Disclaimer: Yet again, I own nothing. Everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

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Hope after all

The rain pounded heavily on the roof as lighting struck the clouded sky. It seemed like it had been raining for days, week's even months although I knew it had only been few hours. I hadn´t moved from my position, I didn´t want my family to see me like this; to see the man that I was afraid that I had become. A low knock on the door knocked me out of my miserable thoughts "Come in" I muttered. The door opened and closed softly. A familiar scent reached my senses. I had fallen in love with that scent. It had a trace of lavender and vanilla and something that was so sweet that no scent in the world could compare to it. Her light footsteps barely graced the hardwood floor as she drew nearer. She stopped by my side and kneeled down; her small hands stroked my shoulders carefully as if I would break. I relaxed under her touch and lifted my head up from my hands and looked at my wife´s beautiful face. Her expression was wary although I could trace worry in the depths of her golden eyes but there was also something in her expression that struck me, it seemed like she was hiding something from me.

I reached for her hand but she stood up and turned her back to me. I stood up carefully, after nearly a century of marriage there were few things we could keep away from each other.

I stood up and walked up to her "Esme love, what´s the matter?" I asked her carefully. She breathed deeply and turned around "What´s the matter? I can´t believe you even have to ask." She whispered as she turned around and glared at me angrily. At that moment something clicked in me, a realization.

What had I done? In all of the chaos around Edward and Bella´s homecoming I had forgotten my own wife. It hadn´t even occurred to me the pain she must be in when I knew better. I should have known that the news of Bella´s pregnancy would cause Esme pain. "Esme I´m so sorry, I didn´t think. God I´m so sorry." I whispered as I stepped closer but she took a step back. She lifted her hand in my direction and I stopped in my tracks dumbfounded. "Stop, let me speak" her voice frightened me; instead of the heartwarming, sweet voice I was used to. It was distant and cold as ice. "Esme, love…." I began but she cut me off "No I don´t want to hear it." I stopped and allowed her to continue. She took a deep, shaky breath "Today I found out that my son was going to have a baby then I find out few hours later that he and my husband are going to murder that child." She breathed heavily as if she was trying to control herself.

"My husband, who is so sweet and caring and loving, was going to murder an innocent child." Her voice broke at the last word. "Esme, sweetie we don´t know if it is a child" I began numbly.

"Stop, stop with the excuses. I know full well what it may be but think of the possibilities what if it is a child? A sweet, innocent child who needs to be loved and taken care of, could you kill it?" Her voice became urgent. I should have known that she would react that way. She bore wounds that would never heal; the wound of losing a child. Now that Bella was pregnant the old wounds opened up, as she craved for her lost child she could not bear to see Bella lose hers. The problem was that I wasn´t so sure that it was a baby she was carrying. Esme and Rosalie couldn´t understand the danger she was in, they couldn´t grasp the fact that the fetus might be something so frightening that I couldn´t bear to even think about it.

"Esme, please you must understand the risk. I know it hurts you but we have to think about Bella."

Her eyes hardened "You don´t think that I´m thinking about Bella?"

I bit my tongue, she had misunderstood me entirely. "No that´s not it, I do know how much you care about Bella but you need to understand what is at stake." I said carefully.

"I know full well what is at stake but I also know how it is to be a mother and I would do anything to save my child." She said harshly, her expression full of pain. "I know that and that is why I´m afraid for Bella because I know that she will do anything to save that child so she won´t think about her own safety." Esme opened her mouth to answer but I continued "You don´t know how much I hope that you are right, that it is indeed a child that Bella is carrying but there is evidence that it is not so." I tried to reason, make her understand. Her brow furrowed and I knew that she still stood firm on her believes.

"What do you mean Carlisle? What kind of evidence?"

I sighed "First of all there are myths and legends of human women who have carried a child, a vampire child but none of them survived as far as I know. Secondly there are signs that the fetus is growing more rapidly than a normal baby which means that it´s probable that it´s not a normal child. Bella´s body is too fragile to carry it for the whole pregnancy." I paused when I saw the puzzled expression on Esme´s face "What I´m trying to say is that Bella won´t be able to survive… she will die." I finished slowly.

