Author Note: New chapter posted, thanks to all the positive feedback and amount of people favoriting my first story. I really appreciate it. This time it's going to start from Alistair's perspective before returning to Alexandra's.
Duncan disapproved, that much Alistair got from the look on his face as they returned to Grey Wardens' camp. He and Alexandra were surprised to find that Duncan was not the only one to notice their arrival. Everyone at camp was awake now, curiously looking them over to see if something more happened then spent time together, under the stars. One look at Alistair as unsure as ever gave them all the answer they need to that question. It was a resounding no. Although relationships were not unheard of between Grey Wardens but somewhere between fighting the darkspawns and saving Ferelden from an impending Blight did tend to leave very little time to maintain a relationship or even to start one.
Alexandra did not seem to care that all attention was on her again, at least this time. She was still reeling from trying to beat Alistair back to camp and she happily could say that she won, even if she didn't play exactly fair. As she saw Alistair appear out of nowhere in front of her, she casted frost spell freezing him solid for enough to time for her to run past. But technically, he cheated first using a path she didn't know existed. At any rate, she won and that was over now. She needed to get back to business and get the Joining over and done with.
Alistair watched her saunter her way to Duncan, all confident and cocky as he picked an ice chuck from his hair. He had to admit, she was pretty clever freezing him like that. It made him determined to never want to get on her bad side for real. It would not however, make him stop trying to find ways to outsmart her and her little magi-mind tricks. He would get her back for this, one day, just not today since it was the Joining. The word suddenly brought him back to his sense of how grave the situation was. What if she...He just couldn't bear to think about it.
He felt his templar discipline kick in and he steeled himself ready to do his duty as a Grey Warden. He walked over to Duncan, Alexandra, and the others. "Are you ready?" Duncan asked him normally, although Alistair saw the concern look in his eyes. "Yes, I am ready." He answered sounding way more confident then he felt. "Then let us begin. Alistair, take them to the old temple." Duncan commanded. Alistair nodded and gestured for the new recruits to follow.
Every step seemed to make the heaviness around his heart grow tenfold. He felt so guilty for leading them to ritual area know very well how this could turn out, even though he knew it was his duty to do this since all other Wardens were preparing for the battle ahead. Still, he could not bear to look any of them in the eye until they reached the old temple. He studied their current mood. Ser Jory looked more nervous then ever. Daveth was still starting trouble. Alexandra was trying to keep everyone calm with little luck. Soon, silence fell again between them.
Then Duncan came and explained what they were about to do as Alistair continued to watch them. Daveth seemed okay with it, through not very pleased. Ser Jory looked as if he was run if he thought he had a chance. Alexandra's face was calm as usual, but something was wrong about it. It was as if she was just acting that way because that was already expected of her. As she stole a glance in Alistair's direction, her eyes said the question she wouldn't dare ask out loud, 'Did you really do this?' His only answer was to nod and that seemed to help soothe her fears a little, at least as far he could tell.
Suddenly, it was time for him to say the words spoken at every Joining ritual since the very beginning of the Grey Wardens. "Join us, brothers and sisters. Join us in the shadows where we stand, vigilant. Join us as we carry the duty that can not be forsworn. And should you perish, know that your sacrifice will not be forgotten. And that one day we shall join you." He spoke taking his time. He was having a very difficult time of trying to keep his voice level and calm, especially when thought of Alexandra entered his mind during his final words. When Duncan took back the attention onto himself, he was more then a little relieved. Alistair hated this part most of all.
Daveth went first, just as Duncan had told him the order was going to go. Duncan had chosen him first because he realized Daveth would be the one who need the least convincing to go through with the ritual. Alistair watched in horror as they all did when taint was received and unfortunately, his body could not take it. The life drained out from his body as it crumpled onto the ground before Duncan's apology was spoken. The taint was always more potent then people realize unless they had already summited themselves to it. This Joining was starting off on the wrong foot already.
Ser Jory was next, he would be too fearful to go first yet far too nervous to be left to the end. Duncan's instincts would be proven right as Ser Jory was not eager to go through with ritual. As he attempted to flee, Alistair knew too well what would happen before even the Duncan's dagger stunk into his stomach. Two deaths, already more then there were at his Joining. He could only imagine how Alexandra was feeling right now. Unfortunately, he really had no idea.
Watching the two men die, one due to the taint and other at Duncan's hands, had not made Alexandra feel any better about doing this. She could feel the feelings of sadness, fear, and even some hate for Duncan and Alistair right now for doing this to all of them without any sort of explaining of the consequences. How could anyone be all right in doing this to another human being? 'No one ever said that being a Grey Warden would be easy.' Her thoughts were all too happy to reminder her.
Suddenly, it was her turn. Duncan handed her the chalice and Alexandra found her hands taking it without any thought of resistance. She looked down at the inky pool of blood resting at the bottom of chalice. It was moving on its own she thought, only until then she realized that was because her hands were shaking the chalice as she gripped it. Daveth's and Ser Jory's death were all for this? Drinking of darkspawn blood to master the taint? Was becoming a Grey Warden worth all this?
