Chapter 5: The Weasel, the Shark, and the Squirrel, Oh My!

By: DemonClowSorceress and Red

Standard Disclaimer: Naruto not ours. Wish it was. Then Red could have Itachi to herself.

Red: ITACHI!!!! *fangirl squeal* My Itachi.

DemonClowSorceress: *sweatdrop* Oh god, it's gonna be a long chapter.....

Few things in Konoha need explaining, thought Tsunade, surveying the hill outside of the village walls. Attacking Akatsuki operatives, for example, merit a certain procedure. First, the one they're after - always Naruto - his location must be verified. Easy to do now, since he and Sasuke popped to the Hokage's side.

Second, find out who the Akatsuki callers are. Already done - some loudmouth with sharp eyes had seen Kisame's fish skin. The only guy who worked with Kisame was Itachi. Simple math.

Third, figure out a way to get them away from the village. Wait no, that's fourth now. The new third step was keeping Sasuke sane and calm long enough to feed him orders and make sure he'll follow them. When concerning Itachi, Sasuke never listened, but charged straight in for the kill. Tsunade didn't want to shift through his tortured mind again to bring him back from a mental onslaught of Tsukiyomi. She was betting on the fact that Hiro's safety would trump Sasuke's need for revenge. She had enough time to reconsider it before more pressing matters came to her mind. Like the fact that some ninja were talking of jumping the Akatsuki men.

"Okay people, stay calm," she said in a strong voice. "No panicking, no heroes. We know why those two are here, so let's just focus on keeping them out. Status report."

Someone spoke up. "They're not engaging. They're just standing there like they're expecting something to happen....."

"Or someone to come out," said Naruto, balling his fist. Worriedly his eyes slanted to Sasuke, who was shaking in an effort to control his basic urge to kill his brother. "They're waiting for us to come out."

Tsunade looked to Hinata and Neji. Both Hyuuga had activated their Byakugan kekkai genkai and were focused on Itachi and Kisame. "What do you two see?"

"They're not preparing anything," said Hinata, concentrating. "They're just......standing there. Nothing is happening."

"Keep watching." The blonde Hokage fixed hard green eyes on Sasuke and Naruto. "Okay boys, I'm giving you an ultimatum. Neither of you will leave Konoha's walls without my direct order. Absolutely no exceptions to this order. Disobey and I'll personally bury the two of you in fire anthills. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal," chorused the two. They had absolutely no intention of going out there. They were hoping the Akatsuki would be tempted to come into Konoha. Then they could go buck-wild on their asses.

"I hope Hiro-chan is okay," murmured Naruto as Tsunade walked away. "He seemed really scared."

"He'll be fine, he's a tough kid," Sasuke assured him. "But that order was totally unnecessary. What does she think we are, six?"

Naruto chuckled. "Yeah, seriously. It's not like we're gonna do something reckless."

But due to an unexpected twist of fate (and the author's passing evil whim, that is, moi's) the order just passed was now put to the test.

Because now, there was a reason for it to be in place.

********

Hiro had absolutely no intention of disobeying his Papa or Tou-chan. On the contrary. He just wanted to make sure they made it to the walls of the Konoha gates safely. His little squirrel mind still thought the journey was long, given that he had no idea exactly where everything was yet. And Papa and Tou-chan were mad as bears awoken in the middle of winter.

Using his sharp nose, Hiro tracked his fathers right up to the edge of the village. He could smell them on the wall, but Hiro was still at the age where he needed to see in order to believe. And since all staircases up to the wall were closed, he had to improvise. Always fun for a squirrel-boy.

None of the trees were tall enough for Hiro to dare a running leap onto the battlement; he was daring, but wasn't stupid. The wall had no handgrips big enough for him to latch onto, nor any ledges to, again, run and leap onto. His ears began flicking irritably as he sat cross-legged in the branch of the tree he was currently using as a rest point. The branch bent slightly under his weight.

And then he had it.

