I'm still alive! And so is this story that got abandoned for a really long time…like years…but its back, and almost done. So…yes. I hope you enjoy the last (yes, this is the last one) pain of JASHINmas!
Disclaimer: Don't own the Naruto characters, or the song from which this parody is made. (Although I did deviate away from the song for 2 pains)
Onwards!
The tenth thing at JASHINmas that's such a pain to me: Disproving the existence of Santa and proving the existence of Jashin.
Deidara: Why are we here, un? I'm so full I just want to go to sleep.
Pein: Hidan called a meeting. He said it was important. -shrug-
Itachi: And yet, he's the only one not here.
-Hidan bursts into room 10 seconds later-
Hidan: Ok everyone here? Good. I just realized its already the eve of JASHINmas and you idiots are still not 100% convinced that JASHIN really exists, thus you cannot appreciate the sacredness of tomorrow.
Sasori: -mutters- I doubt any of us are even 0.1% convinced.
Hidan: -pretends he hasn't heard- SO, I was looking through my stuff and I found this book explaining the true origins of JASHINmas in all its entirety. It is an epic recollection of that fateful day made by one of my ancestors who actually witnessed this entire event take place and recorded it. This history has been passed down for generations to each new Jashinist, and so now I'm going to treat your non-believing ears to it too which is quite an honour for you.
All: -blank stare-
Tobi: So what you're saying is…you want to read us a bedtime story? :D
Hidan: …Do I look like your fucking mother? And no, this is not a story. It is a historical document. So listen up! -pulls out thick book-
Kisame: Hidan…just how long is that story?
Hidan: Historical document! And well, my ancestor usually had get-to-the-point issues, thank Jashin it skipped my generation, and so he does go a bit off topic. But anyways, the history is all here.
All: -groan, mutter and shuffle into comfortable listening/sleeping positions-
Hidan: It was a cold night. Stars shone in the sky but they provided no warmth. The moon was a curious shape, kind of like a smile. Or it might have looked like a banana if somebody had turned it on its side. The grass was covered in snow and I touched it. It was cold.
Sasori: My ears are dying already.
Hidan: I looked at the sky again, not knowing that in a few short hours I would be encountering one of the most powerful celestial beings of the immortal world and be witnessing an event so mystical that it would change the world as I knew it. Snowflakes started to fall from the sky, as if the stars were crying. I had always been fascinated by snowflakes; did you know that no two are ever alike? I stood in the cold for another half an hour just watching the heavenly product drift down and coat me. The wind picked up and the snowflakes started dancing in the wind. It was really beautiful and I just stared at them, entranced. Did I mention that I was fascinated by snowflakes? I shivered, realizing that I had been standing in the cold for an hour. The icy wind blew and I shivered again from the cold of the pretty snowflakes that flew into by face. It wasn't your average cold either, it was like cold mixed with-
Deidara: OK we freaking get it! Its cold and snowy and your ancestor has a creepy obsession with snowflakes. CAN YOU JUST GET ON WITH IT?
Hidan: Those who are impatient will never understand the true sanctity of Jashinmas. Besides, I'm only on the second page.
Deidara: Tobi…throw this at my head really hard. -gives Tobi an extra non-explosive clay ornament that he made for the tree-
Tobi: …senpai?
-3 hours later-
Hidan: …And then, Jashin-sama blessed the girl with powers of immortality and asked her to follow Jashinism. As she had been saved from death by this devilishly handsome and powerful God, not unlike myself, she willingly agreed and became the first Jashinist. She converted a man and married him, and had her first child on the late eve of December 24th, which then became known as Jashinmas to praise the immortal power, strength and compassion of the great Lord Jashin. -closes book- And that is the story of Jashinmas.
All minus 3: -Zzz…- (Itachi, Konan and Pein had actually left 15 minutes into the story.)
Hidan: -vein pulsing- I BEAR THE SOUL OF MY BELOVED JASHIN'S MOST PRECIOUS DAY OF THE YEAR AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS SLEEP THROUGH IT?
-Deidara, Sasori and Kisame wake up at his yelling but the rest are still asleep-
Tobi: -yawns-Tobi was listening!
Hidan: -sigh- Nobody cares about you Tobi.
Tobi: I have a question though. Where does Santa Claus fit in to your story?
Hidan: For the last time Tobi, who the hell is Santa Claus?
