A/N

So two weeks later, here's the next chapter. I apologize for publishing it late but this chapter was much harder to write than I thought. I'm still not sure what I think of it really. I do, though, know what I think of the reviews and alerts from Chapter 8…they were wonderful! So thank you for those. As you read this chapter, the paragraphs in italics are Beckett's dreams. I hope you find this chapter was worth the wait…

Chapter 9

Watching Beckett sleep, Castle's own fears of what the night will bring seem to be growing. That she's asleep at all is a relief yet it's done little to quiet the nagging voice inside his head. The voice that swears it's only a matter of time before Beckett opens her eyes and demand he go. As the minutes pass, he tries to focus on the hand that remains tucked in his and the relaxed face inches away from his own. Doing so helps to make the voice start to fade. Castle knows pushing people away is her first instinct. Sometimes he sees her fighting against it, other times surrendering to it. It's always there, protecting Beckett or so she believes. Until today, there were few scenarios he would dare to even imagine in which she needed him for something personal. Castle considers her acceptance of his help tonight as a victory in the hard-fought battle for Kate's trust. It's a win that leaves him hopeful she just might allow herself to let it happen again.

Whether or not Kate Beckett will be able to admit that she needs him in her life, Castle can no longer deny that he needs her in his. How close he came to losing her and the reality of how it felt makes that impossible now. From the beginning, shadowing Beckett was to be a temporary diversion. It shocked him that when the time came, letting go proved infinitely harder than he ever anticipated when he began this game. When she declared their partnership finished, he did everything in his power to make sure that didn't happen. Even when he was ready to trade Nikki Heat for spy novels, walking away from her was never part of the plan. It seems somewhere between weaseling his way into Detective Beckett's life and publishing Heat Wave, he developed a very real need to have Kate in his life. It is a need he barely understands except to know it goes far beyond infatuation or literary inspiration. It is the one thing he never expected and that worries him.

Lavender. Kate smells it before her eyes even open. Taking a deep breath she lets her mind wander back to the days when lavender was her favorite wake up call. As she opens her eyes, the stark white walls remind her that instead of being home, she's in a hospital. Disappointed, she's at least relieved to be free of her earlier panic. In its place is a calmness she rarely experiences. Remembering she's not alone, she turns around.

"It's about time you woke up. I've been waiting."

Sitting up, Kate blinks the sleep out of her eyes. She's stared at the pictures a million times. Spent countless hours scanning the face, the body for just one more thing that she can say looks like her. As the years passed, such similarities have become nearly impossible to find. Still she keeps searching, staring at them even closer. Each time stung by the reality that no matter how close she holds onto those pictures, the woman in them always seems to be moving further and further away. Now here she is. So close she could whisper. So real she could touch her. So much better than a picture, "Mom"

As Beckett calls out for her mom, Castle notices something very different in her voice. He's heard her say the word often, each time it's surrounded by sadness. Leaving her lips tonight, the word is spoken with love, wonder even. The sound of it makes him smile, easing some of his concern that all of her memories of her mom are marred by sadness.

Castle can't imagine what losing her mother must have been like for Beckett. To put her life back together once had to painful enough yet she had to do it twice. The second time made harder because she was turning her back on the hunt for her mother's killer and trying to keep her father from killing himself with alcohol. Castle would never dare pity her but his heart breaks at the thought of what Beckett went through during that period of her life. He knows what it's like to grow up without ever knowing a parent. As a child it was difficult, and, he was envious of the kids with dads. For years, he would create intricate stories explaining away his dad's absence. In the end, they were just stories and after awhile he didn't need them anymore. He imagines it must be devastating having that parent in your life one moment and then without warning gone forever. In that way, Beckett is a constant reminder of one of his greatest fears for his own daughter. If anything should happen to him, he worries what would become of Alexis. Who would love her? Comfort her? Would she let anyone else ever get close enough? Those are questions he doesn't have answers to but he's convinced that the woman beside him gives Alexis her best chance of being alright should that fear ever become a reality.

Castle knows it's going to be a long night, still, seeing Beckett looking cozy beneath her many blankets gives him some comfort. He fears her nightmares are about her mom and, more specifically, her mom's murder. Beckett spends her days witnessing and avenging the awful acts of others yet the loss of her mother is the one thing that haunts her. He's sure it's the reason for the somber look she sometimes gets. It's a look that robs her green eyes of their spark and carries her somewhere far away. He suspects it's a place where she relives happier times growing up in a house full of love and laughter only to mourn them just as quickly. One day maybe she'll tell him. In the meantime, he's satisfied knowing that there is some peace in the world for Kate Beckett even if it only exists in her dreams.

