Disclaimer-I still don't own the wonder that is Glee or any song lyrics
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Lyrics are in italics song is: 'Forgiven' by Within Temptation
Chapter 19-Photograph
At long last, the bus came to a stop in the school parking lot. The students filed off of the bus, each of them thanking the driver on the way. Noah stepped off the bus ahead of Kurt and they both moved to join the others. As Kurt walked a few steps behind he couldn't help but drop his gaze to Noah's buttocks.
Coming to stand amongst the rest of the Glee club, Noah turned his head and caught Kurt's eye and it was obvious that he knew where Kurt had been staring. This caused Kurt to blush and shift uncomfortably, feeling guilty for ogling the other teen.
He was dimly aware of Brittany babbling excitedly as she hugged him around the waist but he couldn't make out the words she was saying. He couldn't make out anything other than Noah. To him, everything visual was a fuzzy blur and the noise sounded as though it was coming from a badly tuned wireless. The only thing Kurt could truly focus on was Noah.
After a few more hugs from his blurry teammates, Kurt headed over to his car. He'd only made it a few steps when the ground beneath him started to spin. Dizzy, he overbalanced and tumbled downwards. However, he was saved a visit to the floor by Noah reaching out to catch him.
Mr. Schue and Mercedes began fussing over him, placing their hands to his forehead and asking him ridiculous questions before a bottle of water was forced into his hand and they insisted he drink.
Not in the mood to argue, Kurt did as he was told, and as the liquid passed down his throat he instantly felt better. When Mr. Schue suggested that it might not be a good idea for Kurt to drive, Noah volunteered to take Kurt home.
So it was that Kurt found himself sitting in Noah's truck. They drove in silence of the most awkward kind, save for the song playing on the radio.
Couldn't save you from the start
Love you so it hurts my soul
Can you forgive me for trying again?
Your silence makes me hold my breath
Oh, time has passed you by
Kurt's mind was wrought with confusion over Noah's ever-changing behaviour. It seemed that Noah was having more mood swings than someone with a multiple personality disorder. Or maybe Noah did have a multiple personality disorder that simply hadn't been diagnosed yet.
He knew Noah cared about him, that much was obvious. If he didn't care, then he wouldn't have caught Kurt when he collapsed and he wouldn't be driving him home now.
Yet despite that, Kurt could sense that Noah was rapidly slipping away from him. He wanted to reach out to the other boy, grab hold of him and pull him back for fear that he may disappear.
Ooh, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world
Ooh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own
They pulled up in Kurt's driveway and Kurt felt his heart sink. He didn't want to go into the warmth of his home. He wanted to stay in the truck with Noah, he didn't want to leave. It all felt horribly like some form of final goodbye and Kurt didn't like that feeling at all.
He should say something, anything. It didn't matter what he said right now just so long as he broke the silence.
Here I am left in silence
He could talk about Glee, or school, or the weather or even Dave Karofsky's chin pubes, he just needed to speak.
Kurt opened his mouth but no sound came. He tried again, he kept trying but words failed him. As he stared hopelessly at Noah, still trying desperately to vocalise a sentence of some kind, Kurt briefly wondered if perhaps the usually quiet and reserved Matt was currently talking a hundred words per minute. Maybe that was why Kurt couldn't articulate anything; maybe Matt had unintentionally stolen his voice just when Kurt felt he needed it most.
Recognising defeat, Kurt hung his head, giving up on trying to formulate speech. Actions, perhaps they would help him out in this instance. Cautiously, Kurt reached his hand out and rested it lightly on Noah's shoulder. He felt Noah tense at the touch but he refused to pull his hand away.
He needed to communicate with his friend somehow. He couldn't lose Noah, not after everything. Noah was the best friend Kurt had ever had; he didn't want to lose that. If Kurt could forgive Noah for all the bullying he had been subjected to in the past, then surely Noah could look past Kurt's love for him. They could still be friends, it would take work, but it would be worth it and Kurt was willing to fight for it.
Noah turned his head and looked Kurt in the eye. The stare made Kurt pull his hand off of Noah's shoulder. In that one look, Kurt realised that he was wrong, that he was foolish. They could not be friends. The knowledge of Kurt's love for Noah, the night of his drunken confession, it would always haunt them and though he might have been willing to fight for their friendship, it was blatant that Noah would not.
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
For so long now, Kurt had been in love with Noah, always longing for more than friendship, yearning for more than a friendly hug. He didn't really know how to be Noah's friend. The relationship of bully and victim had been simple and straightforward, but friendship was a different venue entirely.
Kurt could be friends with Artie, Mike, Matt and Finn. He could probably even be friends with the likes of Karofsky and Azimio if they somehow stopped being the homophobic Neanderthals they were. But he could never be friends with Noah, not when he loved him so intensely. He would always be craving for more than just friendship, because when it all came down to it, friendship wasn't enough. He needed to have Noah completely or not at all.