Ten minutes later he had successfully tied back a strong, sturdy sapling as far back as it would bend with some rope he had found lying around. Using Ino-nee-chan's glowstick, he found a laundry basket he could ride in and a sharp rock on the ground which would serve as a handy knife to cut the rope. Perfect! thought the little boy. First, Hiro-chan will sit at the top of the tree in the basket. Then, Hiro-chan will cut the rope. The tree will snap back into place, sending Hiro-chan flying up to the wall and on top of Papa and Tou-chan. When we all hug, then Hiro-chan will go home. It was a masterful plan, the boy thought, and smiled to himself as he settled into his makeshift catapult's basket top. So he could better see the rope, he tied his glowstick to the basket's handle, casting pale green light inside.

"Ready............set........" Hiro gave a clumsy salute with his rock. "Here comes Hiro-chan!"

Now Hiro, like any other small adventurous boy, had forgotten some basic things when constructing his catapult. For one thing, he had no idea how the height of the tree and the strength of the trunk would affect his speed. For another, he didn't know how far he'd actually travel. And yet another thing to be considered would be how he landed.

But he only thought in the moment, screaming, "FIRE!!!!" like he'd seen others cry while firing big-ninja catapults, and cut the rope. The tree snapped back upright, catapulting Hiro's basket into the air with the speed of a bullet. The green glowstick made it look like a radioactive comet as it arced through the sky.

People on the wall only heard the shout and saw a flash of green passing twenty feet over their heads before the basket kept going, heading straight for Itachi and Kisame. It took a couple seconds before Neji actually pegged the chakra signature of the small thing that had just cleared their heads and put two and two together.

"That was Hiro!"

Lee, Kiba, Shino, and Choji instantly reacted; the four of them latched onto Naruto and Sasuke like ugly on apes, planting their feet and struggling to keep the two boys from leaping after their young charge. Shikamaru used Kagemane no Jutsu (Art of Me-and-My-Shadow) to further restrain them, but it was still difficult. Those who could sense chakra could almost feel the suppressed evil chakras - demon fox in Naruto, curse seal in Sasuke - starting to let loose.

Meanwhile, Hiro was getting his own surprise. He had been flying for maybe fifteen seconds, then hit the ground so hard he bounced out of the basket, bounced on the ground again, and landed right into someone's arms. His disoriented mind saw slanted dark eyes and black hair and instantly yelled, "Tou-chan!" as he threw himself in a hug around the individual's neck.

Whoever responded was not Tou-chan. "Wrong."

Then the other someone - not Papa - spoke. "WTF? What the hell is that furball? Tou-chan?" The voice was rough, deep, and definitely NOT Papa's. "Itachi, you didn't say you had kids."

"I don't." This voice was not Tou-chan's, but deeper and more fluid. "I don't know what this is."

For the first time, Hiro looked up at the person he clung to. The face reminded him of Tou-chan, but it wasn't Tou-chan. The eyes were different, and so was the hairstyle. Not to mention, this man was much older than Tou-chan and had none of Tou-chan's warmth.

Suddenly Hiro was picked up by the scruff of his neck, dangling high above the ground (a.k.a. five feet) in another person's grip, staring at the person he'd mistaken for his Tou-chan. "Itachi," said his captor, "what the hell is it?"

"Exactly what I came to see," said Itachi after a few seconds.

The next deep words were spoken in disbelief. "You mean this thing.....is why we're here? This furball?" Hiro was spun around and came face-to-face with a blue-skinned, gilled man with spiky blue hair and sharp teeth. "A squirrel-boy."

Hiro's shock kept him quiet for all of two seconds. Then he burst out with, "You're not Papa, Shark-baka! Let Hiro-chan go!"

Kisame (for it was he) blinked in surprise. "It talks." Itachi rolled his eyes, a silent way of saying, Congrats, Captain Obvious. "Shut it, Itachi. And it's name is Hiro-chan?"

"Hiro-chan didn't hear him say anything," said the little boy, confused. "Shark-baka crazy."

Itachi spoke up. "He knew. Trust me. He knew."

The child laughed and clapped his little hands. "Ha ha! Shark-baka whipped! Shark-baka the uke!"

Kisame was, understandably, pissed. "You - What the - No, that's - " He gritted his teeth. "Why you little - shit!" And he reached for Samehada.

