Trepidation
Their enemies hadn't been any more powerful than normal—they'd just been sloppy. Fought like amateurs, Leo had said. Raph wasn't sure how far he agreed with that statement. He was no amateur, broken arm and torn up face or not. But, regardless, Raph could admit to at least part of Leo's long lecture. They really had been sloppy.
It had been a normal patrol. Leonardo had mentioned something about keeping up their practice in the streets, so they'd gone roof hopping in the dead of the night to stretch their limbs and get some air. Raph had been grateful for it: his feelings had been off the scale for a while, and enjoying the late night breeze, even if it was tinged with smoke and soot—or maybe because it was—helped to clear his mind and sooth his spirit in a way meditation had never come close to touching.
Leo and Mikey had taken the lead and left Raph to run alongside Don. He thought they did it on purpose—was sure they did, what with the tiny glances Mikey would give them over his shoulder—but he'd been glad for it, even if Don was a little slow, what with that bag of his bumping and thumping against his thigh. They were less uncomfortable together now—let things flow more naturally, so the run was conducted in a comfortable silence. I'd been nice. Calming. Relaxing. Everything Raph liked about patrols. Well…almost everything.
As if they had been summoned, the Foot had arisen from the shadows, weapons drawn and stances anything but friendly. The four brothers had quickly taken their silent advice, brandishing their own weapons with an air of practiced ease. And thus, Raph's night was complete. There was nothing better than kicking shell to get rid of pent up frustrations and leftover insecurities, after all. At least it was so in Raphael's world.
So they'd fought. Bested the first wave without breaking a sweat. Raph's sais had itched for more, and he'd heard Mikey laughing aloud about how slow the Foot was getting. Didn't they know? He was the Battle Nexus Champion! Raph had rolled his eyes and would have given his brother a righteous smack upside the head if the second wave hadn't come.
So they'd fought. But their victory had lead to confidence. Confidence to cockiness.
We were sloppy, Leo later growled, fists clenched and eyes on all of his brothers. Like he was blaming them. But Raph knew the truth. Leo blamed himself. He was, after all, the first one to be bested. If dishonorably.
Raph thought Leo's scream would be with him for a while. It'd been so sudden. He'd been fighting four Foot at once, and his eyes would dart between them to Mikey and Donnie. He wanted to take over for Mike when he was thrown a few feet back. Wanted to jump the guy who caused Don to stumble. When his own goons were taken care of, Raph almost went to them—to Donnie when he saw Mikey bounce back with nunchakus spinning—but his decision was altered with that shout.
"My eyes! I can't see!" Leo had sounded frustrated, with pain laced in his tone, and it had compelled Raphael toward the growing billow of smoke that Leo had been lost in. He had known it probably wasn't a good idea, but Raphael was the hotheaded and brash one for a reason. He couldn't leave his brother defenseless like that.
When he'd entered the area, Raph had expected to be blinded as well. But he hadn't been. All it really did was blur his vision a little annoyingly, but not to the extent it seemed to hurt Leo. He'd thought that perhaps the freak that used it sprayed it right into Leo's eyes. Sure enough, Raph had caught sight of a hunched form on the ground, one green arm in front of useless eyes, the other out and holding a katana threateningly. Raph launched a sai at a goon that had thought it a good idea to approach the downed turtle from behind, and would have moved forward after it, but was stopped by a presence at his own back. He turned in time to spot the katana as it flew down towards his head. In time to raise his remaining sai in some feeble semblance of protection.
Raph felt something hard brush his leg, and then scrape against his shell. Then he was yanked back viciously, away from the katana that had been centimeters from imbedding itself in his skull. He cried out in startled pain when it nicked his face instead. Screwed his eyes shut when he felt the sharp metal trace over his flesh and mask, until the red material broke and fell around him, like blood. The seemingly careless yank knocked him backward, and he had moved his arm to brace himself—only to have his elbow take the brunt of the impact. Cursing like a taxi driver during rush hour, Raph had painfully grasped his arm to his plastron; eyes closed, and had lashed out at whoever had had the nerve to attack him from behind. He'd only met air, however, and Raph had figured his assailant had wised up and left.
