Dancing With the Demons

by redsrule1

Ensemble humor story with most characters from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. Nine couples, One winner. Who will be the champions of the Demon world?

5. Results Show 1

Title: Dancing With the Demons, Results Show 1
Author: redsrule1
Fandoms: Buffy, Angel, Dancing With the Stars
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I did not make up the characters, shows, the Waltz, or the Cha Cha. I just borrow them. However, I can teach you any of the moves portrayed in the show.
Pairings: Gen
Characters: Just about everyone
Author's Notes: Thanks as always to yourlibrarian for beta-ing above and beyond the call
Summary: Nine couples, ONE winner, and you decide who will be the champion!

Music strikes a low, dramatic chord and sustains it throughout the opening.

ANNOUNCER
After five weeks of training, our nine couples hit the floor, to the delight of the crowd!

Clip from the previous Episode
SPIKE leads FAITH into a series of sharp, quick spins. At the end of the last spin, FAITH stops inches from SPIKE's face and with a suggestive tick of the head they both blow each other a kiss. The CROWD squees and applauds.

Clip ends.

ANNOUNCER
But controversy struck in the very first episode!

Episode clip
LILAH and ANGEL stand with LORNE in front of the Judges' Table.

WESLEY
If you invoke Fred again, I'll see to it that you're out of the competition.

A hush falls over the CROWD. ANGEL looks sharply at LILAH at the mention of Fred's name. LILAH stares at WESLEY defiantly, with a knowing smirk on her face..

Clip ends.

ANNOUNCER
And a surprise leader emerged from the pack!

Episode Clip.
ILLYRIA stands beside CLEM and BUFFY. CLEM is bouncing excitedly. BUFFY is smiling, as much from pride as from amusement at CLEM's reaction. CLEM throws his arms around BUFFY as an edited audio clip of the judges' scores is superimposed.

DRUSILLA
Nine.

WESLEY
Nine.

OZ
Nine.

Clip ends.

ANNOUNCER
Were your votes enough to keep the leaders on top? Or did you rescue the couples at the bottom? WHO will be eliminated? We'll find out as one couple goes home tonight on DANCING WITH THE DEMONS!

Cue theme music. The same video introductions which opened the first episode play, then the live camera pans across eight couples plus GLORY, all wearing their dance costumes, and standing on the stage.

ANNOUNCER
Live, from Hollywood! This is DANCING WITH THE DEMONS: THE RESULTS!

Music ends. Cut to LORNE and ILLYRIA standing at the side of the dance floor.

LORNE
Hello, and welcome to Dancing With The Demons: The Results! I'm Lorne, your host!

ILLYRIA
Scowls at LORNE. Do they not already know who we are? Were they not paying attention?

LORNE
Heh. And that's our Illyria.

ILLYRIA
God-king of the Primordium.

LORNE raises an eyebrow at ILLYRIA.

ILLYRIA cont.
They should remember the most important information.

LORNE
Shaking his head, smiling. Your votes are in, and they've been combined with the Judges' scores. All that remains is to announce the results.

ILLYRIA
That is correct, Lorne. And yet the producers will have us waste time on meaningless segments of duboius interest in order to fill up the broadcast time allotted to us.

LORNE
And we're gonna go to one of those segments right now! While our couples were dancing and getting comments from the judges, we took our cameras and microphones out into the audience to see what they thought! Let's listen!

Cut to montage of Audience Interview Clips.
---------------------------------------------------------------

JOYCE SUMMERS and PRINCIPAL SNYDER stand facing the camera with the dance floor in the background.

SNYDER
It's disgusting! Raising the dead and having them dance with these-- these-- delinquents. And raising us from the dead to have us watch. We must be in hell.

JOYCE
Well, I think it's great. And my Buffy's in first place! Oh, if only she'd taken up dancing in ninth grade instead of Slaying! And Rupert did a nice job as well.

SNYDER
You think so? I didn't.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

GRONX, DREG, and JINX

DREG
I think that her Most Holy Glorificus will crush the competition.

JINX
Yes, but will she dance better than the rest?

DREG
Well, that's kind of what I meant.

JINX
Her Most High Dancer will both crush and dance better than her opponents!

DREG
That one didn't sound quite right. It sounds like she's been dipping into the ritual herbs.

GRONX
Quietly. I like Spike.
------------------------------------------------------------

MAYOR WILKINS and D'HOFFRYN

MAYOR WILKINS
My Faith danced beautifully. And I disagree, I thought her costume was just fine. It was modest and pretty, just like her.

D'HOFFRYN
It was indeed a nice costume. And Anyanka's costume was quite pretty as well.