She stared at me wide eyed "But there must be some kind of way…" she paused in shocked; she loved Bella as if she was her own. She stood there completely shaken for a few moments then her face brightened "What if she is changed right after she gives birth, then they will both survive."

I wished that her idea was right but then again the same idea had come to my mind earlier but that was before I saw Bella. "Esme you must understand that Bella´s body is too weak to carry the fetus and the worst thing is that it´s taking all her substance. If we don´t find a way she will die before she´ll be able to give birth." The hope that had lightened in her eyes dimmed. "But, can´t you do something? Can´t you find a way for her to survive this?" I nodded my head slowly "That´s what I´ve been trying to do but I need more time and I´m afraid that we don´t have enough time."

Esme looked confused at me "But… I thought that you were going to remove the child. I thought that you were going to kill it?" she whispered.

"Yes I was at first but then I didn´t know that Bella was so opposed to the idea. I would never be able to do it without her approval."

"But earlier you said…" she stuttered. "I said that there was a great risk and that I´m not ready to let her get killed by something that isn´t worth it." I explained to her.

"Not worth it? Carlisle you don´t know what it is." She whispered solemnly.

"No, I don´t but you don´t either. You haven´t seen what I have seen, I saw newborn vampire children when I stayed with the Volturi. Believe me when I say it, it´s not worth it." I wanted her to understand my view but she wouldn´t budge. She sighed and moved closer to me staring me straight in the eyes "Carlisle, could you believe that our Edward could conceive a monster" she looked at me meaningfully. I wanted to say no but my mind told me otherwise. We were vampires, although we weren´t monsters in that sense we had animalistic actions. She looked at me disappointingly when I didn´t answer. I sighed "Esme, I don´t know what to do. Everything seems so hopeless" I said bitterly.

"Since when haven´t you been a believer?" she looked taken aback. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair; my family put too much faith in my belief. "It´s not that I don´t believe, I just don´t know what to do and I´m afraid." I chocked on the last word. I was failing my entire family.

Esme looked at me sincerely, stepping closer to me the anger had disappeared and worry replaced it.

"I wish I knew how to help her, the uncertainty is killing me. Edward begged me to help him and I don´t even know how. I hate not knowing, I hate to fail my son." I admitted to her my voice showing more bitterness than I intended. I had lived through times where death was lurking in every corner where you had to guess what treatment you had to use. At that time people worked fast and blindly without knowing which direction to take. It felt like I was reliving those times, the doubts and uncertainty coming back. It was like staying blindfolded in and endless pit of darkness searching for the light, knowing that it was a hopeless search.

Esme brushed her fingers against my forehead and moved them slowly down my cheek until they touched my lips. I closed my eyes and simply enjoyed the comforting touch. "I´m sorry, I…I didn´t know how much this is hurting you. I also wish that we could find a way to save Bella but only time will tell what will happen. We´ll just have to be patient and support her through this." She whispered soothingly. I knew that she had good intensions but she couldn´t grasp the fact that time was so little, every minute was precious. I opened my eyes and met Esme´s golden ones, I shook my head slightly "I´m afraid that time is against us." She nodded her head slowly while she took my hand into her small ones, squeezing it in reassurance. We stayed silent for a while, seeking comfort in each other.

"I heard what Edward said to you" she said sadly, putting an end to the silence. I nodded my head stiffly.

"You know he didn´t mean it, he´s just scared for Bella and he expressed his anger on you." Of course I knew it but that didn´t take the fact that he had said those words, knowing full well what they meant, what feelings they would provoke. She squeezed my hand reassuringly "He needs you Carlisle. We all need you" she looked at me meaningfully. "I know. I just wish that I had the same faith in myself that you have."

"I know you Carlisle. You will find a way, you always do" she said these words with such hope and devotion that it made my long dead heart swell. I smiled at her warily "You have too much faith in me, you always have." She smiled at me coyly "You´re unbelievable" she rolled her eyes. "What?" I asked her smirking. She grinned at me "You´re such a flirt, you know that?"

"Who? Me?" I asked her innocently, I didn´t understand how she could possibly see flirting out of this conversation.

"Yes you, Dr. Cullen" she giggled. Then her face turned serious again "I know this is hard for you, but you must realize that you can´t give up, because if you will then there is no hope for the rest of us."