The sounds of battle had not diminished, even with Raphael and possibly Leonardo out of the fight. He had tried to open his eyes in vain, and instead fell into the stance he'd last seen Leo wearing, with his weapon held out defensively. He had wondered why he had not been jumped, but Mikey's triumphant whoop somewhere to his right told him all he needed to know.
"These guys're down for the count, Donnie! Trade me!"
Raph had heard the tell-tale sounds of wood clattering to the ground somewhere to his left just moments later, and he could tell who was then beside him, lowering the hand that clenched around his sai and then gently touching at his shoulders. He heard Don's sharp intake of breath. Felt his faint trembling as he traced a finger down Raphael's cheek.
"Oh, shell, Raph…" The voice had been so pained; Raph had dropped his sai and blindly reached out to touch him. To assure him of something. Maybe that he was alive? That he was aware? Whatever the case, Don met him halfway, and held onto his hand tightly for a moment or two. Two tense moments that seemed to last a lifetime. Broken only by Mikey's call of "And once again the day is saved, thanks to the Turtle Titan!" that sounded forced to Raph's ears. Maybe it was.
"Can you stand? We need to get out of this smoke." Raph had nodded to the question, but let Don help him up and loop an arm around him anyway. As they walked, he had attempted blinking his eyes open again, and by the time Don sat him down, he had one opened, flickering this way and that.
"It's still smokin', Donnie," he had informed the turtle beside him, who, he noticed hazily, frowned in reply.
"No, Raph, it isn't." He figured his vision was a little wonky. So he had closed both eyes again and took a few seconds to calm himself before reopening the one he could. Thankfully, his vision had thought it about time to clear. Don's incredibly worried face came into view, and Raph had almost wished his vision hadn't righted itself. He cast a glance over towards Mikey's voice, and found Leo standing beside him, one of Mikey's hands on Leo's shell as their leader blinked his eyes quickly, as if to clear them. Judging by the smile on Mike's face, he was doing a good job of it. They were all okay. But Don hadn't seemed to be acting like it.
"We need to get to the lair." Raph hadn't been sure who said it, but the vote was unanimous. He watched as Don slung his bag over his shoulder and then turned back to him, offering him a hand up.
They were all fairly worse for ware, so their trek back to the sewers had been slow and careful. It took twice as long as it usually might have, but they had eventually arrived at their humble abode in one piece. Amateurs wouldn't have been able to say that.
After they'd gotten home, they'd been herded to the couch by a worried Splinter who spent the most time on Raph, after Leo shook his head and declared himself alright. The martyr. As soon as Splinter was out of his face, Don took up his spot, and had gently placed both hands on Raph's cheeks, turning his face every which way now that he finally had proper light to see the damage. His insides had clenched when he heard another of Don's pitiful murmurs of his name, and he'd forced a painful grin.
"What's tha verdict, doc?" But Don had ignored him, and instead sent Leo and Mikey and Splinter out to fetch various items from his lab, his room, the kitchen. Raph hadn't been quite sure what all the fuss was about. His eye felt swollen shut and his arm hurt like shell, but that really hadn't been much of an issue. Not enough for Don to sound so terrified.
"Donnie."
"Shell, Raph." A hand had touched his arm so gently Raph had hardly even felt it. But he thought that he might have started to lose a bit of feeling in it, anyway.
"Don." But he had been ignored again. Leo had returned, carrying a first aid kit and a few needles. Raph cringed.
His arm had been broken, he'd eventually found out. Well, not his arm. His elbow. Don had called it an "olecranon fracture". He recalled Don telling him about how his elbow pad had taken most of the force, so the fracture wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been, though he wasn't sure he had all his facts right. Raph had, after all, only been half listening. It hadn't mattered much to him what was wrong; just as long as he knew how to fix it and how long it would take to be fixed. But he'd quickly started paying attention when Don started to whisper out his apologies.
"What're ya' sorry fer? S'not yer fault or nothin'."