MAYOR WILKINS
See, that's the trouble with these kids nowadays. They can't appreciate beauty and understatement. Everything has to be extreme-- the dances have to be "bolder", the costumes have to be shorter.

D'HOFFRYN
I agree. Either you can dance or you can't. There's no need for revealing costumes.

MAYOR WILKINS
Precicely! Now, just look at that Witch's skimpy costume--

D'HOFFRYN
I was.

MAYOR WILKINS
--parading around like a harlot. I wouldn't want to see my Faith dressed like that.

D'HOFFRYN
I would.
------------------------------------------------

Montage ends.

LORNE
But here comes the moment you've all been waiting for! We can now reveal, in no particular order, the results for three of our couples.

ILLYRIA
Cocks her head as she reads the teleprompter. You are correct, Lorne. Scoffs. Except for the implication that we were unable to do so until now.

LORNE
Gunn and Cordelia!

Cut to a close up of GUNN and CORDELIA as a spotlight hits them. CORDELIA flashes an Oscar-worthy smile.

LORNE cont.
The judges thought you could have worked harder. But did you work hard enough for the audience?

LORNE pauses. After a couple seconds, ILLYRIA turns her head to look at LORNE, eyes narrowed, and examines him intently.

ILLYRIA
To LORNE. You are supposed to continue reading the teleprompter.

LORNE cont.
You did! You're going on to the next round!

CROWD cheers. CORDELIA gives GUNN a celebratory hug as the spotlight fades from them.

ILLYRIA
Your most Magnificent Glorificus!

The spotlight hits GLORY, and she smiles, basking in it.

ILLYRIA cont.
Waving her hand dismissively. And that unworthy human shell you inhabit. Reading teleprompter, but also embellishing a bit. Two of the three judges were incapable of appreciating your most sublime presentation. Was the audience any less ignorant? No they were not. You are in the bottom two.

GLORY
As spotlight fades. WHAT! Those ungrateful-- Her microphone is cut.

LORNE
Lilah and Angel!

Close up of LILAH and ANGEL as the spotlight hits them. ANGEL flinches at the sudden bright light, then catches himself. SPIKE laughs.

LORNE cont.
Drusilla predicted that you would continue to the next round. Did the audience's votes prove her right?

ILLYRIA
Of course they did. The female half-breed has the sight. What kind of question is that?

LORNE sighs and shrugs his shoulders.

LORNE
They did. You are moving on to the next round.

CROWD cheers. LILAH throws her arms wide to give ANGEL a congratualtory hug, but he ignores her. She throws her arms around him anyway.

LORNE
We'll announce some more results in a moment. But first, we have our "Slime-Feast Challenge!" As we've seen, ballroom dancing is good exercise and a great way to lose weight. And we all know that a good diet including Slim-Fast shakes is a delicious way for humans to lose weight. What we want to find out is will dancing and a Slim-Fast diet help demons lose weight? What do you think, Illyria?

ILLYRIA
I think this is merely a contrived event for the purpose of enticing gullible humans to purchase our sponsor's product. It will give our sponsor a competitive advantage over the makers of similar products, and is therefore a worthy investment on the sponsor's part.

LORNE
No more open-ended questions for you, Blueberry. And speaking of blueberries, Slim-Fast now comes in a delicious new "Blueberry" flavor! But she's right, it is a worthy investment, and Slim-Fast is going to produce a new line of products for demons called "Slime-Feast"! To try it out, we're gonna give one lucky demon a Slime-Feast diet and ballroom dance lessons! Our cameras were there when the demon was selected.

Cut to film.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

A dark sewage tunnel. A large YARBNIE demon lumbers along, sipping on the straw of a giant convenience store soft drink marked "The Chug." The sound of the YARBNIE slurping the drink is the only sound that can be heard until a metallic clank sounds.

YARBNIE
Hello? Wh-who's there, please?

Receiving no answer, the YARBNIE turns and waddles hurriedly away. He is hit from behind by a barrage of bright lights, which illuminate the entire sewer.

YARBNIE cont.
D-don't hurt me, please!

The YARBNIE tries to move faster, dropping "The Chug."

VOICE
From off camera. Stop! Don't worry! We're not going to hurt you.

YARBNIE
Stops, looks cautiously around toward the voice. Wh- what do you want? You made me drop my "Chug."

A hand extends into camera range, holding a "Slime-Feast" can out toward the demon.

VOICE
We want you to try drinking this delicious Slime-Feast shake instead. We're going to help you lose weight with Slime-Feast and Ballroom Dancing!

Hands shove microphones toward the demon. The demon turns to flee.

