Chapter 6

(Credit for the letter in this chapter goes to Jordan)

Hey scream heads!
Today wasn't your day, huh? Your nanny called me so often because you were all cranky. I don't know what was going on with you because now you're all silent and polite. You two look at me with your big eyes. It seems you two want to say sorry. Am I right? I wouldn't mind it. In the hospital I had to sing a song to cranky Kate over the telephone, while a patient was on the table. I sang our song through the telephone! That was awkward, little ones! But you liked it, Kate, you were silent and listening to me! Then I told Claire that she should bring you.
You two liked it in the hospital, especially you, Kate. I think that's because there was a lot going on there and you could see a lot. But also you were looking with big eyes, Tess. Maybe you wanted to see the same as Kate did.
Now I decided that I will bring you to the hospital crib, when I'm working. Then I can visit you more often and I think you two will be happy to have me there, too. I hope you like it!

YAY!
You survived your first day at the crib! The nanny said you were good babies. That means, I can bring you there again. Awesome!
Today Luka was visiting us and he was barbecuing steaks while I was bringing you to your beds. Can you believe it, that it was snowing tonight? I tell you, Chicago is a crazy city, it's snowing here in April!
Tomorrow I have a day off and I have an idea. I really want to go to baby swimming with you two. You two always liked it. Unfortunately I didn't have a lot of time lately to go there but we can do it tomorrow. Is that a good idea? I want to spent a great day with you tomorrow. I'm excited!

Hey, little mermaids!

Yesterday was so funny! You two were so happy in the water and I was happy too. You really like swimming and having fun in the water. I really think we have to do that more often.
At home we three were really tired. I took you two to my bed and then we three fell into a long sleep. We were sleeping like bears who had hibernation. I'm really thankful to you two because you slept all night through. It was great to wake up with you on my side. I can't say it too often, how much I love you two!
Today grandma Helen is visiting you because I want to look for a new car. We always have to use grandma's car but it's time to get one for us. We will get a new, used, car!

What am I doing?
Babies, I'm becoming crazy!
Like I told you I was looking around for a car. Luka was so nice to come with me because he thought that men do know more about such things – and he was totally right!). So we went out to go to this car seller, Herbert. Luka bought a car from Herbert and he could make a good price for me.
Before we reached Herbert, we lost our way to the stadium. We ate hot dogs and I think I impressed Luka with my baseball knowledge.
He told me a lot about his life, about his dad. And he asked me, if I was doing a lot with my dad. I told him that my dad died when I was a little girl. Luka said then that I must think a lot about the situation that you don't see your daddy. If he'd know – I think every day how beautiful it could be if he would be here with us. If he was there at you birth, being there when you took your first breath. It would've been so beautiful. I really wished that Doug could've been there instead of Luka. That Doug was examining Kate when we were in the hospital. That he would've gotten up at night when you two were crying. But he wasn't here and he won't be here. He doesn't know all this things. I really want you to get to know him…I just don't know how.
But now back to the story. We were on our way to Herbert.
I tell you, there are so many ugly cars. There really were vehicles that wouldn't have been right for us.
But then we found a car for us, with a lot of room for your car seats. Well, it isn't a Porsche, but it's okay for us.
Luka and I wanted to drive our first ride with that car to celebrate. We drove to a drive in and then to the lake promenade. I parked the car and we sat on the hood to eat our hamburgers. I love that place on the promenade, you can see all the skyline of Chicago there. I was there with you too but you were sleeping and so you didn't see anything.
And Luka and I were talking about his early life again. I was really curious, I wanted to know a lot. He talked about his kids and his wife, who were dying when the war was in Croatia. I felt so sorry for him. That must've been so awful, unbelievable.

He then thought that we should drive at home and I was okay with that. On the way home, how should it be different, the car broke down. Awesome, I thought. Really great.

We had to push the car until we found a place to park it. Then we sat on the hood again and we talked while we were waiting for the tow truck. This time I told him about my childhood, the little things I could remember. I told him about the lemonade stand that my friend and I had to sell lemonade. And that I am really happy for you two, when you sell your first lemonade.
And then it happened. I kissed Luka. I really kissed him. My God…it was so different. But how is that possible? How is it possible that I kiss him but in my head is still your daddy…my little ones, what am I doing?

The tow truck finally arrived and somehow I was relieved. Luka went home with me and he kissed me on the lips as a good bye.

I was just happy to be with you two again. You two are the most important for me.

