Author's Notes: See now, didn't I tell you I wouldn't make you wait too long for this update? *Huge grin* Many, many thanks for the reviews and the constant love you all still have for ALLTB and I, even though I make your guys' hearts hurt at times. Now, I know many of you think Bella is a douche and that Jasper is an even bigger douche, but at least we all agree that Edward is pure win, right?! So how's about a full chapter in his POV, yes? :)

Please keep in mind that this is an M rated fic and that our lovely Beforeward has a potty mouth at times. And that he was once a (sorta, kinda ish) playboy so sexin' will be mentioned at times... and maybe more so in the future. (Just saying.)

Much love to Icelandgirl812 for beta-ing this sucker in less than twenty-four hours like the damn awesome hot cake she is! I lurrrve you, Erica! And I know you love me too regardless of the horrid tease I am... what with mentioning an RPattz moan and such. Teehee. ;)

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or these characters. I own the plot and that is all. Mmm, but I must say, Taylor Lautner's wet, defined abs most certainly pwned me. Who else saw New Moon and practically died during that scene? My bff actually had to fan my face while I melted to goo on his shoulder. Yes, I said "his". He's a dude that enjoys the Twilight saga and in the words of Beforeward, I'd have to say my bff is pretty fuckawesome :)

A Little Less Than Before

Chapter Fifteen

Hands Down

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So won't you kill me so I die happy? My heart is yours to fill or burst, to break or bury, or wear as jewelry—whichever you prefer."

Edward Cullen

I stared at the back of Bella's head as she hugged my sister and allowed her false words to soak into the pit of my stomach where they sat like a ton of bricks within me. Alice continued to jabber on and on about her trip to San Francisco, but it all sounded like garbled nonsense since the only thing I was able to register through my brain was the fact that Bella had lied about what her and I were.

All to piss off Jasper, I'm sure.

I wanted to throw shit too now, simply because she had just given me a fantastic weekend filled with kisses and fucking hope, only to rip it away the second her honky-tonk best friend came back into town. I was so annoyed at everything that had just happened that I didn't even notice Alice and Jasper leaving. Bella was holding a neatly wrapped box but tossed it to the side as soon as her and I made eye contact.

"Edward, about that," she paused. "I'm sorry. I wasn't even thinking!"

My brow furrowed as I stared down at my mother's favorite throw pillows. There was no way I was going to be able to stay mad at her if she gave me puppy eyes. I was a sucker for damned puppy eyes. "It's just... I don't get it? Why? Right after you made it very clear that I am not your boyfriend, you go and say that I am?"

"I wasn't thinking," she repeated. With a shake of her head, she uncurled her legs from underneath her and reached over to stroke the skin of my forearm. "You're angry, aren't you?"

Of course I was angry. Her mind games were on fucking point. She knew what to do to keep me interested, and she knew what to say to keep me hanging on. I was an idiot for allowing myself to feel the emotions I was feeling for her. Stupid for believing for a second that things with her would be different than how they were with the women back in Chicago.

"I'm sorry." She moved over and looked straight into my eyes, flushed and all shy-like as she spoke, "But, before I forget, thank you so much for this weekend, Edward. I don't know if I told you at any point how you've helped, but you made it so easy for me to forget about their trip to San Francisco. It was exactly what I needed."

I chose not to acknowledge her thanks and instead just went straight to the point. "So, what does this whole thing mean then? Are you going to tell them it was a slip-up and that we're not actually an official couple?"

Bella chewed on her bottom lip again, a habit I was starting to think derived from nervousness, and averted her eyes to the throw pillows beneath us. "As much as I'd like to correct myself, I don't think... I can. Alice will be heartbroken, and Jasper will just throw a fit if he thinks you hurt me."

Not to mention the fact that Jasper would probably assume Bella and I had had sex, and that I was done because I'd finally gotten my "five minutes," which was definitely not the case at all. And I already cringed at the thought of the bitch version of Alice that'd verbally and physically kick my ass if any word of a break-up came up.