But as soon as the curse word left his mouth Hiro threw his hands up. "CHI!" And a giant acorn the size of a draft horse and as heavy as a house crashed on top of Kisame, which caused Hiro to fly backwards into Itachi's arms. The elder Uchiha blinked, surprised that the small fuzzball was now in his arms.

Hiro shook his finger at the blue-shark-man like Papa did when Hiro broke things. "Bad Shark-baka! Your language is stupid!"

While Kisame cursed and Hiro responded with more showers of regular-sized nuts, Itachi's face remained the same while his genius brain cranked out the following thoughts. He called me Tou-chan. Tou-chan?.......Sasuke. Okay, so he's Sasuke's. Makes sense, since that's what the rumors said. Okay, but who's the other one? He said PAPA and Tou-chan. Papa......Papa......the Nine-Tails? One blink, no change in expression. Well, he does talk like Naruto. And gods know my little brother has had a thing for him since they were seven. So now they're together, and this little squir - Hiro-chan? was it? - is theirs. Which means the rumors are true. So..... And a series of pictures ran through his mind:

Fox (Naruto) + Wolf (Sasuke) = Squirrel (Hiro) ???????

"Adopted?" he said out loud.

Hiro's head whipped around and up. "Yes! Hiro-chan was adopted! How did Ita-nii-chan know?!"

"Well it was - wait, huh?" For the first time (in a very long time) Itachi was surprised. "Ita-nii-chan?"

Hiro nodded. "You're Tou-chan's Aniki (big brother) right? Hiro-chan knows because Papa said Tou-chan has sworn revenge on Itachi for killing his clan! What's 'revenge' Ita-nii-chan?"

Itachi was spared a response by Kisame's muffled, "Hey! Get me out from under this pile of nuts! NOW!"

********

Meanwhile, back on Konoha's wall.......

"What do you mean, Itachi's holding him?!" Naruto was close to freaking out and jumping out to retrieve his kawaii squirrel. "Dammit Neji, what the hell's happening?!"

"I said, dummy, he's holding him! Like a kid!" Neji demonstrated while keeping his eyes fixed on Hiro. "It's nonthreatening! And now - " The Hyuuga boy snorted. "He just buried Kisame under a pile of nuts."

They tried, they really did. It was a serious situation. One in which you're not supposed to bust out laughing like rabid hyenas because of all the sexual innuendos associated with that one statement.

But when Tsunade came back to check on the boys, she found everyone but Kakashi rolling on the ground, laughing their collective asses off. Gathering the situation to be deteriorating quickly, she asked for an update and got a big shock.

Obviously she needed to work on her betting parameters. "Okay, this is now bad."

"Ya think, Old Lady?!" yelled Naruto, sobering up quickly. "Do you not see the problem here? My son is in the arms of Sasuke's older brother and a murderous shark-man! Shark! Hiro-chan is a squirrel! A squirrel! Do you not see the issue at hand!?"

"Um, Naruto?" said Hinata, sounding really scared.

He rounded on her and, on a roll, screamed, "WHAT?!"

She recoiled, then pointed. "Itachi's leaving. And Hiro-chan is going with him."

The two fathers blinked once, twice, three times. Then, with a scream of rage, they launched themselves over the wall and barrelled after Itachi, losing themselves in the evil chakras held in their bodies. Naruto gained the Kyuubi's first two tails, while Sasuke took on the characteristics of his Curse Seal level 2. Kisame stepped in front of them, unsheathing Samehada. But what he'd failed to remember was that it was not a good idea to come between a child and its parents.

But he was about to find out.

Twelve Hours Later.........

Itachi topped the rise and found the hidden cave he was looking for. Walking inside, he was greeted by six other members of Akatsuki.

Correction. Five members of Akatsuki and its founder, an ancient evil genius disguised as an idiot.

Said idiot Tobi was currently annoying Deidara and Konan, speaking to one, then the other, irritating both to the point of Deidara kicking Tobi's head without changing expression. Sasori didn't even look up from his puppet, as intent as he was in fixing a splintered arm. Hidan was kneeling in a corner, his triple-bladed scythe leaning in the crook of his arm and on his shoulder, head bent in prayer to his homicidal god Jashin. Kakuzu was not in the cave; neither was Pain. Odd, since they never left their partners. Zetsu was also nowhere to be seen.

