Author's Notes: I am in awe that this story has already hit 1K. Thank you so much everyone. I know I don't reply as much as I should, but I do my best. I go back to school on Monday, so I'm hoping to have another chapter done by then. I'm feeling a little under the weather, so we'll see how that goes, but really, thank you so much. Hugs and kisses to everyone who's stuck through with me this far. I love you all!

As always, massive thanks to Erica for being the fastest beta in the FanFiction world. You can thank her for this getting done so quickly. Go chat with her on the ALLTB thread since I'll be MIA from it for a bit. She knows quite a bit about this story, so I'm sure if you ask nicely, she'll let you know some details. Hehe. Just remember, Beforeward is hers. I put a specialized tattoo on him just for her. Love you, Twinkie! MWAH.

But, to those of you who nag and nag and NAG about how much you dislike Jasper, Alice, Bella and even Edward, or their actions, or whatever, STOP. I get it. And I'm freaking tired of it. If you review just to tell me how much of an ass Jasper seems to be, or how Alice is such a bitch, save it. I seriously don't need any more negativity than I've already received. I don't write this story for the reviews, so if the review count drops massively after this, I could care less. Stop telling me my characters and the way I've set this story up is stupid. Stop sending such bad vibes my way because it really frickin' puts me down. I don't want to be rude, but really? Stop with the "Wow, they're such assholes. What kind of best friends are they?" blah blah junk. Real people make mistakes. Real people forgive. Real people get hurt. If someone you had been friends with for that long made a mistake like that, would you just drop them? Just completely throw all those years of good times and memories away because they fucked up? If you would, question whether or not they were really that good of a friend in the first place. I'm fed up with the hating, everyone. Seriously. I can only take so much.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight, I own the plot of ALLTB.

A Little Less Than Before

Chapter Eleven;

Leave Out All The Rest

"I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through. I've never been perfect - neither have you."

Edward Cullen

My heart was thudding painfully in my chest.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Could I handle this?

Fuck.

The voice I fought to forget for years. The part of my past I had finally managed to let go of. The sole reason why I fled to Chicago like a fucking coward because I couldn't stand to look her in the eye after... that. The only woman who...

God damn it all to hell and back.

I raked my fingernails through my hair to try and calm down. How she had gotten me to agree to meet her for lunch, I'll never know. I was fidgeting like hell and eyed every person who came through the door as if they were going to shoot me with a gun at any second.

I was more paranoid than I'd been in years, and I didn't even know why.

Actually, I knew why.

My eyes went to the door once again and everything around me stopped. She walked in, tucked her hair behind her ear, and I almost walked out right then and there. But instead, I stayed where I was, feeling as if I were glued securely to the chair I'd been sitting on and watched as she smiled at me while running over to my table.

I damned myself silently for agreeing to see her like the idiot I am.

"Edward!" She threw her arms around my neck without even giving me a chance to get up first. "I can't believe it's really you. You're actually here!"

I politely pushed her aside and pulled out her seat like any gentleman would. Countless thoughts of what used to be and times of the past flooded my head as I scanned through the menu. I needed something light and simple. My stomach wouldn't be able to handle a steak or anything of the sort today.

A waiter came over and took our drink orders. I wanted something strong, something that would dilute all the crap running through my head, but because I knew better than to drive while under the influence, I went with water. She ordered iced tea with a lemon on the side.

There was an awkward silence between us before she spoke up. "You look great, Edward. Chicago did wonders for you."

I merely nodded and fidgeted with the napkin, already anticipating the minute this would all be over. I could feel Tanya's cerulean blue eyes watching my every move as I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. It was a stupid idea to meet her when I obviously wasn't ready for the conversation I'd put off for years.

Before I even understood what was going on, she grabbed my wrist and pushed the sleeve up, running her thumb smoothly across the mark of my past. "You still have it."

I jerked my wrist away and sighed heavily. "Yeah."

"Did you tell all those women in Chicago what it meant?"

For the first time since she'd sat down, I made eye contact with her. "It means temptation."

"It meant Tanya at one point, did it not?"

I clenched the napkin in my fist and watched as the waiter placed our drinks down. We both ordered our food, and he was gone just as quick as he came. I don't even know what I ordered, and I honestly didn't care. All I wanted was to leave. So fucking foolish it was of me to ever think I was ready for this conversation with her.