I smiled sadly at her "Then I´ll promise you that I will find a way, no matter what." I said reassuringly.

"How?" she looked at me soulfully.

I placed my chin on top of her hair "We must hope, if it´s only a fool´s hope" I whispered. She looked up at me hopefully. There would be a way, there had to be a way. "I love you" she whispered against my neck. I smiled at her "I love you too" I said while leaning down to capture her lips with my own. The kiss was short but it held everything that we couldn´t express in words. It held a reassurance that everything would be all right, we would survive. Esme had given me the faith I had lacked for the past couple of days. We broke apart slowly, her lips curled up into a smile. "What are you smiling at Mrs. Cullen?" I whispered into her ear, deepening my voice. Her smile widened "Oh just thinking about how much I love my husband and how lucky I am to have him" I raised my eyebrows "Well, he sounds like a lucky man, I don´t think he deserves a wife like you." She sighed "Don´t be so hard on yourself Carlisle." Her brows creased as she looked at me "I´m sorry about earlier, I should have known that you wouldn´t do anything against Bella´s wishes. I was just so afraid and I didn´t think, can you forgive me?" She bit her lip, which she did when she was nervous. When she did that she reminded me of the sixteen year old girl I treated all those years ago. I brought her closer to me and kissed her hair "Of course, there is nothing to forgive. If there is anyone that should beg for forgiveness then it´s me, can you forgive me?"

"Of course" she sighed then she added "We both made a mistake, we all did and now we must stand together." She was right, she usually was when it came to our family but I wasn´t sure that the other members would agree. But that´s what I was here for, I knew they would listen to me although none of them would admit it in a thousand years. We stayed interlocked for few peaceful moments until she broke away. "I think I heard Bella downstairs, I´m going to check on her." She gave me a chaste kiss before leaving the room. I was alone yet again, so I decided to continue my research. I sat down on my leather chair and searched through my notes which lay in a mess on my desk. As I was sorting through the papers an old book came in view. It seemed that Milton refused to leave me alone. Paradise lost lay open under a medical journal. I lifted it up carefully and was about to close it when my eyes lay on the familiar passage:

This having learnt, thou hast attained the sum
Of Wisdom; hope no higher, though all the Stars
Thou knew'st by name, and all th' ethereal Powers,
All secrets of the deep, all Nature's works,
Or works of God in Heav'n, Air, Earth, or Sea,
And all riches of this World enjoy'dst,
And all the rule, one Empire: only add
Deeds to thy knowledge answerable, add Faith,
Add Virtue, Patience, Temperance, add Love,
By name to come called Charity, the soul
Of all the rest: then wilt though not be loth
To leave this Paradise, but shalt possess
A paradise within thee, happier far.
(XII.575–587)

I stared at the passage, was fate playing tricks with me or was I so overcome with emotion and desperation that everything reminded me of the dreadful situation my family was in. Don´t fool yourself Carlisle it will do you no good. I sighed and closed the book slowly.

I stood up and placed the weary book in its place and walked towards the window that had a view over the forest. The sky was brightening up as the sun woke up from its slumber and rose higher illuminating the sky with warm colors of red and orange. I marveled at the sight before me, the ancient text refused to leave my thoughts. Those words had always meant something for me but I had never grasped the true effect of it. While I was standing there the first rays of the sun captured the window and lightened up the room with brilliant light a new feeling rose in my heart, a realization of sorts. I had lived in the endless pit of darkness but now I could see it, a light. It was small but it was there nonetheless. A new hope that I had been searching for, it was small but it was there. If God was indeed merciful then he must have mercy for this family and I had to have the faith to believe in that. I would find a way for us, we just had to hope and pray to God that he would spare us. As I thought of this a small smile crept on my lips, there was hope after all, a ray of hope in the darkness.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I might continue if I get enough feedback. I had my doubts about how Esme reacted in this chapter but no matter how I changed it I came back to this version. I hope that she doesn´t sound too angry and to out of character but people do act differently under pressure and stress so I think it´s more realistic to have her react this way. The passage is from Paradise lost and this is just how I understood it. Of course I did it from Carlile´s thinking. If anyone disagrees with this view please comment on it. Thank you for reading and please review :)