Dementia

Chapter 8: Speak and Be Heard

Sora dragged his heavy feet towards room 40 where his first group therapy session was to be held, with Zell following closely behind him. It was those damn pills again. Ever since he arrived at this hospital, the doctors were closely monitoring his medication intake and they were more observant than Riku, so they knew right away when he tried to hide the pill in the side of his mouth. On the one hand, scary Roxas hadn't visited him in his dreams, but now he felt like crap. He just wanted to curl up and sleep for a few more days, but even that seemed hopeless. Still, he was glad his roommate was tolerable. Zell mirrored Sora's old personality and he was what Sora strived to revert back to. But first, therapy.

When Sora and Zell arrived in room 40, there was already a small group of people assembled. A fair-haired woman with glasses stood to greet them.

"I think you two are the last of them," she said, waving her hand towards the two empty chairs. All the seats were arranged in a circle. Once the two were seated, the woman cleared her throat and picked up her clipboard. Sora grimaced at the sight of any clipboard now. "Welcome everyone. My name is Dr. Quistis Trepe, but you can all just call me Quistis." She took a seat again. "Why don't we start by going around introducing ourselves?" She turned to the person on her left. "Would you like to start?"

This man wore a red jacket with a long back, which gave it the appearance of a cloak. He rubbed his tired eyes and stood. "My name's Vincent. Vincent Valentine."

"Hello Vincent," the group murmured in unison. Sora kept his mouth shut, for fear of saying something stupid. Vincent looked to Quistis on whether or not he should continue, to which she nodded encouragingly.

"I'm here because I was a lab rat in some doctor's strange idea for an experiment. I don't remember much of it, but I remember the day I was rescued by the military. Afterwards, I suffered from severe mental shock and had to come here for treatment. That was three years ago. Safe to say I'm a lot better now, but there's still the lingering aftereffects so I'm still here." He sat back down, feeling he said everything he wanted.

Next was a teenager beside Vincent. He looked irritated, as if he was brought there against his will. Quistis gave him a meaning look, so he stood. "The name's Zidane Tribal." He didn't pause to allow the group to say hello back. "Cops nabbed me outside a convenience store a couple months back with about $130 worth of stolen merchandise. They sent me here because they think I'm a kleptomaniac." With a huff, Zidane sat back down.

Up next was none other than Lulu. She seemed reluctant to share with the others her personal problems and didn't bother standing, but she spoke anyway. "My name's Lulu." The group murmured a greeting to her, to which she shifted awkwardly. "I'm here because I have clinical depression. My…" She paused, suddenly getting upset. "My fiancée Chappu was killed in a car accident six months ago. Our wedding would have been four months ago. After he died, I… I didn't know what to do with myself." Her face went blank as she fidgeted with sleeves. "I've tried to kill myself three times since the accident." There was a long pause after she was done. Zell was next, but he didn't know if Lulu was going to continue or not.

After Quistis cleared her throat, she nodded at Zell, letting him know it was all right for him to speak. He stood and said, "I'm Zell."

"Hello Zell," said the group.

"I don't know what my last name is because I have amnesia. All I remember is waking on a beach and wandering into the hospital. They referred me here and I've been here ever since, trying to remember who I am. No one ever filed a missing person fitting my description." He sat down and nudged Sora playfully, getting him to stand.

Sora stared at the small group of people with problems. They stared back. He sighed and opened his mouth to speak, pausing as he tried valiantly to compose his thoughts and keep them composed when he spoke. "I'm Hell-bringer, uh, Sora, I mean Sora." The group exchanged perturbed looks between each other before giving Sora their full attention again. Already he felt like an outcast. They didn't even bother saying hello. "They say I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." He remember that term from his last session with Galuf Doe where Galuf finally revealed his theory on what was wrong with Sora. "I can't eat unless I can't see. And Nobody visits my nightmares unless I take pills." The last part didn't make much sense to anyone, but they disregarded it. Sora paused as he tried to think of something else to say and when nothing came to mind, he sat back down.