Looking out the truck window, Kurt stared up at the sky. The rain had died down some time ago but fierce grey clouds still loomed overhead. Though even if the sky had been clear, the night had been day, and the sun was up above rather than the moon, Kurt doubted it would make any difference. He was sure he wouldn't feel the sun even if it was burning inches from his pale skin.
I watched the clouds drifting away
Still the sun can't warm my face
I know it was destined to go wrong
You were looking for the great escape
To chase your demons away
Reaching his hand out again, Kurt placed his palm on Noah's chest over his heart. He felt the organ beating against his hand, faster than average.
"I'm scared." Noah admitted and Kurt shot his head up to look at him.
"Of me?" Kurt asked his ability to talk finally returning to him.
Noah jerked his head slightly in confirmation.
"You don't have to be scared of me." Kurt told him feeling a lump form in his throat and his eyes burn, itching to shed tears but he refused to do so. He wasn't going to cry, not in front of Noah, not now. "I'd never hurt you."
Ooh, for so long I've tried to shield you from the world
Ooh, you couldn't face the freedom on your own
And here I am left in silence
Noah just shook his head and fidgeted uncomfortably. He cracked his knuckles before rolling down the window to let some air in. As Kurt studied him, he could tell that Noah had a lot on his mind. It was also clear that Noah didn't know how to handle whatever it was going through his head. He looked like he wanted to lash out and hit something but he was suppressing his rage.
"Try and calm down." Kurt instructed gently as he placed his hand at the top of Kurt's thigh. "You need to relax."
"Don't fucking touch me!" Noah hissed violently shoving Kurt's hand away from him.
"Sorry." Kurt apologised meekly still successfully fighting against the tears that were desperate to stream down his face.
"This is your fault, Hummel!" Noah spat at him harshly before he beat his fist against the truck door and then on the steering wheel, accidentally blowing the horn. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
He stopped hitting the wheel and dropped his head to rest on it instead, his hands clawing at the sides of his head.
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
Kurt kept still, watching him but not daring to offer comfort.
"I'm not a fag." Noah snarled and those words pierced Kurt's heart like a dagger, struck him like a bolt of lightening, burned like a flame forged by the Devil himself.
Fumbling with the handle, Kurt pushed open the passenger door before scurrying out of the truck then streaking up the pathway to his house. He fitted his key into the lock and hurried inside closing the door behind him, shutting the sight of Noah out but unable to lock the hurt outside with him.
The pain clung to him tighter than his designer skinny jeans, seeped deep into his skin and latched onto his very bones like a number of heavy indestructible chains.
Rushing past the sleeping form of Burt on the sofa in front of the T.V, Kurt headed straight for his basement bedroom. He threw his bag to the ground, not caring whether he damaged anything inside it.
Striding towards his bedside table, he seized hold of the silver photo frame and glared at the photo image. As tears blurred his vision, he let out a cry of despair then launched the frame across the room and watched it smash against the wall.
His mouth fell open in shock over what he'd done before he walked over to the mess and bent down to pick up the broken pieces of the frame, cutting his finger on a particularly sharp fragment. He winced from the brief stab of pain and lifted his finger up for inspection.
A drop of ruby red blood oozed from the wound before running down his finger like a crimson river.
His dad, no doubt woken by the sound of the photo frame smashing, came hurrying down the stairs asking what was wrong. He dropped to his knees beside Kurt and pulled his son's hand towards him.
"Come on, we'll get you a band aid." Burt said as he hoisted Kurt to his feet.
He allowed his dad to guide him to the adjoining bathroom and wash the blood away at the sink before drying it with a piece of tissue then covering the small slit with a band aid.
Kurt remembered how his mother always used to kiss a cut or bruise better whenever he hurt himself. He suddenly found he missed her terribly. He always missed her of course, but especially in moments like this.
His dad was wonderful of course and Kurt loved him very much, but sometimes, a child simply needed their mother.
I've been so lost since you've gone
Why not me before you?
Why did fate deceive me?
"You wanna talk?" Burt asked gently but Kurt shook his head before burying his face in his dad's shoulder and crying into the crook of his neck.
His dad hugged him for a long while before ushering him back to his bedroom insisting he get some sleep. As Kurt got ready for bed, Burt carefully swept up the broken pieces of the photo frame and binned them. He then picked up the photograph and handed it to Kurt, guessing that something had happened between his son and Noah but respectfully not interrogating him about it.
Kurt took the photo from his dad and stared down at the image of himself in Noah's arms, the two of them looking not at the camera but at each other.
Everything turned out so wrong
Why did you leave me in silence?
He considered tearing the photo in half, he wanted to in fact, but he could not. He rested his head back on his pillow and clutched the image in his hand and stared at it until he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore.
You gave up the fight
You left me behind
All that's done's forgiven
You'll always be mine
I know deep inside
All that's done's forgiven
To Be Continued
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