Chapter 4: One step more

Every year at Regionals, without fail there is some kind of minor hiccup. This year, Carrie has just fallen off her shoes and twisted her ankle. She at least had the good grace to wait until after we had performed. Her ankle has swollen up quite badly, and a trip to the hospital is in order, except there is no way on this earth that I am leaving this building until the results are announced.

That's why I have just spent the past 10 minutes trying to get a hold of Mrs Hart the other Carmel Chaperone. Her phone keeps ringing out, with no answer which makes me believe she either left it at home, or it is still on silent from the first half.

The judges have called an hours break for lunch, so I set forth in the auditorium to find her. Last I remembered she was sat about 7 rows back from the front. Fiddling with my phone, as I try to ring her again, I take my eyes off the aisle in front of me, and manage to collide with an innocent bystander.

"I'm sorry sir.." I begin..

"no no, " he says…

And then comes the awkward pause as we both realise who the other one is we are.

"Leroy" I say, extending a hand

"Shelby" he replies, shaking it courteously,

Behind Leroy I notice James, packing up a small mountain of audio visual equipment. Its safe to say that Rachel's fathers haven't changed much physically over the years. Leroy keeps his hair close to his head, no doubt to distract from the fact it is receding, and James now wears glasses, but aside from that they are how I remembered.

I don't think I have changed much over the years, though I can't be sure, given that Leroy is now looking at me with a curious expression on his face. In fact, staring would be a more accurate word.

"How are you? What are you doing here? Did you come to see Rachel" James asks,

"I'm good thank you. And I am here with Vocal Adrenaline, I'm their coach."

"Oh, yes I forgot about that. Yes, they were quite good."

Just as I am wondering how to extract myself from this conversation, a ball of gold taffeta and energy comes running down the aisle from the opposite direction.

"Daddy!" Rachel flings herself in to James arms for a hug, reaching out for Leroy as she does. Within seconds they have a 3-way group hug going on. "How did I do?"

Leroy, who has appeared to have recovered his voice, answers "You were sensational Cupcake, as always, wasn't she James?"

"Absolutely" James nods in agreement, "Wonderful little Diva."

"Now", Leroy interrupts " Daddy has filmed it all for you, so you can upload it on to myspace, and also for you to critically evaluate your posture, and stage presence. I have done an Mp3 recording, so we can listen to it in the car and assess your pitch, and convert it to your I-Pod. Also, we took some still photos, which I think will go really well with your portfolio and your resume, and potentially a good one for the Berry family Xmas card this year."

"Thank you Daddies" Rachel beams, and I feel so completely cut off from this family unit that there may as well be a brick wall in front of me. I ought to go find Mrs Hart.

"Um" I say, I can't just walk off without saying goodbye. All of a sudden 3 pairs of eyes swivel round and look at me. Rachel extracts herself from her fathers arms and comes to face me. As she does, I notice Leroy staring at me again.

"Hi" she says tentatively

"Hi" I reply.

"What did you think?" she asks, and I suddenly realise how much my opinion means to her. It means more to her than her fathers' as they love her so much that New Directions could have stood on stage and wailed like a bunch of Alley cats and they still would have loved it and told her she was great. Rachel is a smart girl, and knows that.

"I think you are the best voice and performer in New Directions by a country mile. You sent shivers down my spine at the beginning of Faithfully, and that has not happened outside of a VA performance in a very long time."

The smile widens.

"Thank you. VA were pretty good too. I'd say something nice about Jesse if I didn't hate his guts right now."

"That's ok. Look, I'd better go, I need to find the other Carmel Chaperone. Are we still good for lunch next Saturday?"

"Yes"

"Good. James" I nod in his direction, "Leroy…can I ask? Do I have something on my shirt?"

Leroy crinkles his brow in confusion "What?"

I sigh. "You have been looking at me oddly ever since I came over. I'm starting to get paranoid."

"Sorry. It's just, I can't get over how much you look like Rachel."

"Or rather, Rachel looks like me." I joke, "seeing as I am the original."

