Author's note: I decided it was time for a sadder one.

Disclaimer: For the tenth time, I do not own D.Gray Man.

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Fifty

The library somehow usually seemed warm late at night, when the only heat came from the candles and the newly-built fireplace Komui insisted be built. The stuffy books and comfy couches usually made the atmosphere gentle and calming. Usually.

Kanda hurled the large dictionary at Lavi's head from across the room.

Lavi ducked behind a desk as the book took out the reading lamp above his head. "Wait, Yuu!" He cried, lifting his head, only to duck again as Kanda hurled another book at his face.

In the back of his mind, Lavi could see Bookman standing outside the library, a look he had believed was supposed to be neutral plastered upon the old man's face. Lavi remembered the current Bookman finding him in the darkness of the hallway and demanding that he remind what had to be a crush exactly what he was.

Although this was not how Lavi had wanted to tell Kanda that he was eventually going to have to abandon the name "Lavi" and the persona it came with, he had never wanted – or pictured – Kanda this mad at him for it.

"Calm down Yuu!"

A mere desk stood between Lavi and death-by-Kanda. Taking a deep breath Lavi held his hands up in defense.

"Listen to me!" He pleaded.

Kanda, his eyes hidden by just-long-enough bangs, gritted his teeth and brandished the encyclopedia above his head. "Shut up!" He cried. "Why should I listen to what you have to say?! Everything you said before was a lie, right?"

Finally, Lavi could see his eyes. But he wished he hadn't. A moment of distress coming from Kanda was rare, and Lavi thought himself sadistic, the way he liked to see them. He liked the idea of being the only one who could make Kanda cry or could break him out of that shell he was always under.

But thinking back on that, Lavi realized he had no right to ask Kanda to stay with him when he couldn't promise anything. He would be saying goodbye (not really "goodbye") to the Order soon enough; and there was no way he could ever make Kanda wait till that happened.

And yet, Lavi found his voice again as he kept stuttering like an idiot even though he knew it was hopeless. "Please…Yuu…"

"Don't touch me." Kanda spat, pulling away from Lavi's newly outstretched hand. "Don't talk to me. Don't come near me. Don't pretend you can actually do anything at this point."

The soft knock on the door seemed to resonate throughout the entire library as Lavi finally managed to tear his eye away from Kanda's dripping orbs.

"You have a mission in the morning, Lavi." Bookman said simply. There were so many things hidden behind his raspy words; Lavi knew them all, even if Kanda didn't. "Seems like you're doing an excellent job of ripping the library apart."

Kanda sent him a glare before staring at his feet. He probably wasn't ready to face Bookman yet.

Lavi threw Bookman a carefree smile, "We're almost done, Gramps."

The old man shrugged and turned to leave, closing the door behind him.

Waiting until the sound of footsteps grew fainter, Lavi let out a sigh and also stared at his feet. "I'm sorry."

Lavi wasn't sure how he knew, but he could tell Kanda was sneering. "No you're not."

"Yuu, I –"

"You're just doing what you normally do. You write what you see and then you leave, thinking you were nothing more then a recorder. Thinking you left nothing more then a trail of ink. You've done it before, right? Left someone behind? Guess this means you'll have more practice the next time around."

"I…don't know what to say…"

"You don't even have to say anything!" Kanda cried. "You crawled into my life and now I can't get you out! You just didn't bother to mention to me after you kissed me that the person I…that you…you weren't…real. And you could never be. Which meant we could never…be. Smart move, jackass."

Lavi just hung his head. With nothing to say, 'cause Kanda was totally right. About everything. By acting so head-over-heels for Kanda he had already broken the rules Bookman had set down so firmly he could still feel them. By being with Kanda, in bed, on missions or just being around him simply because he wanted to, Lavi had torn his morals to shreds, and there was nothing he could do about it now.

If he really loved Kanda, he'd find some way to give up his duties as bookman; if he really loved himself, he would be with Kanda and wave Bookman goodbye just to stop hurting from love again.

"You're not making this any easier."

"I couldn't care less how easy this is or isn't for you!" Kanda roared. "You can't just…get close enough to me where I finally…love you, and then just walk away…you can't."

"You love me?"

It hit Lavi like a large boulder. Both realizing that Kanda had never said "I love you" before and that he just said it now. He knew he had made Kanda soften up a bit…but to get him to love was something he would normally pat himself on the back for, then drag Kanda to one of their rooms and see how well things worked out then.

"I love 'Lavi,' whoever that it."

Taking several, massive steps towards the mentally unstable samurai, Lavi pulled him in to the biggest and strongest bear-hug he had ever given. Despite the flailing arms that tried to swat him away, and the "Get off, damn you"s coming from Kanda, Lavi still kept his arms locked around the exorcist. (Well, now he was more then that, anyway.)

"Yuu." Lavi said firmly. "I want to be 'Lavi' forever. I don't want to leave you behind 'cause you're not the only one it'd hurt. I want to keep trying to get you to eat new foods, I wanna watch stars with you; I wanna protect you on missions and make out with you on the train – but more importantly, I want to stay with you.

"'Cause you're more then ink and no matter what Gramps says, I won't disappear. Not until one of us dies."

Kanda dropped his arms and hissed into Lavi's ear, "That will happen sooner then you think if you don't let me go within the next three seconds."