Wow… I am very upset with myself. If you, noble readers, are not upset with me, then I am forever astonished by your patience. I had to student direct a musical between the months of January and March, and have barely had time to catch my breath. So I'm updating, sorry. Anyway, I made a change, and the group will not reach the plains yet. Ewan made an oopsie! So, I need to cover his mistake.

Ewan: Oh come on! That's what you told me you'd do next, and that's what I input into the Coming up Next Section!

SG: throws Ewan a giant Frisbee-sized chocolate chip cookie

Ewan: Oh, I mean, I have been a very bad and careless boy. I am very ashamed of myself. bambi eyes

SG: after giving thumbs-up to Ewan Good job, Ewan. Don't eat that cookie too fast without a glass of milk handy! And readers, here's a new chapter. I had a bit of a psychology class inspiration yesterday. So look out, and don't "Freudian slip" on the bad psychology jokes, lol. HERE GOES!

Chapter 5: Ewan's Experiments With Psychiatry

Ewan was furious. He stared incredulously at the map, wondering how he could have made such a horrid blunder. He was growing annoyed with his map, as it was not his continent. Ewan finally felt the first pangs of homesickness, not because he missed his sister or Gerik's Mercenaries, but because he missed having a map that he could read properly.

"How in the world," cried Ewan with childish rage, "Did we get turned around going through etrierehehe…"

"Etruria," said Lute in a calm monotony.

"Latona bless you," said Ewan.

"I didn't sneeze, Ewan. The name of the country we thought ourselves to be in is named Etruria," Lute said with a sigh.

Ewan froze.

"What do you mean 'we thought ourselves'? We were in Etruria, passing through Wocky Forest while heading north! How were we not in Etruria?"

"Latona bless you," said Amelia quietly.

"I DIDN'T SNEEZE!!!" screamed Ewan at the top of his lungs.

"Ewan, you are incorrect. We are not in Etruria. We are in Jabber Forest in Lycia, not Wocky Forest in Etruria. They are shaped geographically the same, due to a protest for peace that the woodcutters performed during their last war, which caused many people to become lost and scattered, causing the formation of the different provinces, such as Caelin, Ryerde, Worde, Laus, and others," Lute rambled on.

"LUTE! If I want a geography lesson, I'll give it to you!"

"Friends, why should we argue? Why not just ask for directions from the next person we see? It should be relatively simple then," said L'Arachel calmly.

So they rode on in a general northern direction until they came upon a cavalier wielding a bright silver lance. Franz started drooling after looking upon the lance. The cavalier, clad in reddish-purple armor with a smug look on his face, looked up at the group as they approached.

"Ah," he drawled, "Welcome to Laus. I am Erik, heir to the throne of the Marquess of Laus. Our Marquess is Marquess Darin. How may I be of service?"

Ross leaned over to Franz.

"Doesn't he have a facial expression similar to Innes, Franz?"

Franz nodded, as Amelia spoke.

"Here Ewan, let me handle this. You might be too steamed up, and women are better at asking for directions."

She approached Erik.

"Greetings, good Sir Erik. I am Amelia of Grado, a paladin in service to the Throne of the Emperor of Grado. I was wondering if you could help us with directions, because we're touring your beauteous continent, and-"

Erik scoffed, openly and mockingly.

"How dare you address me in such a casual fashion, woman. A woman of your stature shouldn't dare to approach a noble lord such as myself without my permission, much less speak."

Franz was shaking in rage. He almost charged Erik with his Killing Edge, when suddenly a figure in black armor appeared quietly next to him.

"Hold your sword, a second, Franz. Let Amelia deal with this pompous bas- erm, royal brat," the Shadow General whispered. Ewan grinned in anticipation.

Amelia exploded into a fit of screaming rage.

"WHAT? HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME BY TRYING TO PULL RANK AND STATURE! YOU SNOBBY CHAUVINISTIC PIG! I OUGHT TO PULL OUT A KILLER LANCE AND CRIT YOUR PUNK-CAVALIER-WITH-A-SILVER-LANCE FACE!"

As Amelia unloaded all of her verbal assault on Erik, he started trembling. His horse dumped him off of his back, ran away a few feet, and dropped to the ground to play dead. Meanwhile, Erik lay cowering on the ground, whimpering.

"If he weren't such a jerk, I'd actually feel sorry for him," said Ewan to the Shadow General. SG only nodded in assent.

Amelia finished her rant, and then stalked off into the woods. Franz went to follow, but Ewan stopped him.