YARBNIE
Running away Yaaaaaah!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Film ends. Cut to LORNE and ILLYRIA.

ILLYRIA
Do not be alarmed. We have captured the demon and the promotion will continue as scheduled.

LORNE
With the Yarbnie's consent, I might add! And we'll check back in next week as the ballroom training begins. Right now, we can reveal the results for three more couples! Spike and Faith!

A spotlight hits SPIKE and FAITH, and SPIKE is unable to resist flinching at the bright light. ANGEL chuckles, and SPIKE glares at him.

LORNE cont.
The judges liked your routine but felt there was room for improvement. Was the audience vote enough to give you a chance to make those improvements?

ILLYRIA
The half-breed predicted this result as well, and--

LORNE
Shhhh!

ILLYRIA's eyes widen at the audacity of LORNE shushing her. LORNE grins a bit sheepishly and mouths "Sorry" to her.

LORNE cont.
They-- they did. You're going to the second round!

CROWD cheers. SPIKE gives FAITH a high five as the spotlight fades.

ILLYRIA
Clem and Buffy.

A spotlight hits CLEM and BUFFY. CLEM closes his eyes tight and crosses fingers on both hands.

ILLYRIA cont.
Reading from teleprompter. You surprised the dancing world when you took the Leader Board by storm. But did you take the voters by storm as well? Yes, you did. You, too, will move on to the next round.

ILLYRIA looks pointedly at LORNE and motions toward the teleprompter as if to say "see? That's how you do it." CLEM squeals and jumps, then throws his arms around BUFFY. The spotlight fades.

LORNE
You're supposed to pause before you announce the result.

ILLYRIA
Why? The result is revealed plainly on the teleprompter.

LORNE
Sighs. Xander and Anya!

A spotlight hits XANDER and ANYA. ANYA's eyes narrow as she looks threateningly at XANDER. XANDER grins nervously.

LORNE cont.
The judges gave you lukewarm scores and said that your dancing was stiff, but adequate. Was it adequate enough to get you through to the next round?

LORNE pauses and looks at ILLYRIA. She eyes him, then the teleprompter. Then LORNE, then the teleprompter. She opens her mouth to speak, but LORNE beats her to it.

LORNE cont.
It was! You will go on to the next round!

XANDER opens his arms to hug ANYA. Her eyes narrow as she glares at him with a look that says "You're lucky." XANDER grins, then wipes his brow. The spotlight fades.

LORNE
That's five couples who've already made it to the second round, and one in the bottom two. We'll discover the fate of the remaining three couples in a moment. But first, there's something I've been wondering about. As you all know, our teachers spent a week at a training camp before they ever met their partners. Haven't you been wondering what happened during that week?

ILLYIRA
I have not.

LORNE
Ignoring her. I have, too! The journey began five weeks ago, when the eight contestants selected to be teachers left to attend a Dance Camp where they were given a week of intensive training, and a spell to give them the knowledge and ability of a professional dancer. Our cameras were there to capture the fun!

Cut to montage of scenes from the Teachers' Dance Camp.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

WILLOW
Sitting at a table at the side of a dance floor, speaking to BUFFY I'm really excited about this! I get to be a teacher again.

BUFFY
Yeah, but look who you might have to teach. I mean, what if you end up with somebody like-- like-- well, have you seen who's in this thing?

WILLOW
We're not thinking about that right now. We're just thinking about how much I liked to teach. Maybe after this is over I could become a witch teacher.

ANYA
Sitting down at the table. Which teacher?
-------------------------------------------------------------------

GLORY
Speaking to DREG, a minion. Just tell him to let me out when they zap him with the spell. If we time it right, we'll both get hit with it and we'll both be pros.

DREG
Bowing submissively. Of course, your most Holy Impatient Holiness. I will tell him.
----------------------------------------------------------------

FEMALE PROFESSIONAL DANCE INSTRUCTOR
Standing on the dance floor, talking to ANGEL I'm sorry, but shaking your hands like maracas does not constitute arm styling.
--------------------------------------------------------------

BEN
Shaking his head. No. Absolutely not. I was chosen as the teacher, and I will accept the spell. She's not even supposed to be here.
You're not even supposed to be here.

DREG
You put me in a most awkward position, sir. Her most supreme holiness will not be pleased.

BEN
I'll be sure to do an extra-sad Rumba for her.
------------------------------------------------------------

WILLOW
No, witch teacher.

ANYA
That's what I said. "Which teacher?"

WILLOW
Exasperated. Arrgh!

BUFFY
Standing up from the table. I'm leaving.
------------------------------------------------------

GLORY
Why can't he ever think of anyone besides himself? It's always him, him, him. Doesn't he realize that I need to win? I have to plan my comeback and I don't have four weeks to play "Dirty Dancing" and learn the Mambo!

