Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto characters or Pains 1-8 which come from the song "The 12 Pains of Christmas"
NOTE: Since the last few 'Pains' of the actual song "The 12 Pains of Christmas" don't really fit with Akatsuki, I did some improvisation for Pain 9 and 10. There will only be 10 pains instead; so the next chapter will be the last one.
Enjoy~
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Sasori: -writes- The ninth thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: making Christmas dinner.
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Kisame: I can't believe we forgot the most important part of Christmas.
Hidan: Don't worry, we can go to Jashin's Temple and worship him ALL day tomorrow. =D
Kisame: Huh? No…I meant the food! It's Christmas Eve at last, and everyone's here with us this time, no major injuries, so I say we celebrate with a delicious Christmas dinner!
Sasori: Well unless you can make magic, that's not gonna happen.
Itachi: Yeah. You guys got lucky yesterday, I don't think we should push it and spend even more buying that kind of food.
Kisame: Aww… -tear- I was looking forward to that Christmas-y food they always advertise…all those delicious meats, gravys, desserts…-drool-
Deidara: Aw, stop it un. You're making me hungry…
Tobi: Then let's make our own food!
Kakuzu: NO WAY. Absolutely not. I refuse.
Deidara: Kakuzu?? When did you get here?
Kakuzu: I have a newfound sixth sense; it alerts me when people are thinking of spending money. Especially for stupid things.
All: -.-
Tobi: But we won't buy anything! We'll make it ourselves here!
Kakuzu: Well that's all fine and dandy, until someone explodes the microwave, burns the stove, overheats the oven, breaks the fridge, loses utensils; there are way to many expenses to trust any of you with making anything more complicated than instant noodles.
Kisame: -grin- I guess you have a point. How long did it take to clean the scorch marks off the stove and walls after Itachi decided to try one of Konan's recipes?
Itachi: Will you stop bringing that up? Like I said, the stove wouldn't heat so I decided to…help it along. I didn't know gas was leaking from it when I used my katon jutsu…Anyways, I'm not the only one that destroys the kitchen! Even Deidara and YOU for that matter are worse than me.
Sasori: I think its funny because it's YOU. I mean everyone expects Deidara to blow up everything on this planet, but the fact that infamous Itachi Uchiha himself has kitchen problems? -snicker-
Itachi: -death glare-
Deidara: I'll make a deal with you Kakuzu. Let us use the kitchen; if we can keep it in perfect shape, we'll turn in Hidan and give you all his bounty money.
Kakuzu: No. I think Itachi's more valuable.
Itachi: Have you gone mad?
Kakuzu: -sigh- Fine, Hidan. But if you mess it up, I get Samehada. I'm sure it will rack up quite the price in the Water Country's auctions. It's like a valuable collectible.
Sasori: Doesn't something seem weird with that bet? Kakuzu kinda wins either way.
Kakuzu: That's the only betting I do. Everyone agreed?
Itachi: Hn.
Deidara: Agreed!
Tobi: YES!
Sasori: Fine.
Kisame: NO WAY! That's not ok! You guys are just saying that cuz you have nothing to lose! I refuse!
Deidara: Oh, come on Kisame…does it look like we would actually destroy the kitchen?
All: -angel face-
Kisame: You're kidding, right?
Deidara: Well, we'll all work together and make sure that nobody does anything to damage anything. And if I'm wrong, you can force-feed Tobi poison until you're satisfied.
Tobi: HEY! That's mean, Senpai! -pout-
Kisame: Why don't I just force-feed poison to you instead? That would make me feel a hell of a lot more better than doing it to Tobi.
Konan: Sorry guys, Pein kinda needs his members alive.
Deidara: Y-Yeah! Thanks Konan. -relieved-
Sasori: Konan? Where do you people keep sneaking up from?
Konan: Heh. Okay, how about if the kitchen is messed up, you can feed Deidara poisons that won't actually kill him, but provide slow torture.
Deidara: Konan! I thought you were on my side!
Kisame: I like the sound of that. It still won't make up for losing Samehada, but it's a start.
Deidara: -yoga breathing- Ok guys, for my sake PLEASE don't screw anything up.
Sasori: Shall we start then?
Tobi: Yayayayayayay!! =D
------In Kitchen-------
Konan: Okay, since I'm the only one that really knows how to cook here, follow my instructions and everything will go smoothly.
Deidara: Yeah, un. Konan's the boss! Listen to everything she says! And carefully un!
Sasori: Hm…I haven't used my non-fatal poisons in a while, so there should be four shelves for you to pick and choose from Kisame.
Deidara: Stop being so pessimistic Sasori! Nothing bad is gonna happen. We have our angelic Konan!
Konan: Aw ^_^ Ok, here are a bunch of recipe books with Christmas type foods.
Tobi: I'll make the cookies!
Itachi: I'll make appetizers.
Sasori and Kisame: We'll make the main course.
Deidara: I'll make dessert!
Konan: I'll make the drinks I guess…anyone like eggnog?
-half an hour later-
Pein: Hey, something smells good!
All: Thanks!
Deidara: Sasori! Did you just blink? Watch the stove at all times. WATCH IT! -paranoid-
Sasori: Stop panicking so much, geez.
Deidara: You're right…we're S-class criminals…what can't we do perfectly?
