Chapter 3

Psst....it's me again!
I just woke up but you two are still sleeping. Today you're really good girls!
You know, sometimes in your life there happen such good things that are wonderful. But sometimes there are also bad things happening, that are not so wonderful.
I had many of wonderful times with your daddy. For example, when we were kissing it was always wonderful and romantic. Your daddy is the best kisser in the world. I loved it, when we were kissing and cuddling. I loved it to wake up beside him in the morning. I loved to be together with him. I loved listening to him when he whistled these silly songs while he was working in the kitchen. I loved it to fall asleep in his arms. I loved it when we danced to slow music. I loved everything on him. I loved to laugh with him. He was always so silly at work. We all had so much fun with him. He understood me and I understood him. I think we were like soul mates.
But as I said, there also happen bad things in life. Like it was for your daddy and me.

Carol

Carol stopped writing as Kate suddenly cried loud. Carol was shocked, because she was again so deep in her thoughts. She went to Kate and took her out of her seat. The little baby felt hot and she was restless. Carol was worried. Her first thought was that she had to go to the hospital with Kate.

Diary

My little sorrows!
We just came home from the hospital. My little Katie has got a fever! I really worried about you. But it's just a fever. Nothing more. We can make this. We are fighters, aren't we?
When we came to the ER, everyone was oohing and aahing. Maybe that's because you are so sweet babies! Haleh sang a song for you two. She's very good in singing, you know?
Luka examined you, Kate, but we don't have to worry. You know, as a mother I am worried. I just want you to be healthy and happy.
I was really tired when we were at the hospital, so I slept there for some hours. When I woke up, you two were gone and for the first moment I panicked. Where were my girls? Just then I saw that my friends took care of you.
Luka drove us home and he was staying here for some drinks. We talked a little bit and he likes you very much.

Today you two are celebrating your first Christmas. I wish you a very merry Christmas. We have a little tree in our living room and I think you like it because you are always looking at its lights and sparkling.
I also have to tell you that your daddy called today. He wishes us a merry Christmas too. He also told that he sent a present for you two but he didn't want to tell me what was in it. As soon as it's here we will open it, okay? He also said that he loves me. That he loves us. Isn't that nice? We love daddy too, do we? I think so. We wish daddy a merry Christmas too. And all of our friends too. Happy holidays!

Good night, sleepyheads!
You just had your dinner and a nice bath in our big bathtub. I think you like bathing.
Now you two are sleeping like angels in your cribs. I love to watch you. How your little stomachs rise and fall when you're breathing. How you wrap your soft toys with your tiny fingers. I'm so happy that you're healthy and I'm happy that I have you two. I wish you all the best for your life!
Do you want to know more from your daddy? I'm telling you a secret now, and you are not allowed to tell anyone about it, okay? That's just for you two!
When I was together with your daddy again, we didn't tell anyone about it. We had a secret relationship. Everything was so romantic. At the hospital we shared flirty looks and when there wasn't anyone to see, we kissed. I felt like a teenager who fell in love.
Out friends soon found out that we were together. When I wanted to tell them at Christmas Eve, everybody knew it already.
But your daddy had a surprise for me. He asked me, if I wanted to marry him. He was so sweet at this moment and I just had to kiss him. I remember that as if it was just yesterday. I said yes, I wanted to marry him.
But we didn't marry, what was my fault (I know, I'm crazy!).
I was scared. I wasn't ready for that: I just wanted to be happy with Doug. I still wanted to be that teenager.
When your daddy wanted to surprise me with that wedding, I kissed another man. It was just a little kiss, but I felt awful. It was really awful. How could I do that? I hurt your daddy very much. I didn't understand myself and he didn't understand me. When I told him about that, he left our house. Can you imagine how scared I was then? I was scared to lose him again.
But your daddy waited for me. He was so understandable and sympathetic. He said that he didn't want to push me. At the same time I didn't want anything more than to marry him. There was just something in me that said no. Now I think how silly I was. Really silly.
But we were happy again. I was happy to be with him.
One day when we had our day off, we were driving around with our car. Without any plan we were driving around. We were singing to the songs that were playing in the radio. Your daddy is a bad singer, almost as bad as I am, but we had so much fun.
We came to this little city called Nashville. It was beautiful there, everything was idyllic. We could smell the fresh flowers. The people were friendly...not stressed like they are in Chicago. It was like a fairytale there. Kids were playing in the park, baseball and football. Everything was peaceful there.
Then we found paradise. There was this little lake and around it there were these big trees. Nobody was there...you could just here the birds whistling. Doug and I were laying in the meadow beside the lake and we watched the clouds go by. Then we made love. I think this was one of the most wonderful moments I experienced with your daddy.
I could cry when I think about this day. You know, I'm crying really often the last time. I'm very sad, because your daddy isn't here with us. He's in Seattle and this is miles away from here. Do you think that he's thinking about us that much as we are thinking about him?
You sure want to know, why daddy is in Seattle.

One day a very, very sick boy came to the hospital. He was so sick that your daddy couldn't help him anymore. Your daddy gave him medicine although he wasn't allowed to do that. When the little boy was dying, all of this came out. Everybody was mad at your daddy, including me. I was disappointed because he didn't tell me the truth. We had a fight. Then your daddy told me that he wanted to quit. And he asked me, if I'll come to Seattle with him. I couldn't and didn't want to go o Seattle. Of course I asked your dad to stay here. He didn't want to. He said "I love you" for the last time and left. And my heart was broken. I was dying inside.

Again I lost him.

When your daddy was gone my life didn't make sense anymore. I was mad; I was disappointed, sad and alone. I felt so incredibly alone. I couldn't believe how we could leave all this behind him. He left US behind him.

I couldn't sleep for some nights, my eyes hurt from the crying. At work everything reminded me of Doug.

Was it a mistake to not go with him? I thought that I would be worth it to stay. Your daddy once said to me that he'd do anything for me. He didn't keep this promise. I was so mad at him. Yet still I missed him from the very first second.

And then I recognized that a baby was growing in my stomach. A baby that Doug and I so long waited for.

On the one side I was so happy to be a mother. On the other side I was sad because your daddy wasn't here. He couldn't be happy with me, I couldn't hug him and we couldn't dance because of our joy.

When I was ready to tell your daddy about the baby, I wrote him a very long letter. I wrote everything I was thinking about on it. My feelings, my sorrows, my wishes.

Sending the fax was a disaster. There was no power in the ER to send it. But when I managed to send it, your daddy called me.

What I told him was insane. I'm insane. He wanted to come; he wanted to be with us. And I said no. I didn't want him to come back just because of the baby. I'm really crazy. My biggest wish was that he would come back, but I said no. That's crazy right? Your daddy was sad. He wanted to come so badly and when I said no to him I regretted it as soon as we hung up. That was so stupid from me. I hurt your daddy's feelings.

Any time at the ER aunt Lizzy and uncle Mark were doing an ultrasound, a video of the baby in my stomach. Just imagine, there were beating two little hearts. That was you, little ones! I expected twins!

Carol

Carol stopped writing as she recognized that her hand was shaking. Slowly her eyes filled with tears again. She wondered how she still could cry. She didn't believe that writing this diary was so hard.

So she was lying in her bed now and crying. She was crying herself to sleep.