"You look like hell," remarked Deidara when the Uchiha man came farther inside. "And where's Sharkie, un?"

"I had to leave him behind." Walking for twelve hours straight was a little tiring in his condition. Itachi spied an open boulder and made to sit down when -

A loud, jaw-popping yawn preceded, "ITA-NII-CHAAAAAN! HIRO-CHAN'S HUUUUUUUNGRYYYYYYY!"

The assembled Akatsuki were treated by a very rare occurance - Itachi jumped and his eyes bugged out in shock. His head turned to look at the furry thing that was slowly unfolding from its fetal position, handfuls of his cloak being released from strong little fingers. "What - the - frickin' - I told you to go home."

"Uchiha got jumped by a kid in a fur suit?" mused Sasori, glancing over. "How did that happen?"

Hiro hung off of Itachi's shoulders like a baby monkey. "Papa and Tou-chan were scary," he said, shivering.

"Papa and Tou-chan?" repeated Konan, catching it quickly. "Who are his parents?"

Better get it over with. Itachi sighed. "The Nine-Tails and my little brother."

The Akatsuki tilted their heads, thinking the following equation:

Fox + Wolf = Squirrel????????????? 0.o

W. T. F. O. M. G.

"And you brought him here." She sounded surprised, but covered it with resignation.

"It wasn't on purpose." In his mind, Itachi played through the scenario again. He'd seen what he'd come to see, so they were about to leave. Naruto and Sasuke had lunged, Kisame had engaged, and Itachi knew a lost battle when he saw one, so he'd left his partner to work off some anger issues. Hiro must've latched onto my back before I completely left the area......

"Hiro-chan was scared. So Hiro-chan went with Ita-nii-chan!" The squirrel-boy stretched to his full height of two-feet-eight inches and leapt off Itachi's back, bouncing slightly to regain his balance. Fixing Itachi with a big-eyed grin he said, "Okay, Ita-nii-chan!"

Deidara, always quick to diss Itachi, didn't waste any time cracking up. "ITA-NII-CHAN?!?! Are you serious, un?! That's frickin' hilarious! What happened Itachi, you find him and adopt him, un? OMG, that's so flippin' - "

"OMG, DeiDei-chan!" The laugh-fest was interrupted by Hiro, who was applauding hilariously. "It's DeiDei-chan, with the BOOM and the BANG and the hand-mouths, wow! How did you know Hiro-chan was adopted, DeiDei-chan?" chirped up Hiro, cocking his head to the side.

Itachi thought, Naruto's kid all right, and barely suppressed his laughter when Deidara snapped, "The heck?! What kinda name is that?"

"It's kinda cute," remarked Sasori, coming over to see what all the ruckus was about. Hiro saw him and gasped.

"Yes! It's Ori-chan! With the puppets and the strings and the 'Dance, puppets, dance!' and - " Hiro did a series of strange poses while making shwooming sound effects before doing a random backflip, laughing his head off. "Are you friends of Ita-nii-chan's?!"

Itachi was about to reply when Hidan stuck his head right in Hiro's face and yelled, "The f*** is this thing? It's annoying and its b*tching is interrupting my prayer to Jashin-sama! Shut the f*** up, you little - "

"CHIIIII!" screamed Hiro, throwing his hands up to protect himself.

When the dust cleared, an acorn the size of a small house was where Hidan had stood. Only one hand and his scythe were clear. Deidara's mouth moved, but no noise came out of it. Sasori's eyes widened slightly, as did Konan's. A forgotten Tobi came forward, stared, then poked the acorn. "It's a nut," he said. "Damn."

Then he was flying to the ground again, his head kicked by Hiro. Itachi had seen it - a flying kick from the ground right to Tobi's temple. He must've seen Deidara doing the same thing when I came in. Kid's got potential. "Hiro, don't kick people randomly. It's not polite."