Tobi: Oops.
Pein: Cook, apparently. -smirk-
Deidara: -eye twitch- Did-Did that idiot just say oops?
Tobi: I spilled some milk…sorry senpai.
Deidara: Oh...milk…ok. -sigh of relief-
Kisame: This is looking pretty good, eh?
Sasori: Obviously. I'm helping.
Kakuzu: -walks in, inspects kitchen, then walks out-
Itachi: I'd wish he'd stop doing that…its embarrassing being seen with an apron. And a stupid frilly one at that.
Kisame: -grin- Hey, they were all up for grabs, you were just too slow so you get the girly one.
Hidan: What the hell are you guys doing? I thought the safety limit was one person in the kitchen only? More than that and something gets destroyed.
Deidara: Konan's supervising.
Hidan: -smirk- I heard about your little deal with Kakuzu…I hope you have a strong body to handle all those poisons.
Deidara: -twich- Nothing will go wrong! Nothing! We have Konan! Now leave! -eyes dart nervously-
Itachi: Are you ok? You look like you're going to have a nervous breakdown…
Deidara; I'm FINE! Pay attention to what you're doing! Nothing will go wrong. NOTHING!!!! -eye twitch-
All: -sweat drop-
-one long hour later-
Tobi: Finished my cookies!
Sasori: Are they edible this time?
Tobi: Of course! Its my fourth batch; Konan told me how to fix it.
Sasori: Ok good…
Kisame: Uh…Tobi? I don't know how, but your cloak…
Tobi: It's pretty right? I coloured the clouds blue!
Kisame: Uh, its on fire.
Tobi: -scream-
Itachi: Tobi, don't flail around like that, you'll make it worse!
Tobi: -knocks over pots and pans in his mad flailing-
Deidara: -panicking- STOP DROP AND ROLL, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD TOBI DIDN'T YOU LEARN ANYTHING AS A KID? AND BE CAREFUL!
Tobi: -stops, drops and rolls quickly…crashing into Kisame's legs causing him to lose balance-
Kisame: -tugs violently at Sasori's cloak to stop himself from falling-
Sasori: -gets pulled down with Kisame, spoon flying from his hand-
Itachi: -gets hit in his blind spot with the spoon-
Deidara: Oh no…ITACHI DON'T-
Itachi: -natural reaction- OMGWTF? Surprise attack? FIREBALL JUTSU!
Deidara: -covers face- Goodbye…my perfect flawless beautiful unpoisoned body…
Tobi: I put out the fire! Stop drop and rolling works!
Sasori: Well, thanks to Itachi we have a bigger fire to worry about-
Tobi: Kitchen! Stop drop and roll!
All: -.-"
Kisame: I'll fix it!
Itachi: My bad. Wait- Kisame there are electrical appliances here...!
Kisame: -puts out fire-
Hidan: I'M TRYING TO DO A FUCKING RITUAL, AND JUST AS I GET INTO THE ZONE I HEAR SHOUTING AND- -observes charred and burned walls- Oooh…nice scorch marks Itachi, I think your jutsu's gotten stronger.
Pein: What- hey, do you smell burning?
Itachi: Ha ha Pein. -.-
Sasori: Oh shit! Kisame take it out of the oven!
Kisame: Too late… -coughs as smoke pours out of oven, clouding the air-
And after being mistreated- burned by Itachi, drenched by Kisame, neglected by Sasori, and probably fed up with its misfortune of being in a kitchen of lunatics, the poor fifth-hand 20 year old stove spontaneously combusts, causing a chain reaction with the stove, and microwave somehow. O.o
Pein: Wow…that was unexpected.
Kakuzu: AHAHAHAH!! -laughs maniacally- Samehada is MINE!! -dollar sign eyes-
Kisame: DEIDARA!!!
Sasori: Four shelves, remember Kisame. Purple bottles.
Deidara: -screams and runs away-
Hidan: You guys really are morons, aren't you?
Itachi: Oh well, so much for Konan supervising and keeping control…where is she anyway?
Sasori: Multiple food poisonings…remember Tobi's four batches of cookies? Well he made her try the first three.
Tobi: This seems familiar to Tobi…didn't this happen when we were putting up the Christmas tree?
Sasori: You're right…this type of chain reaction misfortune…by the way Itachi, why the hell do you have some sort of weird reaction to being hit from behind? I remember you burning half the living room when we tried to put up the tree as well.
Itachi: I…had the misfortune of coming across rabid glomping fangirls if you must know. A lot of rabid glomping fangirls. So when something suddenly hits my back I go into survival mode.
Sasori: By burning them to a crisp? -snicker-
Itachi: Shut up. -glare-
Pein: Well, now that you've all learned that you are even more of a danger in the kitchen than you are in a battle, shall we go to a restaurant for our Christmas dinner?
Hidan: Won't Kakuzu throw a fucking fit though?
Pein: Nah, I'll 'borrow' some of his bounty money, pretend its my own and treat everyone. He's so ecstatic with Samehada he probably won't notice.
Hidan: I like the way you think. -smirk-
Konan:…Urgh…-throws up on Pein's shoes- Uh…Merry Christmas Pein. -faints-
Tobi: Oops…my bad hehe…
Pein: Good grief. -.-
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MoonlitLotus