A/N: The title of this chapter is a Lacuna Coil song. Also, in case it's not obvious, I'm having a hard time settling on an adequate summary for this story. If someone wants to suggest one in their review, I'd be greatly appreciative.

Dementia

Chapter 9: Trance Awake

I remember a time

My frail, virgin mind
Watched the crimson sunrise
Imagined what it might find
Life was filled with wonder

Dream Theater

"Sora?" Sora looked up from his game of chess against Zell. Garnet, the bright-eyed nurse, was standing in the open doorway to their room, cheerfully trying to get Sora's attention. "You have a visitor in the lobby." Her expression suggested she knew who it was and was bursting to tell him, but was keeping quiet. Sora curiously got up, but not before turning one of his pawns into a king, to which Zell groaned.

It had been a week since Sora had arrived at the institute for his delusions and trauma. He was beginning to learn his way around fairly well. He was even making friends, if friends were what he could call them, considering they liked hanging with him but he was indifferent to their interaction. He was acting the way he did around the time Tidus and Wakka had come over for a visit back at the flat. He wasn't intentionally trying to be friendly, but for some reason, Zell, Lulu, and even Vincent were taking a liking to him. He had an unusual background, one that Zell and Lulu found fascinating, and one that Vincent could relate to. Still, Sora felt he'd rather be unresponsive than go through the horribly grotesque visions stage again. Granted, he still had the occasional daytime vision and his imagination had a tendency to recall the night of the accident every now and then, but the real problem was the nightmares. Roxas was finding a way past the medication-induced haziness and he was starting to make Sora's life a living hell again.

Sora looked around as he walked the hallways towards the lobby. Waiting in the lobby with a nervous face was none other than Riku, pacing back and forth. Sora brightened considerably when he saw him and didn't stop to think as he charged at the older man, knocking him down with a fierce hug. Seeing a familiar face like Riku's made Sora forget for a moment that he was in a hospital for crazy people, and even forget that he himself was among the crazy.

"Sheep cub!" he greeted happily as Riku attempted to peel him off.

"Uh, hey Sora!" the fallen man said. "You seem a lot better. How are you?"

"Deceptive of the ones you call help. Knowledge only gets strainer when asked." Sora shook his head, as if it would help rearrange his sentence. "Quistis is nice." Riku smiled weakly, trying to hide his disappointment that Sora was still pretty much the same.

"Um, that's good to hear."

After a few minutes, the two were sitting outside at a picnic table. Riku was looking around as if judging for himself if this place was worthy enough to have Sora.

"How are they treating you here?" he asked seriously. Not a minute had gone by that he didn't regret sending Sora away and he certainly felt lonely and guilty.

"Well enough," Sora replied casually. "Feels like college, 'cept no teachers, just doctors." Riku chuckled slightly.

"They're not pushing you around?"

"I'm a mountain. Or a landslide. Crumbling. Shattered mind. Lamp?" Riku cocked an eyebrow.

"And these sessions. They helping?"

"Word salad."

"Um…" He tried valiantly to decipher what that meant.

"You know, ceasar, greek, garden…" Riku moved on. He leaned in closer as if he was afraid of being overheard.

"Is Roxas still bothering you?" Sora's happy smile slipped away into a scared one.

"He can find me. Hidden with pills, but he's breaking through." Sora's voice had a hint of urgency. "Don't let him kill Zell! Zell's a good guy, he doesn't deserve that!" Riku put his hands on Sora's shoulders in a comforting way. "I can't sleep. He'll come again!"

"It's alright! It's fine! Just tell your doctor what you're telling me and they'll sort it out. Everything will be fine." Sora relaxed somewhat. "Any more visions of Kairi?"

"I miss her…" Sora grumbled, but his tone suggested he missed Kairi the way a kid missed his friends while at summer camp. "Haven't seen her for a while." Riku pursed his lips and decided to move away from the subject of Sora's problem.

"So tell me about your new friends."

"Vincent, the lab rat. Lulu, the scar girl. Zell, the boy with no past. And Zidane…" Sora paused, remembering he didn't like Zidane much. "Freaking klepto took my muffin!" Riku contained his amusement.

"You come up with those nicknames yourself?"