"Hang on, Franz. I'll go help her, because I have this amazing piece of paper!"

He held up a piece of paper that said:

University of Caer Pelyn

Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology

Specializing in Psychoanalysis

Awarded to Ewan for Scholastic Achievement

"Wow, Ewan, where did you get that?" Ross asked in amazement.

"SG gave it to me. He said his Randomness Generator spit it out for me. Anyway, off I go. Let's just camp here for the night. Dozla, help Franz and Ross unload the supply wagons. Princess Eirika, if you and L'Arachel could gather kindling? Everyone else, set up tents and post a watch."

With that, Ewan ran off into the woods.

Ewan was sitting in a leather-upholstered armchair, with a gray beard and mustache on his face. He was wearing bifocals, and puffing on a cigar that blew out bubbles in all of the colors known to man. Amelia was lying on a couch, facing toward a window that was showing the forest outside. A fire was crackling in the fireplace, and thousands of books lined shelves around the room. A desk sat near the fire, with a fresh roll of parchment and a peacock-feather quill sat in an inkwell on the desk.

"So, Amelia," Ewan said with an Austrian accent, "When did you start having this problem with maintaining self control when facing arrogant men?" He puffed on the cigar, and multicolored bubbles floated out, a very puke-like green color popping on Amelia's nose and giving off the scent of lilacs. (A/N: Why lilacs? I dunno, I make this up as I go…)

Amelia sighed woefully, closing her eyes as she reminisced.

"It was about the time that I first joined the Grado army as a fresh, eager recruit. I was ready to go out and fight for the Emperor. I first went to the port of Port Kiris with my first commander, who treated me like a drill sergeant. Then, I went to Fort Rigwald, where I served under Commander Gheb, and he was a very chauvinistic, fat pig of a man, who I was just another generic soldier to." She sighed and took a sip of tea. Then she spoke again.

"Ewan, why are you speaking so funny? And why do you have a cigar? People our age shouldn't smoke. And why is there a psychiatry office in the middle of the woods?"

"Firstly, I am Sigmund-Ewan Freud, an Austrian native with a passion for studying the human psyche. Secondly, this is a toy cigar that I made that shoots out flavored- I mean scented bubbles. I don't smoke, ever. And lastly, if you ask me no questions about the office, I will tell you no lies about the office, okay? Okay!" Ewan puffed on the toy cigar again, and a brown bubble came out that smelled like espresso. "Now, Amelia, think back before the war. Was there perhaps something that ignited this aggression toward chauvinists before? Something maybe to do with issues with your mother?"

Amelia glared at "Sigmund-Ewan Freud" from where she was on the couch.

"My mother was kidnapped by an all-female bandit gang, Sigmund-Ewan Fraud!"

"Freud," Ewan corrected her with his Austrian accent, "And I apologize, but it is in the questions I ask everyone. You must remember, Amelia, that not all men are like that fool-of-a-lordling Erik back there. You must continue to be kind, chivalrous, and friendly to all whom you may meet. You mustn't let a few chauvinistic/sadistic/easily-depressed bad guys ruin your life experience."

"You're right. Thank you "Sigmund-Ewan Fraud," she said with a friendly hug.

"Freud. And you are very welcome."

The army eventually continued on, under the leadership of the now beardless Ewan, and they finally moved forward north until they reached the great plains of Sacae. But as they left Jabber Forest, Ewan used an Elfire tome to roast half of the trees on the edge of the forest they emerged from.

"That way I can tell the difference," Ewan said with a laugh.

Meanwhile, the Mage-Bashing Squirrel ran in circles on the edge of the forest, tail alight in the late afternoon sun, asking Ewan for forgiveness for his meanness so he could keep his tail. The Wolf that attacked later was only too happy to help douse the fire on the squirrel's tail with a load of saliva.

"Oh, crud," said the squirrel as the wolf pounced, rending the squirrel's flesh with

BEEP BEEP Censored for Animal VIOLENCE!

End of Chapter 5

SG: Well, I hope that this chapter appeases you, my readers. Thanks for sticking with me! And remember, they really do make Frisbee-sized cookies!

Congrats to everyone who figured out that I was talking about Oblivion in the last chapter. Free cookies all around, and free Recognition ribbons. See you next time, I will probably update really soon. Just read the last chapter's sneak preview for the sneak preview for this chapter. That should cover up the mistake I- er, Ewan made last time. Later all.

The Shadow General