A/N Okay, this time I didn't come up with any good excuse, so this chapter's late just because I'm lazy. But I'll have access to internet for at least 2 weeks or so (if I'm lucky) so the next update shouldn't take so long. Oh, and I just realised how short the chapters are and I'll do my best to make them longer *Waves fist in the air* But seriously - you shouldn't expect so much... I'm a sick individual! Did you know each time you sneeze some of your brincells die? And I swear this heat makes me have the weirdest dreams... And when I say it's weird - then it's WEIRD. I mean, what's up with Lord Nelson, people? And no, I can't write this early in the morning.
Oh, come ON! If I owned bleach I wouldn't write fanfic now, would I?
"Aha! There you are! Where have you been? I don't care, let's get to work already"
And with those words, some random people kidnapped Renji and pinned him down in a chair where they immediately wiped the white goo off his face (trying very hard not to ask what it was or where -or whom- it came from). The makeup artists applied some unknown liquids in Renji's face, shaking their heads at the poor condition the hung-over actor was in. To his right, similar scenes took place when the stressed workers did their best to make Ulquiorra, Yumichika and Mayuri Kurotsuchi look their worst... yeah, they'd shoot their omg-they-are-dying-but-no-bleach-character-ever-die-so-they'll-make-a-huge-comeback-as-soon-as-they-get-their-asses-kicked in a few hours (except for Ulquiorra... he died for real. Oops, spoiler warning. Not sure though, I haven't read the manga. Does he make a comeback? Why do I feel like I'm ruining the entire chapter with this parenthesis?). The dead-tired actors didn't exactly make the job much easier for the poor makeup artists, and a few of them looked like they were about to shove the foundation brushes down the ever-nagging Yumichika's complaining throat when he constantly scolded them for doing their job wrong and not making his I'mabouttodie- face beautiful enough.
Ulquiorra, on the other hand, didn't do anything. He just sat there and looked as bored and empty as ever. But Renji could swear there was a close-to-non existent smile in the right corner of his painted lips as they applied an enormous amount of mascara on his heavy eyelashes.
To his right, a team consisting of 16 makeup artists were working their butts off to paint Mayuri's bored face black and white, while 5 sweating hairstylists coloured the actor's hair indigo blue while cursing Tite Kubo's decision to make the 12th division's captain so weird-looking.
Renji's scream of pain echoed down the corridors as the annoyed-as-hell hairstylists harshly dyed his naturally black hair bright red.
In the meantime, Ichigo (who'd used Renji as a decoy to make his escape from the pissed-off makeup artists) said a few tired g'mornin's to his equally tired co-workers while making his way towards the enormous movie-set depicting the 9th espada's palace.
The light faded from Rukia's eyes as espada number 9, Aaroniero Arruruiere, ran her through with Nejibana's blade. Kaien Shiba's eyes glowed with madness and his mouth displayed a wicked grin. Kaien Shiba, former lieutenant of squad 13. Loved by his officers, loved by his subordinates and loved by Rukia, whose limp body now hung high up above the world, raised like a flag with the oh-so-familiar trident as a flagpole. Her grip on Shirayuki, the white blade, slackened as her life flashed before her eyes. "Never die alone". Of course not, but now it just... 'sorry, everyone' she thought as her hand grabbed Nejibana's shaft.
"I finally... remembered"
"Remembered what?" Kaien's voice was dark. Rukia slowly lifted the broken Shirayuki to point it at the disguised espada.
He was annoyed when he spoke. "Whatever you're doing it's a useless gesture. Are you going to take me on with that stump of a sword? You're pathetic! Accept defeat!"
"S-san no mai-"
Kaien's face looked up in light surprise "hmm?"
"Shira..."
Time stood still. The blade of ice pierced though the skin, the muscles and beneath it, the glass sphere and the skull.
"...Shirafune"
His eyes widened in shock
"Impossible" he whispered
"I finally remembered... where his heart resides" it was only a hoarse whisper now, but Rukia's voice was strong "You may have Kaien Shiba's bod-" "CUT!"
Everyone got startled when the guy in the chair yelled out through the paper cone.
"Cut cut cut!"