Tobi: Well, he is this jolly old man who lives at the North Pole with his elves, which make toys for all the good little boys and girls. He likes to eat milk and cookies, and every year on Christmas Eve, he rides his sleigh pulled by flying reindeer all over the world to give presents to all the good children!
Hidan: o.o…That is by far the most ridiculous thing I've ever fucking heard.
Tobi: But its true! If we put out milk and cookies tonight, at midnight Santa will come and leave me presents because I'm a good boy!
Hidan: Pft, JASHINmas doesn't involve softie things like presents. Don't you know that its just an Akatsuki member that dumps a load of presents under the tree for you? I mean seriously, remember last year? If it really was Santa giving you the presents, I don't think he would misspelled his last name on all the cards.
Kisame: Sound a word out, its correct 95 percent of the time…pft, yeah right. That's the last time I ever consult with Deidara…
Sasori: Honestly? That boy can hardly spell his own name, let alone spell the name of a fictional character.
Tobi: -shocked that even Sasori doubts the existence of Santa- He's not fictional he's REAL! He has to be real! -close to tears-
Hidan: Oh yeah? Well have you ever seen him? Have you ever talked to him? Do you know anyone else who's seen or talked to him? I didn't think so. And thus by all the laws of nature, physics, reason and intelligence, Santa Claus does not fucking exist. -smug-
Deidara: Did you fail as a student? How do any of those laws even relate to whether or not Santa exists? And what the hell is the law of intelligence?
Sasori: It's only natural you don't know, since you need to have some to understand.
Kisame: Ouch!
Deidara:…
Sasori: But by your logic, wouldn't Jashin not exist either? You've never seen him, you've never talked to him, nobody else has seen or talked to him…
Hidan: Did I or did I not just spend 3 fucking hours reading the history of JASHINmas as it was recorded by MY ANCESTOR WHO SAW JASHIN AND WITNESSED THE WHOLE FUCKING THING?
Tobi: But…they have shows about Santa on TV! So that has to mean he's real because those people know him and have seen him and talked to him and-
Hidan: Have you noticed that the 'Santa' looks slightly different in every show? I mean he's some kind of fucking animal thing in Arthur…and do you know why they're all different? BECAUSE NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE REALLY LOOKS LIKE SINCE HE WAS JUST MADE UP TO MAKE LITTLE KIDS FEEL SPECIAL.
Tobi: "B-but…"-pouts and runs away in tears-
Konan: -enters room-why are you yelling so much and why is Tobi crying?
Sasori: Hidan just told him that Santa doesn't exist. And somewhat proved it.
Konan: Hidan! Why can't you just leave Tobi alone? Poor thing…and its Christmas Eve too! The one night he looks forward to the most!
Hidan: Pft, like I care. He spends all of JASHINmas worrying about some fictional Santa instead of praising and worshipping the very REAL Jashin like he's supposed to on JASHINMAS! The little brat had it coming to him.
-4 paper cranes peck him repeatedly in the head-
Hidan: OW! Dammit woman what's your problem?
Konan: You are so insensitive to Tobi! Why couldn't you just let him go along believing in Santa? Nobody else believes in Jashin and you don't go around breaking their hearts. Poor Tobi!
Kisame: Much as I am annoyed by Tobi like everyone else…I have to agree with her.
Deidara: Yeah, un. He's an idiot but he's like one of those annoying puppies that starts to grow on you because of its unrelenting happiness. It feels bad to have him all upset and crying.
Sasori: It feels like a cloud of gloom just descended over our hideout, doesn't it?
Hidan: Oh stop being such a fucking drama queen. He'll get over it in 5 minutes then come back down and eat cookies and forget all about this.
Tobi: *SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOB*
Konan, Sasori, Deidara and Kisame: -…look at Hidan-
Hidan: -shrugs- Ok, maybe 15 minutes. -gets poked again by birds- OW!
Konan: You are going to make it up to him, mister.
Hidan: Huh?
Konan: According to Tobi, Santa comes at midnight and leaves presents. So you're going to dress up as Santa and I'll lure Tobi into the living room where you'll give him his presents. Then, tell him he's a very good boy. That should cheer him up.
Hidan: What the hell? Have you ever seen what Santa looks like? He looks like a fucking red round tree ornament! And there is no way I'm telling Tobi he's a good boy. He's completely disrespecting Jashin and JASHINmas with all his Santa and Christmas nonsense. -gets violently pecked some more- STOP IT WOMAN!