"Edward, why did you leave to Chicago without telling me?"

I took a sip of water. "I got accepted into Northwestern."

Her brows furrowed. "Yeah, so? You also got accepted into every other school that you applied for, including the University of Washington and UC Berkley. Both of which are a lot closer to home than Chicago is."

"Well, I'm back now. So what does it matter?"

Tanya shook her head. "You were gone, Edward. For years. You left with no way for me to contact you. Do you know how many times I went asking Carlisle and Esme to tell me where you were? It was months before they even told me you were attending Northwestern."

"My parents love me and respected the fact that I went to Chicago for change. How could that have happened if you were trailing two feet behind me the whole time?"

"I wouldn't have followed you," she sighed. "I just wanted to apologize. To tell you how incredibly sorry I was that things ended the way they did between us."

Before I could contain my anger and word vomit, they spewed out. "Apologize? Tell me how in the hell an apology could ever suffice for what you did to me."

"It was years ago, Edward. Have you still not let it go?" Tanya asked quietly, piercing me with her eyes I'd fought so long to remove from my memory. "Did you think running away would fix everything? That being with countless women in Chicago would erase the past you and I shared together?"

Eager to maintain my composure in public, I pinched the bridge of my nose and exhaled quietly. "Chicago helped me out like you'd never understand, Tanya."

"Really?" Her tone was angry. "Are you sure about that? Because all I see in front of me is the Edward who used Chicago as an excuse to flee. You can't even be civil with me after years without communication because you're still harboring hatred towards what happened. When, honestly, will you let it go?"

"You fucking cheated on me, Tanya!" The words came out before I could hold my tongue and fight them back. "It was our anniversary. Five years, remember? We were fucking engaged, for Christ's sake! You expect me to forget that? To forget walking in on you and him on our anniversary of all days?!"

She let out a long breath and smoothed back her hair as I gritted my teeth and did my best to push every single haunting memory out of my head.

*****

"Dude! You're really serious about this, aren't you?"

I turned to the man beside me with a goofy-ass grin because hell yeah I was serious about this. "Five years is a lot, James. I mean, I don't plan to marry her anytime soon because we both have to focus on school first. But, why not just make that commitment that someday we will since we both know it'll happen eventually, right?"

James, Tanya, and I had all been best friends since before I could remember. Our parents being good friends was probably the reason why. Emmett hung out with us a lot over the years as well, but because he was a year older, he had already left for college, and Alice was busy with her own set of friends. I didn't mind though. The three of us just meshed well together, you could say.

James patted me on the back and grabbed me into a headlock. "Thatta boy! I better be your best man. I mean, I love Emmett and all, but don't put me up against him. I'll lose."

"Don't get excited, hot stuff. The wedding won't be until after we graduate college."

He laughed at that as we walked down the crowded, Seattle streets, already envisioning what our lives would be like in the fall. Parties and booze galore. A home away from home without the parentals breathing down our necks. Oh hell yes.

I proposed to Tanya before our five-year anniversary because I was too fucking excited and couldn't contain it anymore. She, of course, said yes and agreed it was best to hold off on the wedding until we finished school. It was crazy to imagine that not only was she my middle school sweetheart, but she'd also be my high school and college sweetheart as well. If we got married then, we will have been together for almost ten years.

Holy crap.

I flinched slightly as the needle drove into my skin, but I endured it and kept my mouth shut because I was a man. Men don't scream while getting tattoos. I looked down and watched as the artist filled in the "T", relieved to know that he was nearly finished. Mom and Dad were definitely going to rip me a new one after finding out, but I didn't care. Yeah, Tanya and I were engaged, but I still wanted to prove how very devoted to her I was ready to be.

My one and only. Always and forever.

I took good care of my skin and made sure it was pretty much healed by the time our anniversary had come up. The last thing I wanted was for Tanya to look at a flaking, peeling tattoo while not even being able to tell what it actually was. But because I followed the man's instructions well, the tattoo was smooth, healed, and ready to be shown to the world.

And I fucking flaunted that "T" because I had never been more proud of anything before.

