So Long and Thanks for All the Fish
Written by Benign Overlord and The-1-and-only-YouKnowWho
Just in case you need it: Voldemort's Thoughts, Voldemort's Conscience, "Dialogue", Narration
Don't Kill the Kitty!
When Voldemort came to, he found himself lying on the floor of his meeting room. Apparently, none of his Death Eaters were brave enough to carry him to his private chambers. Several followers had already broken down in disbelief that their Dark Lord was human after all.
The first thing he noticed: the room was empty. Not a single follower had stayed behind, afraid of facing his fury when he came to.
The Dark Lord yelled in frustration, "They left without my permission! I'll kill them!"
You don't really want to do that, do you?
"What? Who are you?"
I am the conscience that you have forsaken!
Voldemort scoffed, "You've got to be kidding me! I've never had a conscience."
You left me when you went to Albania to possess that overgrown stuttering squirrel.
"But... I don't want you! You'll ruin my career!"
Too bad, everyone has a conscience. You're stuck with me now.
"Oh well, then I'll just have to ignore you," Voldemort muttered.
There's no way for you to ignore me, now that you've said the trigger phrase!
"But I didn't say the trigger phrase! I don't even know what it is!"
Ah, but Harry Potter did! And since he's your horcrux, you kind of did say the trigger phrase- 'so long and thanks for all the fish'.
"Oh just go away, please!"
Wha-? Did I just say please?
Voldemort realised that this complication would alter his grand scheme of things. How would he torture his Death Eaters to keep them in line? How would he enforce his beliefs on blood purity if he couldn't kill muggles and mudbloods? How would he secretly steal Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans from unsuspecting children?
He decided to ponder on these life-changing questions later. After all, he had a revel to attend.
At the Revel
"Evan Rosier, come forward," Voldemort cackled evilly. How he loved to see Rosier punished. It was very good entertainment.
You don't mean that. Torture is cruel, painful and psychologically damaging.
But... It's fun to see people writhing under your wand, utterly powerless against you...
It isn't. You don't really want to torture.
You're right. What about a quick, clean death? That's definitely a less cruel way of inflicting pain.
Absolutely not!
Please?
Oh alright, since you asked so nicely.
He lifted his wand menacingly. Evan Rosier stood there coolly. That was what he loved about torturing Rosier. It was always fun to see how long it would take for him to break and plead for mercy. But the thought of torturing Evan didn't make him feel a familiar pleasure. Instead he felt... empty.
Even so, his lips twisted into a smirk.
"Avada kedavra."
He observed smugly as Evan Rosier's eyes widened for a fraction of a second, before his view of Rosier was obscured by a mangy alley cat.
He froze.
The Dark Army observed in disbelief as the Dark Lord's features morphed into an expression of pure fear. Voldemort lunged forward, as if he was about to intercept the emerald curse that sealed Rosier's fate.
"NOOOOO!"
The sound of a body thumping the ground was heard.
The Dark Lord collapsed onto his knees.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" He sobbed, blowing his nose on his soiled robes.
The Dark Army could barely watch as the Dark Lord sighed in relief, scooped up the cat and cradled it close to his chest.
The kitty's safe...
The Death Eaters strained to listen to their Lord's words.
"Now where did you come from, you cute little thing? I think I shall name you... Nom."
The only audible sound in the room was the unified dropping of jaws.
"Lucius!"
Said Death Eater shook himself out of his stupour and bowed low. "Yes, my Lord?"
"Get me a bowl of fresh milk immediately. And while you're at it, get some cream and mackerel," Voldemort stroked his new pet thoughtfully. "Also, would you please get me a bowl of cream as well? With strawberries?"
Hundreds of bodies collectively hit the ground with a thud.
"Oh well, looks like I have to get it myself," he muttered.