Just now I got my secret box from the cupboard. In this box are many of my memories. The most are from daddy. I have to think more about him, now that this happened.

Here is a box of Animal Crackers. That was the first one your daddy bought me down at the pier. I didn't open it because I wanted to save it as a memory. There is this photo stripe which we made in that photo box. Looks really funny. The tickets for our first movie we saw in the theater. The ring, your daddy gave me when he wanted to marry me. And there's the letter which he sent from California and also the cassette from the answering machine. Some time after we were together again, your daddy had to go to Barstow because his dad died. He spoke this message on my answering machine and I listened to it for about a hundred times. I want to write his words in here.

"Hey, Carol, it's Doug. I was hoping to catch you before you went to work. We're here in Barstow, still, we're cleaning up and...I was just thinking about you...wishing you were here. I just miss you and...I just wish you were here. So I'll, uh, I'll...I'll call you tomorrow. Okay, bye."

I missed him a lot back then, so I booked a ticket for a flight and I flew to California, to be with him. I think he was really happy to see me there, to have me there.
When I was back in Chicago, your uncle Mark gave me a letter from Doug. On the envelope the letters C.H. were written.
I lost the letter at work and I was really mad at myself. But some days later Mark found the letter and gave it back to me. I was happy! Dou you want to know what was standing in it? I want to tell you, but you only are allowed to read that, when you're 18 years old!

To C.H.

When we were driving around today, I found this card at the gas station and it reminded me of you. It's always really busy here with taking care of everything. I miss you. It's really hot here and dry but today I was just thinking about things. Mostly, I was thinking about you. How happy you made me, how happy I'm with you. I realized that you are the only person in life that I need and that I can't go on without you anymore.

I miss you. At night, when I'm lying in my bed I think of making love to you. I think about your soft lips that are kissing me. I close my eyes and I see your beautiful face and your smile. I remember how you feel in my arm, your soft skin. How beautiful you are. How I love to look in your eyes. I dream of the taste of your neck and the smell of your hair on my pillow.

I love you. I wish you were here.

When I come back home, I want to spend the night making love to you, holding you in my arms. I may never let go. I want to dress you up in something beautiful just so I can take it off, like unwrapping a present for myself. I want to run my fingers over every part of you and leave a trail of goose bumps in my wake.

I will gently lay you back on the bed and enjoy every inch of youI'll spend all night satisfying you. I'll do whatever you ask.

Will you let me love you? Will you let me give you pleasure all night long?

I had, when daddy was back in Chicago, the most wonderful night of my life.
That are such beautiful memories and I can't let go from them. I can't be with Luka. I just can't. What shall I do, babies?

My sweet little babies!
You get so big. You're already five and a half months old. Time goes by so fast. Dou you know that I haven't seen your daddy for 14 months now? That's a long time but for me it is like it was yesterday.

You start to crawl already. I think when you're really good at it, nothing is safe from you anymore. You start to talk and your first teeth are coming. I'll be happy when you say mommy for the first time to me. That will be nice.

We're at grandma's at the time because we our kitchen will be renovated. You really like it here, because grandma allows you everything. Hopefully your cold will be gone soon, Tess. You don't like it when I clean your nose.

Luka called very often and I was such a coward and didn't pick up the phone. I don't know what to say to him. I mean, I like Luka. I really do. He's so helpful and nice and beautiful and he's lovely to you too. I'm really thankful for his help. But…being together with him…I can't do that. I don't know how I was able to kiss him. I just want that thought to go out of my head.

Sometimes I think that it's time to move on. To forget daddy. But that's so hard. I can't imagine that you say daddy to another man. I can't imagine waking up to another man than daddy. I can't imagine living with another man.

Why can't I?

Do you wish that daddy is here? I think you miss him. I always wanted to have daddy here. To be a family. It's unfair that you have only me, isn't it? Would Luka be a daddy for you?

I never wanted to be a single mum. It was always obvious for me that I would do that with daddy together. But now I'm here, alone.

And when I think about it, I don't want Luka to be your daddy. He isn't your daddy. No other man than daddy will be your daddy and he will always be.

Maybe I'll be ready for a new relationship sometime soon but no matter what, he will always be your daddy.

In four days is my birthday. I always have to think about the surprise birthday party your daddy threw. On my birthday I only want to be with you. No party. Just the three of us. And I want to dance with you to our song. Do you want to dance with me? I'd be happy. Your mommy gets old.