I showed up to her house with ironed clothes and my hair as tamed as I could possibly get it. I didn't have an extravagant gift for our half-decade of being together, but I had something much more important I was going to willingly hand over to her for as long as she decided to keep it.

My heart.

It wasn't an expensive diamond, or a turquoise box from Tiffany's, but it was the biggest gift I could ever think of giving. I pep talked myself in the visor mirror, knowing our first big step into the real world was right around the corner. We'd graduate high school together and would be diving into the college life in a few months. We both knew today was the day we'd talk schools and where we were thinking of attending.

With a deep breath, I grabbed the bouquet of her favorite white and pink roses and used my spare key to open her front door. Her parents didn't care at all whenever I just waltzed in. In fact, they encouraged it and were the ones who actually made me the spare. They trusted her and I to be responsible, so it didn't surprise me when they allowed me to come over even when they were out of town or away at work. I made sure to keep my footsteps quiet. My eyebrows raised when I heard faint sounds resembling... moans?

I chuckled to myself quietly and wondered if I was going to walk in on her watching something obscene on her television. Either that or I'd walk in on the act itself, and if that were to happen, I'd have to move our reservations an hour or two later.

Once I got to her door, I knocked quietly and smiled at the "T" clearly visible on the skin of my wrist. I hoped she wouldn't kick my ass too hard. When she didn't come to the door, I figured I was going to get a little show and fought the smirk dying to grace my features. I turned the knob and pushed, stopping dead in my tracks.

Tanya's back was to me with her strawberry blonde curls bouncing and flowing behind her as her hips rocked back and forth. It would have been the sexiest thing ever... had she not been fucking somebody else who wasn't me.

"Oh my god, Edward!" Tanya cried, immediately covering herself with the abandoned sheet at her feet.

Her rolling off to the side exposed the face of the man she had just been straddling, and I swear every single part of my body fell into a black hole.

James and Tanya.

My best friend. My girlfriend - hell, my fucking fiancée.

"Holy shit, dude," James croaked, "I can explain."

No.

No.

No!

I didn't want to hear any part of whatever it was they wanted to explain. What the fuck? What the fuck?! I dropped the flowers and sprinted as fast as I could down the stairs. I respected Mr. and Mrs. Denali as if they were my own parents, so as I threw open the door and smashed a dent into the wall because of the force I'd used, I sincerely felt bad.

But, getting out of there was the only thing in my head.

In blind-sighted anger, fury, and unbearable pain, I fumbled with my keys to the brand spanking new Volvo my parents had gotten for me as an early graduation gift. My stomach was in knots, and I knew if I didn't hurry the fuck up, Tanya and James would have me cornered to explain what had happened.

My best friend was fucking my girlfriend of five goddamned years. It doesn't get any simpler than that.

I finally managed to get into the car and sped away as fast as my precious car allowed. Someone up there was on my side because regardless of all the cutting off I did, the red lights I ran, and the signs I didn't stop at, I made it back home safely and in one piece. My stomach was still in knots when I climbed out, and because I couldn't hold it back anymore, I retched onto Esme's beloved lawn and dug my nails into the stupid fucking "T" I never should have gotten in the first place.

My cell phone rang and vibrated in my pocket and out of fury, I hurled it at the mailbox with all the strength I possessed. The ringing stopped after that.

I picked myself up and stumbled into the house, thanking all that was holy that Carlisle and Esme weren't going to be back from work for a while. Before I could stop myself, I slammed my fist into the picture hanging on the wall of Tanya, James, and I at our middle school graduation. And because it felt really good just to fucking hit something, I punched into the spot on the wall where the picture was and watched as the plaster cracked beneath my knuckles.

"Edward, is that you?" a voice screeched from the top of the stairs. It was my younger sister, Alice. She stared at me, horrified, her eyes darting back and forth between the wall and my bloody fist. "What the hell? Oh my god."

Alice tried to stop me as I continued to knock everything down and curse random things I'm sure she couldn't decipher. I was so pissed, and my adrenaline was pumping like it never had before.

"Edward, stop!"

"Would you just leave me alone, Alice?!" I snarled as I turned to her, immediately shocked that tears were rolling down her cheeks with her hand over her mouth. She was holding a phone out, shaking and sobbing without saying a word.

I grabbed it from her, expecting to hear Tanya or James or whoever was going to apologize first. "What?"