"I said them, right?" Sora suddenly looked nervous and unsure. "I said it, right? I didn't just imagine I said it?"

"You said it, don't worry." Riku checked his watch sadly. "I'm afraid I have to cut this visit off. I've got classes in an hour." Sora looked sour and disappointed as Riku stood to leave.

"You'll come back, right?" Riku gave him a determined look and nodded.

"I'll come back next week. Okay?" Sora sighed and nodded.

As Riku walked away, Sora called to him, "I don't blame you." Riku turned. "For sending me here." Sora smiled dimly. "I'll get better, I promise." Riku nodded quickly and walked briskly to the parking lot. He was sure if he spent another minute on the grounds, he'd breakdown and cry.

OOOoooOOO

"How are you feeling today?" asked Quistis as Sora settled into his usual chair. He was getting rather familiar with Quistis as the number of sessions he attended went up.

"Bricks. Gravity from a high drop," he answered. Quistis was becoming used to Sora's pattern of speech and didn't need to consult her notes to translate what he was saying anymore. For example, he basically just answered, 'Like crap'.

"That bad, huh?" Quistis made a note of it on her clipboard. "Is it the pills?"

"Drowsy pills, not sleeping pills," Sora pointed out. He was none too pleased about having his endless energy sapped.

"We'll see what we can do about it. And the nightmares?" She had been worried that eventually Sora's body would become immune to the medication because he was starting to complain about frequent visits from his "blonde demon". Now it looked like she was going to have to assign him some new medication or up his regular doses from one pill a night to two.

"He's there again." Sora shuddered. "He's learning. Feeling, moving, hurting. God, he's creepy. Clock tower phantom can't stop him, predict his motives, step up to the plate and murder. Give me my sword!" The last part he shouted at the ceiling. "You coward! Stop hiding!" He huffed and crossed his arms. "Give me my life." Quistis noted his outburst on her clipboard.

"If there were a way to appease him, would you do it?"

"An eye for an eye, a life for a life. He wants my life. Can't do it. Riku would be furious." She set aside her clipboard and stood up.

"Sora, I'd like to try something new today." Sora eyed her curiously. "It's a form of experimental hypnosis. I'd be putting your mind into a semi-state of sleep where your conscious and subconscious can interact and help one another figure things out. You'd be living out memories and dreams, but you'd be in complete control. You'd have the ability to move about freely, rewind and fast forward through memories and dreams. It's the method I've been using on Zell and we've made quite a bit of progress. For you, I want to determine the root of your problem and help you confront it without fear or doubt." She took a seat on the corner of her desk as she fiddled with her Newton's Cradle. "So what do you say? You up for it?" Sora looked at his hands.

"Bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog?" he asked.

"You needn't worry about me messing with your mind foolishly like that," Quistis reassured. "You're in more control than I am. I'll just be on the outside walking you through the first few steps and recording your progress." Sora paused another moment before he nodded. "Alright, I want you to lie down on the couch. That's it. Now close your eyes. I'm going to count backwards and when I reach zero, your mind will be in a relaxed state. Are you ready?" Sora nodded. "Good." Quistis plucked one silver ball from her Newton's Cradle and let it go. It clinked quietly against the others, causing the one on the other end to swing out.

"Ten… Your mind is getting hazy. You're feeling a little drowsy. Nine… You can feel your limps going numb. Eight… You're relaxing. Your eyes are like lead weights. Seven… Your mind is opening up to suggestion. Six… You're calm. Your subconscious is awakening. Five… Your subconscious and conscious are brought together. Four… You're entering a state of awareness and harmony. Three… You are completely relaxed. Your mind is wandering between sleep and awake. Two… Your conscious and subconscious have agreed to work together. You're entering a semi-sleep state. One… Nothing outside your mind matters except the sound of my voice. Zero." Quistis stopped the motion of the Newton's Cradle. The room was quiet. She knelt beside Sora's still form. "Sora, can you hear me?" He was quiet for a moment.

"Yes…" he whispered, barely audible.

"What can you see?" Sora's eyes could be seen moving around beneath his lids.

"Colours… Winds… Sound." Quistis smiled. It was working.