"it's a little unnerving. that's all, you could be a much older twin…"

Not quite knowing how to respond, I simply decided to ignore it, and continue with my goodbyes. "um, yeah, it was nice to see you again. And Rachel, 1pm at Breadstix?"

I leave, and out of the corner of my eye I see them hug Rachel again. A lump forms in my throat. They truly are a loving close family, and I am nothing but an outsider. I tamp down on that thought, and head onwards to find Mrs Hart.

I arrive at Breadstix about 15 minutes early, and sit in the parking lot waiting. I have butterflies in my stomach and my mouth is dry. Its like umpteen first dates all rolled into one. Only this isn't some potential boyfriend that I can abandon if he turns out to be a looser, this is my daughter.

This is the first time we will be meeting properly, with the intention of spending time together, purely for the chance to talk, with no other task or mini crisis to take our minds off things. Our previous interactions have been characterised by long uncomfortable silences, which I'm not in a hurry to repeat.

I spy Rachel gracefully walking through the doors, so I get out and follow her in. She has been seated by the time I get there, and smiles when she sees me.

We great each other normally enough, like friends, she looks as nervous as I am, but with an under current of excitement and curiosity. We chatter amenably enough about sectionals and the ensuing results and drama

"and then Quinn, went in to labour, and everyone had to go off to the hospital. Finn said that she was shouting at everyone, and you could hear the screams from down the corridor"

"well its called labour for a reason. It hurts like hell, trust me."

"I was thinking…" Rachel looks as if she is gearing up to ask a question but we are interrupted by the server.

"and what can I get you fine ladies today?" he asks.

"I'll have the Spaghetti please" Rachel orders.

" Excellent, and for your sister?" he turns to me.

"Ha Ha" I dead pan, the "Old ones are the good ones, lunch and stand up comedy...I'll have the Chicken Salad"

"Sorry ma'am" he interrupts, " You look so much alike I thought you were related."

"We are related" Rachel pipes up almost involuntarily, but doesn't elaborate further, leaving the confused waiter to turn back to me.

"I'm" and my voice catches in the back of my throat, "I'm her mother" I say, and I feel rather giddy. it's the first time I have ever introduced myself that way to anyone.

The server, unaware of what a monumental occasion this is, simply smiles, and says " ah I see, I didn't think you looked old enough to have a teenage daughter." he winks and strolls off to place our orders, no doubt thinking I was some teenage tramp back in the day.

I turn back to Rachel who is grinning.

"well I've never told a waiter that before." I say. "What were you going to say before he interrupted us?"

Rachel's face becomes serious. " I had a question"

"Yes?"

"It's just what with Quinn and all the baby drama, I just wanted to ask.."

"Go on"

"What was it like? What happened when you gave birth to me?"

My daughter ladies and gentlemen, straight in for the kill. No easy questions, like what was my favourite colour, do I have brothers and sisters, where did I go to school? No No, out of the starting blocks and into having me reveal one of most precious and also painful memories right in the middle of Breadstix. I just hope they have enough serviettes.

I take a deep breath, have a sip of water, and begin.

"Well, your fathers had volunteered to pay for me to stay in a swish hotel room for 4 weeks after you were born, so I could recuperate in nice surroundings. Only you were over due, so instead of cancelling the reservations, I checked in there before you were born.

Even in-utero you were exhibiting signs of a true diva, keeping us all waiting in suspense, anticipating your big entrance. You were 2 weeks late, and I was huge. You were really active in those last 2 weeks, you were moving almost constantly, and I couldn't sleep.

Finally, one afternoon I was simply that tired, I feel asleep. I had a nice nap, and when I woke up I felt odd. I looked down and saw that the bed sheets were wet, and I was horrified that I had wet the bed. Which is when the pain started, and I realised that it was my waters that had broken.

I called James, and he and Leroy came and collected me and took me to the hospital. The pain was so intense, I didn't think I could bare it. Your dads stayed with me for the most part, but then I asked for some privacy when it was time to push and the nitty gritty stuff starts.