Deidara: Shh, un. Don't wake up the others. Unless you want them to witness you dressed up as Santa.
Konan: Will you do it? -gives him the look of cold evil death that only she can do which has the power to make fully grown men cower in fear-
Hidan: o.o …yes ma'am.
Konan: That's what I thought. Deidara, Sasori, help him get into a Santa costume. I'll go find Tobi and convince him to put out milk and cookies. When you're done, I'll lure Tobi to the living room. You have 45 minutes until midnight. Go!
Konan left find Tobi, and Deidara and Sasori pushed Hidan down the hall into their room to give him a Santa makeover.
Hidan: Sometimes I think that woman is fucking scarier than Pein…
*knock knock*
Tobi: -sniffle- Who's there?
Konan: Its Konan. -opens door and walks in- Don't you want to leave milk and cookies out for Santa?
Tobi: Santa doesn't exist…
Konan: Oh please, Hidan's just jealous because Jashin is the one that doesn't exist. I mean come on…does Jashin have his own television shows? I don't think so…So you tell me, which one exists?
Tobi: I guess…
Konan: And everyone knows about Santa, right? They all know what he looks like, and they know what he does and where he lives…does anybody know that kind of information about Jashin? I don't think so…So tell me which one exists?
Tobi: -visibly brightens-
Konan: -spends another 30 minutes needling and convincing Tobi until…-
Tobi: -rushes out of his room in a flash- I HAVE TO LEAVE MILK AND COOKIES FOR SANTA BECAUSE TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!
Konan smiled satisfactorily. She was good getting people to see things her way. There was only 15 minutes left until midnight…she had to see whether Hidan was remotely close to ready.
Tobi wondered why there was a light on in the kitchen. He peeked inside and saw Itachi sitting at the table humming Christmas carols with a pile of cookies in front of him and a glass of milk. He walked in and Itachi stopped humming, giving him a look that said 'if you tell anyone about this I'll kill you.' Tobi skipped to the fridge obliviously and took out the milk.
He reached for the cookie container and frowned when he saw it was empty. Itachi looked up as Tobi came over and tried to take a cookie. Itachi smacked his hand away. Tobi stared at Itachi. Itachi stared at Tobi. Tobi looked at the cookies. Itachi shook his head and held the cookies protectively. Tobi pouted. Itachi stared at him. Tobi started to sniffle. Itachi stared impassively, holding his cookies even tighter.
Tobi: KONAN!
Konan: -appears in a flash- What?
Tobi: -points- Itachi took all the cookies and he won't let me have any to give to Santa.
Konan: Oh really? -gives Itachi the look of evil death that only she can do which sends fully grown men cowering in fear-
Itachi: o.o -pushes plate of cookies away from him slowly-
Konan: Thought so ^^. There you go Tobi! -leaves-
Itachi: Scary woman…- Downs his milk and leaves-
Tobi walks to living room and sets the cookies and milk down on the table. He looks at the clock and sees that it's 5 minutes to midnight. He jumps and runs back to his room burying himself in his bed; after all Santa doesn't come when good boys and girls are awake. And since Tobi was the only good boy in the hideout, he pretended to sleep.
***Meanwhile with Deidara and Sasori***
Sasori: Shut up and keep still! You're almost done.
Hidan: I look fucking ridiculous.
Deidara: -dying of laughter on his bed-
Sasori: It's your own fault you know. -puts false beard and Santa hat on Hidan- Good thing your hair is already white.
Hidan: -miffed- It's not white its an elegant platinum-silver.
Sasori: Whatever. Deidara, do you have the pillows?
Hidan: Why do I need fucking pillows?
Deidara: Santa is pretty chubby you know…so we need the pillows to-
Hidan: Oh fucking hell no. Isn't it bad enough that I have to wear this stupid beard and hat? I do not need to look like a fucking marshmallow too.
Sasori: It's your own faul-
Hidan: -glares- I will personally shove this pillow down your fucking throat if you say that again.
Sasori: Coming from you, that threat seems pretty humorous. -shoves 2 pillows up Hidan's shirt.- Perfect.
