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Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
-Secret, The Pierces
November 26
Apparently once with the whole 'diary' thing wasn't enough. In order for my life to get back to its previous state of perfection, or near enough anyway, I need to get myself straightened out. I'm becoming a bit of an emotional wreck; it's as though my feelings just swam the English channel 3-5 times and are now completely on the fritz. I almost burst into tears this morning when I discovered there was no syrup to drizzle over my bacon. Honestly. Something needs to be done, because I don't think I'm gonna last long otherwise.
I've had three completely miserable and awkward encounters in the past 24 hours that I would normally happily pretend had never happened… except now I've gotten it into my head that writing it down might actually help the situation. And let me tell you, it had better, because otherwise I am wasting my valuable time scribbling in this instead of roaming the castle hiding from people who I am avoiding, such as Lily, Lorcan, Albus, Hugo, and Malfoy. Which is quite a feat, even in a castle as big as this one.
I guess I'll start with Lily. I told her what I did. You know, the whole cheating thing. In case you forgot. Which I did for a blissful twenty minutes when I fell asleep in Divination earlier. Merlin knows why I am even in that class. Anyway… Lily is my best friend. So, suffice to say, I was expecting a little support. Not understanding or sympathy, because I am perfectly aware that I don't deserve either of those things for behaving like a drunken slut. But I did not expect her to act as if it was no big deal. As if I am overreacting by being this upset, overreacting like I 'always do' according to her. Which is completely false.
At first, Lily took my statement of 'I hooked up with Malfoy' to mean 'I shagged Malfoy', and once I firmly set the record straight that no matter how drunk I am, I am not the kind of girl who sleeps around with her mortal enemies, she kind of lost interest. She even had the nerve to say, "So you guys only kissed? What is the big deal then? A meaningless kiss is hardly cheating." Somehow, I don't think Lorcan will feel the same way. And God, I love Lily and everything, but really! Cheating isn't a big deal if it's only kissing? Where does she get this stuff? I don't know what to do with her; she's going to run into trouble if she keeps gallivanting around 'not cheating'. But then again, I'm the one who's in trouble. Maybe Lily is right, and the solution to the whole thing is to just let it go, pretend it didn't happen (I hardly remember it anyway), toss my guilt to the side. Oh, who am I kidding. I'm not Lily. I can't even look at Lorcan without feeling completely horrid and undeserving of his love. I know I cheated.
Which brings me to my second awkward encounter… Lunch with Lorcan yesterday. I'm not sure I said more than two words to him all meal, and those words were 'hello' and 'goodbye'. I sat there beside him for a good twenty minutes, my stomach twisting in knots. Bless Lorcan, I don't think he even noticed that I wasn't eating or speaking. He was rigorously poring over his Ancient Runes notes in 'preparation for a potential pop quiz'. Normally his obliviousness to my feelings irritates me to no end, and I start to question whether or not he knows me at all, but today, it was a blessing.
Even if we have been together eight months, he has yet to catch on to the fact that I am a fairly talkative person, even when I don't particularly have anything important to say, and that the quieter I am, generally the more upset I am. That could probably go down as the worst meal of my life, barring the dessert three years ago when my mum thought it would be a good idea to have muggle 'S'mores'. Little Hugo caught his marshmallow on fire, and the runt couldn't blow it out for the life of him. My parents were no help, my mother wanting him to be 'independent' and put it out on his own, and my dad just thinking the marshmallow looked cool when it was on fire. So Hugo shook it. Until it finally flew off his wand. Into my hair. While on fire. And though it wasn't flaming for long, it still burnt my hair, and made a hot, gooey, disgusting mess, and made Hugo cry inconsolably because he had so been looking forward to eating it. But other than that, this meal was the worst ever. I don't understand how our relationship is supposed to thrive if I can't even look him in the eye. But how am I supposed to act around him? I want to act like everything is normal, but it isn't. I've never been a good actress. I haven't seen him since yesterday, even though we were supposed to do our homework together in the library last night, like we always do. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't notice that I never showed up. I suppose it's my girlfriendly duty to go tonight… unless I pretend I have detention. But then I'd have to talk to him to tell him I have detention… Unless Lily does it for me! Perfect.
