Chapter 12: Jealous Tou-chan Makes Stupid Assumptions!

By DemonClowSorceress and Red

Disclaimer: Naruto is owned by Kishimoto. We only wish we had a tenth of his awesomeness.

Morning came to Konoha in the normal fashion. The sunlight crept into the Uzumaki-Uchiha apartment, lighting up the rooms one by one. Sasuke rubbed his eyes, blinking in the sunlight and rolled over to see Naruto still asleep, a peaceful smile on his face. The black-haired boy reached over and stroked his boyfriend's cheek, rubbing in the direction of his whisker-lines. "Wakey, wakey, sunshine," he murmured. "Rise and shine."

Naruto purred as the stroking continued. His eyes opened with a sleepy grin. "Morning, Cockatoo." The affectionate nickname was slurred drowsily, making it sound twice as cute. "What time is it?"

"It's early." Sasuke kept stroking the blond's whiskers, which made the purring louder. "I should get up and report to the Hokage's."

Naruto rubbed his eye with the heel of his palm. "Mm, okay. I can take the kids out today." But neither boy wanted to leave the bed first, still staring into each other's eyes. By an unspoken agreement they began to scoot closer for a good-morning kiss -

"Good morning!!" Hiro cried, popping out from under the covers between his fathers like an angel from a cereal box*. Stretching, his tail smacked both Naruto and Sasuke in the face. "Life is beautiful today!" Hiro announced, pointing outside.

"It was until you shouted and woke me up!" From the cieling came Kaname, hanging from the rafters like a trapeze artist by his ankles. He looked cross, like a grumpy bat that had light shined in its eyes. "It's Saturday, dammit! What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Do you want the annotated list or the unabridged version?" remarked Daisuke, uncurling from her place at the foot of the bed. She stretched like a caramel-colored cat and lay on her back, eyes half-open. "Remember, it's the squirrel we're talking about."

Sasuke glowered as Naruto hugged their adopted son, directing his glare at the bat and fox. But not only did they fail to cower, they did the unthinkable and turned their backs on him - a feat that would have guarenteed any other person's death warrant.

You're lucky you're so goddamn cute, he thought at them.

After a normal breakfast (which translated to Kaname and Daisuke engaging in trench and aerial warfare in an epic battle that spanned the kitchen and half the living room) Naruto and Sasuke took the three Fur Fighters to the training yards to meet up with the rest of the Konoha Twelve and the Fur Fighters. Hiro, Kaname, and Daisuke raced over to their friends, who were clustered around Gaara, a fact that Sasuke immediatetely questioned Sakura about.

"Oh, he and the Hokage are in negotiations over some political bullcrap or another," replied the pink-haired kunoichi, "so he's going to be in Konoha for a few days."

Sasuke thought back, recalling something. "Dobe did mention a mission about guarding a diplomat.......did you mean Gaara?" he asked Naruto.

"Well, Gaara always requests Naruto when he visits," Sakura added unwisely.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow but said nothing. He turned his attention to the yard, where Gaara was making a living jungle gym for the Fur Fighters' entertainment. "And why, pray tell, is the Sand jinchuriki weapon ex-murdering psycho boy playing with the children?"

"Oh-My-God, the children absolutely love him," Naruto gushed. "You don't even know." His big blue eyes went uber-wide as he gazed adoringly at the adorable scene. He was so happy that Gaara had been accepted by the Fur Fighters. Not that he had been worried - Hiro had accepted the Akatsuki, for cripes sake. Gaara was absolutely normal compared to them.

But Sasuke, with jealously warping his perception, mistook the innocent gaze as something totally different. Hinata and Ino, the two standing closest to him, edged away as his aura began to darken with the black overtones of a meanacing, neverending blaze of jealously. Sasuke's mind suddenly went to that place - the place all insecure ignoramous assholes go when they believe, for no logical explanation, that their partner is cheating on them. Where only the ignoramous asshole is dumb enough to believe such stupidity.

Yeah, that place.

Lee, exhibiting his stunning ability to completely misread a situation that didn't involve Gai-sensei, came over to Sasuke and said, quite loudly, "Sasuke, is something the matter? Your sparkles of youth have greatly diminished!"

Any other day Sasuke would have slapped him senseless. This time, however, it was Sai who wound up and smacked the idiot in the back of the head. Neji praised him, saying, "That was the correct reaction."

"Well, this is not gonna end well," Shikamaru said, watching Naruto beaming and Sasuke burning.

