Jim didn't say anything about Sam coming to visit for the next week and Bones thankfully seemed to understand that he just wanted to think on his own. They lived in a relative silence broken only by Joanna's delightful chatter and the ambient sounds that always seemed to be running in Jim's suite, such as the television or music of some kind, just playing some games with their daughter or working on their schooling.

Jim had asked Archer on Wednesday if he would mind watching Joanna with Pike for the weekend, and aside from grumbling about heathen children and their offspring, he said it was fine. He also said Jim had to grade all of the essays that were about to be handed in, but Jim was fine with that. It wasn't as if it would take him that long - an afternoon, two at the most, and that was if Archer actually made him grade all of the essays.

Friday, after Jim had escaped the evil clutches of Intergalactic Ethics, and Uhura had mentioned flippantly that her roommate was being rather curmudgeonly, he picked Joanna up and took her over to Pike's place, having acquired the address from Archer. She didn't seem to mind, showing more interest in Porthos than Jim retreating out of the house.

He returned back home to find emptiness and clutter. Bones had shift on Fridays and though they were supposed to end at five, Bones usually was corralled into staying at the medical center until seven or eight. He would have the suite alone to himself for two to three entire hours, which would be a good thing. Jim had decided that he would tell Bones about Tarsus IV today, and give the doctor enough time to digest the information before Sam came to San Francisco. He needed those hours to himself to formulate how he would bring it up and more importantly to steady his nerves.

He had never spoken to anyone about Tarsus, barring some officials and his brother. He didn't even remember those conversations, not with clarity. When everyone had drilled him for information he had been half-drugged and mostly starved. He drifted in and out faster than the tide. All he remembered were the vague faces and monotonous uniforms of the officials and the guilty face of Sam sitting beside his biobed.

He wasn't even sure where to start.

He wandered into their bedroom, thinking vaguely on what to do about the impending Tarsus conversation, as well as wondering whether it would be beneficial to just move whatever else Bones had in the other suite into his. Bones was almost never at his apartment. Sure, it may be moving quickly but Jim found that he liked the idea. He didn't like being away from Bones anymore.

He thought briefly about the repercussions about what would happen if they broke up, but for the first time he was able to dismiss the thought as nothing more than a pessimistic thought, a fleeting consideration.

Jim felt a sort of light-heartedness in that. He worried, but that fear wasn't eclipsing.

It was part of what made the idea of telling Bones about his past a little easier to grip. He didn't want to, but when he did, it would be okay. It would be awkward; Jim expected that. It probably wasn't easy to be told that someone you know…someone you love, was part of a mass genocide that had been reported as nothing more than a colony-wide crop failure. There would be questions, so many questions, and Jim wouldn't be able to answer them all. The important thing, though, was that Bones wouldn't go anywhere, would fall asleep with him at night and wake up with him in the morning.

He could do this. It was what he told himself, and he found that it was easy to believe. The 'how' was the only problem. How would he bring it up? How would he explain it? How would he tell Bones that he wasn't entirely over it, but he wasn't necessarily held back by it? If Bones one day asked about his food intake, would Jim be able to tell him that he just forgot to eat without it weighing down on Bones' mind that he had been starved for near seven months and that was why he sometimes spaced out on meals?

Bones was a fiercely caring man. Would this hurt him more than benefit him?

Jim took a deep breath. He didn't want to hurt Bones.

He sat down on their bed, piling the pillows so he could lean back on them. Relaxing against the cushioned headboard, he tried to clear his mind. The more he tried to think about this the more he would doubt whether he should, not whether he could, and he needed to. Sam would not be dissuaded, not even if asked to keep the questions at bay. Sam could barely remember to make sure the clothes he was wearing were clean. Remembering to not ask questions was practically beyond his comprehension.

He didn't realize he had fallen asleep until he felt the bed shift around him, hand skimming across his right pectoral over his shoulder.

"You should undress," Bones said in a hushed voice.

Jim barely opened his eyes, but a sleep-muddled but nonetheless lecherous smile curled his lips. "I like the idea of that."

"I'm sure you do," he replied humorously. Through Jim's half open eyes he could see Bones lean closer to him. He closed his eyes, intent on simply feeling as Bones brushed their lips together. Jim's smile didn't diminish in the slightest. He pulled the doctor closer to him, earning a small grunt for the action. "Easy, Jim. It was a long day of leaning over. My back's killing me."

"Lay down then."

He snorted. "I was working on it before you distracted me."

"Not my fault."