Quistis took a deep breath. "Well, now that introductions are out of the way, let's get started, shall we?" She went through her notes carefully, scanning each page. "Why don't we talk about what we hope to achieve here in the long run? What are some of your life goals? Things you want to do after you're discharged from the clinic?" Sora didn't like the sounds of that. Was she implying that they were to remain in the hospital for years, like Vincent and Zell? And were they even allowed to leave of their own free will?

Quistis turned to Vincent, indicated she wanted him to speak first. Since he had been there the longest out of all of them, she probably thought he would be best in helping the others adjust to the idea of group therapy.

"In the long run, I want what everyone else wants: a normal life." A few members of the group exchanged looks but didn't comment. "I'd like to possibly get over the mental shock of the experiments and move on. I'm not sure what's in store for me or what I could achieve once I'm out of this place, but I guess the mystery is what intrigues me the most. The idea of walking into the unknown is more comforting than trying to plan things out." Vincent turned to the restless Zidane and sent him a look that said 'Speak'.

"Look, all I want is to get out of here," the blonde teen growled.

"But don't you want to learn how to overcome your kleptomania condition?" Quistis asked gently.

"I don't have a condition, alright?" Zidane snapped. "All I got is a court order telling me to stay here until you people say I'm cured. After that, I'm gone." Quistis wasn't fazed by Zidane's attitude problem. She was used to dealing with troubled youth such as him.

"The first step towards recovery is admitting you have a problem," she said patiently. Zidane kissed his teeth at her comment. Since he wasn't keen on speaking, the group turned to Lulu for her turn. She immediately felt uncomfortable again by their stares.

"I want what Vincent wants," she cast the dark brooding man a quick look before shyly looking away. "I just want to be normal again. I don't want to forget Chappu, but I want the pain to go away. I just want to be happy again." She cleared her throat and glanced at Zell for his turn.

"Well I think it's pretty straight forward what I want," he said with a grin. "I want my memories back. I want to know if I had a family or friends and where they are. I just want to know who I am. And why I always have an incredible craving for hotdogs and bread." Zell looked briefly confused as he thought about his last statement before turning eagerly for Sora to speak. He had grown rather fond of Sora's random ramblings and actually looked forward to the illegible nonsense he blurted out.

"It'd be nice to make sense," Sora managed to say without too much difficulty. It went downhill from there. "No more dead girls, wisps of red hair and blood. Night is no longer sacred. Dreamscape turned into a battleground. Sins should be forgiven. Food! I want to eat normal food! And can the dead rise? I'd like that. Too late for a phoenix down. I miss her a lot." The group exchanged uneasy stares. Zidane made a huff noise. Zell looked ecstatic. Sora clenched his eyes shut, mentally kicking himself. This speech problem of his was causing a great deal of embarrassment for him.

"Alright, that concludes this group therapy session!" Quistis quickly announced to break the tension. "Please note your scheduled appointments for the week and be prompt. I'll see you all throughout the day!" She gathered her things and stood beside the door as the occupants slowly left the room. Sora was the last one out and Quistis stepped in front of the door to stop him. "Sorry to hold you back for a moment, but I'd like a quick word."

"Catch the word, then," Sora replied as if it were the most obvious thing to do. Quistis smiled.

"Yes, well, I'd like to just give you a formal welcome to the Destiny Psychiatric Hospital. I heard you were reluctant to come."

"Stabbed in the back by my best friend," Sora said bitterly.

"Sora, please understand that Riku did this for your own good. He was trying to help you the only way he could. When you're all better, you'll understand that."

"When's that, then? Months? Years?" Sora shuddered to think he'd be stuck in a place like this for as long as Vincent had been there.

"It'll take as long as it takes. Mental recovery is one thing that should never be rushed, so don't force your mind to heal or you'll make things worse. Please trust us here. We mean to help you." Sora folded his arms and Quistis understood that he was now in a state of seclusion, not letting her statements sink in, so she nodded and stepped aside to let Sora go. "Just be on time for our appointment tomorrow. The rest of the week is yours to do what you please."

"Can I leave the grounds?" The blonde woman bit her lip.

"Unfortunately, no… I'm sorry, but we need to keep you here to help you."

"So I'm a prisoner."

"Please don't look at it like that." Quistis waved her hand towards the door, so Sora shrugged and left the room.

