A Day in the Life of Draco Malfoy

6:00AM: Rise with the sun; toss bed covers in a pile on the floor.

6:12AM: Grumble that the covers haven't yet been picked up and cleaned. Curse those stinkin' lazy house elves!

6:15AM: Practice sneer in the mirror whilst smiting Potter's name.

6:27AM: Interrupted by Crabbe's snoring.

6:28AM: Crabbe still snoring. Walk over to bed and kick him.

6:29AM: Sneer.

6:30-7:26AM: Fix hair. Use entire case of gel. Clean face – cleanse, tone, moisturise. Apply foundation and a smidge of kohl eyeliner (not an emo amount, but enough to highlight my baby blues). Practice sneer some more.

7:34AM: Head down to breakfast. Along the way, mess with a Hufflepuff first year; laugh at the welt the stinging hex leaves on the kid's cheek.

7:42AM: Glare at Potter's back while Pansy combs my hair with her fingers and feeds me bits of waffle and cream. Plot ways to bring about Potter's demise with Nott and Zabini over bacon.

7:45AM: Mention that Potter is a speccy git with a bad haircut. Feel superior grin spread across my face when my housemates laugh and agree.

8:02AM: Pass Granger on way to the library. I don't notice the shine to her hair. I also don't notice that her skin looks particularly bright today.

8:04AM: Okay, I did notice. Granger looked hot.

8:06AM: Head to Madam Pomfrey. I'm sure I'm ill.

8:17AM: Arrive at sickbay. Explain to Madam Pomfrey that I'm not acting myself. I may also mention that I fear I'm under the influence of one of those 'Wizard Wheezes' all the kids are talking about.

8:18AM: Grin smugly behind Pomfrey's back when she becomes concerned at this. Tell her that I saw Harry Potter acting suspicious at breakfast and think he slipped something in my pumpkin juice, then groan and clutch at my stomach for affect.

8:20AM-11:45AM: Regret coming to sickbay. Have been poked and prodded and feed potion after potion in order to determine what concoction Potter didn't slip me at breakfast. Have thrown up twice. The second time it was pink, which I'm sure isn't normal.

12:01PM: Dire times. I fear Pomfrey may have killed me.

12:02PM: Room spinning. I'm dead. Oh wait, I'm just throwing up again.

12:20PM: Sent back to class by a stern Pomfrey. She's figured out I lied. Feel sicker now than I did when I came to sickbay. Still have Granger's pretty hair in my mind, ugh!

12:25PM: Weasel points out I have sick up on my robes. Great. Sneer at him.

12:26PM: Snape glowers at me. So don't need his attitude right now. Notice Granger is sitting one row in front of me. Her hair is still pretty. My stomach flops.

12:27PM: Work out my stomach wasn't flopping because of Granger's pretty hair. Have thrown up again: all down Granger's back. Nice.

12:33PM: Have been sent back to sickbay by Snape. Take one look at Pomfrey glaring through the glass at me and decide not to risk it. Instead, I head down to the dungeons to feel sorry for myself.

12:35PM: Think of Granger twice on journey to the dungeons. Not wholly unpleasant thoughts, either. There's something seriously wrong with me.

1:00PM: Safely holed up in four-poster bed with curtains drawn, a bottle of half-empty Firewhisky in my lap. The mass consumption of Firewhisky hasn't helped with my stomach, but it has chased away all thoughts of Granger, which is what I wanted.

1:09-3:45PM: Alcohol-induced black out.

3:46PM: Throw up in the direction of Crabbe's bed. Serves him right annoying me with his snoring.

3:48PM: Thoughts of Granger are back. Pleasant thoughts. Unwanted thoughts. Stomach heaves, but I force down more Firewhisky anyway.

3:53PM: Granger has once again faded into oblivion. The world is right again.

4:12-8:02PM: Another alcohol-induced black out.

8:03PM: Wake feeling worse for wear. Drowning sorrows and Granger with a bottle of Firewhisky isn't a good idea, I note. Head is pounding. Stomach also rumbling (in the good, I'm-starving-and-will-pass-out-if-I-don't-get-some-food-in-me way).

8:05PM: Ignore Crabbe and Goyle's grunts and Pansy's snake-like arms and go in search of food (and hangover potion).

8:08PM: Stop by the glossy frame of a portrait along the way to check my reflection. Sneer.

8:09PM: Sneer some more.

8:21PM: Con house elf into getting me a piece of apple pie. Munch on it in a manner I would imagine the Neanderthal Potter would. Head to Professor Snape's office (where I know for a fact he keeps hangover potion).

8:30PM: Merlin's beard! Am apprehended by Granger.

8:31PM: Remark that Granger looks cute when she's angry. Am horrified I've just said this aloud.

8:32PM: If in doubt, sneer.

8:40PM: Am horrified again. Granger has let me go. Clearly she enjoyed being vomited on by the noble Prince of Slytherin. Must make note to do this again. Or not, if she enjoyed it. Am confused.

8:41PM: Suspect I've been Confunded. Head back to dungeons with pounding head and no hangover potion.

9:00PM: Remove makeup, including non-emo kohl eyeliner. Look at reflection in the mirror. Sneer while smiting Potter's name. Smile at my own sneering skill.

9:06PM: Bed. And absolutely no dreaming of Granger. No. Or her pretty hair.