Bones pulled away, pulling his cadet jacket, which had been opened but not discarded, off to lie uselessly on the floor. Jim watched his own private show, his eyes lingering appreciatively as Bones removed his undershirt, revealing taut planes of his naturally tanned skin. He flicked his eyes upwards, catching Bones' gaze.

"You gonna join me in this or are you gonna sleep in your uniform?" Bones asked, a wry smile turning up the corners of his lips.

Jim watched that smile, feeling his stomach flutter. He suddenly wondered if perhaps he should wait until tomorrow to tell Bones. He was so relaxed now. In a good mood, despite his long shift, and looking at the clock displaying the time it had been a long shift. Jim didn't really want to spoil that. But they were picking Jo up tomorrow afternoon, and Jim wanted some of the turmoil out of the way.

Jim stood too, quickly stripping out of his cadet reds. He hesitated getting back in bed, instead reaching for the drawer next to his bed, where all of their after-dark, early-morning essentials lay. He pulled out their massage oil, still sealed in the original wrap they had bought it in. Jim couldn't think of a better time to put it into use.

He turned to Bones, rearranging Jim's wall of pillows. "Leave it, Bones," he commanded, causing Bones to look up at him curiously. "Just lay down…on your stomach."

Bones stared at him a moment longer, which made Jim gesture at the bed with a hint of impatience. Slowly, a little cautiously, the doctor did as he was told. Jim crawled onto the bed after him, straddling Bones' thighs and fiddling with the wrapping on the bottle. The scraps of plastic joined the rest of their scattered mess of clothing and whatever else they were always just a little too busy to pick up.

"We should clean up tomorrow," Bones muttered, the words slightly slurred by the pillow his face was in.

Jim leaned to kiss the back of his neck. Then, sitting back up, he poured the liquid onto Bones' back, smirking to himself when the muscles twitched at the temperature difference. The doctor took a deep breath, probably to grump and Jim about warning or warming the oil before he dumped it on his skin. Jim didn't give him the chance, putting his hand to work, rubbing the oil into tense muscles and all but ripping a gratified groan from Bones' throat. The noise shot straight through Jim coming to rest in low in his belly.

Swallowing against the arousal stirring up inside him, he continued to knead, smiling softly as the oil heated between their skin, pulling soft sighs from the man beneath him. Jim again wondered if he should maybe just tell him later, some different time when Bones wasn't so relaxed. His hands slowed, fingers working harder to release knots.

He sighed. "Hey, Bones?" He was returned with a grunt. "I need to tell you something."

Bones shuffled himself, folding his arms beneath his head. "What is it?"

Jim opened his mouth to say something, but he found the words reluctant to leave him. Bones looked so relaxed, so pliant beneath his palms. He didn't want to ruin it. He really didn't. He was going to though. It was now or never.

As Bones shifted beneath him, worry hinting on his forehead, Jim plowed on, pushing more of his weight on to the doctor to keep him still.

"What do you know about Tarsus IV?" he asked softly, seemingly unable to get his voice above the hushed tones.

From the angle Jim was at, he could see Bones' forehead wrinkle in confusion then concentration. A few moments given to the sound of Bones' deep breathing. "I remember hearing bits and pieces of it on the newsfeeds. Massive crop failure that left four thousand dead, very few survivors."

That was what the newsfeeds had said, and in just the slightest way it was true. There was a crop-failure, and thousands had been left dead, but the two were not necessarily synonymous.

"The Federation covered it up," he said slowly, watching how Bones took that small sliver of the truth. There was nothing, save for the slightest tensing around his shoulders. "It was a mass genocide. There was a crop failure, but most of the four thousand deaths were ordered by the governor of Tarsus IV."

"Why would the Federation cover something like that up?" He didn't understand and it wasn't like Jim suddenly expected him to. He supposed he sounded a little paranoid, talking about cover-ups so suddenly, out of nowhere from Bones' perspective.

"The President personally appointed the governor of Tarsus IV. Shook hands with him and everything before he left an entire Earth colony in his hands. Then he didn't do anything to stop the genocide, not that many thought he knew about it. I sure as hell never did. Kodos was pretty good at keeping the relations good. He also had the outbound messages filtered. Regardless, though, four thousand people died due to Federation negligence. That looks pretty bad on a rap sheet."

"Why are you telling me all this?"

Jim could tell it was almost falling into place. He knew he should just outright say it, but as ready as he was, as much as he knew he could do it, he still didn't quite want to. He answered Bones' question, feeling the awkwardness he knew would happen, having felt it building during his explanation of the cover up. "Sam is coming into town and he likes to bring it up and I thought it would be better coming from me than from Sam."

"Sam likes to talk about Tarsus IV being a cover up?"