It was lunchtime when Sora reached the cafeteria. Thanks to the pills, he was able to maintain enough coherency to at least fill his plate up with food without it turning into something horrible. He took his regular seat next to Zell and across from Lulu. Just as he was about to start eating, Zell poked him and pointed to a familiar red-cloaked man making his way towards them. Without a word, Vincent took a seat next to Lulu with his own tray of food and ate silently. Lulu gave him a shy look before returning to her own food. Zell eyed their interaction with interest. In the background, unseen by anyone, Zidane skimmed past their table, snatching Zell's muffin from his plate.

"I hardly ever see you out of your room, Vincent," Zell said. Vincent glanced up briefly, made a tiny noise of acknowledgment and went back to eating. "So what brings you out into the sunlight?" Vincent didn't reply. "Got any plans today? I was going to show the new kid around." Zell jabbed a thumb in Sora's direction. The younger boy rolled his eyes and went to tie the black bandana around his eyes. Vincent ignored Zell and looked up at Sora.

"Is that how you keep the visions at bay?" he asked bluntly. Sora was taken aback by Vincent's comment, but he nodded, somewhat surprised at the attention. "Hn. I used to do that too." He pointed to the red bandana he was wearing. "It worked for a while but…" He shook himself as if he realized he was speaking and focused back on his food. Zell's eyes went back and forth between the two. The rest of lunch was spent in silence.

OOOoooOOO

The 'tour' of the hospital's grounds was a boring one. It had an expansive amount of acres, but the boundaries were bordered off with a menacing-looking fence. The only way in or out was through the gatehouse that Riku had driven them past on Sora's first day. Sora never felt more like a prisoner in his life.

In the evening, the nurse from the front counter would check up on him to ensure he was taking his medication and not harboring anything he wasn't supposed to, say for example, a knife. The nurse would often ramble on about nonsense as she checking Sora's pulse and eyes. He had learned that her name was Garnet and she was a new nurse, fresh off the 'wagon' for about a year now. She had hopes and dreams of helping millions of people.

When the nurse had finished her regular check-up and administered Sora's medication, she left the room. Sora settled into bed and glanced at Zell's bed. The blonde was already asleep. Sora was rather jealous of the fact that Zell didn't need pills to be out like a light. When drowsiness overcame him, Sora closed his eyes, but they only remained closed for a moment. He heard a small thud and searched the room for the source of the sound. His plastic cup had fallen over.

"Glad that got your attention," said a familiar voice. Sora finally noticed a pair of feet standing next to the cup. Praying it wasn't who he thought it was, his eyes followed upwards and saw the familiar cold blue eyes staring back at him. He stifled a yell of surprised and backed away on his bed until his back was flat against the wall, leaving him no where else to go. Roxas, his inner demon, grinned with malice.

"What do you want?" Sora said with a shudder. "How did you…?" He was so sure the pills had taken affect.

"I found a way to neutralize the effect those little tablets of yours were having on your mind," Roxas explained. "Took a little while to figure out, but as you can see, I finally did." Sora began sweating. He held his hand out to summon his Keyblade, but nothing happened. His eyes widened. "Oops, did I forget to mention I'm in control of this hallucination?" Sora smiled somewhat.

"If this is just a hallucination, then you're not real either. So you can't kill me!"

"You really believe that?" Roxas asked with a hint of amusement. "Besides, who says I'm here to kill you?" He summoned the Oblivion in a flash of light and turned towards Zell's sleeping form. All sensible and rational thought left Sora's mind. He temporarily forgot that Roxas was nothing more than an illusion, and only became aware of impending doom for Zell.

"No!" He jumped out of bed at Roxas. The next moment was a blur as he crashed into the ground. Something smashed and Sora was dimly aware that his head hurt.

Zell jolted awake and looked around. He blindly reached out to turn on his lamp, only to find it missing. He swung his feet out of bed and they landed on something warm and lumpy. Blurrily, he looked down at Sora's form, his lamp in pieces around his head. Sora looked up sheepishly. Zell blinked, not moving his feet.

"Why are you on the floor?" he asked directly. Sora looked around, as if realizing where he was.

