Chapter 3 : Getting to the heart of the matter

Today is apparently official 'Lets give Shelby a talking to day". I only wish someone had told me that before hand so I could mentally prepare myself.

It began shortly after my arrival at school. I received a message from Vera at reception, saying that a Mr Berry had phoned and left a message, and could I return his call please, as soon as possible.

I can't say I was overly surprised, I'd been waiting for this call ever since Rachel introduced herself. My only surprise is that it took 3 whole days.

Knowing that this is one conversation that needed to be had, I decided it would be better to speak with the Berrys sooner rather than later.

Unfortunately Vera hadn't bothered to ask which Mr Berry it was that called, not that Vera would have known that there were two Mr Berrys to begin with. Dialling the number, I could only hope that it was James, as memory serves he was more laid back of the pair.

Fortunately some deity or another decided to give me a break, as a few seconds later I recognise the dulcet tones of Mr James Berry answering the phone.

"James, it's Shelby" No need for me to elaborate, I doubt there are many other Shelbys in his life that he wants to speak to right now.

"Shelby!" He exclaims "Look, before I begin I want to apologise for calling you at work, its just we don't have your home number, and Rachel is refusing to give it to us, and I really don't think this is an appropriate subject for email…"

"It's not a problem, as it happens I have the first two periods free today."

"Ok, well I don't really need to explain the reason behind my call do I?"

"No, not really."

"Good, because please forgive me here Shelby, but her other Father and I are still trying to understand how exactly she found out about you in the first place, and how you two made contact, especially as you cannot have forgotten the contract you signed."

I decide to play my cards close to my chest for the moment "what exactly has Rachel told you?"

"Rachel has been talking about some kind of cassette tape, something called Vocal Adrenaline, Les Miserables, Funny Girl, Lady Gaga and Red Chantilly lace. It's not very clear and all quite confusing, but her therapist tells us that we shouldn't push her by asking her to repeat the story over and over again. One thing we have gathered is that you are a teacher over at Carmel High School, and she went over there and found you. Just like that."

There is a pause, which I take as my cue to start explaining.

"Its more or less exactly as you understand it. I am the coach of the Glee club over at Carmel. Rachel and some of her team-mates came over to our rehearsal to scope out the competition. She heard me singing, recognised my voice, and came and introduced herself to me. I had no idea she was there. Of course I am aware that legally I cannot make contact with her until she is 18, but seeing as she was in front of me, I couldn't very well ignore her or deny it."

"No, I suppose not. But how did she recognise your voice? Leroy and I took the decision not to discuss you or reveal any thing to do with your identity until she was 18, and if as you said you didn't initiate it, we are at a loss to explain it."

Yes, and so am I, in a way that does not incriminate me. So here goes….

"Rachel recognised my singing voice from the tape."

"Tape? What tape?"

"The tape" I say "The tape I left her at the hospital" I try to make my tone light, as if I am stating the obvious, and James is the one with a memory problem.

"I don't remember a tape."

"I made a tape of me singing I dream a dream. I gave it to one of the nurses at the hospital and asked them to pass it on to you, to give to Rachel when she was older, if she asked about me."

It's a bluff, in fact its more than a bluff, it's a down and out lie and I hate the way it rolls so easily off my tongue, but I am desperate., desperate to keep Rachel in my life and desperate to avoid legal prosecution.

"I have no recollection of a tape, perhaps it was given to Leroy, I need to talk to him about it." The tone of James' voice lets me know in no uncertain terms that this little detail is far from over.

"Anyway, that is not the most important thing right now. The most important thing is Rachel. I'm afraid I can't say we are happy that this has happened right now, but it has happened and we all have to decide how to deal with it."

"Of course"

"Rachel is already very invested in this reunion. She is refusing to give us your phone number, for fear that we would call and tell you to stay away. We just want what is best for her, what will make her happy."

"As do I"

"Which is why, before we give our support and approval to this, we need to know what your intentions are."

"My intentions?"