"But it is!" Don had insisted. "I pulled you back, and that's how you fell on it in the first place." Then, it'd all clicked. The long, hard object at his back had been Don's bo as he slid it into Raph's belt. The tug had been vicious because Don had, no doubt, been terrified Raph was about to lose his head. The fact that he hadn't stuck around to see to Raph might have been the fact that he had to disarm a katana-wielding ninja that had just tried to kill his brother.
"Shell, Don. That's what yer worried about? If ya' hadn't pulled me like that, it woulda' been my head you'd a' been bandaging up, instead." Don's trembling had come back. Raph had been able to feel it as he, again, brushed fingers over his cheek. He'd been grateful their family had left them alone.
"So what's this?" Don had asked, voice above a whisper as he gently fingered the bandage over Raph's eye.
"S'nothin' serious. Ya' said so yerself. Didn't get ta the actual eye, so it's no problem."
"But it could have, Raph! You have no idea how close you came to losing your eye today. If I'd pulled a little less, that blade would have gone a little deeper. Just a little and it would be gone." Shell, had he sounded terrified.
"And I could'a lost my head today, too, Donnie. If ya' hadn't pulled at all. But I didn't lose my head or my eye, so what's the problem?" Don had looked so close to telling him, but then Splinter had entered the room, and whatever words he had begun to say had died on his tongue as soon as his hands were moved away from his injured brother.
Raph had fallen asleep in Don's room that night—his own "bed" proving too dangerous to sleep in, and, upon waking in the middle of the night for reasons unknown, discovered Don himself to be gone. Raph had figured Splinter sent him to bed himself, and he tried to dismiss it and go back to sleep, but something had nagged at him until he forced himself carefully out of bed and out the door.
The Lair was quiet, only the sounds of breathing could be heard from the hall. But when he passed by his own room, he thought he heard a sudden cry and muffled thud from inside. Confused, and slightly wary, he'd quickly entered, and was greeted by Don's thrashing form on the floor. The hammock was swinging precariously, and Don was a mess of limbs and blanket beneath it, as if he'd fallen out of it.
"Hey, Don, you okay?" There was an undertone of amusement in his voice that he tried, and failed, to hide as he stepped closer. The faint smile on his face was quickly killed, however, with Don's reply, which consisted of Donatello arching his back as much as was physically possible around a shell and plastron—which admittedly was hardly impressive—his arms flailing, as if to either grab or hit something just beyond reach.
"No! No, no, Mmmiikey! L-leooo, no! Raph! Raph! No, no! Please, I—! No!"
The reaction surprised Raph, and he was quickly propelled forward again by a sinking fear in his gut. He'd knelt by the flailing turtle and placed his good hand on Don's arm.
"Donnie! C'mon, Don, wake up!" Don's eyes flew open, and he promptly punched Raphael in the face.
"Shell!" Raph bit his lip to keep from spilling any more profanity, and moved his hand from Don to cradle his jaw.
"R-Raph?" Don's voice was tired: weak and confused.
"Jeez, Don! Neva' let me diss yer punches again. That hurt."
"Shell, Raph, I'm sorry." Don placed his shaking hands on Raph's cheeks and sat up as he tilted his brother's face down, until Raphael was brought eye-level with him. Until he could see the tears stinging Donnie's eyes.
"Ya' hardly touched me, Donnie. No need ta cry." But Don shook his head miserably and pressed their foreheads together, his eyes clenched tightly and his shoulders shaking. Raph wrapped his good arm around Don's neck. Pretended not to feel any pain when Don clutched him close to his shuddering plastron. Then he turned his head and kissed him. It was simple. Innocent. Like most of the other kisses he and Don had shared since the Love Confession two weeks before. But instead of calming Don, it made him even more desperate, and he turned the kiss into something far less innocent. All tongue and teeth.
Raph let Don ravage his mouth for a while, and then pulled away, pushing at Don's plastron with his good hand, to get his message across.
"Come ta bed, Donnie. Tha floor ain't comfy." And so they'd lain on Don's bed, with Raph hidden in a pile of pillows and blankets when Don had remembered his hurt elbow. But Raph pushed most aside and pulled Don closer instead; keeping his good arm around him and grunting until Don hesitantly returned the gesture.
