Author's Note

That whole ficas thing, that's actually based on a story that has been a family controversy in my home for years. My Dad bought a tree, which actually wasn't a ficas, yeah that part came from my mind…anyway, he named it, and let it live in the house. Well, my Mum hated it because it was ugly as crap…and 'lo one day she trimmed it, and it died.

My Dad believes that she did it on purpose, and of course she denied the accusation. However, my Dad knew she thought it was ugly…and thus, over a decade later, they still have arguments over who killed my Dad's favorite house plant. - -' yeah…I'm gonna let you read now.

I use the word trimmed, she actually chopped the top off. My dad says she 'brutally decapitated it'…

Let my writings begin!

Indeed. This is chapter one of my story. Enjoy.

EDIT: Surprise! I DO UPDATE! :3

Warnings: cartoon violence? lawl.

cartoon violence is an actual rating :3...on tv anyway.

Ch. I PART I

Rain pounded on the wind-shield mercilessly, the wind-shield wipers wearily cut through the water like blades. Whenever a path was cleared, more rain seemed to melt the cut and blur all vision almost instantly. It was hard to see anything out in the rain apart from the lines on the road.

Wind whisled from Naruto's passenger door on the sedan. The lining was coming off the door, not enough for water to get in, but enough to be a pain. Being in that car was noisy enough, but now that there was a storm roaring away, it was fifty times worse. Naruto listened to the booming of thunder and the shrieking wind, wishing he could be just about anywhere besides in that little grey sedan. He looked out the window, barely able to see, it was bad enough that it was storming. It didn't help that night had almost fallen; well, the clouds were so thick, it might as well have been night anyway.

"Goddamn storm. I can't see anything!" Iruka was struggling to keep the car on the interstate, the lines were hard to see, and the wind kept hitting the side of the car like a ton of bricks.

Between the Georgia and Alabama border, a wicked tropical depression had rolled inland, Iruka and Naruto were currently in the middle of it.

Naruto grunted, trying to find a comfy place to lay his head. Unfortuanantly, car doors are not very comfortable. Giving up, Naruto leaned forward and played with the glowing green buttons on the dash board.

"Damn!" All he could get on FM was static.

"What is it now, Naruto?" Iruka was mildly annoyed, he couldn't afford another problem with the radiator. "Is the engine light on?"

"No. It's fine."

"Then what is it?"

"There arn't any stations coming through."

"Well, I'm not surprised, this storm is somthing else, we've got way more to worry about than the radio, Naruto. I'm only going 45, and it's still is almost impossible to keep going." Iruka flipped the button on the gear shift to turn his brights on. Light flooded the black river of a road ahead.

"Besides, even at this speed, we'll reach your Grandmother's place within the hour." He grimmaced. "Well, as long as we don't get totally lost in this weather." Iruka finished speaking. Naruto hadn't responded at all. Probabley sulking about the radio.

He glanced at Naruto. Yes, that bottom lip was out just like a five-year-old's. Only Naruto could pull that off.

"You call her Gramma, right?"

"Psh, yeah, when I was like, seven."

"Okay, well what will you call her now?"

"I dunno. Same thing?"

"You really are pissed at me, arn't you?"

"Not really."

"You know" Iruka began, "I don't particularly like riding in this pile of gray tin for hours eith...psh."he ended this with a sigh. Naruto had turned to look out the window. Iruka could have scolded or pestered the teen, but he decided against it. What would it acheive? The boy was worried, and at the same time being dragged to a mad woman's house. Iruka just let him be.

Naruto sighed as well. He didn't feel like arguing, either.

It really wasn't that he didn't like his Grandmother, it was just that, well, she was a little…different. She had never really showed Naruto the kind of affection grandmother's usually bestowed upon their grandchildren. It wasn't just that, really, he loved her almost like someone he could hang out with. He had always loved spending time with her and all, but that was years ago. Before the incident.

Naruto seemed to have had an air of destruction around him that destroyed things that she was fond of. He couldn't really help it, Naruto didn't mean to be a home wrecker. He was just not a good child to have around before the age of twelve. That is, if you had anything precious to you.

Thinking back, Naruto realized it had been over a dozen years ago since he'd seen his Grandmother, whom since then, had deteriorated in health mentally and physically rather dramatically.

Her doctor only recently sent the invitation through the mail for them to come.

He closed his eyes and tried to remember the incident.