"Good. We'll start with something simple today to help you get the hang of this. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to bring up a memory. You're going to learn how to control your subconscious. Let's have you bring up your happiest moment ever. Can you think of that?"

"Happiest…" Sora murmured. He seemed to pause as he searched his brain for an appropriate memory. "I… just got back to the island. I was swimming to shore." A smile formed on Sora's face. Quistis made a note that his speech significantly improved when he was under hypnosis. "She's waiting for me!" Images appeared in Sora's mind. He pictured himself on the island where he returned from his battle in the World That Never Was. "Kairi…" Kairi's radiance glimmered from the beach where she was waiting and waving. Sora stumbled slighting in the dream-like landscape as he rushed forward to meet her. From behind her, Donald and Goofy ran forwards and knocked him down with hugs. He remembered laughing and feeling incredibly loved. But this was an odd experience.

"Tell me how you feel." Quistis had pulled up a chair next to Sora and prepared to write down everything and anything he said.

"I feel weird…" he whispered. "Like it's my memory, but I'm not really there. I'm just an observer."

"It comes from the semi-sleep state. You're having sort of an out-of-body experience. It's how you can control your subconscious. This is known as lucid dreaming for regular dreams. Try pausing the memory." Sora concentrated slightly and everything around him froze. He looked around. Donald and Goofy were just standing there. Sora looked over his shoulder at Riku and King Mickey, who was being held in mid-air by Riku.

"Cool…" Sora said as he walked forward slightly to poke the frozen Riku. He concentrated again and the memory played in reverse. Donald and Goofy ran backwards towards the beach. "Wow…"

"You have two options while in the dream-state," explained Quistis. "You can either be a passive observer, merely watching a replay of a dream or memory, or you can be an active role where you're reliving a dream or memory. Be aware, this is only a memory. You can't change anything that happens or has happened because while in this semi-sleep stage, your mind is producing only true images." Sora believed he understood. He allowed his mind to play the memory out properly as he observed from the side. He watched his past self run through the waters towards Kairi before being mauled by his ecstatic friends. He took a moment to walk around Kairi as she gazed out to sea at the memory Sora. She looked so joyful. Sora felt his heart swell with happiness.

Suddenly, his mind was filled agony. He grabbed his head and dropped to his knees. The memory vanished around him. Quistis jumped slightly when Sora flinched and clutched his head in pain. He could feel himself losing control of his faculty. It was like a painful tug of war and he was on the losing side. Suddenly, he opened his eyes, but they were devoid of any compassion or kindness that Sora contained. These eyes pierced Quistis' soul and made her shiver.

"Think you can save him?" Sora demanded in a voice that was not his own. "This one's not yours! Back off!" He sat up rapidly, causing Quistis to back up in fear. "Touch the fire and you'll get burned. Don't want to end up like Kairi, do we?" And just as fast as he changed, Sora fell back against the couch and closed his eyes. He shook his head slightly and opened his eyes again slowly. Quistis was clutching her clipboard tightly, her face drained of color and her heart racing. Sora looked around, confused.

"What happened…?" he asked, fearful of the answer. Quistis took a deep breath as she calmed herself.

"Another personality," she answered as evenly as possible. "A threatening one…" Sora bit his lip.

"I'm sorry if he said anything…" He clenched his eyes shut. He couldn't believe this was happening. Roxas was trying to find another way through him. But what could he accomplish by doing that?

Quistis licked her lips nervously. It wasn't like this was the first time she had been threatened by a patient, but it was just that she'd never expected it from Sora of all people. She quickly found enough sense to write down her findings of a multiple personality disorder and stood.

"I think we can discontinue today's session," she attempted to say as kindly as possible. "You made a bit of progress with the semi-sleep state. I think we should continue with that on a later date."

OOOoooOOO

In the days that followed the hypnosis incident, Sora's medication prescription had been modified under the advice of Quistis and he was given a stronger sedative-like pill every night to suppress his REM stage of sleep, completely bypassing the dreaming stage and thus, avoiding Roxas all together. The side effects were stronger than before, since now his body was getting too much sleep. He rarely spoke to anyone and hardly left his room. He spent any free time he had lying in bed, counting the tiles on the ceiling and attempting to ignore the whispering voices and music in his head. Luckily, Roxas made no further attempts to hijack his body, but just to be safe, Quistis held off on doing another hypnosis session for a couple days.