She was terrified at the possibility of drinking the blood of those vile creatures. She wanted nothing more then to drop the chalice and run, but she could feel the stares of Duncan and Alistair on her. They did this once, so why couldn't she? Did she really want the sacrifices of Daveth and Ser Jory to be in vain? There was no going back now as she lifted the chalice to her lips and drank. She would submit herself to taint and hope that somehow, she would manage to make it through this.
"From this moment forth, you are a Grey Warden." She heard Duncan say as the chalice was took from her hands. She was so disconnected to the outside world, the words seemed so unreal. She was not able feel anything but the burning pain that started the moment the blood touched her lips. It burned all the way down her throat before landing in her stomach where it stopped for a second. Then, like an unexpected erupting volcano, the fire started up again this time seared through every nerve, organ, and muscle in her body. She was in so much pain. She felt as if she was being burned alive from the inside out.
At one point, she thought she was as good as dead. No one could possible feel this much pain and still be alive. Then her vision blurred and new images came into view. She saw a big, red dragon but something deep inside told her, this was much more then a simple dragon. This is what commanded the horde of darkspawn even if she did not know what to call it yet. It was a strange beast as when it looked at her direction, she could have sworn it was looking right into her soul as if to say: "I know who are, mage, and you will never have the chance to defeat me."
'Maker, please, let her survive this.' Alistair found himself thinking watching her begin to drink the blood. As the taint went to work, he watched holding his breath stepping away from her. She first touched her head, her eyes closing tight. He knew she was feeling the pain they all felt and his heart ached for her. A few seconds later, her eyes went white. He knew seeing visions of the Archdemon, a monster scary then any darkspawn he encountered. The next second, she fainted and for the longest time stood perfect still.
Alistair watched her, growing more and more concern with each passing second. He was so lost in thought that he did not realize Duncan had called his name until the third time. "Yes, Duncan?" He asked still not able to tearing his eyes away from Alexandra. "Take the leftover blood and make the pendant." Duncan replied. "But she hasn't-" Alistair started only to be cut off. "Take the leftover blood and make the pendant." Duncan stated again, this time a little more firmly knowing Alistair would get the message. Alistair took one look at Duncan before doing as he was told.
Duncan was always so sure of himself and his decisions, showing no weakness even in the unsurest of times. Like right then, he had told Alistair she would survive this and become a Grey Warden way before Alistair even meet her. When Duncan talked, people listened and respected his opinion even if they didn't always agree with it. Alistair often thought if only he could be half the man Duncan was, he would feel much more capable of helping the Grey Wardens to stop the Blight and not being a tolerated nuisance because of who his father was. Only Alexandra didn't treat him differently, but that way only because she still did not know. He was under no illusion to the contrary. Once he told her the truth she would become just like the others and he just couldn't bear that.
Suddenly, Duncan's voice interrupted his thoughts. "Alistair, she is beginning to awaken." He said looking from Alistair back to Alexandra. Alistair grabbed the necklace he finished then knelt right next to him. A second later, her eyes fluttered open. For a moment everything was hazy until she recognized Duncan and Alistair looking over his shoulder with a look of clear relief in his eyes. "It is finished. Welcome." She heard Duncan say before they stood back up, forcing her to do same, although much slower.
"How do you feel?" Duncan asked. Alexandra just stared at him blankly for a moment not sure what she should be feeling, still in shock. Her feelings seem to run the spectrum of emotions and they were all confused in her mind. She did know one thing for certain. She wanted--no, needed to be left alone right now. "It's over. I'm fine." She said hoping to get out of this conversation as quickly as possible. It didn't seem to work as Alistair brought up the subject of dreams. She didn't even want to think of the dragon, right now. She had enough things going through her mind.
As he handed her the pendant to remember those who didn't make it, Alexandra was at the very end of losing it, but she keep calm so neither Duncan or Alistair would get suspicious. She quickly promised to go to the meeting with the king and to her relief was glad to see them walk away, leaving her alone. She took a look around and noticed there was a ledge going around the outside of the temple where she was. It would be perfect place to get some privacy and maybe have a good cry. She did need that right about now.
Even before she found a spot to sit over looking the soon-to-be battlefield, she could feel the tears stinging her eyes like a bad swarm spell. Maker knows she had been on the receiving end of those many, many times. She finally sat clutching the pendant to her chest. The tears flooded out uncontrollably. So many thoughts flashed in her mind that made her want to cry harder like Sir Jory and the child he would never get to see, Daveth and his family for he must had someone who cared for him that will never see him again, and all the other almost Grey Wardens that died much like their new fallen brothers before then even got the chance to make some difference in Ferelden, during the Blight or even after.
Then she cried for herself. She cried for the life she would never knew she would had if she would not have let herself succumb to the taint. She cried for her old life at the Circle Tower, even through she sometimes hated being in there. It was still the only home she ever known. She cried for herself being so weak to let herself break down like this. She had learned many things at the Circle and one that stuck with her the most even more then not dealing with a blood mage or falling in love with a templar, was that she should always be disciplined enough to control her emotions. Emotions were as dangerous as the Fade. Sometimes, they could control your decision much worse then any demon could.