"You really need to take better care of yourself Kit Kat."

Looking at a smiling Johanna Beckett, Kate can't resist returning her smile. She hasn't heard Kit Kat in forever. Only her parents had ever called her that. It was one of the many things her dad no longer did. She resists the urge to reach over to touch her mom's face,"Is it really you?"

Johanna takes Kate's hand covering it with her own ,"You know you always get sick when you don't get enough sleep. That's how you ended up with pneumonia for Christmas in the 9th grade."

Her mom's hand feels just as she remembers. The skin warm and smooth, her grip gentle yet firm. Kate can feel the tears in her eyes as she looks down at the nails painted the familiar wine color. Her mom would meticulously keep her nails painted and trimmed, the same time yelling at her daughter for biting her own. Kate speaks without looking up, "Mom. I don't understand."

As Kate moves her hand, Castle feels a twinge of disappointment. Expecting she's about to let go, he reluctantly loosens his grip. To his surprise, she doesn't. Squeezing tighter, she brings his hand with hers so that they rest against her face. The soft feel of her bottom lip pressing on his thumb and the warmth of her breath sends chills through him. That she has this effect on him makes Castle feel like a teenager on his first date. It's not as if he's never held a woman's hand before. It's not even the first time he's held Beckett's hand. No, the first time was the evening of the charity ball. After all this time, he still can't believe how nervous he had been waiting for her to arrive at his apartment. A complete disgrace to the ladies man reputation he had painstakingly built over his career. Beckett spent much of the ride from his apartment to the event going over last minute details on the phone with Ryan and Esposito. Castle, on the other hand, heard hardly any of it. He was too distracted by how exquisite Beckett looked in the dress he picked out for her and checking to make sure his hands weren't sweating as much as he imagined. It was only when they pulled up to the red carpet and he was in front of the flashbulbs that his nerves disappeared. Playing to the crowd as usual, smiling for fans and paparazzi, Castle had offered his hand to Beckett just as she was about to step out of the car. The second her hand touched his, he was mesmerized. It was what happened every time she let him see beyond the walls of Beckett to catch a small glimpse of Kate. It was only then that he realized how very nervous the normally unflappable detective was. Since he's met her a day hasn't gone by that he hasn't taken a moment to admire how beautiful she was but when nervous, the woman was absolutely adorable. Castle smiles thinking of the mix of uncertainty and trust he saw in her eyes as she prepared to exit the limo. Before she stood, she drew a deep breath and squeezed his hand. It made his pulse race just like it's doing right now.

"It's simple. I'm your mom. It's my job to be here when you're sick."

Overwhelmed, Kate looks up trying to take everything in. Her mom looks and sounds exactly the same. Kate knows this is impossible it's just that it feels so real. Her mind is racing as she tries to memorize every detail. She wishes she could lock it away in a place that will forever go untouched by time.

"Where's that girl who loved to laugh and smile? What have you done with her?"

"I still do those things."

"Yes, but not nearly enough, not as much as you used to."

It's true. She doesn't. She hasn't been that person for a long time. She could never give herself permission to be so happy again. How could she with her mom dead? With her killer living life as if he hadn't stolen something precious? So many thoughts running through her head, suddenly she had no idea what to say.

Her mom brushes her bangs away from her eyes "Your hair's getting long again. I like it. You know what else I like?"

Kate closes her eyes. Even as a teenager, she loved it when her mom brushed her hair. As she sat on her parents' bed, her mom would always want to talk. School, boys, trips she would take, things she would do, the grandchildren she would watch torture her daughter, anything and everything. The brushing was so relaxing and her mom's voice so soothing, it always made Kate want to fall asleep. Kate opens her eyes, "What?"

"Your friend," Johanna gives her daughter a knowing look, "Oh, don't pretend you don't know. He's with you now."

"With me…" Kate looks around the room trying to remember. She winces as her mom lightly touches the bruise on her forehead. Immediately she's overcome with the disappointment of realizing it really is a dream, "Castle."

Beckett is a woman who prides herself in always being in complete control. She takes great care in all that she does, including her choice of words. That she talks in her sleep is a rather interesting development. That she is saying his name in her sleep is making Castle perfectly giddy. Grinning from ear to ear, his mind races through the possible scenarios. Beckett's starred in his dreams more times than he can count. For obvious reasons, those dreams never fail to leave him with a smile on his face but there's something else. The Kate Beckett of his dreams is always happy. It's what he wishes for her.