They left the room and it was just me and the midwife. I can't remember how long it took, my senses were numb due to the pain, but then all of a sudden they were lifting you up and you were crying, and I was crying.

I reached out my arms to hold you, I vaguely remember a counselling session when it was decided that it would be best if I didn't hold you, but right then I didn't care. I felt like I had won a race and I wanted my prize.

They cleaned you up, and the nurse turned round with you in her arms and I asked to hold you. She must have known, because she shook her head and said that you were to be taken straight to your dads. Her eyes looked sympathetic, but I could tell that she was judging me, because of what I had chosen to do.

They carried you out, and I don't know whether it was the drugs wearing off, or the realisation that I would never see you again, but the pain just hit me then and there. I remember them cleaning me up, and putting me to bed in a private room, and sedating me to try and get me to sleep.

I woke up at about 1 am. There was a glass of water by my bedside, and a note, written on hospital stationary saying that James and Leroy had gone home to rest and would be back first thing in the morning, and that one of them would drive me back to the hotel as soon as I was fit to be released.

I knew then, that this would be my only chance to see you. I got out of bed and made my way to the nursery. I spotted you through the glass, you had kicked your little blanket off. I went inside and walked over to you, you woke up just as I got near.

The nurse on duty came rushing up and I thought she was going to call security or something, but she noticed I had a maternity ward wrist band on.

" I had to see her" I told her, pointing at you. She checked my wrist against the name on your cot, it said "Baby Corcoran" so she knew I wasn't after abducting some unknown infant.

"Ma'am" she said " we usually look after and feed them during the first night, to give you chance to build your strength up."

"Please" I said, looking desperate. "Let me hold her."

"Alright" she smiles, " Why don't you go sit in the chair over there. I'll bring her over"

I do as I'm told, and in the next instant she's placed you in my arms. In that moment I was so happy, I had never felt anything like it before. You began whimpering, and the nurse asked me whether I was breast feeding or not. I didn't know what to say so I just nodded, yes.

The nurse said "well in that case, I'll just leave you in peace, if you have any problems, just wave"

So she went back to her desk, and I looked down at you and realised that just for that moment, only at that point in time, you were completely dependent on me, this was the one and only thing I could do for you that your fathers couldn't. So I lifted you closer and ….and I nursed you and rocked you in my arms.

And then all too quickly it was over. You had fallen back to sleep in my arms, and another nurse came in and saw me. I could tell by the expression on her face that she knew who I was and what the deal was.

She went over and spoke to the other nurse, and they both came over. The kind nurse took you from me and put you back in your cot. The new nurse began gently ushering me out, reminding me that I knew what the arrangement was, but she wouldn't tell your fathers if I promised not to do it again.

They put me back to bed, but I couldn't sleep. That afternoon Leroy drove me back to the hotel. I signed the last of the papers with a hand shaking so badly I could barely write.

As he left, to collect you and James, he said ' we can never thank you enough.' The door closed behind him. I didn't leave the room for 2 weeks. It was best that way, in case I did something I regretted. 15 days later I was on a train on my way to New York… and that is another story."

I look up, having torn my serviette into confetti, to find tears pouring down Rachel's face, her mouth open wide in shock.

"Hey" I say, " Don't cry. It was one of the happiest days of my life."

"and the w w w w orst" she sniffs.

"Yes and the worst" I agree, " but it can't be changed. I'm sorry, perhaps I shouldn't have told you all of it."

"no, I wanted to know" she insists, dabbing at her eyes. "there is so much more I need to know."

"I know, but, can I ask, for the sake of my mental well being, that I only recount one story at a time?"

"Of course" she smiles, and I dab at my eyes, to find most of my mascara has come off on the tissue too.

When the server appears with our food 5 minutes later he finds us both red faced with panda eyes. I don't suppose it is everyday someone has an emotional Catharsis at Breadstix.

That's Rachel and I, we both like to put on a show.

TBC