"Because your feet are on my back."

"Ah." Zell lifted his feet and stepped around Sora, careful not to step on any of the pieces of his broken lamp. Before he could say anything else, there was a loud knock at their door and it flew open, flooding the room with bright light from the hallway. Sora and Zell groaned as their eyes tried painfully to adjust to the light.

"I heard the noise, is everything okay?" Garnet asked in one breath. Zell grinned his boyish grin and waved a hand away.

"Everything's fine, Sora was just sleep-walking!" he explained with a lie. Garnet breathed a sigh of relief and smiled.

"Okay, just making sure." She closed the door. Zell fumbled in the dark and found the light switch as Sora sat up, brushing the small pieces of the lamp out of his hair.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "My mind got carried away, I guess…" He felt stupid for letting himself think that one of his delusions could actually harm someone else. He was more a danger to anyone than Roxas ever would be. "I thought someone was standing over your bed with a sword." Zell found a convenient broom in the closet and went to sweep up the mess.

"Don't worry about." He shrugged off Sora's offering hand of help. "I one time had this vivid nightmare of choking on a hot dog. My roommate was so nervous I was having a seizure or something, he had called in all the nurses. When I woke up, I was surrounded by all these people. Freaked the hell out of me!" He laughed as he recalled the memory. "It took an hour of explaining just to get them to get off my back." Sora tried to find humor in that story, but could not. Not when there was an entity in his mind that was turning psychotic. Or perhaps Roxas had already turned a while ago.

OOOoooOOO

The following morning, according to Sora's timetable, he had a 10 o'clock appointment with Dr. Trepe in room 561. He had no trouble finding the room since Zell had shown him around. He had thought about skipping it and hiding out in his room, but he reconsidered after remember that he wasn't just here for his own sake, he was here so he could return back to Riku a sane man.

Gingerly, he rapped on the large door three times and waited. The door opened a crack and Sora looked in to see Quistis' blonde hair and glasses.

"Right on time, Sora," she greeted in a friendly tone and opened the door wide enough to let him in. For the most part, her office looked remarkably like Galuf Doe's office, with the exception that Quistis kept more plant life around ("Makes the place feel warmer," she had explained).

Quistis rounded her desk and took a seat. She had a medium-sized file folder on the desktop and some little desk decorations, such as a two-head wooden llama, a perpetual motion red bird that forever dunked its head into a cup of water, and a Newton's Cradle, which was still at the moment, but when one ball was drawn back, it would clink against the middle ones and send the one on the other end bouncing. Sora decided he liked this office just a little more than Galuf's.

"Please, have a seat," Quistis offered. "Anywhere you like." Thinking himself clever, Sora took a seat next to the perpetual motion bird on the desk. Quistis took no notice as she arranged her notes. "You know how many patients I've had in the past who have done that?" She looked up past her glasses with a mischievous glint in her eyes. "All the one who turned out sane in the end." She went back to her notes, leaving Sora to dwell on that. "Even Zell. Well, actually, he took a seat on my lap." She cracked a grin. Sora slowly got up from the desk and took a proper seat in one of the chairs.

Once Quistis had all her notes organized, she got out her trusty clipboard (no psychiatrist leaves home without it) and a good pen for writing. "Here's what we're going to do," she explained. "I have some inkblots and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind when I hold one up. Understand?" Sora hesitated and then nodded. "Good." She held up the first one.

"Blood," Sora immediately said. Quistis wrote that down. She held up the next one. "Blood." Quistis paused before writing that down and moving on to the next one. "Blood." She put the card down.

"You mean to tell me that every single one you see is making you think blood?" Sora nodded. Quistis picked up the first card. "Would you like to know what I see when I look at these cards?" He shrugged. "A butterfly." She picked up the second card. "A bird." She picked up the third card. "A rabbit paw." Sora made a noise of interest. "So you see how this works?" He nodded. "Now let's try again, shall we?" She held up the fourth card from the pile.

"Blood." Quistis placed the card back in the pile.

"Sora, are you taking this seriously?"

"Yes."

"And you seriously see blood in every one of those cards?"

