Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad it sounds exciting, that was certainly my intention.
Please let me know what you think of Christine and this whole chapter!
.........
Tonight, I am wrapped up in a silky, black gown that is far too formal for something as simple as an evening walk. It was intended to be for the dinner that Raoul and I were to have together, but he has not been feeling well all day.
"I am so sorry," he says to me, clutching my hand. I have taken ill with something small, I am sure. Just give me… a good night's rest…"
I shush him comfortingly, and pull the covers over his shivering body. "I could bring you something up?" I offer, but he shakes his head violently.
"No food…" he says, looking clammy in the light. "Christine, I am so sorry—"
"Stop it," I scold him, carefully kissing him on his forehead. "I want you to rest. I can eat by myself, and then I'll go for a walk on that trail you showed me Please do not worry about me. Please."
He nods, and I rise slowly and leave him to his slumber.
I truly am not upset in any way. Of course, I am saddened that he is ill and disappointed that he will not be joining me for dinner, but what is a wife to do when her husband is ill? I have spent all day cooking the dinner for him, and basing it only around what he enjoyed—I did not enjoy fish. In fact, I am a little pleased that now I would not have to eat it.
I throw most of my prepared meal away, and end up snacking on a few chips and crackers from our lunch. Really, I am only stalling. I am waiting for night to fall.
There is something I must do.
You see, I made two very important promises to two very different men only a few days ago. One was to Raoul, and that was to be his lawfully wedded wife. It was easy promise to make, and one that I did not intend to go back on. I am now his wife, and I will be forevermore.
There was one more promise I made, only a few days before my wedding. I returned, and perhaps I shouldn't have. But Erik asked for an invitation to the wedding, and I was not about to deny him anything.
"I am so pleased you gave this to me. You have made me very happy. And promise me one thing, Christine…"
"Anything."
"Will you return… just one more time? After your wedding? I just want to see… I must know if you are happy."
"Of course, Erik… Of course."
Impossible to disobey!
I want to see him again.
I miss him.
It is not difficult to leave the little guesthouse, for Raoul is sound asleep when I make my way out. I decide against calling for a carriage, and instead I peacefully walk the mile or so to the Opera. I did not change out of my black silk dress.
When I arrive, I go quickly through the entrance he has shown me, and I painstakingly make my way down the familiar path. I do not know what I am doing, but something in my heart tells me it is the right thing to do.
I do not know what I expect, but I picture him waiting for me in the front room, eagerly anticipating this as much as I. However, I knock and knock, and there is no answer.
Discouraged, but not deterred, I go around back where I know there is a secret entrance in the stone. I wiggle with it, being careful not to ruin my gown and wrap, before sliding it into place and hearing the welcoming click of… home.
Not much has changed as I step inside… except that it is cold. Very, very cold. I shiver and walk around the room, calling, "Erik?" as I did before.
How long did I wait for him? I cannot say, my mind was so full. Eventually, I cross over and pull a heavy quilt and sit on the divan, waiting for him… and then there is the sound of bells, and the door is opening.
He is tensed, and he is angry, looking for an intruder… When he catches sight of me, he freezes and watches me with wide eyes.
"Christine?" he says, as if he cannot believe it is really me.
I almost die at the sound of his voice, at the rush of familiar recognition pumping through my body.
"I came back," I whisper stupidly.
There is a pause.
He goes into motion then, closing the door and removing his jacket. He moves towards me gently, as if I am a wild animal he might scare off. "You…?" he says.
"I came back, for you," I say again, lifting my head to stare at him. "Like you wanted. After my… marriage."
His face grows dark. "Your marriage." he repeats.
Without thinking, without registering anything that has happened in the last ten seconds, I stretch out my hands eagerly and take his own. "How I've missed you!" I say impatiently. "How I've missed you!"
For a moment, he only stares down at me. "Why have come back?" he asks breathlessly.
I pause, confused. I thought that would be obvious. "I promised I would," I said blankly. "And I have missed you, and I had a chance, so I came…"
He kneels down next to me, our hands still clasped, and gently pushes my hair behind my ears. "My Christine," he says softly. "You have never broken your word to me."
"Never," I say proudly.
He only stares at me, and I can only stare back.
Everything fits in together here, like some giant jigsaw puzzle. I am happy with Raoul in the light, and I am happy with Erik in the dark. I knew I needed to return to be complete, but what will happen when I leave again?
"Then tell me," he says. "Are you happy?"
His voice is so masculine and lovely, and I smile at him. "Oh, yes."
He looks down instantly, and I am afraid I have said something wrong.
"I am happy for you, then," he mumbles, barely audible. I hesitate, and then I lift up his chin with my finger. His eyes widen again at our contact.
"You do not seem happy," I observe, and his eyes flash and duck down again.
"Of course I am happy for you," he says a bit stiffly. "How could I not be? When you are happy, I am happy." He waits for a moment, to be sure that I am not going to say anything. "And is your marriage… everything you thought it would be?"
Unexpectedly, I pull my hands away from him and look the other way. That was a personal question, and he is the one person I cannot lie to. I am afraid of looking at him now. I am afraid he will make me tell him the truth.