"Dude," my eyes widened at the voice. "Edward, what happened? Ali called me crying."

Emmett. My big, dumbass brother who I hated to admit I missed like hell after he left for college. He wasn't only my older brother, but also a very good friend. Our relationship was complicated at times, but we still loved each other because we both knew we were always going to be brothers. There was no way around it. I clutched the cordless phone closer to my ear and sighed painfully. "Em, I never ask you anything, but I need to ask you to do something right now."

"Holy shit," Emmett murmured, probably flabbergasted at how broken I must have sounded. "You sound like shit. Alright, alright - anything. What do you need?"

"Get your bulky ass back to Seattle. I need you to beat the shit out of me and ask why in the hell I ever decided to fall in love."

It was silent for a moment before he spoke again, "I'll be there as soon as I can."

I hung up and turned to Alice, biting down on my lip to maintain my emotions in front of my sister. With another sigh, I held up my wrist and showed her the permanent ink. "What the fuck was I thinking?" I shook my head, swallowing hard. "Tanya. And James. I walked in on them having... Fuck, Alice, do you know what today is? How could she... he..."

"Oh, Edward," Alice sobbed, throwing her tiny, pixie self at me. She wrapped her arms tight around my waist, whispering something I couldn't even understand.

And because all the anger had finally subsided, I was only left with one emotion.

I collapsed to the floor still wrapped in Alice's arms and groaned and cried for the first time since I was six years old because, fuck.

I cried.

Because it hurt that bad.

Whoever came up with the word heartbreak didn't know what they were talking about.

It was so much worse.

*****

"I said I was sorry," Tanya sighed, pulling me out of my long remembrance of what had happened years ago. "I tried telling you that before, but you ran. You ran, and I couldn't chase you even if I had the chance."

"Would you have?" I asked, trying to forget the memories of everything flashing before my very eyes.

"What, chased after you? Is that what you wanted?" she asked. "If you wouldn't even answer my calls, I doubt you would've talked to me if I'd tried to."

"What did we really come here for, Tanya?" I growled, clenching the napkin tightly. "Did you come here to remind me of our past, or did you come here to apologize?"

"To apologize, Edward! I didn't mean for it to happen that way. I felt guilty for so long after you left. James did, too. Hell, we still do! I know what the both of us did was wrong, but it had never happened before that day. I swear. I was devoted to you the entire duration of our relationship."

"Except for that one day. Our five-fucking-year anniversary, Tanya! Why would you ever do something like that?!"

"Because I was scared, Edward!" she admitted, throwing her napkin down onto the table. "I was terrified! You and I graduating? Getting engaged? It all happened so fast. There was no doubt in my mind that I would have loved to marry you, but the thought of it scared me shitless. Can you blame me? We were so young. We were barely heading into college, and already I was tying myself down."

"Well, my mistake for proposing then!" I retorted, doing my best to ignore the tears bubbling up in her eyes. I knew I was making things worse by overreacting, but I couldn't help it. Without another word, I took three twenties and threw them onto the table. It should have been more than enough for our drinks, the food I wouldn't get to try, and the tip. Tanya called out after me, but I shrugged my coat on and left the restaurant.

I thought I'd be able to handle seeing her. I thought, somehow, the pain had lessened to the point of numbness where I could finally talk to her face to face.

But right when I looked into her eyes, the first thing I remembered was seeing her straddling James. It was an image burned permanently into my memory. No matter how hard I tried to forget it, it always came back to haunt me.

The drive back to my parents' place was nerve wracking. I wanted so bad for Mom to hand me some homemade, chocolate chip cookies and tell me that everything would be alright. Once I parked in the driveway, I threw the emergency brake up and entered the house as quick as I could. I walked into the living room and saw Esme sitting on the couch, watching the Home Shopping Network with a soft grin on her face. She took one look at me and her mouth dropped open before I could even say a word.

"Goodness, honey, is everything alright?" she asked, pulling me down to sit. "What's the matter?"

And so I spilled everything to her. Both her and Dad already knew the reasoning behind me moving to Chicago, and they even knew about all the women I was involved with. Of course, they didn't know every detail, but they knew the gist of it.