Konan knelt down, taking a piece of paper from her sleeve. "Cute kid," she remarked. Folding the paper for a few seconds, she made a paper crane and made it fly over Hiro, who immediately watched the crane flap over his head. "We have to get him out of here. He's comprimised us."

"And what, leave him alone here? Not smart." Itachi knew his brother's temper. If Hiro was hurt in any way when they found him.......they'd want his blood. "They'll hunt us down."

"You got a better idea?" Konan folded her arms over her chest. "The only way to ensure his safety would be for one of us to stay behind, but that's out of the question. If you're right - and you normally are - they'll kill the babysitter." She snapped her fingers at Hidan, who by now had halfway wormed his way out from under the giant acorn. "Oy, stupid. Shut your mouth and start cleaning up."

"Don't order me around, you fu - "

"Chi," said Hiro without looking away from the crane. Another nut the size of a large dog crashed on him.

"Fuc - !"

"Chi." Crash!

"Shi - !"

"Chi." WHAM!

"You - !"

"Chi." SMASH!

"THAT LAST ONE WASN'T EVEN A CURSE!" yelled a nearly smothered Hidan.

"Hiro-chan doesn't like you," stated the little boy. "Skull-baka smell crazy."

This guy has killed hundreds, but he's being p'wned by a kid, thought Itachi. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Sasori left his puppet for another time and took Hiro aside, making a lizard dance while the other Akatsuki took apart their makeshift hideout and eliminated all traces of life. Itachi kept glancing at the little boy, who laughed as the Suna puppetmaster made the lizard do several acrobatic tricks the small reptile was incapable of doing naturally. That's my nephew, he thought, a little surprised. Hiro is my nephew.

When the cave just looked like an ordinary cave again and everyone was suited up, Itachi took Hiro aside and told him to stay put. "With any luck your fathers are on their way here to pick you up. Stay and they'll find you easier."

"But Hiro-chan wants to come with Ita-nii-chan and the Red-Cloud Club!" chirped Hiro, swinging his legs childishly.

Red-Cloud Club? thought the others.

"No, not today. You have to wait for your fathers." And the other members of Akatsuki were treated to another rare Itachi Human Moment - he knelt down to Hiro's level and affectionately ruffled the fur between his squirrel ears. "Maybe another time." When Sasuke's not trying to viciously kill me and Naruto's not on my shopping list, along with the other Tailed Beasts and milk.

Hiro's face fell. "Okay," he said, crestfallen. Then he stuck out his pinky finger. "Promise?"

Major memory flashback moment. Itachi had to fight his way back through all the pinky promises with his adorable little brother. Staring at his hand, Itachi raised his hand up, feeling like he wasn't even the one making it move. His pinky finger extended slightly, as if unsure as it what it was doing.

Hiro hooked his little pinky around Itachi's larger one, much like a button hook around a pruning hook. "Promise!" he said, grinning happily. "Hiro-chan'll see you soon, Ita-nii-chan!"

Itachi blinked, staring at the wrapped pinkies. He was about to say something, but the situation demanded he take his leave. So he distangled their fingers, patted his nephew once more, bundled up in his cloak, and left Hiro sitting at the mouth of the cave with Konan's paper crane.

********

Akamaru sniffed the earth, intent on picking up the elusive scent. Kiba rode on his back, applying his own olfactory senses to help his ninken partner find a small squirrel scent among the varied smells of the forest -

POOT!

"Geez Naruto, gimme a break!" yelled the Inuzuka boy, pinching his nose shut as his eyes watered. "Go downwind next time, dammit!" Realizing what he'd just said, he stumbled to apologize. "Um, I mean, um......"

"Did you find him yet?" Sasuke barely kept the note of frustration from his voice. In his opinion, they had taken too long finding Hiro's trail. Twelve hours had meant nothing to Kiba, Hinata, Neji and Shino before now. Something must have happened. Something - No, don't think like that! He cast an anxious glance at Naruto, who had uncharacteristically not blown up at Kiba's retort. He's really depressed. We have to find Hiro. "Just keep looking," he said shortly.

"We're doing all we can, Sasuke," said Hinata softly, patting his shoulder gently. "Don't worry. We'll find him."