Deidara: -collapses on floor in laughter-
Hidan: -Attempts to kick him and nearly falls over due to his overlarge 'stomach' thus earning more laughs from Deidara-
Konan: -pokes her head in- Everything ok in here? -sees Hidan- Good. You have 5 minutes…then I'll go get Tobi. Oh, and Hidan, if you mess this up you'll be very, very sorry. -gives him the look of evil death that only she can do which sends fully grown men cowering in fear-
Hidan: -shivers- fucking creepy…
10 minutes later, Hidan's all dressed up and they're walking him into the living room, Deidara holding the presents that Hidan's supposed to give toTobi and Sasori making sure he doesn't fall over. They pass Kakuzu who had just woken up and was walking back to his room.
Kakuzu: o.O -snickers- what the hell…
Santa Hidan: SHUT IT STITCHFACE.
Kakuzu: o.o -shrugs and returns to his room, still snickering at his partner's misfortune though he's unaware as to why he's dressed up like a fat little Christmas ornament.-
***Meanwhile with Konan***
Konan: Tobi, wake up! Wake up!
Tobi: merh?
Konan: I saw someone in the living room who was dressed in red and very chubby and wearing a fuzzy red hat and carrying presents!
Tobi: -half asleep-mrh…easter..merph…bunny?
Konan: -resists urge to slap herself in the forehead- I think it's Santa!
Tobi: -sits up wide awake- SANTA? You saw Santa?
Konan: -nods- I think he's still in the living room, but you gotta be quick!
Tobi: -SQUEAL!- -dashes off with ninja speed-
Konan: ^^ -follows him to living room with ninja stealth-
***In The Living Room***
Konan: -hiding in the shadows to make sure Hidan doesn't mess up-
Santa Hidan: -munches on cookies- These are actually pretty fucking good! -raises cup of milk to his lips and is about to drink when…-
Tobi: SANTA! IT'S REALLY YOU!
Santa Hidan: -spills milk on himself-
Tobi: -Stares in horror- uh oh…is Tobi still a good boy?
Santa Hidan: -resists urge to glare- Yes. Yes, Tobi is still a good boy. In fact, Tobi is one of the goodest good boys I've ever met. And I've been around the world and seen a lot of good boys so I should know. Yeah.
Konan: -smacks herself in the forehead-
Tobi: SQUEAL! THANK YOU SANTA! -hugs-
Santa Hidan: Erm…I have…presents if you let go…
Tobi: -Lets go and stands out of Santa's personal space-
Santa Hidan: Here you go, Tobi.-gives him 3 presents- And Merry…Christmas. -spits out word as if it pains him to say it-
Konan: -Nods in approval-
Santa Hidan: -Sighs now that his charade is done and walks towards the door-
Tobi: Where are you going Santa? The chimney's that way.
Santa Hidan: Eh?
Tobi: Silly! You came down the chimney right, so you have to go back up the chimney to get to your reindeer!
Santa Hidan: Oh…You're completely right. Looks like I might have eaten too many cookies! Erm…HOHOHO!
Tobi: -watches curiously as Santa goes up chimney-
Santa Hidan: -mutters-Stupid fucking kid. Even without this fucking stupid outfit I wouldn't be able to crawl up the fucking chimney anyways. I'll just climb up far enough so he can't see me and then come back down and go to my room. -nods to himself- yeah that's what I'll do.
Tobi: I always wondered how Santa could fit in all those chimneys…-watches amazed as Santa's feet go out of sight then skips off happily to his room- Wait till I tell Hidan! Santa is real and he said I'm the goodest good boy!
Santa Hidan: Finally. -tries to move but he's pushed himself farther up the chimney than he thought- Eh? Tries to shimmy back down but his shirt rides up and the pillows puff up in his face. -muffled- WHAT THE FUCK I'M STUCK!
Konan: -walks to bottom of chimney.- Serves you right.
Santa Hidan: Wait, Konan…help me?
Konan: Nope. Obviously Jashin is trying to punish you. And since you said we should all believe in JASHIN, I don't want to go against his divine action. -Walks away-
And so Hidan was left swearing in the chimney all night and was only pulled out early the next morning painfully by Kakuzu on the orders of a confused Pein who later realized he really didn't want to know.
And this is the last chapter! The Akatsuki finally made it all the way to Christmas Day! -passes out cookies for all- Next chapter will be kind of like an epilogue where the Akatsuki comment on everything the day after Christmas. And thanks to those readers who stuck by this story that got started quickly then abandoned then picked up after a loong time again and is now almost finished. Hehe. I'm planning on re-vamping it so that it reads more like a story rather than a list of what the characters say, so that'll be done…eventually ^^;;
Thank you!
MoonlitLotus