Chapter 7

Hi sunshines!

You can't believe who was visiting yesterday.

It was your daddy!

I opened the door and there he was standing. We looked at each other and then I started to cry, because I was so happy to see him. He hugged me and I thought I'm dying.

It was so good to see him again. And yay, your daddy was happy to see YOU! Man, he was so happy, I can't even describe it!

He cried so much when he held you and kissed you. And I cried with him. It felt so real and I almost forgot that he was away all the time. And I wished that it could always be like this.

It seemed like he wouldn't let you go anymore. All the time he was here he was holding you, kissing you, cuddling you. He sang songs to you, he smiled with you. It was beautiful.

And I think you already knew that this was your daddy. You were so natural with him. Like you had always known him.

He put you two in your cribs when it was time to go to sleep. And while I was downstairs washing the dishes I heard daddy's words in the baby monitor. He told you that he loves us. All three of us and that he's not happy being in Seattle all alone. He wished that we would come with him, to be a family so that every day could be like this. He hated to leave you again and he hated to leave me again.

It almost broke my heart hearing that words. He seemed so sad…I heard it in his words.

When he came downstairs again I turned around to him. God, I'm so in love with him. Even after all this months I'm in love with him.

I told him that I heard him and he smiled. That smile always makes me weak. I love his smile. "What do you think?" he asked. What was I thinking? I wanted to be a family with him again. I wanted to be with him. But I wasn't ready. I had to think about it. And that's what I told him. "I have to think about it!"

He nodded and hugged me. I wished he wouldn't let me go. One last time he told me that he loved me. And he thanked me for letting him see you two. Then he went outside and closed the door again.

I sank down on the kitchen counter and cried like hell.

Happy Birthday, Carol!

My little ones, today is my birthday. It was an awful day until now. I just had no motivation to work today. It wasn't fun at all.

At morning Luka gave me flowers for my birthday. They were really nice. And he asked me, if I was okay.

Nothing is okay. Really nothing. I'm down again. I don't understand the world. Everything is so unfair.

Birthdays always make me sentimental. I don't like my birthday. At work I did everything wrong today. I forgot to look after a patient, I forgot the documents for Kerry. I was just lame. Kerry was really mad at me. I'm not mad at her for thinking this, it's her good right. She asked if everything was okay. I said yes, but she knew I was lying. She really knows me and she saw that something was going on with me. The thing with Luka is really bugging me. And I said something to her that I didn't say for a long time. I told her that I hate my life. That I love you, but that I don't want to be alone with you.

My life is like a rollercoaster. I can't remember my childhood very much. Then the school. I always wanted to be a nurse. My mum didn't understand that. She always wanted that I should do more with my life.

I wanted to kill myself! I was in love and I was hurt. I was happy and I was unhappy. And that was so often. Now I have you. I love you, but something is missing.

Just imagine, today came a present for me. A big box. When I was looking inside it I knew that it was from daddy. Believe me; the box was full with Animal Crackers.

Do you know the story of the Animal Crackers already? I'll tell you.

When your daddy and I were together we went down to the pier, to the fun fair. We ate candy floss, tried the rollercoaster and the creepy tunnel of horror.
Then we went to that little shop and your daddy wanted to buy something to eat. He bought two boxes of Animal Crackers. He ate his immediately but I saved mine, like I told you. This evening was wonderful.

Since that day the Animal Crackers were a ritual for us. Daddy always brought a box when he went shopping and I always put a box in his Christmas sock. See, even crackers remind me of your daddy. And today this big box full of Animal Crackers arrives here.

I didn't call daddy today. I can't do that today. I only want to be together with you two. Now I want to dance with you. Our song is playing in the radio and now I'll dance with you. Let us forget everything around us. Let us just dance.