Both Rukia and Kaien sighed and rolled their eyes when the man threw the paper cone on the floor and jumped up and down untill it was flat and the director suddenly remembered he wasn't 6 years old. Then he continued to stomp on the white, once cone-formed paper.
"Argh! You're both doing it wrong!"
The short japanese guy furiously pointed at his film crew, who all sighed and groaned. 'Here we go again...'
"Rukia! It's your long lost first love here! Come on, his body's been devoured by this guy" *pointing at Aaroniero* "and now he's using it to do his... evilish deeds! A bit of anger if you please!"
"And you!" he continued, now glaring at Kaien Shiba, "You're not Kaien anymore! Forget Kaien! Right now, you're Espada number nine! You are way too... I don't know, but you're something and this something's not right! Get it right!" Not making any sense, but still going on ranting the director turned to the cameraman and a terrified Aaroniero and screamed something incomprehensible while the safety team tied down the actors from their safety lines.
"So you're done filming, eh?"
"I hope so, I don't know how much more of this I can take" Rukia said, nodding towards the red-faced, screaming director, and snatched Ichigo's coffee right out of his hands (I guess he'd gotten himself a new cup of coffee, since the last one melted)
"Hey! That was mine! Give it back"
"Too bad, go get your own"
"Why you little... I need that! Do you have any idea what I've been through this morning? My head's killing me"
"It's not my fault you got so carried away last night. I told you, 'if you drink too much, you're gonna regret it tomorrow'" Rukia drank the coffee. All of it. All of the essen-commercial magic liquid that fuels the human body. It all went down the midget's throat. Ichigo crossed his arms in an attempt not to strangle the woman.
"Oh yeah? Well you said it while distracting me, and it didn't look like you minded me getting carried away..."
"Hey hey, what are we arguing about here?" Kaien just had to plop his head into the conversation. "Wait, don't tell me you guys threw a party? How come no-one thought of inviting me?"
"Probably because you're pretty much identical to Ichigo, and one strawberry at a party is already one too much"
Said Ichigo nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, that's... wait. Hey! Yoruichi!"
She was right. Ichigo and Kaien were just too alike. Rukia tilted her head to one side. Why would the director even bother to hire both of them? A hair dye and tada! A black-haired Ichigo named Kaien! Now that she thought about it, why bother with Renji and Ikkaku when you had Ichigo? A bald Ichigo with red makeup would easily turn into Ikkaku, and as long as he wore a wig and some tattooish marks he could call himself Renji too. Hmm, maybe the director just hadn't thought about it?
"Yoruichi! Kisuke! Thank god, how's the movie set for the Karakura battle-shot looking? Is it ready yet? Can I see it?" The small japanese director jumped (once again) up and down in excitement like an annoying brat on christmas day.
Urahara sweatdropped
"Well, we're still working on it. Some of the building's aren't done yet, and the camera-team's installing the overview cameras. It took a bit longer than expected, but it should be done in a few hours. No need to worry"
The little man's eyes narrowed
"What are you standing around here for then? Go get it fixed already! Remember it's me who writes your paycheck"
Ugh. I swear. One day that guy's gonna have a hell of a heartattack.
"But enough about that. Where is everyone?"
Very true - the only one's there was Ichigo (still mad about the demise of his coffee), Rukia, a very depressed and sulking Kaien, the camera- and safety teams and Yoruichi and Urahara. Oh, and Aaroniero too, but he had hidden in a corner complaining about the light so nobody cared about him.
They all shot nervous glances at each other under the furious stare of the angry director.
"Umm, well... you see... it's kinda funny... heheheh"
The short man's eyes told them it wasn't funny at all.
"Tell me. What. Happened. To. My. Staff?"
A/N My deepest apologies to Bleach's director for making him such a bitch. But we're finally getting somewhere! Future chapters won't be as boring (or at least I hope so). Oooo, I wonder what Ichigo and Rukia was up to last night *wink wink* or no I don't, but you might. And it's true - I don't read the manga. Or yes, I do, but I never read ahead of the anime - it'd ruin the OMGITSNOTPOSSIBLE-moments. I wonder who'd play Ichigo if Bleach ever became a real movie (you know... with real actors 'n stuff... coolish).