"Wanna talk about it?" He'd asked when he could tell Don had no plans of sleep.
"Yes," Don had breathed, "but you should sleep. You need it."
"I'll be able ta sleep all week. S'not like Big Brother Leo'll let me lift a finger fer days." Raph rolled his eyes as he spoke, though Don couldn't see him.
"Neither will Doctor Donnie," Don murmured back. Feeling mischievous, Raph grinned in reply.
"Does Docta' Donnie like ta play Doctor?" Don's snort of amusement was weak, but there, and calmed Raph's nerves.
"Only when he has a certain turtle to play his patient," Don had teased back.
"Who?" Raph asked, "Mikey?"
"He is pretty good with his mouth."
"Least it ain't Leo. Don't think I could'a fergived that one." Don pressed closer, shrugging slightly.
"He's good with his hands."
"What'm I good with?" Raph found himself playing along. Closed his eyes.
"Other than your fists?" Raph snorted. Opened his eyes to give Don a look.
"Yeah, Donnie. Other'n that."
"You'll think it's cheesy." Don sounded almost bashful.
"S'okay if it's you, Donnie. Mike, not so much."
"Your heart, then."
"M'good with my heart?"
"Yeah." Raph went quiet for a moment or so.
"That is cheesy."
"Yeah, I know." And then Don went quiet again. Raph gently ran fingers along whatever skin he could reach.
"I ain't goin' ta bed yet," he informed his brother.
"You should."
"I will. Afta' ya' talk." Donnie sighed and pressed closer to Raphael. Curled his fingers in a blanket he'd wrapped around his larger brother. Wrapped them up in a silence that was neither awkward nor comfortable, merely there.
"Do you remember when the Ultimate Draco came to the Lair?" Don's voice was quiet; whispered and hushed, as if he himself did not want to hear what he had to say.
"Like I could ferget that." Raph rubbed a hand down Don's exposed shell.
"I didn't tell you guys much about where I went."
"Yeah," Raph agreed, "jus' that it was some doomsday future where tha Shredda' took control." He hesitated. "What about it?"
Don went on, "I already told you that I had disappeared in that time. And that we defeated the Shredder. Together. But…I never told you about what I sacrificed to do it." Raph urged him on with a nudge when Donnie slipped back into silence.
"Your lives." Raph froze, and shifted to regard his brother.
"Whadda ya' mean, Donnie?" Don sighed in reply. Pressed close.
"I sacrificed you. Mikey. Leo. You all died because of my idiotic suicide mission!" The brainy turtle's voice raised slightly in anger.
"Donnie—"
"Mikey was first. I guess only having one arm put him at a major disadvantage. The Karai legion bots ganged up on him." Don took a shuddery breath before continuing. "His last words…he was calling out to me. He was yelling out for me, Raph. For me. When I delivered him and—and Leo and you to the Shredder himself. When I didn't go to him; couldn't save him. He called for help—my help, and no one could help him. I couldn't—didn't help him."
Don lapsed back into silence. Raph continued to rub his shell. He wanted to say so many things, but he couldn't. Not until Don was done talking. He didn't want Donnie to push him out again because of a wrong word. Luckily for him, Don went on without further prompting.
"Leo…Leo was next. He had a disadvantage, too. And it wasn't his lack of sight. It was his…his fucking compassion for that witch Karai. He turned his back to her. Hesitated to kill her. And that was the end of him." Don laughed bitterly. "It was painfully ironic."
"Donnie." Raph said nothing more, but his voice alone seemed to snap Don out of whatever spell he'd been trapped in, and he nuzzled closer.
"Leo didn't say anything before he went. But Raph—you…the…the Raph in that time. He saw it. He freaked out. Tried to kill Karai himself. But he was fueled by anger, and was blinded. Karai got in lucky blows." Don's arms around Raph tightened almost painfully.
"He—you…died while trying to get to Leo. You…you got to him. Said his name. And—and died. And where was I when all of this was happening? When all of my brothers were being slain without honor and without compassion? I was getting my shell kicked by the Shredder. But…I should have been there to help you and Leo and Mikey. I should have helped my brothers! I never should have put you guys in danger like that in the first place. But…I felt responsible for that world. For everything that happened. And, to fix that, I instead made myself responsible for the deaths of my brothers."
