Disclaimer: Yet again I don´t own anything, everything belongs to Stephenie meyer.
Enjoy!
From now on
The last rays of sun disappeared beneath the horizon as the darkness took over making the sky seem like it was on fire. I had always been fascinated with this time of the hour; it showed Gods most brilliant artwork, when the sun faded beneath the horizon painting the sky with various different colors of yellow, orange and red. When I was younger my father used to tell me that the sky was Gods canvas and he would paint the sky with the most brilliant colors nature had to offer. I used to envision a white clothed man with a long white beard holding a pencil, painting the sky.
As I watched nature´s most brilliant painting unfold before my eyes I couldn´t help but feel the presence of God closer to me. I felt privilege to be able to see that vision every day for eternity.
Nature had always fascinated me; it seemed chaotic in an organized way. It was just one more proof that something superior existed in this world, something that had created it. Nature was god´s fingerprint, the proof of this world´s existence.
This was one of the few things I and Edward agreed on, it was remarkable how our views would clash at times but on this one thing we were both certain. I chuckled at the thought, ouonly to feel emptiness in the core of my heart. Edward hadn´t talked to me since he had said those hurtful things, the worst part was that he knew that I had already forgiven him. I had forgiven him the moment he said it yet he didn´t seem willing to speak with me. I had decided to leave him alone; I had known him for such a long time that I knew better than to provoke any more anger. But these last hours I began to wonder whether it was the right decision, I used to treat him like a grownup but I started to wonder how I could when he was acting like the teenager he really was. After all he was still in many ways still a seventeen year old who needed guidance, no matter how much he denied it he knew it was the truth.
I sighed trying to clear my mind. I felt like I was walking in endless circles through the endless conflicts of my family members. It had only been two days since my last conversation with Esme and it felt like eternity. The days had fallen into a routine which consisted of staying as neutral as possible, acting like nothing had occurred after Edward and Bella´s return. Jasper and Emmett glued themselves to the TV screen or the chess board. Although they would seem convincing to human eyes I saw their anxious glances towards Bella. I truly felt sorry for poor Emmett when his wife´s full attention was towards Bella. He was as confused as the rest of us when Rosalie decided to help Bella and he didn´t know where his place was in this case. He didn't want to provoke Rosalie´s anger and he didn´t want to side against Edward so he decided to lay low. Jasper couldn´t handle the conflicting emotions around him so he decided to hang out with Emmett who´s emotions were easily balanced.
As predicted, Rosalie didn´t budge from Bella´s side. She hissed if anyone dared to come too near Bella and glared furiously at Edward every now and then. Esme wasn´t able to hide her anxiety as well as the others, keeping herself occupied with cooking for Bella and cleaning the house. In between cooking five times more than she needed to and cleaning the house until you could see your reflection through every window she tried to find something to occupy herself with.
The only person who wasn´t trying to pretend everything was all right, was Edward, he lurked in the farthest corner of the room keeping his eyes fixed on Bella. He tried to keep his face neutral but it appeared cold and blank like he was an empty shell. However he couldn´t fool anyone, behind the cold exterior he was aching, burning, breaking inside. His eyes held so much pain that it was unbearable to watch. Worst of all he didn´t want to talk to anyone but Bella. It was just a matter of time that he would break down, every minute was a battle and my heart ached to see him like this.
If there was anyone who had the faintest feeling how Edward felt, was Alice. She had withdrawn herself completely from the conflicts. She disappeared for hours then came back home and hurried off to her room. I knew that she was having problems herself, it seemed that she couldn´t see past the fetus, making it impossible for her to see the outcome of this. This fact puzzled me greatly although it was yet another evidence that the fetus was not entirely human. It was hard to watch the light hearted Alice turn into a ghost of herself. I knew it hurt her to be so far from Bella who had become her best friend but she couldn´t stand being close to the fetus.
When night fell the tables turned. After Bella had fallen asleep everything changed. Instead of the sounds of videogames came silence. It was as if the darkness drowned all sound and my family lurked in the darkness of our home. Nighttime used to be the only time when we didn´t have to hide but it seemed that everything had changed. Now it seemed that every member of my family tried to hide, every day a masquerade of emotions and reality.