"Don't say it like that," Jim said heavily. "Tarsus was a cover up. I know."

Silence, heavy with understanding. It had fallen into place for Bones. The doctor pushed himself up and Jim let him, sliding off and onto the bed easily. Bones sat up, his shoulders, still slick with oil Jim hadn't worked all the way into his skin, catching the soft artificial rays of their room. His eyes were tight, narrowed on him. "You were there."

"All seven months," he said with a nod, watching as something in Bones' face crumpled just the slightest bit. Jim had known he was too caring, had known this would hurt Bones, nearly as much as it hurt for him to remember. "I was actually there for a year, but the last seven are what stick out." Jim turned away from Bones' face, his teeth clenching just a little to keep some of the stronger emotions in check. "Look, I just wanted you to know. That way if Sam brings it up you won't be shocked. Okay?"

Bones pushed off the bed completely, searching through the mess to find a comfortable pair of jeans. For a moment, Jim wondered if he had been wrong. He didn't understand how he could have been, but he did wonder if this would be the final straw. As if somehow Tarsus IV would officially be too fucked up for Bones to deal with. Jim felt a flush of anger and a striking need to get in the doctor's way, but it ebbed as Bones came back to the bed.

He sat down on the bed, much in the same fashion he had been before he put his jeans on, but somehow it was different. Apparently, the jeans meant that he was officially prepared to deal with all of this. Jim could almost understand that. Clothing acted as some sort of barrier, something to help ease the onslaught of what Jim had just told him.

They sat in a few more moments of loud quiet and Jim waited patiently. Then, Bones asked slowly, his mind still working to sort, "Can I ask you something?"

Jim shrugged, his movements a little jerky. "Only if you understand that there are some things I can't answer."

He nodded, hesitated, pushed forward anyway. "How old were you?"

"I was fifteen when I got back. My mother sent me when I was fourteen." Even he heard the odd sting in his voice, even after so many years. It wasn't like she knew what would happen, no one could have.

He thought about Winona, and then spared a thought to the family he had lived with for that year that he was an 'exchange student.' They had been normal, functional in the loosest sense of the term, but somehow so perfect to Jim. He remembered being torn between anger that they were so amazing and awe, because they had accepted him into their home easily. It had been Ms. Sato and her two daughters, nine and ten when he met them and both annoying in the most endearing way. Ms. Sato taught him a little bit of Klingon and he still remembered how to call someone a spineless disgrace.

He could still comprehend a few words Uhura was saying when she was helping some of her classmates, but he remembered that most.

He smiled at the memory of her, a little Asian woman reaching up into her late forties practically growling at the kids, growing in number as the genocide spread, and encouraging them to follow her lead, to grunt and growl like Klingons were prone to do. It faded as her voice echoed in his head, telling Kodos exactly what was what, and holding Megumi, Ms. Sato's younger daughter in a loose hug, while Etsuko, the elder, soothed the younger children from the yelling going on in the other side of the house.

He hadn't thought of them in so long.

He found that the struggle to survive preyed on his mind more than the escape. He remembered taking the kids, the youngest just two years old, no older than Joanna was now, and fitting in his arms awkwardly, both of them bony and wasted away, to scavenge for something to eat in the wilted vegetation. He only remembered Ms. Sato's angry voice when he demanded it, and he hardly ever did. He hated thinking about Tarsus IV, hated thinking about how thin she became and how many hungry children she kept safe in her house. He liked to remember her yelling in Klingon and laughing when Megumi tried to follow her instructions.

Bones touched his arm gently, his face eclipsed in worry.

"The family I was staying with was one of the last left," Jim began, almost without knowing what he doing. "The Sato's lived on a reserve some distance from the city. Hoshi liked nature much more than city life. She made a call to a friend of hers…when it got really bad, a pilot that she served with some time ago. When Kodos came for us with his guards, she told him that Commander Mayweather was coming for the kids left in her care, and if there weren't nine children to board the shuttle, a call would be made to the President. Commander Mayweather came in his ship with a few of his personal team, beamed me and the other children aboard and we went back to Earth."

"Have you ever spoken to anyone about this?" Bones asked.

He shook his head, leaning back on the bed with his arms folded behind his head. "The families of the survivors were given compensation money with the promise that as long as Tarsus IV's truth was kept under wraps they would send a monthly installment."

"Hush money," Bones said, an undercurrent of anger scoring his voice.