"Thanks for the plot twist, Captain Obvious," Kiba remarked.

Sai regarded the scene with cool logic. "Talk about late-night sleepy ha-has sending a flock of evil plot dust bunnies to take over the story."

Kiba looked at him like he was speaking English. "What the hell?"

"Back on the matter at hand, what're we gonna do about this?" Neji asked, jerking a thumb at Sasuke and Naruto. "There's no way we can fix this."

"Well, who says we should?" Shino said in a flat voice. "I mean, think about it. Sasuke's always gone through life thinking he has to be the alpha, that he has to be in control. Naruto has always been the one variable he could never predict, and that's what makes their relationship work. But now Sasuke's need for control is starting to impact his judgement. If he's too needy or too stupid to realize the truth of what's going down, then he needs to check back into reality before Naruto checks out of his life."

********

Hiro called a Fur Fighters Emergency Strategy Meeting just after lunch. Sitting around a rock that was about to crack with their combined lunches (kids had big stomachs and ate a wide variety of foodstuffs) he spoke around a mouthful of chestnuts, "We have to start planning the rescue of the Hebi-chan. What do we know?"

"She's in Oto - Sound Country," said Shippo, stuffing his face with bananas and other fruits.

"Where pervy-snake-man Orochimaru is," added Hanika, nibbling her lettuce. "Who took your Tou-chan."

"Lots of bad men," Mei said. Her ears flattened against her skull in fear.

"Lots of hot babes," said Tomoya. Tsukasa and Kaname simultaneously smacked him upside the head.

Kusaka sipped her juice through her straw. An oddity, she never partook in any of the Fur Fighters' meals. The only substances she consumed regularly were juice and ice water. "It's unknown where she would be. Logically, we'd need to scout the area and determine where to find the Hebi-chan before we even considered leaving Konohagakure."

"And that'll be my bid," Tsukasa said. "I can talk to birds, and a few have agreed to fly over Oto and find the Hebi-chan. Once we know more about patrols and where the Hebi-chan will be, we can go in and get her."

"Good plan!" Hikari said, munching on a piece of tuna. A light blush touched the bird's cheeks.

Hiro felt a presense behind him and turned. The tall Sand-nii-chan stood there, black-rimmed eyes watching them curiously. "Gaara-nii-chan! You want food?"

"What are you children up to?" asked the Kazekage, eyelid raising in a semblance of an eyebrow raising. "Nothing good, I expect."

Tomoya giggled nervously under those intense pale green eyes. "What makes you think that, Shukaku-sama? I-I-I mean, Gaara-nii-chan?" he stuttered, covering his mouth as Gaara's eyes widened.

How the hell did that kid know I hold Shukaku? Gaara could hardly believe it.

Hiro quickly tried to bring the conversation away from Gaara and the plan to save Hebi-chan. "So, Gaara-nii-chan, are you going to be here long?"

"Just until we finish talking about stuff," he replied, sitting down with the children. "So what mischief are you eleven cooking up?"

Kusaka took an extra-long sip from her straw, draining her juice until she made a loud, obnoxious slurp. "No mischief," she said when she came up for air. "Just talking." Her golden eyes glanced over to Gaara piercingly. "Did you know that Hiro's Tou-chan is giving you the evil Sharingan eye?"

Gaara looked back and, sure enough, Sasuke was giving him a glare that could set sopping wet wood on fire. The Kazekage didn't know why, but having that kind of look on him was slightly concerning. He started going back in his memories, trying to find any reason as to the sudden hostility.

Naruto came up and tugged on Sasuke's sleeve, talking quickly. The black-haired boy stopped his angry glare, but Gaara had the sinking suspicion that this wasn't over.

And unfortunately, the redhead was right. Whenever Naruto would report to Gaara, Sasuke was almost glued to his side every step of the way. Gaara could feel the anger and hostility rolling off Sasuke like tsunamis on an island. But for the life of him, the Kazekage could not understand why he was being hated so much.

Things finally came to a head one hot day when Naruto, while eating lunch with Gaara, got a splinter rammed into his finger. How was a mystery, since the bench they were sitting on was sanded wood, but of course Naruto would be the guy to smack on the one patch of wood where there was a splinter. So now he had a sliver of wood stuck in his finger and was whining like a little baby about it.

"GAAAAARRRRRAAAAA! It HUUUUUURRRRTS!"

"And?"

Naruto sobbed overdramatically. "So get it out!"

"Do it yourself," Gaara replied, taking another bite of his salted tongue sandwich. "Or get Sasuke to do it."