"But if you'd prefer me to tell them it's not like that—"

"No," I interrupted, "you're right. They'd both be on our asses about it. Even if you said it was a mistake or simply a slip-up, I'm pretty sure they'd be wondering what would cause you to say it in the first place. So, what's done is done. Let's just think of how exactly we can work this out so it goes in our favor instead."

"We can... I don't know, pretend, maybe?" she suggested. "We've already been out plenty of times. It doesn't even have to be all the time if you don't want it to be. I just want to avoid any kind of conflict this situation could bring either of us."

Fuck.

I raked my fingers through my hair and let out a heavy sigh.

I thought about it. And then thought about it some more.

This was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. She was telling me she wasn't going to tell Alice and Jasper it was a mistake. She was asking me to pretend to be her boyfriend, and I was actually considering going along with it because... hell, I didn't even have a reason.

My confused heart was screaming 'yes!' for the sake of being able to stay close to her, and the rational part of my brain repeated 'no!' over and over because something was telling me I was getting the short end of the deal.

But, before I could get up and walk away like I should have, she leaned over and placed her soft mouth against mine, breathing against my lips with her whispers of an apology for doing what she'd done and for asking what she'd asked. Her fingers wove through my hair and her tongue caressed mine, and just like that, all my walls came crashing down.

I couldn't say no to her even if I tried.

I pulled her close and held her against my body, doing my best to fight off all the negative thoughts floating around in my head. There was a slight possibility she didn't actually do this for Jasper. There was also more than just a slight possibility that she did like me quite a bit. I forced my mentality to take a positivity shot and sighed against her neck when I realized maybe, just maybe this could actually work in my favor.

And if Bella and I were going to pretend to be a couple, I had to make sure I'd do it the right way. Half of me was, to be honest, pretty fucking excited because now I could kiss her and hold her and just be with her.

The other half of me waved flags of warning in my face because as I was beginning to find out, lying didn't bring any kind of good. Lying distorted reality. Basically, lying just plain hurt people. And I was its main target if I didn't make damn sure I was careful.

But, I didn't care because having her little arms snaked around my waist and her pillow-like lips against the crook of my neck was just the shove I needed to say, "fuck careful" and take the risk.

Could Bella be worth the risk?

Hell, if I knew.

But I was willing to give it a shot.

"You know, you didn't have to pull a stunt like that. I would have said yes if you begged me to be your boyfriend," I joked. The part of me that found so much humor in bantering with Bella was back and I decided it was much better that way. It was easier for me, and I was more than sure it'd be easier for her, too.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? Seeing me beg?" She flicked my forehead with a giggle. "Too bad, Cullen. Not in your lifetime."

And just like that, the Bella I was starting to adore so much was back with spitfire and the twinkle in her eyes.

Seeing her the way she had been with me the entire weekend was the only thing holding me to the words I may or may not have regretted saying. So with the lingering thoughts of how this was all going to play out in my mind, I held her close and hoped to whoever was listening that I would not get fucked over a second time.

I dropped Bella back home and hung out with her for a bit after we figured out the way this whole plan was going to work... and after we made out a little on my parents' couch. That part was pretty fuckawesome, if I do say so myself.

It was obvious enough to the both of us that the feelings were there. The spark in our kisses and the electricity in our touch made that clear enough. It was also very obvious that she was not completely over Jasper, with or without her saying a word about it. That was a very dangerous line I refused to play with, so without bringing it up, we agreed that in public, we'd be Edward and Bella—boyfriend and girlfriend. In the comfort of our own homes or within the privacy of just the two of us, we didn't have to be anything more than that. Unless she wanted that.

But, I decided it wasn't going to be up to me.

It was going to have to be her call.

And even though I should have been annoyed, I wasn't. Because not only would these boundaries keep my emotions in check, but part of me believed that the lack of being a "couple" in private might just drive her to want something more, both inside and outside closed doors. We also set a date for the bomb to be dropped on Alice and Jasper—one month before the wedding. It gave Bella and I a good three months to portray the dating thing and would end well before they were to tie the knot to avoid any kind of problem it might cause.

If things worked out the way I was hoping they'd work, Bella and I would attend the wedding not only as the maid of honor and the best man, but as an official couple as well.

And if things ended the way we said they would, I'd walk away with no regrets because Bella, in my own personal opinion, was absolutely worth being around, despite what I might have to go through.

