A/N: WOOO Completed goal of 100 reviews! Thanks so much, I feel so accomplished :) Although, believe it or not, the other night I had a dream that I got a nasty, nasty flame and it traumatized me! So every time I got a new message in my inbox I was nervous! But thanks for keeping them all so sweet :)

What's more romantic than a little Eminem? … Okay, fair enough, lot's of things.

Now I know we said things, did things

That we didn't mean

And we fall back into the same patterns

Same routine

But your temper's just as bad as mine is

You're the same as me

-Love the Way you Lie, Eminem

December 9

Have you ever said something that you completely didn't mean? And I'm not talking about just a lie. I mean saying something that you really, truly, wished you could take back the second you said it? Why do I do stuff like this? My tongue is determined to see me miserable; it won't stop destroying all my chances of potential romantic bliss.

I am fairly certain that I have just completely blown any chance I ever had with Scorpius Malfoy. This whole mess could have turned out differently if I hadn't been so petty, and so passive aggressive and so goddamn stupid. I maybe could have actually had him. And I threw him away.

Why?

My heart feels so heavy. I know that 'heavy-hearted' is a common expression, and all, but I had never really considered it literally before. I'd wager it weighs more than my Russian dictionary novel. I don't think I can leave my bed; even writing in you is exhausting right now.

And for once I can't even blame anyone else. This one was entirely my fault, and I deserve to be miserable for all eternity for my idiocy and my inability to control my mouth.

Do you really wanna know what happened?

I don't quite fancy writing it down. That would require me to relive the whole scenario and keep torturing myself. But what the Hell. I'm sure you're just so curious about what I could possibly have done to screw myself over this time. Be patient, my hand is shaking. And I'm crying. Again.

Malfoy and I had an argument. Or I argued with him, I suppose would be more accurate. I think it is safe to say that he has forgotten all of the nasty things I said about him to Lily in the corridor (Thank Goodness he is so arrogant, otherwise he never would have recovered so quickly). Due to our 'fighting over him', he has come to the conclusion that the insults did not come from my heart, and that it is clear that I enjoy his company immensely.

I'm actually surprised it took him so long to catch on to that. Ah well, I suppose one can't be beautiful and smart. That just wouldn't be fair.

Moving on. He told me he wanted to 'chat'. Though really this chat simply consisted of him smugly lording it over me that, despite everything he had ever done or said to me, I still wanted him. Which unfortunately is entirely accurate, but it was vexing nevertheless. Merlin, you should have seen the look on his face; he was just bursting with amusement at my expense.

Except now, looking back… I don't think my humiliation was the only reason he was behaving like a little kid at Christmas. I think he really was glad that I have feelings for him. Which… wouldn't that mean he had feelings for me too? Unless he is simply so sadistic and hateful that he was anticipating breaking my heart with intense joy. But he's not, I know he's not. Sure, he has quite a few personal flaws, but he is not bad. He doesn't enjoy hurting people, he doesn't like seeing them upset.

Don't ask me how I know this; I have no proof whatsoever. I'm not gonna spout some story about how I found him helping someone in need out of the goodness of his heart or whatever, because I never have. It's just a feeling. You know how it's possible to have feelings about people? For whatever reason, you can just tell if they're trouble, or you can just feel that you can trust them, even if you have no reason to? It's like that.

I feel like maybe, just maybe, he was genuinely happy to know that I enjoy his presence to the point where it drives me mad. And before I could even clue in to this, I go ahead and destroy everything.

If I had just thought, for one second before I shouted at him… Isn't it ironic that I spend the majority of my time over thinking and exhausting my poor brain, and then in the few instances where it might actually be useful to operate it, I just throw caution to the wind and become the biggest idiot to grace the halls of Hogwarts?

I snapped when he said the dreaded word. Better. Yes, I know this word is fairly common in the English language, and if I continue to lose my head every time it is uttered I will most likely end up in Azkaban before I reach the age of twenty, but whenever I hear it my blood just boils and I just go right back to that awful party, that awful moment, and bad, bad things happen.

He was gloating about how it was 'perfectly understandable for me to be smitten with him, he was, after all, much better-looking than that pansy Lorna (I assume he meant Lorcan)'. And I was reminded of Lily. And how they snogged. And how he enjoyed it more than he enjoyed snogging me and how could that be possible when snogging him was the best feeling I had ever had? Seriously, better even than hot cocoa on a cold day. And we all know how wonderful that is.

And I went off.

I ranted about how he was completely mistaken about my feelings for him, and that the only reason Lily and I were fighting was because I couldn't believe she could possibly want someone like him. It was a disgrace, did she not care about what her family would think at all? A Death-Eaters son. A Malfoy.

I can't believe I said any of that. It kind of feels like it must have been a dream; there is no way I could really have spat such hostile words at him. Why did I say those things? They were so cruel. Worse than anything he's ever said to me. At least I have the memory of the look on his face to ground me to reality if I start to think that none of that actually happened.

He was hurt. I know he was. And why wouldn't he be? I attacked him. For no reason. Other than my blinding jealousy of his preference for my cousin. He hurt me and, okay, maybe I wanted to hurt him back – but not this much. I'm fairly certain those were unforgivable words; he's struggled to lose that reputation since the day he set foot in this school. He's always been judged, been prejudiced against because of his family, because of things he had absolutely no control over.

I feel nauseous.

Do you want to know the absolute worst part of all of this? I'm getting the terrible, terrible notion that maybe none of my jealousy was ever necessary. Because for all his taunts that she was a better snog, he never initiated anything with her. She's not the one he follows around after class, she's not the one he torments at every possible moment. She's not the one he's been taunting about having feelings for him, or the one he's exhilarated to have fighting over him.

I am.

Or at least, I was. I think I have successfully destroyed any and all connections between us. After the look on his face… I'll be surprised if he ever speaks to me again, and I don't blame him. I have the horrible feeling that this isn't fixable.

But it has to be, right?

If it can be broken, then it can be fixed. I'm just gonna have to take control of the situation; be brave and swallow my pride and apologize. And… tell the truth? Because that worked out so well last time.

But what have I got to lose, really?

-Rose Weasley. The Girl who is More Evil than Voldemort.

A/N: Plenty of Scor/Rose interaction! Though not… entirely… positive. But what fun would it be if it was simple and easy?

This story is winding down though, there won't be too many more chapters. Tear. What am I going to do with myself when it's finished?

Review if you've ever said something horrible in the heat of the moment :)