"But he's not here! You are!"

Unfortunately, the last three sentances were heard by Sasuke, who was coming to join the two jinchuriki for lunch. He could not see them, so he didn't understand their context. However, with his mind still living in Idiotic Ignoramous Paranoid Asshole Land, he took their innocent meaning entirely the wrong way. Slinking behind a wall, he listened around the corner to their conversation.

"Brilliant deduction, Watson."

"Why am I Watson? I wanna be Holmes!"

"Holmes uses his brain."

"Then that means you can take care of my little problem," Naruto stressed.

Gaara fell silent. Then he sighed. "You want me to do it here?"

Do it and I don't care if your sand is faster than thought, I'll Mangekyou your ass off, Sasuke promised, grounding his teeth.

"NOOOO!! Not in public!" Naruto whined. "Let's go back to my place!"

"Fine. Just stop being a wuss."

So Sasuke followed Gaara and Naruto home, his mind thinking perverse thoughts all the way. He heard Gaara saying something as the redhead hauled the blonde into the bedroom and made him sit on the bed. Rather than get caught sneaking into his own house, Sasuke crawled under the bedroom window and listened.

"Okay, now hold still......." Sasuke heard Gaara suck in his breath and fall silent. "Geez, you're really squirmy, aren't you?"

"Sorry," Naruto whimpered. The bedsprings squeaked a little. "Gaara......it huuuuurrrrrts......"

"Yeah, dumbass, that's what happens when........aw shit."

"What? What?" The blonde sounded half relieved, half apprehensive. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just.......it's not gonna come out easy." Gaara sighed sharply. "Dammit. It's a lot bigger than I thought it'd be....."

The bed gave a series of squeaks as weight was shifted. A lot of weight. "Ow. Ow! OOWW!! AH! OW!"

"Will you quit it?! I'm trying to wiggle it out, you moron!" Gaara reprimanded sharply.

Naruto hissed and whimpered, "I think it went in deeper!"

"That's because you were squirming while I wiggled it! Don't make me tie you up with my sand!" The redhead sounded exhausted, panting a little. "I'll do it! I swear!"

"No! The sand is itchy and leaves marks - AHHH!" Naruto's scream was sort of breathless. "Is it - is it finished?" he breathed.

Gaara sighed again. "Yes, it's finished. Relax. Lie down."

"But I don't wanna!"

"Lie. Down. Now!"

Sasuke could no longer contain himself. He slowly turned and peeked over the windowsill into the bedroom. Just in time to see Gaara pushed Naruto down on the bed with both hands. The Uchiha's anger rose again.

"Well that was entertaining," came Sai's voice from the doorway. Sasuke turned and saw Sai standing there with, of all people, Hiro. "I didn't know Naruto was such a squirmer."

Hiro clapped his hands. "Wow, Gaara-nii-chan, you sure know how to make Papa happy!" the little boy chirped.

"It's not that hard," Gaara said, shrugging nonchalantly.

Naruto suddenly glomped the redhead with a huge smile lighting up his face. "Yay! Thank you Gaara! I should come to you the next time I have a hard problem!"

And that was the proverbial last straw from the insecure ignoramous asshole voyeuring from the window. He threw the window sash open so fast it sounded like a gunshot, making everyone in the room start. Sasuke entered like a black specter of rage and jealousy, Sharingan eyes spinning madly. "You motherf***ing sonnuvab*tch," he snarled at Gaara, forgetting that Hiro was in earshot. "How dare you. How dare you!"

"Sasuke, what's the matter?" Naruto asked, thoroughly confused at his boyfriend's antics. One hand went to restrain Gaara as the other boy began to rise to his feet. "Why were you lurking outside the window?" Then his blue eyes widened in realization. "Wait, how long were you out there?"

"Long enough," Sasuke snapped angrily, thoroughly convinced that he'd caught Naruto dead to rights. "I heard everything. I know exactly what you did. And in our bed! How could you, Naruto!!??" Without pausing he directed his glare to Gaara. "And you! You goddamn Sand freak! How dare you touch my property with your filthy crusty hands, you f***ing monster!"