Upon realizing what I'd just admitted, I scrubbed my hands over my face and sighed heavily. Either I really, really needed to get laid, or I liked Bella a hell of a lot. I was assuming it was both.

I looked down and sighed sadly, realizing it had been quite a while since my lower half had gotten any female lovin'. Yep, definitely both.

Once I threw out the thoughts of Bella and my sex life, I pulled back into the driveway of my parents' house. They had left a voicemail saying they'd be back by late evening and Alice had also mentioned wanting all of us to be there when she gave us our presents. Knowing Alice, she'd probably gotten me some kind of expensive cashmere sweater that I'd never end up wearing. But because she was my only sister, and I hadn't gotten to experience stuff like that for a handful of years, I obliged.

They all greeted me once I walked inside and after a kiss to Esme's cheek, a manly hug to both Carlisle and Emmett, and a gentle ruffle to Alice's hair, we all gathered around the couch.

My parents told us about their mini getaway and I couldn't help but smile at the adoration my father's bright blue eyes held as they spoke. They hadn't actually gone very far this year and stayed in Seattle, much to all of our surprise. My father booked the weekend for them both at The Edgewater and reserved the Junior suite, which was the best available in the luxury suite with amazing view of the waterfront.

After almost thirty years, my parents were just as much in love with each other as they had always been. It made me wonder when I was going to be able to settle down with a lover of my own.

Alice eventually pulled out the many bags behind the coffee table and emptied the contents of them out on the floor in front of us.

She bought Carlisle a nice-looking watch she'd found on sale and an "I love my daddy" mug with "SF" painted onto the handle, to which he laughed and hugged her for. Esme's gift was a fuchsia silk scarf and a mug similar to Carlisle's, with "mommy" instead of "daddy". When she finally got to Emmett and I, I mentally thanked whoever it was that had convinced her to get me something I'd actually wear. She gave us each two neckties for work and keychains that said "World's best brother".

After thanking Alice and hearing about her trip over one of Mom's home-cooked meals, we all decided it was about that time to go back to our own apartments and retire for the night. Alice pulled me aside when we got out of the house, raising a brow and clicking her tongue the way she always did whenever she was trying to keep her excitement at bay.

"I leave the state for two days, and I come back to the news of my brother and my best friend dating?" She smiled and clicked her tongue again. "How did you do it? Jazz and I have known her for years, and she's never agreed to going official with anyone!"

I gave her my trademarked grin and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "Thought you would have figured out after all this time that I've got a certain charm women seem to love."

Alice shoved me back and laughed. "Ew, gross. As much as I love you, I really don't care to know the details of you and Bells shacking up together."

"It's not like that with Bella," I said sternly, which was nothing short of the fucking truth. "If I'd wanted to get in bed with her, I would have made it happen by now."

"And I'm glad you haven't," she sighed. "I love Bella. She's my best friend. She has only been with one guy and that was the result of too much alcohol in college. She's... not like any other girl you've been with, Edward."

I sighed and ran my fingers through my always-messy hair. I knew who she was referring to. And damn her for bringing it up after I was finally beginning to get it out of my head for good. "I know, Ali. I know."

She kissed my cheek softly, pressing the button on the remote of her keys that unlocked her Porsche. "If anyone can get rid of Five-minute Edward, it's her. And I'm absolutely thrilled that she's with someone like you now. You two will be good for each other," she tapped her temple and winked, "I already know it."

I gave her a weak smile and drove off in the opposite direction when she was out of sight. Once I got to my apartment, I lunged at my heavenly king-sized bed and stared up at the blankness of the ceiling above me.

She's... not like any other girl you've been with, Edward, Alice's voice echoed in my head as I slowly brought my wrist up into the faint glow of the city lights pouring into my room. The permanent "T" stared back at me, slightly faded from years of going without a touch up. Plenty of times, I'd thought about getting it removed instead of continuously falsifying its meaning. Tanya versus temptation. Either way, the tattoo still defined something about her. The more sensible choice would be to get it removed.

But, I never went through with it.

Why?

I had absolutely no idea.