He shrugged. "Not really. It wasn't much, about ten thousand credits." All taken by his step-father and burned through before Jim had been able to legally divorce his 'parents.' "But it didn't take a lot to keep the younger ones quiet. They didn't understand much of what happened. They knew that they were hungry; that everyone was hungry. And some of them knew that their parents had left them in Hoshi's care permanently. There weren't a lot of older kids. There were three above the age of seven, me and Hoshi's kids. I don't know why they were quiet. They went to live in England with their godfather and I haven't heard from them since I was sixteen."

Bones lay down beside him, propping his head up. "What about you?"

Jim met his eyes and saw the anger dancing in his hazel eyes along with sorrow. He had told Bones that he left his home when he was fifteen a few weeks ago, told him about his non-existent mother and her part-time abusive husband. Jim knew it was another piece falling into place for Bones. "I was sent back to Iowa. Stayed a few weeks in the hospital, drugged up to my gills so that my body would gain back its balance."

"And your mom…?

"In the Beta Quadrant." His jaw clenched again, an aggravated tic at the memory of waking up, at the memory of thinking for one second that she might have shown up. "That was when it kind of fell into perspective. I had always thought she didn't love me. When she didn't even come home after I had been starved for seven months, it brought stunning clarity to the fact she didn't love me." Bones looked like he was ready to spit nails, his teeth grinding behind his lips and his eyes alight with fury. Jim pulled a hand out from beneath his head, setting it against the doctor's neck. "You don't have to say anything. I would actually appreciate it if you didn't."

"Jim," he sighed, frustrated.

"Bones," he countered. "I don't want to talk about this anymore tonight."

The doctor took a deep breath, staring at Jim with dissatisfaction. There were millions of questions visible just below the surface, near visibly trying to escape the cage of his teeth. Bones held them back though. "Alright, Jim," he conceded, bringing his hand to settle on Jim's belly. "We'll talk more about this later."

Jim nodded his agreement, before taking a deep breath, mentally shaking himself of reticent emotions trying to voice their claim on him. He looked Bones over, taking in the stiffness in his form. All Jim's previous work gone to hell. He would have to start from scratch. He hauled himself up, pushed Bones onto his back, trailing hands down the doctor's sides and hooking on to the jeans slung loosely across his hips.

Bones didn't say a word about Tarsus for the rest of the night, not that there was much chance to. He didn't really say much of anything besides the sweet nothing that fell into Jim ear between heavy panting and lustful moans. The last actual words Jim remembered from that night were the ones in his ear just before he fell asleep.

"I love you, Jim. I love you and I swear I won't leave you." Like they did, lingered in the air.

Jim believed him.

+ststst+

They didn't have to pick up their daughter until three the next afternoon, so they slept in as late as possible, or Jim did. He felt Bones leave the bed a few times only to return a little later. He normally did that though. Whereas Jim had normally been the first to rise in New Orleans, Bones was the early riser these days. He woke up first and did a few things around the suite only to return to their bed after he had finished, wrapping up around Jim just as he had before he left the bed.

It wasn't until around eleven that Bones pulled Jim from the blankets, enticing him with the promise of food. Jim was a little disappointed when 'food' consisted of bagels and cream cheese, but he put it aside. Food was food and Bones seemed like he was fine after the load Jim had dumped on him yesterday. There were some considering glances, a moment when Bones had drifted off to his own world, but for the most part he just fitted the information with information he already had, like Jim was a puzzle.

They spent most of their day in the living area. Bones was reading the journals and suggested readings some of his texts had offered, and Jim spent his time reading his own texts, watching the newsfeeds, or poking and prodding Bones, trying to help them ease back into fully normal. He wanted to show Bones that it was okay, that Tarsus wasn't going to change anything for them.

Jim decided he wanted to visit with Pike and Archer for a while before taking Joanna home, mostly bored of reading and sitting still in general. Bones hadn't looked too thrilled about that prospect, even though he was completely fine with picking Joanna up and then returning to their suite, the homebody. He agreed to go though, his dislike of Pike slowly waning and enjoying Archer's bitching enough to go along.

Pike lived closer to the Academy than Archer did, about a thirty minute walk and so they both grabbed their jackets and headed out into the cool November air that permeated around the bay area of San Francisco. The walk for the first couple of minutes was silent, but Jim eventually grew bored with it, bored with the entire situation and began chattering away aimlessly about nearly nothing at all.

By the time he had deteriorated to yammering about rumors Uhura had let him in on, including the one about one of the Orion sisters, who had supposedly beaten one of her professors at reassembling and more impressively boosting proficiency in a disassembled hard-drive taken from the library and was now apprenticing under a Vulcan instructor, Bones cut him off. There was humor dancing in his eyes and an indulgent upturn of his lips.

"Jim, why are you telling me all of this?" he asked amusedly.

He shrugged. "I'm just repeating what I heard."