--

Naruto ran happily up and down the stairs pretending to be a super hero, he was making what he thought to be fitting sound effects to complete the image. "Brrrrrrvrooom!" he crowed "Psheewoooooooooo!" He slid down the banister and landed Spiderman style. Naruto was visiting his Grandmother for the weekend, it was his last evening there. He wanted to make sure all the villans were gone before he went home.

Naruto was currently in an epic battle with his grandmother's giant door mat. It had floral patterns on it, and it was red with white flowers. Naruto could turn it into a giant mouth if he used his imagination.

This new foe of Spiderman's was a living pit in the Earth that ate gigantic apples. Those teeth could grind his bones into dust, but that was not the threat. It was plaguing New York by eating what he thought to be the big apple, which in the mind of Naruto grew on a tree in central park.

He carefully stepped over the teeth and jumped, catlike, in front of the 'mouth'. "I'm going to seal that mouth of your's and save New York City's big apple!" he crowed. Naruto then flung out his palms, imagining web flying from the cans in his hands. In stead of web, however, bathroom sanitizer flew out, filling his nostrils with noxious amounts of lavender.

Tears forming in his eyes, Naruto promptly fell on his butt. He snorted and sniffed trying to get the scent out of his nasal cavity. "Ew…my webs have been thwarted!"

Naruto of course had no clue what 'thwarted' even meant, but he'd read it in his comics and that was good enough for him. He could just repeat lines, it made him feel just like the real Spiderman.

"My webs are powerless against this foe, so I guess I should challenge another!" He gave up his battle with the living pit. "Now where is doc-octopus?" The young blonde scanned the room and his sapphire eyes found their target: His grandmother's favorite plant, her prize ficas.

That thing had a huge history behind it, his grandmother had even named it. She called it Norse, since she found it after she had visited some old Viking exhibit at a museum. She considered it a friend and treated it like a house guest. She even gave it priority over her cat, Mr. Kim-Kims.

Sometimes she even brought it into the kitchen while she was cooking so she could have someone to 'listen' to her latest ideas on her recipes…well…it would sit and listen as well as a plant could, anyhow. She often fed it plant food mixed with warm water so it would grow bigger and get healthier as it got older, sometimes she even put a blanket over it on cold nights. Naruto often felt that that tree was like a very spoiled child. He had no major qualms challenging the thing in battle.

"Doc-Oc! We meet again!" Carefully crawling around the living pit, Naruto crept across the floor and prepared to challenge 'Doctor Octopus', the ficas, in mortal combat.

This resulted in a fight that involved Naruto running around the room, jumping, shouting, spraying lavender scented bathroom sanitizer every where, and leaping and rolling under furniture. By the time Naruto was finished defeating his foe, he had covered the entire tree in bathroom sanitizer spray. Just as Naruto sprayed the last of his Grandmother's scented spray, the old woman walked in.

Even then, Naruto's grandmother was rather old. She was in her seventies, but spry for her age. She'd had long grey hair that had once been a bountiful strawberry blonde river. Her hair in her old age was not quite as beautiful as it had once been, it was tied in a loose silver braid down her back. Her face had wrinkles, but when she smiled, they lessened intensly.

She wasn't smiling.

"Why, Naruto what are you doing there, boy?"

"I'm fighting Doc-Oc, Gramma." Naruto felt a little nervous, he hoped he wasn't going to get in trouble.

"Well…who is this Dock Oct?"

"He's right there Gramma! See his evil arms flying everywhere?"

"…indeed…well stop spraying that tree, Norse doesn't need all that spray on his leaves and bark." She gave him a stern look.

"ok, Gramma…" he then added under his breath "stupid tree…" As his grandmother turned around Naruto stuck his tongue out generously at old Norse with as much spite as he could muster.

"Naruto?"

Naruto promptly whirled around, afraid that he'd been caught. "Y-yeah, Gramma?"

"Would you like to help Norse and I prepare dinner this evening?" She was smiling gently now. Threat eliminated.

Naruto was actually getting attention from his Grandmother. "YEAH!" Naruto replied with a huge grin. "Are we gonna make dessert, too?"

"Why, if you like, I think I have a new recipe for an angel food cake we could try out. How does that sound?"

"Sounds really yummy!" Naruto broke into a run towards the kitchen. "Lets cook!"

His grandmother followed, rolling the plant into the kitchen on it's swivel-wheel base.