There was no unit of time fast enough to record how swiftly the atmosphere transformed into one charged with tension and long-dormant suffering. The looks of pain that flashed across Naruto and Gaara's faces were brief, but visible long enough that Sasuke stopped his incessant ramblings of an insecure ignoramous asshole oh-woe-is-me bit and took a step back with the look of "Oh-sh*t what'ev-I-done" plastered on his stupid face as he stammered out "Oh sh*t, N-n-naruto, I'm so sorry. Really Sunshine. I-I-I-"

"Get out," Naruto snarled, his normally happy-go-lucky expression morphed into one unveiling the power held within the depths of his body. Sasuke hesitated and Naruto wasted no time in propelling himself across the room and launching Sasuke out the window while screaming "I said GET OUT you no-good duck-butt headed ignoramous!!!"

The sound of the Uchiha smashing into a tree quenched the regret he had at not smashing the idiot through a closed window. Naruto walked to the window, closing it with a resonding crack, breaking the glass. Fuming for a moment, he took the time to calm down before turning to Gaara. "God, I am so sorry," he breathed. "He's such an idiot sometimes."

Gaara shrugged, chill as ice in the Arctic. "Whatever. He just better keep his mouth shut. I don't know what I'll do if he goes off on that line again."

"Believe me, I won't stop you next time," the blond said. Then he frowned, his eyes darting around the room before landing on Sai. "Um, where's Hiro-chan?"

Sai blinked, thinking for a second. "He said something about going to find the Fur Fighters."

********

The Fur Fighters were quite surprised when Hiro skidded into their hideout (i.e. the secret room in the Third's nose of the Hokage Monument) and said, quite calmly, "I think we should go get the Hebi-chan now."

Needless to say, there was some questioning. "Huh?" Tomoya asked, cocking his head to one side. "Why?"

"Papa and Tou-chan are fighting soon," Hiro said simply, getting everyone on their feet. "And we should get out while we can."

"Why's that?" asked Tsukasa.

"Well, let's think about this for a second." Hiro held up a finger. "In the one corner is my Papa, the holder of the Kyuubi. In the other corner is my Tou-chan, who is an Uchiha powered up with an evil Level 2 Curse Seal that he's not afraid of using." He held up another finger. "That's a bad combination, trust me. Oh, and Gaara-nii-chan is gonna jump in too."

"What're we waiting for?" Kaname said in a falsely cheery voice, already heading out the door. The rest of the band were not far behind him.

They made good time getting out of Konoha, trekking halfway to the Valley of the End before hiding out in the forest. Tsukasa took the time to ask passing birds to act as his spies, flying into Oto and finding the Hebi-chan's location. Hanika, Mei, and the twins Hikari and Hikaru foraged for foodstuffs while Kaname and Tomoya tried to start a fire.

Daisuke, Hiro, and Kusaka were scouting when the blue-haired girl suddenly drew up short, making Daisuke and Hiro run into her back. She tensed up, glancing around with a lazy expression on her face. "We're not alone," she announced. "Show yourself, you idiot lizard-boy."

There was a small chuckle that echoed among the trees. "Is that any way to treat an old friend?"

Daisuke and Hiro looked up and saw the strangest person stretched out on a thick bough. He had vivid, silky, boy-short flame-red hair with two side bangs that fell to just below his chin. His left eye was a silvery color, glittering with mischief. His other eye was covered by an eyepatch, embriodered with the kanji for LOVE and HATE. His pants were black leather, held up by a myraid assortment of silver-buckled red belts. His shirt was sleeveless and black, covered with a red vest with an overly dramatic shirt collar and three buckle straps, which were open. He had seriously badass boots, army-style and black, with silver buckles lining the sides and thick black soles. Black gloves covered his hands save his ring and pinky fingers and stopped just below his elbows. His upper arms sported black armbands with red over them.

"Who's that, Ryuu-chan?" Hiro asked, pointing.

Her eyebrow raised. "An annoying lizard. Nothing to waste time or energy acknowledging."

"Aw, I'm hurt, Saka." The boy grinned impishly.

"Bite me, Val," Kusaka replied, deadpan.

Daisuke looked up at the boy in the tree. "That's a girl?" she asked, confused.

DemonClowSorceress: HI! It's been a long time! Hope we've done well!

Red: Well right now I'm feeling very blarg.

DemonClowSorceress: ~? Why's that? Cuz there's no Itachi in this chapter?

Itachi: *appears out of nowhere* I can't be in every chapter, Red-chan.

Red: *flat eyes and tired voice* Oh, that's very sweet of you, but that's not why blarg.

DemonClowSorceress: Then tell us why you are blarg!

Red: *blink blink blink blink blink* My brain's not working right now......

DemonClowSorceress: Itachi, fix her brain! *Itachi drags Red off* Hopefully she'll be better by next chapter.

A.N

* - Dane Cook reference. WIN!!