"No," Bones denied. "You're making nervous chatter. You never tell me about rumors. You didn't even tell me about the rumor that we were married." He shook his head. "Is this about last night?"

Jim's silence must have been answer enough, because Bones sighed. "I'm not gonna freak out if that's what you're thinking is gonna happen. It was shocking. It still is shocking. I can't imagine going through what you did. I can't imagine how you turned out the way you did with everything that happened to you." He grabbed Jim's fingers briefly in a quick squeeze. "And yeah, it isn't something that I'm gonna just forget about, but…you're here. You're whole and you made an effort to talk about it, are willing to continue making an effort to talk about it." He stopped, momentarily caught up in his thoughts. "It shows a strength of character…one I'm not sure I would have in your position."

Jim frowned at his last statement, though he was warmed by the testimony. He thought of all Bones had done for him, for their daughter, and for the continuation of their relationship. He thought of all Bones had shared with him. "Don't say that, Bones," he admonished softly. "You're one of the strongest people I know."

He snorted. "Thanks for the platitude, Jim."

"I mean it! Bones, I went through hell, but you went through your own special hell, too. People you loved died, your dad not six months ago. A woman you thought loved you had affairs all through your marriage… while you were attending to your father, trying to cure him and in the end trying to ease his pain. That alone should have put you in an irreparable bad mood, and then you come here and I have Jo, and you take that with a grace no sentient being should possess." Jim bumped his shoulder against the doctor's. "If that isn't strength then there's no such thing."

Bones rolled his eyes, but Jim could see that he wasn't unaffected by what had been said to him. "It's official," he said drolly, but with a hitch in his tone, aurally demonstrating that what Jim had said hadn't been for naught. "We both need therapy."

Jim smiled. "No, we don't. Starfleet checked that before they let us go into classes."

"Hah!" Bones barked his incredulous laughter. "Yes, because people who would willingly go into space in a giant tin-can definitely know who's sane and who isn't."

Jim shrugged. "I used to be willing to go into space."

"I rest my case. They need therapy. You need therapy. I need therapy for associating with you. We're all crazy!"

He laughed, loud and carefree. "The best ones always are," he told Bones, his nerves eased with this conversation behind them.

He couldn't believe Bones would deal with him; couldn't believe Bones actually wanted him.

He couldn't believe Bones loved him, but he was glad that he did.

They picked up Joanna and she actually ignored Porthos for ten entire minutes, lavishing both Bones and Jim with her affection before she went toddling off to go find the Beagle. Archer actually seemed to be in a relatively good mood, and Jim asked if he had tortured Pike throughout the night. For a moment the admiral had been without anything to say, but he had glared at Pike accusingly. Of course, the captain had only shrugged carelessly, more interested in Joanna and Porthos.

When Jim and Bones took Joanna home, Uhura was waiting at their door, tapping her foot impatiently. Her roommate had apparently turned into Khan Noonien Singh, and she just couldn't take it any more. Jim was kind of shocked that she had come to their suite out of all of her friends, but when he commented on it, she gave him her patented 'unimpressed' glare and told him that he chose their company for Joanna, who had ran to her 'Aiya' with joyous giggles.

They ate dinner together, ordered Chinese food and Uhura became frustrated enough to stab at Jim with her chop sticks which made Joanna cackle hysterically and poke at Bones with her fork. Bones tickled her for her treachery. It was a relaxing night, and Jim forgot that in a week his brother would be here with his fiancé. It was just what he needed, what they all needed apparently.

They broke out some playing cards that Jim had buried under his padds, and played poker mostly, but at one point Uhura taught them how to play a game called 'Bullshit' which they censored for Joanna, who played in the kitchen with a few of her dinosaur toys. It was a great night.

It was made perfect by the shower Bones and Jim shared before they went to bed, the time they spent kissing and touching after Bones pushed him against the wall. The heat of the water was exacerbated by the heat of their bodies together. When Jim came, he quieted himself by biting into Bones' shoulder. He bit harder when he heard Bones say those words again as he released.

"I love you…"

He sent Bones to their room before him, finishing washing while Bones dressed and readied their bed. When he was finished, he stepped out and for the first time in a long time, Jim actually looked in the mirror, his attention caught. It had only been a month and a half with Bones, but he looked so different. In Iowa, he had looked tired and bedraggled. Already, though, he almost looked twenty-two again. Without Bones haunting his dreams, with Bones there with him every night in real life, he felt good, in a completely different way than when it had just been Joanna and him.

He felt…complete.

+ststst+

A/N: Loves to all of you!

(do the monkey with me)

InnocentGuilt