--

"Hey!" Iruka exclaimed! "I see out exit!...Well, I think it's the right one." Through the curtains of howling wind and the buckets of rain, it was hard to see.

Naruto looked out of the window, daydream temporarily broken. "Na, that says exit 125." He looked at the instrutions from mapquest that they had taped to the windshield. Naruto squinted into the rain, trying to move his vantage point away from the rivers of water trailing and splattering on the wondow. "Yeah. It says 125"

Iruka sighed impatiantly. "Well, what does the almighty map quest say we should do?"

"It says get off on exit 129."

"Aliright then, false alarm. We shouldn't be there for another twenty or thirty minutes." Iruka slumped a little. This road trip was really rough on him, he'd never driven through a nasty thunderstorm, let alone a tropical depression.

The wind picked up to the point that Naruto began to feel a little motion sick. The car was being pushed across the lane with each gust.

"Urgh..." Naruto shut his eyes. He should just try to stay cool. Let his mind wander a little. He tried to recall the daydream which came to his memory rather easily earlier. He recalled that the first part of that day had been nice, but had ended horribly. But what had happened after that...? He couldn't remember. Why was it so easy to remember the irst part of the day, but near impossible to recall the second?

He strained to pull the following events foreward in his mind. It was as if his mind had been wiped clean, he had to pick the back of his mind. Eventually he realized he could piece it together, and he began to remember. It was now obvious why his mind wanted to hold back.

--

The beginning of that evening went smoothly, without any mention of Norse at all. Finally getting attention that day was very exciting for the seven-year old. He chopped up any vegetable that his grandmother asked him to chop and stirred the soup they made until his arms ached. Naruto wondered what they had created. He leaned over and sniffed the spicy seafood soup.

"Bleh! Gramma, what is this stuff?" Naruto wrinkled his nose. "It smells fishy.".

His grandmother leaned over to dump some steamed oysters into the simmering soup.

"This is a recipe I nabbed from one of the locals down in southern Alabama." She stirred the oysters into the broth to help them soften. "It's gumbo."

"Gum-bow?" Naruto raised his eyebrows. "I've never heard of that."

"Well there is always an occasion for a first time experience." She ladled a bit out into a saucer and offered it to Naruto.

Naruto eyed the gumbo as if it were not to be trusted. "Are you sure it's good?"

"Why, it's very flavorsome, full of spices. I think you'll like it." She then eyed him beadily, making sure he took at least a lick of the soup.

"Whoa!" Naruto's eyes got very large. "That's really spicy, Gramma!"

His grandmother smiled. "Yes…" she paused, "but isn't it good?"

"Yeah…but I think I need some milk…" Naruto said. His tongue was burning.

Naruto was the object of his grandmothers affection, he shone brightly at dinner and was happy to be near her…but all good things must come to an end…from then on everything went to hell.

Just as he and his grandmother were ending dinner with coa-coa and coffee, Naruto noticed that Norse was not looking so well. His leaves looked withered and unhealthy, and the ficas had begun to droop rather severely. He then spoke without even thinking. Something he regretted for quite a long time.

"Gramma, N-Norse doesn't look s-so good…" Naruto mentioned timidly. He knew who was to blame. He knew who's fault it was. Why oh why did he have to open his big mouth?

"What?" Naruto's grandmother turned around for a better look.

It happened in slow motion. Naruto's grandmother had glanced at Norse and her mouth slowly formed a perfect O shape in horror. Her body sprang out of the seat like lightning and her shout echoed through the house. The table shook violently as her body thudded against it. Her coffee cup had spilled and its contents dribbled all over the table and on to the floor.

"What have you done?" she cried. The old woman ran across the kitchen, stepping on the cat and waving her arms over her head. In her haste, she flailed one of her arms into the mini crystal chandelier that hung over the dinner table, which careened wildly. Light danced around the walls from the crystal pieces like a disco ball as the chandelier swung jauntily around.

Of course the cat had to contribute to the horrid evening, too. As soon as Mr. Kim-Kims was stepped on, the poor cat yowled and sprang up onto the table, knocking the cups and plates askew. Gumbo and cake flew everywhere. Naruto had one instant before the spicy soup flew at his face. He didn't duck in time, he was thoroughly splattered. His white shirt and blonde hair were now coated in cake and spicy gumbo. He tried wiping the concoction off his face, but bits of peppery gumbo got into Naruto's eyes making them water. All he could see now were the blurry figures of the cat and his shrieking grandmother.