I told her about Bella, about my lunch with Tanya, and everything else the word vomit made me spill to her. One thing I missed more than anything when I left to Chicago was my family. I loved Carlisle and Esme and Alice and Emmett even though we all drove each other crazy sometimes.

Esme stayed quiet the whole time and sometime during my venting session, she pulled my head into her lap and smoothed my messy hair back. The way she always used to do for me when I was younger.

I threw my arm over my face and groaned quietly. "What am I gonna do?"

"I'll tell you what you're not going to do, Edward Anthony Cullen," she hissed. "You're not going to run away from your problems again. Do you know how hard it was for me to watch you pack up and leave, knowing I couldn't do anything to stop you?"

I slowly inched my arm off my face and looked up into my mother's caring, brown eyes, immediately feeling guilty for leaving the way I had years ago. "Mom-"

"Don't apologize. Everything happens for a reason, does it not? Look at the man you've grown into, honey. You're smart, successful, and you can't keep the women off you. I suppose your departure helped immensely, but now that you've returned, I'm not going to let you run off again without a fight." She smoothed my hair back. "Heartbreak is not easy, Edward. I know that. It was hard enough for your father and I to see you so broken, so I can't imagine what you must have been going through. It was part of the reason why we didn't argue when you wanted to leave. I cried silent tears for you every night, hoping you'd return sooner or later after you healed."

Another wave of guilt washed over me as I sighed and pushed myself out of her lap. "I never did say thank you to you or Dad for being so understanding of that."

"You're welcome, sweetheart. We're your parents and just wanted what was best for you," Esme cooed, patting my shoulder gently. "Now, tell me. What's going to happen between you and Tanya?"

I sighed. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm over it. The feelings I once had for her are completely gone. I could never go back to what we used to be with that image engraved into my memory."

"Then, why is it that you walked out on her while she tried to apologize, if you're over it all?"

My mouth opened to answer, but I couldn't pinpoint the words to say. Why had I been such a prick and not even let her say what she needed to say? Yes, it was a bitch move on Tanya's part, but it was years ago, and she seemed honestly sorry for everything that had happened.

"And, how does Bella tie into everything exactly? Do you like her?"

"No," I immediately answered, ignoring her raised brow. "It... It's complicated. She's got her eye on someone else. Kind of like a one-sided thing. But, I don't think I should-"

"You know, Edward," she started, "I'm your mother. And I may be getting old, but I'm not dumb enough to not have noticed that thing your eyes did when you first saw her." She held her hand up before I could interfere. "Now, I'm not saying you're head over heels for her or anything rash like that, but what I am saying is that if you want something enough, you should fight for it. Bella's eyes did the exact same thing. So what if it's complicated? Work your way through it. It'd be nice to see you happy again, and you know, for you to have an actual girlfriend instead of a fling."

My shoulders suddenly felt so much lighter after listening to her advice and her words of comfort, and the only thing I could think of to do was wrap my arms around her and hug her like I'd wanted to do for years. "Thanks. I love you, Mom."

"I love you too, Edward. With all my heart. I just want you to be happy. Now, give your mother a kiss for listening to you."

I chuckled and kissed her cheek before she shooed me away to get back to her television shopping.

"You know, you are completely ruining the purpose of pizza," I chuckled and watched as Bella peeled off a chunk of cheese from her slice.

She glared at me and laughed with a shake of her head. "If I want to pick off parts of the cheese, shut up and let me."

After the talk with my mother, I decided to try and talk to Bella at her place. To see what exactly her and I were because I didn't want to get anything wrong. Were we friends? Were we friends who had mutual attraction towards each other? I didn't know but I was dying to understand it all.

Not to mention the freaking fantastic kiss from a few nights ago.

She was surprised to see me and had actually just taken one of those bake-at-home pizzas out of her oven when I was at the door. I loved my timing.

"So," Bella started after licking the sauce off her fingers, "what's your favorite color?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

She shrugged. "I've never asked you before."

"Hmm," I mused. "Blue. I'm fond of blue."

"Me too." She smiled and nibbled at her crust. "What did you major in?"

"Business. You?"

"English Literature."

"Let me guess, are you a librarian?"

"Nope. An administrative assistant at Valente Inc."

I nearly spat out my food. Emmett did not tell me that. "Wait, wait. The company Emmett works for?"

