Author's note: Sorry for the wait! I was just kinda busy, and I had writer's block.

Disclaimer: Why oh why don't I have enough money to buy the godly creation that is D. Gray Man!?

WARNING: This is an angst/tragedy drabble-thing. There is NOT a happy ending, nor any humor. This is probably one of the darkest things I have ever written, and I bet no one will like it. Still! I had to get it off my chest, and I promise the next drabble will be chuck full of humor. So if you love the idea of Lavi and Kanda together, you think Bookman should shove it and die, hate angst/tragedy, and think that Lavi would abandon his duties as bookman for Kanda, then you should probably not read this.

--

Because

There are things "Lavi" loves.

There are things he loves.

There are things they love.

But he had to forsake them – all of them – for the old man.

He isn't sure who he is anymore. Whether he has a name, or if he's that little boy with nothing to live for; who followed the old man because he had food,not because being a bookman was something he wanted to do.

i.

Today Kanda says he loves Lavi.

Then Lavi just smiles and brushes off the samurai's confession like it's less then dog shit.

Because he knows nothing can be done –

He can't belong to Kanda.

Such a pity they can't be heard. Even in this deadly silence.

ii.

He wanted to tell someone that something was wrong. That, for some reason, it was getting harder and harder to keep telling himself these people are nothing but ink.

Because if he thinks that, then maybe things will be easier.

Because the old man never said it would be easy.

He only said it was necessary.

And he has already made the choice.

iii.

"Are you going to forget about us?" Lenalee asks.

"How could I forget you?" Lavi jokes.

-

"You're not…hurting…are you?" Lenalee asks.

"Naw…Moyashi didn't hit me too hard." He smiles.

-

"Funny…isn't it usually Kanda who hits you?" Lenalee asks.

It's a shame no one can hear them screaming: it won't be worth it.

iv.

Lavi knows Kanda won't last forever. Hell, no one will –

But Kanda is even more of an exception.

So it's no surprise when he sees Kanda, writhing in a pool of his own blood, he's confused. He swears the lotus had one more petal…

And when Lavi's holding Kanda's sweaty, teary face in his palms the only thing he feels is regret.

That he wasn't able to hug Kanda more –

Or braid his hair –

Or steal his soba –

Or go on missions with him –

Or send him into a bloodthirsty rage –

Or get to know him more –

Or protect him.

Lavi has nothing to say when Kanda's broken jaw starts moving and blood trickles between his lips.

And Lavi still does nothing but stroke the samurai's hair until he stops thrashing and screaming because Lavi won't say anything to him.

"I don't wanna die." Kanda pleads, gripping at Lavi's throat for some kind or response.

When Kanda's grip tightens, Lavi finally cracks a lopsided smile. "In the end, Yuu," He says, "you get to die – and everyone will miss you, and cry for you. And you get to forget about me, and everything bad that's happened to you."

"Y'don't…b'lieve t'at." Kanda sputters.

"Yes," He says firmly, "I do."