"Well why would you use red inkblots and not expect people to see blood?" Sora asked, exasperated. Quistis resisted making a funny face. She glanced at the first card in the pile and saw the black inkblot.

"It's not red," she stated calmly. "It's black." Sora looked skeptical but did not protest. Seeing no further progress with this test, she pushed the inkblot cards aside and moved on. "So," she began. "How did you sleep last night?" Sora raised an eyebrow.

"Trick of lore, spread rumors, so quizzically?" he asked, meaning to say 'Is that a trick question?' Quistis pursed her lips and consulted a notes page.

"No, it's not a trick question," she answered after a few seconds of silence. Sora was rather impressed she had been able to understand him, but then again, she was a therapist. She probably dealt a lot with people who had thought disorders. "I'm just curious, since Nurse Garnet informed me of a disturbance. Sleep-walking, was it?" Sora huffed.

"Unlikely," he replied. "It was him, the angel of death, waving a sword around like a maniac. Thinks he's so clever 'cause he's breaking my mind. Shattered glass mind, er, lamp. I broke a lamp."

"I heard. We'll have it replaced immediately." Quistis made a note about the 'angel of death'. "So who is this 'angel of death' you speak of?"

"My other." Quistis waited for Sora to continue, but he did not.

"Other what?"

"Other half. Dur." She got the feeling that Sora was being difficult on purpose.

"Could you explain what your other half is?"

"He's my darker half. My Nobody." Seeing that she would not get any more straight answers out of him, Quistis moved on to the next thing on her list.

"So about how long have you had this word salad problem?" Sora gave her a strange look.

"Caesar, garden, greek…"

"No, no," Quistis interrupted. "Not food salad. Word salad. It's a formal thought disorder. It causes people to have speech problem."

"Well that's a hard question. I've had an other for three years now, but he didn't start bugging me until over a month ago, so the answer is five days." Quistis had to re-run what he just said in her head before she said anything else.

"Five days?"

"Five days."

"I see…" She wrote that down on her clipboard. "And before that, you checked into the hospital for disabled vocal chords?"

"Yes."

"How do you suppose that happened?"

"He cut my throat."

"Who?"

"My other." This whole business with the 'other' was starting to confuse Quistis and lead her down paths with no exit signs. She decided she'd touch on that topic a little later when she understood Sora a little better.

According to the notes she had been forwarded by Galuf, Sora's condition was far worse than that of an average person suffering from PTSD. He had built-up delusions about being a 'Keyblade Master' and fighting off darkness. And now he had this formal thought disorder that was causing him to speak in riddles and disorganized sentences. But regardless of the severity of the problems, Quistis was confident that she could help him. Despite the hallucinations, he didn't seem all that far gone.

"Sora, are you aware that these visions you are having are not real?"

"Of course."

"And when you speak, you have a clear idea of what you want to say, but it comes out wrong?"

"Always." So Quistis was right. He wasn't that far gone.

"What's the most recent hallucination you've had?" Sora explained what he saw last night as best as he could, and worked his way backwards from there. He told her about the food and how he had to blindfold himself to eat. Quistis made a recommendation in her notes that Sora be put on a different drug that would allow him to eat without any problems.

"Tell me about Riku, the friend who dropped you off," Quistis suggested. Sora groaned and took interest in the floor. Quistis was patient, so she gave him a moment. Sora was counting the tiles on the floor. One, two, eight, twelve, blue, square…

"Not a wolf in sheep's skin…" he said at last. "He's my best friend." He sighed and looked up at Quistis. The blonde woman clasped her hands together the way that pleased doctors did every now and then.

"Could you describe him in two words?"

"Silver arrogant," Sora answered promptly. He rolled his eyes as if he just remembered a situation where Riku had been arrogant and… silver.

"Why do you think he brought you here?" Sora had been wondering that himself.

"I'm not sure."

"There are no right or wrong answers here."

"Why not dissect my brain and get it over with?"

"You seemed to have a pretty clear idea yesterday."

"He didn't want me around. Truth or deception, I don't know!"

"Before he suggested bringing you here, what did you think of him?"