A cracking noise above made Naruto forget momentarily about his screeching grandmother and his messy situation. He stared in horror as cracks snaked their way around the metal center piece of the chandelier, causing the electrical equipment to shift. Bits of plaster fell out from around the centerpiece of the chandelier. Naruto knew what was going to happen a second before it did and launched himself away from the table.

With a crackling noise as the electrical wiring snapped, the miniature chandelier began to fall. The surrounding wires popped loudly, emitting sparks as its tethering to the ceiling gave way. With a sickening crash, the chandelier hit the table, spraying even more food and glass everywhere. Plaster rained down, adding a powdered sugar dusting to Naruto's already filthy attire. Naruto screamed and looked in horror through the ruined kitchen towards his grandmother who hadn't even noticed any of the ruckus. Everything had happened over the course of around four or five seconds.

His grandmother was busy tending to the plant. His grandmother was, in addition to tending, in hysterics. Still shrieking, she grabbed Norse and wheeled the plant like an out of control trolley out of the kitchen. She aimed the plant toward the front foyer and prepared to wheel him out side. There was a nursery down the road that could help him.

"G-Gramma! Wh-what are you doing?" Naruto called after her.

She ignored the call and kept wheeling the plant. "I'll save you!" She cried. She broke into a run and tried to wheel the plant out the front door…the screen door was still closed. Unfortunately, the front door had a rather large framed base. Both old woman and plant hit the base and careened into the screen door instead of pushing it open as was intended.

Naruto ran into the foyer at this exact moment and was horrified. Once again time slowed, Naruto watched as his grandmother's body caught the setting sun. He watched her silhouetted legs flail through the air and her shawl sailing behind her like a cape. The plant flew even further and fell down the steps. The old thing's shriek carried to the heavens and matched the sound of tearing metal as the screen door and it's hinges were ripped out of the frame.

Suddenly, time went back on track. His grandmother's flying through the air came to an abrupt halt when she landed face first in her flower bed . Naruto stared in terror. His grandmother had laid there or a few seconds before getting up.

The old woman got up, and without a word walked over to Norse the ficas. He was positioned pathetically on the stairs, trunk snapped nearly in two. Naruto's Grandmother did not even react. She bent over, and touched the trunk once. The fragile tree snapped in two, the crackling sound echoing over the front yard.. His grandmother did not even so much as flinch. She simply stood up and walked over to the shed behind her house.

Sighing, Naruto walked into the kitchen, slowly. His limbs hurt a little, he also felt groggy from all the shock. He had half a mind to check on his Grandmother, to maybe see what she was going to do in the shed. Naruto shambled past the table, the soles of his shoes crushing the little bits of broken glass beneath him. His grandmother's kitchen had windows over the sink that faced the backyard. Sighing, Naruto climbed onto the sink and peered out the window. Through the screen, he could see his Grandmother dragging an old bird-feeder out of the shed.

"Naruto!"

Naruto flinched as he heard his Grandmother's voice pierce the quiet. She wasn't yelling, but her voice was loud and slightly shaky. Moreover, loud enough to make him want to wet his pants, anyway.

"Naruto!" she continued "Naruto, I need to speak with you right now."

In terror, the seven year old, gumbo splattered child climbed down from he sink and exited the house through the back door. He proceeded at a funeral march pace torward where his Grandmother stood. He hoped she wouldn't hit him with the bird-feeder.

"Y-yeah, Gramma?"

"You…you…" His Grandmother's creepy composure was faltering.

The old woman stood there, swaying a little, covered in mud. Her long hair hung about her in loose ropey pieces, clumped with mud. She looked like a banshee...a muddy one.

The state of shock she'd been in was wearing off. She looked down at him, and in a loud voice, yowled . "You've killed my only friend!" She had then proceeded to chase her grandson around the backyard with the bird-feeder. She might have actually gotten him, had Naruto not climbed the old peach tree in her backyard. He lived in that tree for three hours, fear of his bird-feeder wielding grandmother keeping him prisoner. Sure, she'd gone into the house after hal an hour of screeching at him from the base o the trunk, unable to climb it her self. He had really needed to pee after a while.