For the longest time, I kept the "T" as a reminder to myself. I somehow felt as if it was all I had left of her. I ran away and provided no way for her to find me, secretly hoping she'd try hard enough to do just that. But when my parents finally gave in and let Tanya know where I'd been all along, she never made an attempt to see me.

I expected no less; I was not the love of her life anymore. I didn't know who was, but I knew who it wasn't.

Days passed.

Weeks.

Months.

Eventually, years. And I was slowly getting better with the distance and my constant devotion to my studies.

It wasn't until my last year at Northwestern that everything fell apart for me.

All my hard work.

All the damned pain.

I was doing so well...

I was days away from graduating and a fingertip's distance away from the job of my dreams. My mailbox was filled with congratulatory letters from my family, pictures from friends back home, and various other things that always brought my day up.

Until I saw it.

A medium sized white envelope with the names of the two people I hadn't thought of in what felt like centuries. I felt time ticking by ever so slowly as I ripped the seal of the paper, holding in a breath as I reached inside and pulled the card out.

The words blurred together, and I blinked repeatedly to get myself to focus on what the fuck it said. I dropped every other letter I was holding and slammed my back into the wall before sliding down against it, hoping the impact against my body would somehow make the words disappear. Hoping this was all just some sort of a nightmare I'd soon wake up from.

. . . Mr. and Mrs. Peter and Charlotte Denali . . .

. . . request the honor of your presence at the marriage . . .

. . . Tanya Denali and James Valente . . .

I let out a ragged breath and gripped the edges of the delicate card roughly. "Shit," I cursed, feeling my fingers quake with the anxiety tugging at the inside of my stomach. I pulled the card closer to eye level so I could make sure I'd read it correctly, and a photo fluttered to the floor beside me.

My world, again, crashed down on me, and the black hole I'd worked so hard to rid myself of was back with a vengeance.

It was real. So obnoxiously real and in my face and just right fucking there. James and Tanya, with an engagement ring on her pretty little finger where mine once was. I turned it over and felt my heart clench at the note written on the back of the photo in Tanya's elegant script.

Edward,

We miss how it used to be and you being in our lives. It'd mean the world if you could come. There's a place at the altar for you, if you choose to stand as the best man.

With all our love,
James and Tanya

Without even thinking, I ripped that stupid photo in half. Along with the envelope, the invitation, and the RSVP. I tore it to shreds and dumped it into the trashcan in my dormitory hallway. How fucking dare they?! A frustrated grunt escaped through my mouth as I shoved my fist into the wall beside the stairwell. James was marrying the woman I was supposed to have been marrying. I had just torn up the invitation that I was supposed to have been sending out with her.

Years of constant struggle to push them out of my thoughts all fell to pieces when I realized I was still entirely bitter at the both of them. How was I supposed to be happy that they were living the life I was supposed to be living? That he had now had literally everything I'd ever wanted?

Once I got back to my room, I didn't even bother to pull out the alcohol or call my roommate up so I could vent about what had just happened. Instead, I simply turned my laptop on and Googled the closest place in my area that did tattoos.

Because I needed another reminder. The "T" let me know how foolish it was of me to surrender my heart, and I wanted something else that could forever remind me to never go down that path again.

Love played vicious games with my heart and mind and I wanted to remember that for as long as I possibly could.

The tattoo shop was a small one with hardly any people inside. There was a woman behind the counter by the name of Vivian, popping her bubble gum and flipping through a magazine as I approached her. She stared at me, probably thinking I was in the wrong place. From her perspective, of course it'd look that way. I was a clean-cut guy with no piercings and only a tiny little letter on my wrist that could hardly be called a tattoo. Of course she'd be wondering what in the hell a guy like me was doing in a place like that.

I told her I didn't know what I wanted, and she led me to a chair where she asked me why I even came in the first place.

And even though I didn't know who she was or anything about her, I spilled everything to her. The five year relationship, being cheated on, moving away, and finding out that Tanya was to be wedded to the same guy she cheated on me with years ago... who also happened to be my best friend at the time.

I emphasized the phrase "at the time". There was no way I was willing to still call him or her my best friend after everything that had and hadn't been done.