"Christine?" Erik probes, his long fingers wrapping around my arm and shoulder, forcing my body to turn towards him. "Why do you turn away from me?"
"I am not a good wife…" I mutter.
He stops and tilts his head. "How are you not a good wife?" he says quizzically. "You are everything… everything a man could want in a wife."
I blush, I cannot help it, and I feel as though the involuntary heat in my cheeks is a betrayal of Raoul.
"Everything with Raoul is happy," I say slowly. "We eat together, we laugh together, we go for walks every night. But… it's difficult for me…" I hesitate, the rest of my body growing warmer to match my face. "I mean, we are young… And I am very nervous about… the bedroom…" I trail off pathetically.
Erik's yellow eyes have not moved from me. "That is common," he says brusquely. "You are young, and you will learn."
I hate to hear him talk about such things in reference to me. As if he has any more experience that I had…!
"It isn't exactly how I thought it would be," I muse, more to myself than him.
His face flickers with emotion, and then settles on looking disgruntled. "You know, my darling, this is not something that you need to share with me."
Something inside of me bursts, a dreadful conclusion I had reached within myself not long after my fairy-tale wedding. "But it is! Because you're the only one who can understand! It's not what I wanted! It's not passion! One week of marriage, and we've done it twice. Twice! Because I can't stand it, and he is so humiliated when I ask him to stop, and we can't enjoy it and I have no idea what to do!"
I clutch at him and he wraps his arms around me while I choke into his shoulder.
"You simply do not know what to expect," he says calmly, although I sense he is hiding something.
"I don't feel anything," I say flatly.
"You will."
"How would you know?" I accuse, pulling back from him. "How many times have you pleasured a woman?"
His lip curls in defense. "I am much older than you and your husband, Christine. Deeds do not have to actually be performed for one to grasp the understanding of an action. I have felt lust, I daresay, more times that you have, my little songbird."
I want to be angry at him, for a stirs a gentle part of my soul. It is exciting in ways I do not understand… "I do not want Raoul to pleasure me. It feels sinful."
"It is a part of marriage."
"I don't like it. It ruins everything between us."
"You should have thought of this before you married him."
"Then what else was I to do?" I snap back. "Marry you? What would you do any differently…?" I drag my sentence off, and he is watching me with a sharp eye.
"Christine?" he says, and his voice is incredibly tight.
I shrug and try to look away, ignoring the pounding of my heart. "I have performed love scenes in opera. I know what passion is. And the only one who every brought it out in me… is you."
"Christine, you have to leave."
"Erik…"
He stands, pulling me upright. "I said, go!" As he does so, the quilt I had curled up to me falls from my body, exposing my black evening gown. His eyes drop to it nervously, and his defenses relax for the briefest of seconds.
"If you send me away," I say bravely, although my voice is wavering. "I will come back."
His hands drop from my arm to my waist, so he can touch the silky material. "How beautiful you are," he murmurs unwillingly.
I feel it then, that flash when he touches me, and I nearly jump in shock.
"There!" I yell, and he recoils back, his eyes looking furtive and guilty. "Erik… teach me… Teach me passion…"
His eyes are crazy, uncontrollable. "Have you lost your mind?" he whispers to me.
I step forward, laying my hands on his chest, before pushing my lips up against his, as I have done once before.
The effect is immediate, and I love it. This is where passion belongs—down here in the dark, in secret and in silence, not up in my marriage. Why should marriage be so ruined by something like this? This is to be shared with a lover, with someone who incites the sin within you. I do not want to share this sin with my husband. I do not want to taint him in that way.
Erik's mouth clamps down on mine, and I know that if I press forward, he will not resist me. This is a sin… but it is beautiful.
Somewhere in the back of my head, I know I have not planned this. I did not come down here with a scenario in mind, or with any sort of structure of a seduction. All I wanted was to see if I could find that missing element in my split world of light and dark—I have the light. Now I need the dark.
"Christine," he whispers, pulling away. "I cannot… I will not do this to you. You are young and confused… You must go back…"
I shush him, just like I shushed my ill husband at home. "I need you," I say back to him, and I gently nip at his lips with my own while stepping backwards… backwards… towards the bedroom.
"No, no, oh God, no," he protests, but he follows me. His hands touch every silken inch of my black gown, then lift up my hair as he presses his face against my neck. I lean back as the bed approaches so that he is hovering over me, his eyes terribly unsure.
I am frightened, but I am no longer a virgin, at least. I know the physical act now, I know the motions and the design… Now all I need is that little spur of energy to make is more than just a physical act. I must do this… for my marriage.
"Christine?" he says one last time, and his voice has gone deliriously weak with desire. It makes me shiver in anticipation. I stretch out my arms to him, my body begging for his pressure on top of me, within me. It is like the music I sing, where the two lovers are lost in themselves, their hearts crying out with love…
Lovers.
Raoul will be my husband.
I make up my mind in a split second, as Erik's mouth comes once again to mine, and I stretch my hands through his hair, my adrenaline racing throughout my blood—
—Erik will be my lover.
Balance.
.......
I think I'm going to keep it 'T' for now, but let me know if you want it 'M'. That would give me a bit more freedom with the love scenes, but I think I can still do them in a 'T' rating!