When his mother and father arrived that night, they were shocked to find a mound in the front yard, freshly created, with a rock placed over it, like a headstone. His mother knew something was definitely awry immediately. When they'd walked on to the porch, his mother and father could hear faint mewling sounds coming from somewhere near the house.

Before talking to his Grandmother, Naruto's parents knew it would be better to check out the sounds. As fate would hold it, the decision was a wise one. Entering the back yard, The Uzumaki's had found a sobbing Naruto and a meowing and dehydrated Mr. Kim Kims in the peach tree behind the house. The old thing had chased Mr. Kim Kims up there after discovering the kitchen. Both cat and boy had used the tree for refuge.

Naruto had gone home that very evening…and then to child therapy the very next.

!?

--

A tremendous roll of thunder snapped Naruto out of his daydream, he glanced at the dashboard clock. Half an hour had gone by. It was now 8:17 PM, he had been in that stupid sedan for over 9 hours now. He didn't want to admit it, but his Grandmother still scared him a little.

'Me scared? Of that little old bat? ah, hell no' Naruto thought to himself, putting up a little show in his head. Then after replaying the memory quickly, he decided she did make him a little uneasy. Naruto winced slightly at the memory, it had been over twelve years ago, so what did it really matter? She couldn't possibly still be mad. His grandmother had been alright, even if that ugly old ficas didn't make it. Mr. Kim-Kims got a lot more attention post dead ficas than pre-grandson killing ficas, so the cat benefited. What could really be held against him?

Well, at least maybe there was no grudge against him, but his Mother held a grudge alright. Naruto's mother had not allowed him to visit his grandmother since that day. His father did not particularly want his son around that lady either. Old ladies that chase children aroun with birdfeeders are not often highly regarded by families.

Iruka was a whole 'nother kettle of fish. He on the other hand, thought it might be wise to send Naruto there for a few days...Well that was then and this was now. She wasn't this ill before.

Naruto glared at the driver, who was currently squinting into the rain, trying to avoid a tractor trailer. Stupid Iruka, forcing him to travel all the way to the bayous of Alabama, stupid birdy granny.

The thought of a bird-feeder wielding grandmother wasn't appealing, or maybe even a shotgun wielding "gramma" by now.

She had gone "Quite awry" according to her private physician. Naruto's Grandmother "needed visitors" Dr. Gordan had said. She needed them to get more human contact, which she seemed highly unwilling to acheive on her own.

Naruto only reluctantly agreed to traverse to her house on the simple agreement that Iruka be dragged along, too. He really wished that his parents could…no…no, he wouldn't think about that.

He would NOT think about that.

Naruto just needed to keep his mind on other issues. 'Think about this gray death trap. Think about the rain pouring outside, like the sky just can't stop crying.' Naruto swallowed a knot in his throat. He was ninteen, dammit. An adult! He wasn't gonna break down, especially with no provoking. 'Think about the good times. Think about the trip. Think about the white noise on the radio. Think about Gramma.'

'Yeah, crazy crazy Gramma.' He looked out into the rain. His mind once again busy.

Gramma...He didn't really think she was some crazy old lady, just misunderstood...well, actually he honestly knew she was...and hoped deep down that this wasn't all his fault.

Even though the cat benefited from the incident, Naruto still couldn't be sure that his Grandmother really had. It was just his logic he was applying. How could he know what really happened after?

She had moved that same year, her idiosyncratic ways had grown far worse. Rather than live on the east coast, she had opted moving into the deep south. It wasn't even really the deep south, it was into a bayou located next to the border on Alabama and Louisiana. The idea wasn't to be absorbed into the Cajun culture that his Grandmother loved, but to be withdrawn into the bayou. To be around people less than ever before.

:3

To be continued…

Author's Note continued

Gawd, that whole ficas thing was so fun to write. I mean, I'm no l337 writer or nuthin, so it must have seemed crazy, but that was kindof the intention. XD not all the chapters will be this psychotic.

PS. I just had to add the word idiosyncratic. It had to be done. XD

SASUNARU corner

Naruto: It's like that…that thing that every teenager dreams and wishes about every minute of the day. That one thing they want, but can't get?

Sasuke: Sex?

Naruto: Oo No! sleep, teme. SLEEP.

Sasuke: Ah.

Naruto: but I guess that guess does make a little sense, eh?

Sasuke: Everything I say can hold it's own weight in merit.

Naruto:…: /

Sasuke: You didn't even know what that meant, did you?

Naruto: Thaaaassright :3