Castle's curiosity grows seeing her brow wrinkle. She does the exact same thing right before she's figured out something in a case. He's seen it a thousand times. Each time he gets excited because he knows there's something coming. Like him, Beckett gets a rush when she starts unlocking the final pieces of the mystery. Castle enjoys watching her do that almost as much as he enjoys doing it with her. She is quite possibly one of the smartest people he's ever met. In his line of work, he's met many great minds. She, though, is a lethal combination of both cunning and intelligence. She's not a liar yet she is not above using subterfuge when it suits her. In recent months, she's shown a particular penchant for tricking him. Each time she does, he finds himself more and more intrigued by her. He had suspected she was playful but she hid it so well he began doubting himself. That she so willingly shows him that side of her now only intensifies his attraction.

"Yes, that's him. He takes good care of you."

Kate's first instinct is to roll her eyes. The truth is she has been noticing more of that side of Castle. She's can't put her finger on it but something has definitely changed between them. His questions that she used to see as bait for more information for his books, she now sees as concern or support. The nice things he does for her like getting her a cup of coffee seem more genuine now and less like a ploy to get something in return. She's just not sure. "I wouldn't go that far."

Johanna Beckett shakes her head, "Always so stubborn. He's good for you. He makes you laugh and you smile more when he's around. He's even saved your life once or twice."

Her mom's right of course. Castle's done those things and more. He saved her with his books before he even knew her. "Mom, that's not exactly…"

"Don't even try to deny it young lady."

Seeing her own smirk staring back at her all Kate can do is laugh. It's as if she's standing in front of a mirror. This is the one look she gives that her dad immediately tells Kate she resembles her mother.

"He's even sharing his family with you."

Thinking of a response, Kate feels her face get warm and can't seem to control her smile. He has never hesitated to open up his home to her. From that first time she saw Castle and Alexis dressed in that ridiculous laser tag equipment until now, he's done nothing but welcome her into his home. All of the Castles have. Still, what do any of those things really mean? Nothing is as it appears with Rick Castle, "How do you…"

"Because I'm still watching. Still making sure you're okay."

Her mom's words bring the tears back to her eyes. Since Kate was a little girl, her mom's told her that she had an angel watching over her. As a child she believed this without question but that lessened in her teenage years. Between the night of her mom's death and the funeral, Kate prayed every night that angels did indeed exist and that her mom would be hers. She hasn't stopped believing since. The idea of her mom watching over her has always brought her comfort. Of course, there have been times when her belief has been tested. Those years her dad was drinking, Kate often wondered where that angel went. She felt so alone then that she convinced herself she didn't deserve to be happy if she couldn't make things right by getting her dad sober and solving her mom's case. Kate struggled to understand how her mom could abandon her again when she needed her most. Still, even in her darkest moments, part of her always believed that angels existed. Now she prefers to think they sometimes watch from afar to let you work things out on your own.

"Mom," Kate's voice is barely a whisper. She's forgotten how nice it is to say the word, "I miss you."

"I know. I miss you too. I'm so proud of you." Johanna leans over, wrapping her daughter in a hug. She rubs circles on her back as she rocks her.

Kate's brain reminds her it's a dream. Her heart, though, desperately wants to believe that it's real. Wants to believe that her mom's here, just as she remembered her. Wants to be able to erase that horrible night that changed everything. So for this moment, she chooses to turn her back on the realist that she has become so that she can be the dreamer that she once was. Doing so lets her feel whole again.

The expression on Beckett's face makes Castle beam. Flipping through his Beckett file, he cannot find a single one like it. The closest he finds is the one that graces her face when she closes a case. Even that smile, though, is tinged with sadness for the lives lost and the loved ones left behind. He wonders what it is that can possibly put such a peaceful smile on Beckett's face. Whatever the reason, he's thankful for it.

It's after 1:00am and, all of a sudden, Castle's the one struggling to stay awake. The exhaustion of flying cross country is catching up to him. As usual, he was too excited to see Alexis to actually sleep on the plane. He left her only as much as was necessary and never for longer than a week. On top of that, he was practically counting down to when he'd get to see Beckett as he sat through that boring meeting with his publisher. Not that he minds being tired. Alexis and Beckett are both certainly worth a little sleep deprivation and more. Convinced Beckett's okay for now, he closes his eyes pushing aside thoughts of hospitals, nightmares, murders and other worries. Instead he allows himself to consider the possibility of a future filled with more nights of falling asleep next to Kate.

A/N:

Thanks for reading! No worries…plenty of Beckett/Castle goodness in the final few chapters