Vivian looked at me the same way everyone else did—with sympathy. I was so sick of people feeling sorry for me. So sick of people looking at me as if I needed their damn pity. But before I could tell her to cut it the hell out, she instructed me to lie back in the chair, and pulled my shirt up high enough so that the lower half of my torso was exposed. She cleaned me down and began sketching out a stencil, refusing to let me see what it was until it was entirely finished.

Once it was done, she asked me to lower my pants just an inch or two. The stencil ran along the barely-there lines of my v-cut, and I knew in order to reap the full benefits of its location, I'd have to make those damned lines a bit more defined. I made a mental reminder to sign up for a gym membership as soon as graduation was over with.

Vivian questioned me more about Tanya, and for some reason talking about her didn't hurt as much when my mind was distracted by the dull sting of the needle driving into my skin. She finished pretty quickly and wiped my torso of any excess ink or blood. After smiling at her work, she led me to the full-length mirror where I finally got to see what she'd put as a permanent mark on my body.

To say I was awestruck would be a complete understatement.

Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget was inked onto my skin in black, elegant lettering. Those six words along the lines of my v-cut spoke the entire story of what happened in the past. I looked over at Vivian with satisfaction, letting her know it was all I wanted and more.

"How did you even know?" I asked, admiring the phrase on my skin.

"You and me are one in the same." She turned to her side, lifted up her loose-fitted, black halter-top and revealed one of her own tattoos to me.

There
once was
a little
girl who
never knew
love until
a boy
broke her
heart.

I raised an eyebrow as Vivian lowered her shirt back down, giving me a half-hearted smile along with a shrug. "I fell in love for the first time a few years back."

"What happened?"

"He died."

I paused. The way she said it... so calmly, so nonchalant... I almost envied her for being able to say it with such strength. If only I could have talked about Tanya with the same attitude. If only when I said I didn't care, I really didn't. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head and held out her right wrist to me. I'll never forget the first time I knew I loved you. You're beautiful. Never forget that, my darling was written in faded ink against her skin. "I never even knew I was in love with him before it was too late. He was sick and wrote me letters every day until he passed. I took his letters and had them make a stencil of it for me to have permanently."

Without shame, she pulled the top half of her shirt down enough to expose the tattoo of a heart with the name "Riley" scrawled inside. "You and me, Edward, we wear the pain of our past. We use them not as designs to decorate our bodies, but as reminders of what used to be. I understand that better than you think."

My brows furrowed, and my heart felt released of the anchor weighing it down. Finally, finally someone understood me. Somebody, for once, didn't criticize my wanting to keep the "T". It was overwhelming and before I could stop myself, I pulled her face to mine and kissed her to give her my thanks.

Surprisingly enough, she kissed me back.

And I hopped onto the first stepping-stone of the very long road of getting over Tanya Denali.

Vivian was my first five-minute encounter. I almost felt guilty for being with another woman who wasn't Tanya, but I knew by the look in Vivian's clouded hazel eyes as I stripped her of her top, that she was on the same page as I was. The guilt was there because of Riley.

And we both knew this would serve as a distraction from the permanent reminders on our skin. It was rushed, clumsy, and it sure as hell would not count as love making. I fucked her in the back seat of her car and after that night, we never spoke again, nor did I return to the tattoo parlor she worked at.

I didn't get her number or even a last name. But to be entirely honest, I'd wanted a memento of her and the time we shared together, simply because it helped me realize that I could move on if I made enough of an effort to.

I thought long and hard that day of what I could have as solid evidence of our time. I didn't want a picture and taking something of her personal belongings was a bit too much. It finally came to me on the way back to my dormitory.

The sounds of cars driving down the streets outside my apartment window pulled me out of my trip down memory lane. Once I shook my head and cleared my thoughts of the past, I slid out of bed and walked over to my closet, peering up at the box shoved into the corner of the shelf built inside. Did I really want to dive back into my past of Chicago? Did I want to take the risk and literally open up the box of memories I'd left behind?

I did.

I needed to.

After inhaling a sharp breath, I opened the box and was face to face with the only reminders I had left of my time in Chicago. I dug around inside and finally found what I was looking for.