While my family was lurking in the darkness I took residence in my study trying to find something that might help us with the situation Bella was in. It seemed to be the only place I could escape the endless darkness surrounding us, that and the hospital. But even the hospital couldn´t hide me from the darkness. Every move I made seemed desperate, every night I went through my books and internet references only to end up empty handed. For the first time in century´s books failed me, I had exhausted the search system on my computer. Every lead towards the truth led me to nothing, but I didn´t give up because if I would it would be the beginning of the end. My family would lose all hope of saving Bella; I was the last straw that kept their hopes alive, that everything would turn out fine, that we could save Bella. However I knew that Bella needed a miracle to survive this but I wouldn´t give up, not until I knew for certain that we wouldn´t be able to do anything. In the meantime I would have to watch my family crumble to pieces and that was a problem I couldn't solve by myself. I wished that this would all disappear, that Bella would jump up and say that it was all just a joke and then we would all laugh and forget about it. I wished for so many things.
I wanted my family back. I wanted to hear the laughter of my children, I wanted to see my wife smile at some silly joke Emmett would say. I wanted to watch my daughter dance through the house singing to a song Edward had composed. I wanted to see my son by the piano, hammering on the soft keys a melody. I couldn´t stand the emptiness of the house. Instead of my children´s laughter there was endless silence. Instead of dancing across the living room Alice shut herself in her bedroom and Edward´s grand piano had collected dust.
I wanted to shout at the sky and cry out "Why us? What have we done to deserve this? I have prayed and begged yet you don´t listen to my prayers, what can I do?" But I knew that it wasn´t my place to question Him. Terrible things happened in the world whether I liked it or not and I just had to accept that fact. I couldn´t forget all the things I had received in life, I had a wonderful wife and six children who were better than I deserved. I had started to take it all for granted and I wondered how I could watch my family crumble to pieces. I had to do something, I couldn´t just sit idly by and do nothing.
I stood up from my office chair and walked out of my study. I decided to do something I should have done long time ago. I walked downstairs to the living room meeting the same scene I watched last night. Rosalie sat in the darkness watching over Bella, Esme sat in a chair beside her stroking Bella´s hair carefully. Esme was the only one allowed to touch Bella in the exception of me when I had to examine her. Jasper and Emmett sat by the living room table, playing a silent chess. Alice was nowhere to be seen and in the farthest corner of the room sat Edward still like a statue. His eyes were pitch black, dark purple circles formed under his eyes which happened every time our kind was thirsty. I walked straight towards him my intention clear. I stopped right in front of him and kneeled down beside him. He didn´t show any sign of movement. I took one of his arms kindly and lifted him up, he didn´t show any sign of protest as I led him towards the doorway. I led him to the forest searching for something appetizing enough. Five minutes later a deer lay by Edward´s feet but he didn´t show any intention of drinking. I walked patiently towards him and placed my hand on his shoulder "you need to drink son, you can´t be around Bella like this." I said kindly but firmly. I patted his back before he kneeled down and drunk from the dead animal. I turned around and let him drink in peace. I stood there in silence for a while.
"Why did you do this?" I heard him ask, I turned around. He had straightened up; the dead deer lay by his feet. He looked like a tortured angel, his eyes were no longer black but golden, his hair was disheveled and his clothes crumpled. I walked carefully towards him "Edward, you can´t go on like this. I can´t watch you break down like this. Think about Bella." I pleaded with him but my words seemed to make it worse. "Do you think that I´m not thinking about Bella?" he spat, his eyes flying daggers.
"That´s not what I meant, she is experiencing a hard time and she needs you by her side…"
"I am by her side, every single minute but I can´t get past her bodyguard, thanks to you." He replied angrily.
"You may be at her side physically but mentally you are distraught. I see you hover in the corner in misery and I can´t watch you do that to Bella, to yourself. I may not be your father but I care for you as such and I can´t let you do this." I said firmly, this had gone too far, he wasn´t thinking straight. Edward glared at me furiously. "I am not thinking straight?" he replied to my thoughts. "I am not the one who stabbed you in the back while your wife is on her deathbed."