I'm assuming you've gathered by now that Malfoy has not destroyed my fragile psyche by telling the population of Hogwarts about… The thing. Yet. I don't know how long he can keep it to himself, to be honest. Our interaction earlier went a little something like this:
"Malfoy. I urgently need to speak with you privately." –Me
"Whatever, Weasel. I'm a snobbish prick who doesn't have time for the likes of you." –Malfoy (okay maybe I added that second part in for effect… but it was written all over his face, he might as well have said it.)
"I am commanding you to keep your mouth shut about any slightly sexual endeavours that we may or may not have embarked upon the other night." –Me, always professional and put together.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Please, refresh my memory." –Malfoy. Honestly, who does he think he is? Like Hell he doesn't know what I'm talking about! He just wants to hear me say it… Well that is not going to happen. No way am I admitting to it.
So, while blushing something awful, I intelligently utter, "you know… The thing. That we did."
"You mean you drunkenly and shamelessly throwing yourself at me despite my numerous protests?" I swear, when he smirks he looks like the Devil. And I did not throw myself at him. I don't think. I don't technically remember, but I'm certain that's not what happened.
"It doesn't matter what you want to call it, because you won't be uttering a word on the subject." So ha.
"What's in it for me?" God, can't the guy just do this one little thing for me? I gave him the gift of getting to kiss me, not everyone gets to experience that. Technically, he owes me. I wish I'd thought to say that at the time.
Instead I threatened, "You get to keep your life."
"I think I'll take my chances." He even had the nerve to chuckle. I have never heard such a demonic sound. As if he doesn't find me threatening in the slightest. When he started to walk away, I panicked.
"What'll it take? I'll do anything." As soon as the words left my lips I knew I shouldn't have let them escape. The self-satisfied look on his face made me somehow feel hot and cold at the same time. I'm an idiot. Why didn't I just think before I opened my fat mouth?
"Anything?" Oh God, no. I take it back. I didn't mean it. "In that case… I want a repeat performance." I'm not joking. That's actually what he said. If I thought I was blushing before, it was nothing compared to now. I think I blinked 684 times in the span of about 3 seconds, and made a few unattractive choking noises at the same time.
"Think about it." And then he strutted off. I'm a little embarrassed to admit how long I stood there for, staring after him but not really seeing. The heat from my cheeks still hadn't faded, but my heart rate had finally returned to normal by the time I realized I was standing in a deserted corridor staring into space, and I should probably move.
Think about it. What's there to think about? It's not happening. It would be completely deplorable. I have morals, you know. And yet… if it's the only way to keep the story from getting out… No. It's ridiculous. There's no question that it would only make things worse, it would just mean that I had cheated multiple times rather than just the one. We all make mistakes, right? Merlin knows I certainly didn't want to kiss Malfoy, and I only did because I was so plastered I couldn't tell the difference between the fire in the hearth and the Giant Squid. Though they are oddly similar… Not the point. The point is that, if I were to kiss Malfoy again… it would be for Lorcan. Because I still want to be with him, I still want him to love me. Would that make it okay?
I'm a little frightened to ask Lily's advice on this. I wish I could ask Albus, as he tends to be much more rational than his little sister, but this isn't something I can go to him about. I'm scared to even talk to him about something as vanilla as the weather, which is dismal by the way, because he'll know something's wrong. Unfortunately not all boys are as blissfully oblivious as Lorcan… If Hugo or Albus get even a glimpse of me the interrogation will begin almost instantaneously.
God, I hate Malfoy. It's his fault that I'm lying to my boyfriend and avoiding my own family like the plague. He must have known how drunk I was… He took advantage! I should tell McGonagall, except then I would have to admit to the Firewhiskey… What is he trying to accomplish, anyway? He certainly can't want to kiss me; he's spent our entire Hogwarts career ensuring that I understand that he finds me revolting. So why kiss me in the first place? And why demand to do it again? I assume he's trying to convert me to the dark side… I honestly think he finds it criminal that some people actually believe in monogamy. Well I'm not doing it. I'm not even going to consider it anymore than I already have. It would be like selling myself! I'm not a prostitute for Heaven's sake! No, it's settled. Malfoy will just have to think of some other 'anything' for me to do, because digging myself a bigger hole and deepening my guilt is certainly not going to work.
-Rose Weasley. The almost prostitute.
A/N: So the story about the flaming marshmallow really did happen to me... And don't you imagine, when you're roasting marshmallows, that the sticks are kinda like wands and it would be great if wizards could stick marshmallows on the ends of them? No? Just me? Okay.
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