DREG
Begging your most blessed pardon your Great-- Pardony -- Benevolence. But I don't believe Mambo is one of the dances scheduled to –

DREG is hit on the side of the head by a a high heeled shoe, thrown by GLORY. DREG bows humbly.

DREG cont.
Thank you, Oh Spikey-heeled One.
--------------------------------------------------------

FAITH is dancing with a PRFESSIONAL INSTRUCTOR on one side of the floor while BUFFY practices with her INSTRUCTOR on the other side.

FAITH
To BUFFY You're goin' down, B! I am the Cha Cha queen!

BUFFY
Think so? Well, I'm the Samba Slayer!
---------------------------------------------------------

WILLOW
No, witch as in wicca. You know, casting spells.

ANYA
Yes, I know. Which teacher is a wicca?
--------------------------------------------------------

GILES, BUFFY, and CORDELIA stand near the edge of the dance floor, watching other couples dance.

GILES
If they're going to simply perform a spell on us, why do we need a week of this horrid dance camp?

BUFFY
That's what I was wondering. I could be spending my time in wardrobe picking out my costumes.

CORDELIA
Hey! I already called dibs to be the first one to go to Costuming.

BUFFY
Maybe it's to make sure we're all in shape. You know, like all that training you made me do even though I already knew that stake plus vampire equals Dust Buster.

GILES
Yes, quite.

CORDELIA
It's obvious that you guys know nothing about Hollywood. It's probably so that they can film us and do a montage for the show.

GILES
Oh, good Lord. You don't suppose they caught that wretched "Chicken Dance" on film, do you?
-------------------------------------------------------------

Montage ends.

LORNE
A great time! I'm glad I wasn't there. But now, it is time to reveal the results for the rest of our couples! Darla and Lindsey!

A spotlight hits DARLA and LINDSEY. DARLA does not flinch, but maintains her confident smile and looks at ANGEL and SPIKE out of the corner of her eyes.

LORNE cont.
The judges liked your Waltz but thought it should move more. Will you be moving on to the second round?

LORNE pauses. ILLYRIA squints at the teleprompter, then looks quizzically at LORNE. LORNE smiles knowingly.

LORNE cont.
You will! You're moving on!

CROWD cheers. DARLA smiles. LINDSEY gives her a hug as the spotlight fades.

ILLYRIA
Harmony and Giles.

A spotlight hits HARMONY and GILES.

ILLYRIA cont.
Sebassis and Willow.

A spotlight hits SEBASSIS and WILLOW.

ILLYRIA cont.
One of you will continue to the next round, and one of you is in the bottom two. The couple continuing to the next round is-- my teleprompter has ceased to function.

LORNE smiles knowingly and points at the machine. ILLYRIA looks at him, then fixes her unblinking gaze upon the teleprompter.

ILLYRIA cont.
Sebassis and Willow. The machine is working again now.

LORNE
Glory and Ben. Harmony and Giles.

A red spotlight hits both couples, and we see both couples simultaneously in a split screen.

LORNE cont.
You were the bottom two couples in our standings, and one of you will be eliminated tonight.

HARMONY bounces nervously. GILES rolls his eyes and mouths the word "me." GLORY stands steadfastly and stares at LORNE with narrowed eyes.

LORNE cont.
Based on the judges' scores and the audience vote, the couple with the lowest score and therefore leaving the competition is--

LORNE pauses.

LORNE cont.
Glory and Ben.

HARMONY jumps for joy and throws her arms around GILES, who rolls his eyes. BEN, dressed in GLORY's ballroom dress, walks up to LORNE.

LORNE cont.
That's uh, an interesting choice of wardrobe there.

BEN
Shaking his head. It's typical. She's there for the whole show, ready to accept the praise but the second it goes against her she takes off so fast I don't even have time to morph into my own clothes.

ILLYRIA
It is only fitting that one as great as she should not have to stand by and endure the ignominy. You have made yourself useful. Do not taint yourself with your whining.

BEN
Yeah, whatever. Can I go now?

LORNE
Well, first you're supposed to have your last… uh, dance. So let's hear it now for Ben as he and his… partner have their last dance! And we'll be back next week for round two of DANCING WITH THE DEMONS!

BEN walks out into the center of the dance floor as "All By Myself" by Eric Carmen plays. With eyes rolled he sways back and forth a little bit, then the other contestants descend from the stage and mill around him, shaking his hand and giving him hugs. GILES remains conspicuously at the back of the pack, neither shaking BEN's hand nor even looking at him.

End credits.