"Edward, I am terribly sorry for that. You know I couldn't just force her into getting rid of the fetus. You know me better than that." I stepped closer to him but he backed away. "You weren´t thinking about Bella, you were thinking about yourself, so you couldn´t stain your hands with "innocent" blood."
"This is enough Edward." I caught him off; his eyes were delirious as he continued. "No, I can´t do this. She is dying, my Bella is dying because of my doing and when I am trying to make everything right you come in the way and stop it." His voice lowered as he fell on his knees his form trembling. I walked towards his form. "I didn´t mean to hurt you Edward, it was never my intention. I thought it was the right thing to do." I said quietly as I watched my son's shoulders shake. I wanted to embrace him and comfort him but I feared of his reaction. Edward didn´t say anything. The darkness hovered over us; the only light came from the full moon above the trees, a single star shone above it.
"I just thought that you understood me" Edward finally whispered. "When Esme lay broken in the morgue you barely thought of what she had been through, why she was there you just acted on the whim, because you loved her. You loved her so much that you couldn´t bear to leave her alone, yet you barely knew her. I don´t want Bella to risk her life for something that´s not worth it. I want her with me forever and I know that I´m being selfish but I can´t bear it. I lost her once and I won´t lose her again." He didn´t look at me when he said it, I guess that he was too ashamed of his emotions.
I thought of the fateful moment when I saw her in the morgue. Her once youthful, carefree features had disappeared and before me lay a broken woman. Her body was broken beyond repair; her beautiful face was covered in purple bruises and dry blood. Edward was right; I had acted on the whim although I didn´t realize it at the time I had feelings for her. If I hadn´t acted so carelessly I would be alone and Esme would be dead and from that retrospect I didn´t regret a thing. The reason Edward brought did not come unnoticed by me. "That was different, she had nothing to lose, it was death or this. Bella has something to lose, something she is willing to sacrifice herself for and she needs your support." Edward growled angrily. "You really don´t get it." He stood up and walked few yards.
"Edward" I begged but he turned around. "Just leave me be" he muttered. I marveled whether I should leave him there, he seemed so vulnerable that I barely had the heart in me to leave him all alone but I knew that he wanted to be alone so I decided to leave him with his thoughts.
I turned around and started to walk away when I heard Edward speak
"Have you ever thought about what would have happened if you had stayed in Ashland? If Esme had become pregnant with the thing you created would you be able to sit by and watch it murder her? Would you be able to live with yourself?"
I stopped in my tracks and looked at him. This was a question I had asked myself, it was one of the reason why I was so quick to help Edward. I had experienced a trace of the loss he experienced when he left Bella last year. I had been in Ashland for nearly ten years and I had planned to leave when I met a 16 year old girl who fell out of a tree. I admit that I fell for her immediately, the blush on her cheeks and the caramel shade of her curly hair. The laughter which made something stir in my long dead heart which I didn´t know existed. I was afraid of it, afraid that I might do something that I would regret so I fled to Chicago. When I left something happened that I didn´t know was possible, I felt ache in my heart, a dreadful thing that wouldn´t leave. Although I tried to distract myself with work my mind kept wandering to the young girl I had treated, no matter how hard I tried to get rid of her face in my mind I couldn´t. It was as if she had taken a bit of my heart and crushed it between her small hands.
I used to think of the alternative, what if I would have stayed in Ashland? Would we have fallen in love? What if she would have become pregnant? I had thought about it a lot lately, would I have reacted like Edward? Would I do everything to save her from death? Undoubtedly but then again I wouldn´t know whether it would be the death for her and the same could be said about Edward.
"You would have let her die?" Edward snarled, I turned around and looked at my son. "No, I wouldn´t have let her die. I would have respected her wishes because I couldn´t do it to her, I wouldn´t be able to take the one thing away which she wanted the most." Edward stared at me uncertainly.
"But then again I can´t say because in the end I don´t know how I would react. We always think that we know how we would react to certain things but when it comes to it we don´t have a clue."
I smiled reassuringly at him "I am not going to tell you how to act Edward; I trust that you will do the right thing but a small form of advice; be there for her. You can´t change the course of events, it´s not in our place to change the fate of the world. Try to make the best out of the situation by supporting her." Edward looked uncertainly at me, the anger had disappeared from his eyes and he seemed to be calmer. "I know this is difficult for you but don´t give up son, remember I am always there for you." I patted his back reassuringly and surprisingly he didn´t brush it away. Instead he looked down shamefully "I´m sorry Carlisle." He muttered. "There´s nothing to forgive Edward" I said reassuringly.