Raph sat up. Pulled at Don's arm until he followed suit and allowed Raph to wrap him up protectively against his plastron. Until Don allowed Raph to shield him from the nightmares that plagued him. Raph didn't speak. Waited for Don, to make sure he was really done before Raph spoke his own mind. But, instead of talking, Don pulled away enough to cup Raph's cheeks. To stare into his uncovered eye. To gently finger the bandage covering the one he'd hurt.
"In that future…this eye is gone," Don whispered. "I don't want to go anywhere near that fate, Raph. If…if I hadn't pulled as hard. If I hadn't…you might be missing it, too. I can't let that future be realized. You…you can't lose this eye. Mikey can't lose his arm. Leo…not his sight." Raph was reminded of Leo's loud cry of how he couldn't see, and he wondered how Don must have felt when he saw Leo covering his eyes and Raph with blood pouring from his. The thought made him tighten his hold on the other turtle.
"And I," Don went on, "I can't disappear. I've tried to pin my disappearance down to Draco transporting me to the future that time. But…how can I be sure? I've always been such a weak link in our chain. I make such silly mistakes all the time."
"Like what?" Raph suddenly pushed in, unable to hold back any longer. He looked at Don evenly.
"Like…like being captured by Triceratons. Like almost giving away Professor Honeycutt's location to them. Like telling them how to find him. Like losing my concentration during practice and battles. Like when my ideas blow up in our faces. Like…like letting you die—" Raph cut him off with another kiss that left them both breathless. Raph pulled away after a little while, panting.
"Don't even start, Donnie. Yer one'a tha only ones that got good ideas. You'n Leo. Ya' really think yer tha only one that makes mistakes? We all do—especially Mikey. We jus' get up an' get ova' it. Yer too hard on yerself, Donnie. Always. Ya' didn't give away tha Professa', even when those Tricerafreaks had yer mind hooked up ta that probe-lookin' helmet. Ya' figured out how to save 'im after ya' 'gave away how ta' find 'im'. Which, I gotta say, ya' needed ta do ta get 'em offa Earth." Raph paused to stroke his chin. "What came afta' that? Oh, right. Ya' lose concentration sometimes, yeah, but that's why I got yer back. Ya' can't know everythin', Donnie, and you ain't gotta. S'why you got me an' Mikey an' Leo an' Masta' Splinta' an' Case' an' April. An' besides, yer always comin' up with stuff ta help us all out. Even if it don't always work, it's better'n anything anyone else could'a done. Yer only one turtle, Donnie-boy." Raph paused again. Sighed.
"And…you didn'tlet us die. Ya' won't disappear. We won't hafta live in that future, Don. We won't. An' we didn't follow ya' blindly. If that guy in tha future with my name's anythin' like me, then I know he went along knowin' things might not'a worked. He knew there would'a been even less of a chance if it wasn't you that came up with the plan. Ya' don't give yourself enough credit, Don. If it weren't fer you, the Shredder would'a lived, and that world would'a never got rid of 'im." Raph's tone suddenly went angry.
"An' I ain't gonna let you keep dissin' tha turtle that's always got my back. 'Cause he deserves better'n that."
Don sucked in a shuddery breath. Let it out as a choked sob.
"Raph…" Raphael grunted in reply. Pulled Don close to hide the embarrassment filling his eyes at spilling so much emotional mush. But Don nudged closer on his own and kissed Raph's neck.
"You're too good to me."
"Ah-ah," Raph chastised, "'member what I said 'bout talkin' nice 'bout my turtle?"
Don choked on a laugh.
"I love you, Raph."
"Yeah, I love ya', too, Brainiac. Now, c'mon, if we ain't asleep 'fore Leo comes ta check on us, our ears'll be lectured off.
Later, when Leo came in, he couldn't tell who was curled around whom. Or who looked more content. At least, that's what Raph heard Leo mentioned offhandedly to April one day. Before stalking off, muttering about gossiping girls and silently thanking his inability to turn red in embarrassment.