"Yup," she replied, popping the "p". "Though, I don't see him at all since our shifts are different."

"I start next week."

She smiled at me and ate the rest of her crust. "I know."

I chuckled in response and smiled inwardly. I now had another reason to show up to work. If I'd get a chance to see Bella in some secretary get-up with glasses and a pencil skirt or something, I'd gladly go to work every single day. "Hey, Bella?"

"Hm?"

"What... What are we, exactly?"

She raised a brow at me. "Excuse me?"

"I meant-"

Suddenly, a knock came at the door.

"Shit," I cursed, remembering Alice mentioned she was going to come by to pick up the save-the-dates. Fucking moment-ruiner. "I'm so sorry, Bella. I forgot to tell you Alice would be swinging by."

"It's fine, Edward," she laughed. "I'll go get them right now. Could you let her in?"

I nodded and opened the door, slightly surprised to see Jasper as well. Of course, he looked pretty surprised to see me, too. "Bella's getting them right now, Alice."

"Thanks so much again, Edward. I told you I could have done it on my own, you know," Alice giggled, giving me a quick hug.

Just then, Bella came from her room and waved the stack at my sister. "They're all ready to be sent out."

"Thank you, Bella. I appreciate it so much."

She gave her a small smile, and I knew Bella hadn't forgiven Alice completely just yet. The look in Alice's eyes showed me she was well aware of that fact.

I'm sure Alice knew she had a long way to go before she and Bella could go back to being what they once were, but it was good to know she wasn't pushing it.

"Well, we don't want to keep you. Thank you again," Alice waved and kissed me on the cheek.

Jasper turned to Bella, but she turned away and didn't even say goodbye. Good. He deserved that. With a sigh, he turned to me and shoved his hands into his pockets. "I guess we'll be going then. Oh, and Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"How was seeing Tanya again after all this time?"

I felt like I had just gotten kicked in the gut as Alice stared at him horrifically.

"Who's Tanya?" Bella asked, genuinely confused as to what we were talking about.

"He's never told you about Tanya, Jezebels?" Jasper questioned, raising a brow.

She shook her head and raised a brow as well. "Enlighten me."

"Tanya was Edward's fiancée before he moved to Chicago. I could have sworn he told you."

The whole room went silent as Bella looked over at me, a questioning look still slapped on her face. Fuckfuckfuck.

"Have you seen his tattoo, by the way? The T?"

Holy. Crap.

No way.

No fucking way did he just say that.

For once, Alice looked like she wanted to rip Jasper's head off, and I would step aside gladly if she chose to do so. Damn prick!

Bella let out a small sigh and walked over to me, keeping silent about what Jasper had just purposely blurted out to screw me over. Without a word, she gently grabbed my wrist and pushed the fabric of my sleeve up, thumbing the permanent "T" etched onto my skin.

"T for Temptation," she mused. "More like, T for... Tanya, right?"

I sighed and because there was no use in denying it, I nodded slowly. "At one point, yes."

She shook her head and dropped my wrist from her grasp.

And I felt like the biggest dick because Bella wasn't jealous of what Tanya was to me, she was upset with me because, like the closest people in her life had already done, I lied to her.

She trusted me to be different. To be the friend she needed in the midst of all this fucking chaos going on around her. To give her the one thing she ever asked of anyone - honesty.

And damn it all, I fucked up.

End of Chapter Eleven

Author's Notes: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you hate Jasper and all that. No one believes me anymore when I say that he'll redeem himself, so fine, go ahead and hate on him. Like I said, I'm just so fed up with the negativity everyone sends my way. I don't mind you guys disliking him and his actions, but please don't send me a long review simply JUST to back up why you hate him so much. I already know. I'm not fond of him either and this is my own story, so that's saying something. How about some positive feedback for once? Sigh.

Anyway, so many of you were nice enough to tell me where you've had your first kiss. A lot of them made me smile and most others made me laugh. Thanks so much for cheering me up! My first kiss was at a basketball court. It was after lunch, and my then boyfriend just grabbed me and laid one on me. I wanted to punch him in the mouth for being so forceful because I was one of those girls that wanted a cliche first kiss. Hehe.

Next question:
Could you handle a sit-down lunch with your ex?

Love,
BB