A pair of purple, cotton bikini panties with the tag still attached.

I chuckled to myself and kicked the box aside with my foot. I was not the typical one-night stand type of guy you find at bars. I didn't exchange numbers and very rarely used my last name. It was better that way and much easier to deal with afterwards.

Girls were left with the dull ache between their thighs and my ghost of a touch as a reminder. Myself, on the other hand? I always made a note to myself of what type of panties they wore and bought an identical pair the next day. It was a strange way to remember them by, I'm sure, but it worked for me. Not only did I have physical evidence of being with another woman who wasn't Tanya, but I also had my purchases blared out in front of me every time I checked my bank account.

Vivian was written on the back of the price tag in my handwriting. I smiled at the thought of her. She was actually a very nice girl, and I was sort of regretting leaving without any kind of word to her. Maybe one day I'd look up the name of the tattoo parlor and ring her up. Maybe. One day. Since Vivian was probably the only girl I'd had a conversation with after the sex was over. We just laid in her backseat and talked about her tattoos, where I was going to school, and various other things I could hardly recall now.

Damn. There were so many pairs in the box. So many physical reminders of how much I had to work to get myself over Tanya. I closed my eyes and couldn't even fathom how pathetic I must have seemed to someone who knew the whole story.

Thankfully enough, no one knew the full extent of the shit I had to do in order to get myself to fall out of love. It was a very touchy topic and everyone knew that.

With a sigh, I yanked my shirt up over my head and stared at the words on my torso in the mirror. Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget. Years had passed. Tanya was married. And regardless of the fact that I wasn't in love with her anymore, I was still alone.

Alone.

Was I?

Involuntarily, I grabbed my phone and dialed a number, waiting on my bed as the line rang.

"Hello?"

My body calmed almost immediately, and I let out a heavy breath upon hearing her voice. "Bella."

Just hearing her talk already eased me significantly and I was starting to wonder just how she was able to do it. I'd talked to many women, heard them say things much more... perverse than just a simple "hello" and yet, it never seemed to have the effect Bella's had. I couldn't understand it.

"Edward," she teased in the same breathy tone I'd used. And damn, if I wasn't so messed up over the emotional roller coaster I was currently experiencing, I probably would have been turned on. "What are you up to?"

I shook my head, regardless of the fact that she could not see, and pulled my shirt back on. "Look, I know it's kind of late... but, do you think I could come over?"

"Come over?"

"Yeah," I said, pausing. "I just... really need someone to talk to."

I didn't realize how much I'd actually just wanted to talk to someone about everything until I spoke those words. And because Bella and I were almost one in the same like Vivian and I once were, and because I knew of Bella's deepest secret, I figured it'd only be fair that I let her into my mind, even for just a little while.

The line was silent as I waited for her response. "Bella?" I asked, thinking our call had been dropped and wondering whether or not she'd allow me to see her so late. Like I said, our agreement worked only when we were in public and behind closed doors, we were just Edward and Bella.

I was really beginning to think she was going to deny me or that Jasper was currently on her couch watching television or something. But before I could take back my words, she answered.

"I'll leave the door unlocked for you."

Author's Notes: And so, Beforeward's second tattoo is revealed. Does he have anymore? Guess you'll just have to wait until Bella grows enough of a back bone to strip him of his clothes ;) The next chapter is already being worked on. See? I told you I'd get better at updating!

Vivian's tattoo is up on my profile page if you'd like to see! Also, have you checked out the ALLTB thread on Twilighted? It's where I post up teasers for the next chapter so I'm hoping you all stop by at one point or another :) That link, too, is on my profile page.

I loved reading about the first dates you've all had! Most of them were about your first dates with men who are now your current husbands! I love happy stories like that, so congrats to all of you for finding happiness :) My first date with my ex-boyfriend was the typical date I spoke of in the last chapter. Movie and dinner. It was cute because he did hold my hand the entire time and wiped and kissed my tears away when I cried during a few scenes, but I'd much rather prefer something simple. Let's hope the next first date I go on (whenever that may be *sad face*) is something more to talk about!

Next question: Do you have any tattoos? And if not, would you get one and what would you get?

See you lovelies again real soon!

Love,
BB