Sora opened his mouth to reply, but had to stop and think. Riku had been nothing by kind, patient, and helpful towards Sora these past two months. He understood that Sora was going through a tough time. He was the only one who knew the truth. And he had to be remarkably strong in order to set aside his own grieving to help Sora cope with his. Now that he wasn't in the picture, Sora felt a little lost and alone, but not in an angsty way. He was used to being shielded and protected by Riku, but now that the older man wasn't around, Sora had to remember how to protect himself, the way he used to.

"He was my big brother," he answered at last. "Leagues beneath the seas now, don't talk about blood, but it's thicker than the water, right?" Sora examined his hands as he muttered nonsensical words.

"So you and him are close?"

"Most indubitably." Quistis nodded approvingly and checked her watch.

"Our time is up." The session was short, but her conclusion was that yes, Sora was severely mentally unstable, but he was curable. Sora rose from his chair. "I'll see you in a couple days for our next session."

Sora found Zell sitting with the usual group, which consisted of Lulu and Vincent now. No one was quite sure how it happened, but they were all sitting with one another for lunch and dinner. Zell had a highly infectious upbeat attitude that Lulu and Vincent couldn't help but get suckered into, despite their best efforts to maintain a gloomy atmosphere. Sora took his usual spot.

"So how'd your first session go?" Zell asked eagerly. "Isn't Quistis something else?"

"Something else…" Sora muttered.

"Ever since I started having sessions with her, I feel like I'm on the verge of uncovering something huge."

"Alone in the moonlight?"

"Cats?"

"Sure." Lulu was looking back and forth between the two, completely lost when trying to figure out their exchange of words. But for some reason, it was intriguing just listening. That's probably why she didn't mind them sitting around her.

"So she helping any yet?" Zell asked Sora. The brunette shrugged casually.

"Here and there, murkiness, I thought it's enough. Grains of sand blowing in the wind, not that song. Time, but it's got no eyes." Zell grinned widely. He loved it when Sora went on nonsensical rants.

"So what you're saying is 'Nothing yet, time will tell'?" he asked, hoping he was right. Sora nodded and Zell punched the air in victory. "Thought so."

"What a game," Sora noted with a smile. "Mad-gabs?"

"Whatever you wanna call it."

"It's a game?" Lulu piped up. Sora and Zell stared at her with slight surprise. She hardly ever spoke unless spoken to first.

"Sorta," Zell answered. "He talks weird, and I guess what he really means. I'm getting pretty good." Lulu's mouth formed an 'o' as she nodded in understanding.

"Can I try?" Sora shrugged.

"If inevitably allows it, fate will conspire." Lulu's face scrunched up into confusion.

"Sure?" she tried. Sora grinned and nodded.

"Right." It was kind of nice that people were making an effort to understand him, and it was also nice to get Lulu included in their fun.

"So do you always talk like that?"

"Yeah. Full sentences."

"For fun or because…"

"Formal thought disorder." Sora heard Quistis say that.

"How'd that happen?" Lulu had never been quite so curious in her life about another person.

"Demon with blonde hair and black sword. He's a bastard. Or am I?" Sora looked up thoughtfully. "My mind must be a boring place for him to stir up trouble. What a slum. He's to blame. I'm to blame." That time Lulu didn't catch most of what Sora said.

"Um…"

"I didn't understand that either," Zell reassured her. "I usually don't when he talks about this 'blonde' demon of his."

"It's probably a multiple personality," Vincent spoke up. "Sounds like he's the one causing all the damage. For what, revenge? You can't tell." Sora was amazed at Vincent's insight. Something told him the dark brooding man in red had gone through a similar experience like Sora's.

OOOoooOOO

A/N: I hope I'm not confusing you with Sora's wording. It's rather difficult actually coming up with stuff for him to say that sounds sufficiently mixed up. A note about the "Alone in the moonlight line", it sort of popped into my head when I was thinking of Zell uncovering memories, and I remembered the song "Memories" from the play Cats. It was random enough for Sora to say it. :P

As for the characters, Vincent is from FF7, Quistis is from FF8, and Zidane and Garnet are from FF9. I tried to keep their back-stories and personalities similar to their original story selves. Zidane is slight different personality wise, but he's from a tribe of people who steal, so I thought it'd be fitting to make him a klepto.