Edward sighed in frustration "why do you keep forgiving me? I keep thinking that I have drawn the last straw and here you stand as forgiving as ever. Why?" I could see the shame in his eyes and I knew like I had always known that he regretted his actions. "Because you are my son and I care about you. Your words did hurt me but you know that you always have my forgiveness." Edward sighed with irritation "but I´m not Carlisle. I´m not your son although I pretend to be, you don´t have any reasons to forgive me." He said anger now evident in his eyes. "No but I care for you as if you are and you are having a hard time." Edward shook his head in frustration. "I wanted to ask you for my forgiveness. I should have been by your side when I wasn´t" I said quietly. "I forgive you." He said quietly then adding "I´m sorry about what I said to you. That you had failed me because you haven´t."
The memory flooded to my mind before I could control it. "You have failed me Carlisle" I heard his voice whisper in my head.
Edward looked down shamefully "I am sorry Carlisle, I didn´t think and I was so angry that I just…I…I, I don´t know." He said shamefully running a hand through his hair. At times like these I was reminded yet again that Edward was still a teenager. I squeezed his shoulder in assurance "Edward, I know how you feel, don´t worry I forgive you." I patted him on the shoulder. "I think we should return home" I murmured and Edward nodded his head in agreement. We made our way slowly towards the path back to the house. We walked in silence as my mind began to wander towards the scene that would be waiting us at home. I glanced at my son and thought how our family had changed in the course of few days. "I hate it too" Edward´s voice dragged me out of my thoughts. "I hate how we have changed. I hate the fact that it is all because of me." I shook my head "It´s not because of you. This is just an unfortunate event we need to find a way out of." I said reassuringly.
Five minutes later we had reached the house; it seemed that no one was home as we opened the front door. As I had predicted nothing had changed in the house, Bella was fast asleep and Emmett and Jasper sat at the same game of chess staring numbly at the walls.
I began to wonder if anything would change in the nearest future, as I walked towards my office I met Edward´s eyes for a brief minute. His eyes showed understanding and warmth I hadn´t seen for such a long time and I realized that at least one thing had changed. I gave him a brief smile before I retreated towards my office yet again. I shut the office door carefully behind myself. I stood behind my office chair sighing as I rubbed my hands over my temple. My eyes took in the mess on my office desk, several books were piled up in the corner and dozens of papers lay scattered across the desk. I started to organize the ocean of papers on my desk when my eyes stumbled across a photo frame under the pile. I took it up and realized it was one of the pictures from the wedding. To anyone it would look like the regular family photo but to me it was so much more. In the middle of the picture stood Edward and Bella, their faces were content and happy. It seemed like such a long time ago since I saw my son like this. I couldn´t help but wonder whether I would ever get to see that look on his face, the utter happiness he had never experienced before he met Bella. Would I ever get to see my son happy again?
My eyes took in the rest of the family and I realized that it was the first time my family felt complete. Every single soul had found their mate and for the first time everyone on the picture was smiling.
I wished for that same family on the picture yet I knew that we would never be the same, whether it was for the good or the bad.
As I placed the picture beside the wedding picture of me and Esme I realized that this would not make the end of the family. After all this time together I was determined to keep us together.
For the first time in weeks I sat down and prayed. I prayed for my family, for Bella´s safety. I prayed for a miracle, a miracle that would save us from this all. I hoped that my cries of help could be heard by God and that he would send a guardian angel to our aid.
In the distance a wolf howled as the sun rose above the darkness for a new day.
A/N: Thank you so much for reading. This chapter was very hard for me because I felt like the story is rather slow at this point. Stephenie left a gap in Breaking Dawn between Bella´s POV and Jacob´s. I wanted to show how hard this is for the entire family, I felt like Stephenie left out most of the Cullen´s in Breaking Dawn so I wanted to show how desperate their situation is. I know this is all very angsty but I had to make Edward and Carlisle talk before Jacob came into the story.
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