"Well, surely this must be as big a shock for you as it is for us. Have you thought about having Rachel in your life. Do you want to be in her life?"

"Yes" I reply with a ferocity and intensity that surprises myself. "Yes, I want her in my life. I need her in my life, in any way shape or form that you and she will allow."

"well then, now we all know where we stand, perhaps we can find a way forward."

James and I talk for another 20 minutes or so, and finish up our conversation, after a reminder that he and Leroy are her parents and are the ones responsible for her, we left it on a fairly positive note that he and Leroy will not stand in the way of Rachel and I forging a relationship. We exchange numbers and agree to stay in contact.

No sooner had I finished explaining my intentions to one of the males in Rachel's life, than another one is on the phone.

Will Schuster is sumoning me over to McKinley to discuss Rachel. As a teacher I can respect his dedication and concern for his students. As Rachel's biological mother, I can't help but feel peeved about why he feels the need to talk to me, when Rachel's fathers seem to be on board with things.

"Are you ready to have a teenage daughter in your life?" he asks, in the kind of semi-patronising tone that makes me want to kick the table in front of me.

"No." I say. " But when is anyone ever ready to have a child in their life. Do I want Rachel in my life? Yes. Am I finding it strange and slightly hard to accept that she is 16 years old not a baby? Yes. But, and this the most important thing, am I willing to do any thing and everything it takes to make this relationship work? Yes."

I stand, and thanks to my natural height, the 4 inch stiletto healed boots I'm wearing , and the fact that Will is still sitting, I tower over him.

"Thank you for your concern. But Rachel and I will be fine."

With that I leave, and go to find the person at the centre of all this.

I find her in the music room pouring over sheet music. "Rachel" I call, and she smiles as she looks up.

"Hi…" her smile drops as she notices my serious look.

"Can we talk please?"

"Sure" her eyes are downcast and I hate myself for causing her to feel worried".

"First things first." I tilt her chin and look her straight in the eyes. " I love you. I have loved you since before you were born and have never stopped. I know it seems strange how someone can love someone that they don't know, as we really don't know each other, but you will have to believe me, its true. Either way, whatever happens, wherever we go from here, I will still love you, and nothing will change that.

I have thought about you endlessly over the past 16 years, especially recently. But when I thought about you, it was always my baby that I imagined, not a teenager, even though logically I know how old you are. It was only when you came to Carmel the other day and we spoke that I truly realised that you are 16 years old, and have 16 years full of memories that I have not shared and cannot be part of.

Which is why I needed, and still need, a little time to process the fact that you are a teenager, and that you have different needs, and that my role in your life will be different to how I had been imagining it.

And if I'm correct, I am probably different to how you imagined me to be too. Am I right?"

"Yes," She admits. " When I was little, and my dads would tell me off for being naughty, which wasn't very often, I used to imagine you coming in and I would run and hug you, and you would tell me that my dads were wrong to have told me off, because I hadn't done anything wrong.

And the reason why they never talked about you was because you were a Princess or a Celebrity, and no one could know who you were, but then one day you would appear, and you would bake me cookies and knit me jumpers and pass on wisdom about dating and appropriate make-up application. You wouldn't work, you'd just be home all day, ready for whenever I needed you."

"Well sweetie, you can tell from the little that you have seen of me, I am not a 1950s housewife. I am a career driven bitch who can just about boil an egg. But that's who I am, just you are who you are."

"Where do we go from here?"

"We take things one step at a time, and get to know each other, we try and build a relationship, slowly over time. I want to be in your life, whether that is as a friend, older sister, god mother, or actual mother. I am not your parent, I can't and won't over turn any decisions that your dads make for you. They say your curfew is 10pm then your curfew is 10pm, but as I said, I will be there for you, in whatever way I can. Does that sound ok to you?"

Rachel nods.

"Good. Do you think I could get a hug?"

She nods again, and walks in to my embrace. As my arms close around her, I try and remember every detail about this moment, the second time I have ever held my daughter in her life.

TBC