Hey noble readers, I really need to say sorry for the lack of update, I was getting nowhere with ideas, and have decided to do a very dangerous thing: open up my mind's RANDOMNESS GENERATOR!!!! lightning flashes in the background as Shadow General laughs evilly MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! HAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! breathes in for about a full minute, then continues evil laugh
Ewan: Erm, since the great Shadow General seems unable to continue with the disclaimer, I'll do it for him. Remember, anything from anywhere can show up in the story now, since Shadow General has turned on the fearsome Randomness Generator. Therefore, items such as those that come from different things like books or video games are not owned by Shadow General, they are just being borrowed with full intention of good humor. ON WITH THE STORY!
Chapter 3: Ewan's Great Staff of Wabbajack (and other Daedric Madness)
Ewan and his soldiers were trudging through some forests in what Ewan's map depicted as deep Etruria. Suddenly, about 7 feet in front of the army, a huge orange, fiery portal flared open, with spikes protruding from the frame around it. And out of it came flying a plain wooden treasure chest. A guttural voice then shouted after the stuff: "Good riddance!"
The portal then collapsed, disintegrated, and ceased to exist on the plane of Elibe. Ewan's party stood stock still for a moment, the members staring, the horses gaping, and the bull that was pulling the supply wagon just continued staring off into space, frankly not giving a beep about what just happened. There was silence, and not even the stupid seagull that had been stalking the party since the port of Badon was silent. Ewan took this moment to blast it.
"Stupid bird," he said, as it dropped to the ground unconscious. The silence continued on, as the whole party, except for the stupid bull, stared at the trunk. The silence was thankfully broken, and the suspenseful horror movie music finally came to an end when Colm yelled out.
"W00t! TREASURE!!!! DIBS! W00t! Owned, n00bs!" he said as he practically attacked the trunk in a fury to get it open.
"Must… pick…lock….get….treasure!" Colm panted, barely comprehensible. He finally got it open, after shattering about 100,000 gold pieces' worth of lockpicks in the process, and everyone crowded around, ooh-ing and aah-ing at the contents. Ewan took out a staff that was bizarrely shaped, and read some runes carved on the side.
"Wabbajack… What in Sam Heck does that mean?"
He swirled it around in the air a few times, watching the magic swirl around it, and then pointed it at the seagull. That's when it happened:
The seagull suddenly started flashing, changing shape and size a billion times, but only appearing as a silhouette. Then, in a flash of sparks, a huge Cyclops materialized and started chasing Ewan around.
"AAAHHH!!! Getitoff! Getitoff!!! How did it turn into a Cyclops?!?" Ewan shrieked as he ran away from it like a three year old child running away from a spider.
Suddenly, an elflike creature wearing a robe and carrying a cane materialized through another glowing portal that was suspended a foot above the ground. He fell to the ground and rolled around, pointing and laughing at the Cyclops-stricken mage boy.
"HeeHeeHee! HAHAHA!!! OHOHOHOHOHOH!!! THAT'S…THAT'S rich, right there!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!" the strange man/demon/elf struggled to say as his demonic lungs threatened to explode. When he had calmed down enough to speak coherently, he said:
"That's what the Wabbajack staff does! Isn't it ingenious? It's such a great party trick! giggle If you use the staff on a really powerful creature, it generally transforms into a weaker creature. But when used on such a feeble creature as a seagull, it can become anything! HAHAHAHA!"
Then the weird guy disappeared in a blaze of orange light. Ewan finally used Excalibur on the Cyclops, and it ceased to exist. Ewan set the staff back into the trunk.
Ross then reached into the trunk and pulled out another staff. "I don't know why I'm picking it up, I just feel this strange pull."
Suddenly, four little imp-like creatures appeared. As Ewan looked at them, he saw a name appear in the lower right corner of his vision: Everscamp. Then the whole party was suddenly assaulted by a horrible smell, like that of rotting meat.
"Eugh, Ross, tell your little friends to brush their teeth after eating expired food," Amelia choked out."
Lute finally cried out, "I cannot stand their ability to be better than me at anything, even smelling bad!"
She then spazzed on the nearest one with a thunder tome, and then smashed another into a pulpy mess, using her berserk staff. She then incinerated the other two with quick and deadly elfire spells.
Eirika grimaced at the carnage, then laughed when the scamps reappeared again, all four of them. Then she realized the implications of this, and ordered her horse to help her attack. Using Siegelinde, she skewered the little scamps multiple times, then let her horse trample the bodies multiple times. Both woman and horse panted at the exertion of this effort. Then the scamps reappeared. Again.
The whole party spazzed, and in that little clearing in the woods, the party savagely attacked anything in the scamp's area that moved, which unfortunately included Ross, who was still holding the Staff of the Everscamp. But no matter what they did, including incinerating Ross multiple times, the scamps always came back!!!
Finally, the Shadow General, who had sat on a stump and watched the foolish people try to defeat the everscamps, said, "It won't do you any good. That's the Staff of the Everscamp, another toy of Sheogorath. I know his tricks well, and you wouldn't believe the trouble this sucker has caused before. I'll take it, I know how to get rid of it."
Ross, after being mended 30+ times, gladly handed over the horrid staff. The Shadow General took it with a grin, and when he had thanked them, he turned around, and raised his right hand above his head, slowly bringing it down, summoning some magic. A shining blue portal appeared, much like the fiery orange ones from earlier. He pulled out his rapier and wielded it in his right hand, holding the staff in his left. He turned around, and said, "Don't worry; I'll join you again shortly. Just keep going north, there's an important task that awaits you there, on the plains of Sacae. Safe travels, my friends!"
And with that, he stepped through the portal, and grinned back through at them. Suddenly, his grin turned to a grimace as the party heard a loud chomp sound.
"AAARGH!!! FOUL DAEDRIC VERMIN!!! Getoff of my leg!!!" he cried, slashing again and again with his sword. He grinned apologetically at them, and waved goodbye as the portal shut.
The group stared after them, then got the convoy moving again. As they started off again, Ewan walked beside Franz and Amelia, the front guards of the band, and said,
"That man, is definitely, without a doubt, possibly my equal in the magical arts, and most assuredly a very capable warrior."
And with that, the army continued its march north. Towards the plains of Sacae, and an unknown destiny and important mission.
Well, sorry readers, I grew heavily busy after my last post, and I hope this will make up for it. By the way, the reader who leaves a view telling me what game I borrowed all of the funky-fun items from will get my official congratulations and the Honorary Reviewer Cookie of the Chapter Award. Remember, I don't need reviews to survive (said while eating a very tasty positive review), but they sure are good-feeling and delicious. Anything else, Ewan?
Ewan: Sure thing, SG! Here's my Coming up Next look at the next chapter update, coming soon: ahem As Ewan and his friends reach the plains, they see the ruins of a former village of plainsmen, they see a lone tent off in the distance, and when they look behind it, they see a HUGE ARMY OF BANDITS!!! ADVANCING ON THE TENT!!! WHAT WILL THEY DO? WILL THEY SAVE THE INHABITANT(S) of the CAVE? Tune in next time for the Escapades of Ewan!