Casting his mind around for something else to think, Sasuke settled on the fight with Kisame. The bastard had been tough, holding more chakra than Sasuke had originally figured. Even Level 2 curse seal and two-tailed Kyuubi weren't a match for him. But rather than risk bringing Konoha into the crossfire, they hadn't kicked it up a notch and wasted the shark. Instead they'd let him run and were now in pursuit, trying also to pin down exactly where Hiro went twelve hours earlier.

The sun was starting to rise, Sasuke noticed. Shading his eyes against the suddenly bright rays, he spied Naruto shaking. Sakura was trying to comfort him, but this was a man's job. Respectfully Sasuke asked her to give them some alone time* and hugged the blond boy. "Hey, it's okay. Hiro's okay. You know that."

"But he's alone." Naruto's eyes were bloodshot and oozing liquid. Aw shit, he's been crying. Shit. "Hiro-chan doesn't like to be alone. Sasuke, what if something's happened to him? What if he's hurt?"

"Then we'll hunt Itachi down and bare his guts for the crows to feast on." You know, before I get my revenge on him.

Suddenly there was a shout from the front of the group. "Naruto! Sasuke! Shino says he's found something!" cried Hinata, waving her hand.

There was no unit of time short enough to clock how fast they moved. When they got to Shino, the bug-boy held out a thin object. "My bugs found Hiro's chakra on this. Do you recognize it?" Everyone gathered around to look.

"That's one of my glowsticks," Ino said. "I gave it to Hiro because he can't see in the dark." Unsurprisingly, this failed to cheer Naruto up at all.

"He's close by," said Neji, scanning the ground. "His chakra's faint though. Like he never touched the ground at all......"

"There!" Everyone jumped when Tenten suddenly screamed from the top of her very high perch in a tree. "I see him! There's a cave about six hundred yards from here. He's at the mouth of it."

When they broke cover running, the first thing Sasuke did was let Naruto run to Hiro. He, on the other hand, activated his Sharingan to make sure there were no surprises left behind by Akatsuki. When he found none, he raced over to his boyfriend and their child.

"Oh Hiro-chan, Hiro-chan!" Naruto was crying again, holding Hiro in a tight hug like someone was about to snatch him away again. "Are you all right? Are you hurt? Oh, Hiro-chan, Papa was so worried about you!" He buried his face in the small squirrel-boy's fur and burst into tears.

"Hiro-chan is fine, Papa," said the little boy, looking from his fox father to his wolf father. "Ita-nii-chan was nice, and so was DeiDei-chan and Ori-chan and Ko-nee-chan. Shark-baka was mean to Hiro-chan, and Skull-baka said bad words, but Hiro-chan showed them!" His face split into a huge grin. "And look! Ko-nee-chan gave me a paper birdie!"

Sakura took the bird from Hiro and unfolded it. Wordlessly she handed the sheet to Sasuke, who read the familiar handwriting:

He's got ninja potential, my kawaii little nephew does. Train him up, Sasuke. It'll do you good. See you soon.

The note was unsigned, but he knew who it was from. Angrily he shoved the piece of paper into his pocket. Embracing Naruto and Hiro, Sasuke shoved thoughts of revenge and Itachi from his mind and just gave thanks that his family was back together again.

As focused as the Konoha Twelve was on the touching reunion, they never noticed that they were being watched. From the cover of bushes burned a pair of eyes that were fixated on the small bundle in his fathers' arms. So that's what all the fuss was about, the watcher thought. Looks like something interesting is about to happen. And now, when all the catalysts have begun to move in on Konoha's prizes....... The eyes cut to Sasuke and Naruto. A wolf and a fox. Douse me, it's true. And both cursed, I can see. How fascinating.

The eyes looked again at Hiro. You, little one, I'll come back for in a year or two, promised the watcher. You got lucky this time. After you've learned some new tricks, then you can begin down the road towards your destiny. Until then, have a nice life. Then the eyes blinked and disappeared into the darkness.

A.N.

* - you know, "Back off, bitch," but in nicer words

I know, it's very long. Review please! I'd like hear your feedback on this!

Red: Me too!! :)