Jo--He was the perfect example. He let love blind him into a future with Lily even at the cost of using blood magic to free himself not caring who he hurt: Irving, Greagoir, even her, his supposed friend. No, she would never be like that. She could never forget that. Yet, the more she thought about it now the more she wanted to start crying all over again. Maybe, she wasn't cut out for being a Grey Warden after all. She was too stuck in past and too sensitive to how others feel around her. Maybe the ritual got it wrong, maybe Daveth or Ser Jory deserved to be here instead of her. They would be doing a better job of handling the change then she was, right now. She began to wipe her eyes with her sleeves, finally starting to calm down and that's when she heard someone stop right next to her.
"Oh don't do that, dearie. Here take this to dry your eyes. It is better then your robe. Maker's breath, you hang around the men in this camp long enough and I think you begin to pick up some of their horrible habits. Next thing you know, they'll have you belching and telling crude jokes like you're of the boys." A lecturing, but kind voice said holding out a handkerchief to her. "Wynne?" Alexandra asked looking up instantly recognizing the elderly mage from the day before. "Yes, dear, unless you know someone else is walking around as a grey-haired young woman, mind you, lecturing people on what's right and what's wrong?" She said with a smile waving the handkerchief again. "No, I do not...Thank you, Wynne." Alexandra said taking it finally from her and drying her eyes.
"You don't mind a little company, do you?" Wynne asked and answered her own question as she immediately sat down beside her before Alexandra could say anything. She wouldn't have objected anyway, she was suddenly glad for the other mage's company. She did seem to give off a grandmotherly presence, even if Wynne might have knocked her on the head for that comparison. Alexandra smiled looking back at the view as the two sat in quietness for a while.
"Now, what is with all the tears? Did you have a little falling out with that blond-haired boy that you were with last night...Ali-Ali-" She paused for a second trying to remember his name. "Alistair? No, this has nothing to do with him...How do you know that anyway?" Alexandra asked more surprised that everyone in Ostagar seemed to know about that now, even the mage camp that was nowhere near the area. The smile in Wynne's eyes seemed to match the smile on lips as she responded, "These eyes are not just for show, dear. I still can see many, many things including that you currently distraught by something that you didn't want to tell Duncan or Alistair. The two people you seem to trust the most. So what is it?"
Alexandra smiled. Wynne was surely brighter then most people gave her credit for and she was far better at grasping subtle things that even younger people didn't realize, much to Alexandra's surprise. She sighed, taking a minute before answering her question unsure of how much she could tell Wynne, "the Joining Ritual was today. I'm a full fledged Grey Warden now." Wynne studied her for a moment, sorting out the hidden message in the young mage's statement before responding. "I see, yet you are not happy. I take it that other two did not survive? It is a sad thing to lose men that young just to stop a Blight." The elder mage said before shaking her head, sorrowfully.
Alexandra nodded in agreement, tightening her hold on her pendent. "Do-do you think I have what it takes to be a good Grey Warden?" She blurted out the haunting question that she had been wondering long before she ever took the Joining. Wynne looked at her immediately, but didn't answer. So, that was what all the tears were stemming from. Alexandra did not feel worthy of being chosen as a Grey Warden. The young mage probably thought that surviving the Joining was all a matter of luck, not skill, not unlike what Wynne felt after she completed her own Harrowing, so she could relate.
"You are here for a reason, child. You survived when others did not. Do not doubt that does mean something. All these feelings mean that you do care more about Thedas and others around you then you do yourself. That's not such a bad thing for a Grey Warden to do, is it? I think not." She finally answered moving her hand to comb the hair on the young mage's head that was moved out of place from the Joining. The more motherly gesture caused Alexandra to smile appreciably for Wynne's words and kindness.
"Just remember the Warden's oath, child, and you will be fine. In war, victory. In peace, vigilance. In death, sacrifice." Wynne added, getting to her feet and extending her hand out to help Alexandra up to hers. "How do you know so much of the Wardens, Wynne?" She asked taking her up on her offer and standing up. "That is question for another time, my dear. Don't you have somewhere else to be? I heard Alistair mumbling about the king and not a pretty picture. I'm sure you know what he meant." The elderly mage said smiling while dusting off her mage's robe.
"The king? Not a pretty picture? ...Oh, that is right. I'm needed at the meeting." Alexandra stated, rushing off having completely forgotten about the meeting being sidetrack by her own emotions. She half-way there when she realized she forgot to thank Wynne for her help. She stopped and turned around only to see nothing where Wynne stood only seconds earlier. Apparently the elderly mage was a lot faster then most people gave her credit as well. The young mage knew she still had a lot of lessons to learn from the elderly mage, and Alexandra knew Wynne would not be shy about sharing them all. Whether or not Alexandra was always ready and willing to learn those lessons had yet to be known.