She continued with the interpretation of the "blonde demon" as a second personality. She also came to the conclusion that he was the root of Sora's problem, beyond the fact that, as far as she knew, Sora had been witness to the dead body of a girl he cared about. She went through the notes she had been given by Dr. Galuf Doe, trying to see if this Roxas had turned up anywhere else and read about Sora's delusional tales in other worlds. She had to admit, the boy had quite an imagination. It was sad, in a way, that he honestly believed the things he told Galuf. The boy Roxas was nothing more than a multiple personality created by Sora's conscious as a way to cope with the lose of a dear friend, and it was also the guilt of not being able to save her or be there for her, manifested into a person. That was Quistis' professional opinion on that matter. However, after the next few hypnosis sessions with Sora, her opinion changed drastically.

It was rather gloomy outside the day of the session in question. The forecast called for clouds and showers in the late afternoon. Quistis' perpetual motion bird was oddly still that day when Sora walked in for his regularly scheduled appointment. Quistis herself wore a very serious expression on her face.

"Hello Sora," she greeted. "How are you feeling?"

"Why do you always ask?" Sora grumbled, lying down on the couch. "You already know."

"I just like to hear it from you." She stood and walked around to the front of her desk, setting her plastic bird into motion. "I think you're ready for something big. I think it's time to go back to the night of the accident." Sora held his breath, staring at nothing in particular as his heart rate increased.

"No," he stated firmly.

"Sora, we need to confront this problem. Remember what I said about being in control? You needn't worry about your memory turning on you."

"It's already turned. Turned round and round, spherical. It's come back, it's harmed me time and again. No."

"You can't keep running from the past. Sooner or later, you're going to have to deal with it. Wouldn't you rather be the one with the power over the memory instead of the other way around?" Sora considered her words. She was right, he knew it, but he was afraid of a great deal of things. He was afraid of seeing Kairi again. He was afraid of reliving the worst night of his life. He was afraid of seeing his guilt and of what Quistis would think if she found out the truth. But most of all, he was afraid that after reliving the horrible experience, the root of his problem may not lie there and he had to endure the pain for nothing. He was afraid of finding absolutely nothing at all that could help him.

Sora was about to protest again, but he remembered something Riku told him before he came to the hospital.

"You have to trust me. Please let them help you."

Any argument Sora was about to put out died on his lips. He closed his eyes momentarily and opened them to look at Quistis.

"Fine. Let's do this." The blonde doctor smiled gratefully. The first of many raindrops splattered against the window.

Quistis walked Sora through the first few steps to ease his mind into the semi-sleep stage. Once he was properly relaxed, she said, "I want you to bring up the memory of the night of the accident." She saw his eyelids flinch at the thought, but he relaxed again. "Go back three hours before you found Kairi. Tell me where you are."

"I'm… in the living room," Sora said in a quiet voice. Quistis frowned. Something wasn't right, but she couldn't put her finger on it. "I'm doing some homework - an essay on the economic effects of entrepreneurs."

"And then?"

"I'm… getting ready for bed. Riku's proofreading my essay."

"Where's Kairi?"

"At the beach. She was watching the sunset." Quistis' frown deepened.

"Sora, are you sure this is the right memory?"

"Positive." Something definitely wasn't right.

"Fast forward an hour. What are you doing now?"

"Sleeping. Dreaming."

"About what?"

"About being Roxas. He tried to kill Riku." Sora's face flickered with fear. "I can't stop him. He's gonna kill Riku!"

"Sora, you're in control! Take control!" She watched his face relax.

"I paused it." Quistis breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing she wanted was for Sora to have a panic attack.

"Skip ahead to when you discovered Kairi's body." Sora struggled for a moment. Images flashed into his mind. He was standing in the doorway to his room.

"I didn't know how many towels to get, so I just brought them all…" he murmured aloud, repeating what he said the night of the accident.

"Take an observer point of view," Quistis instructed. "What do you see?"

"Blood. Riku is holding her. She's dead. I…" Sora turned his head, his eyes still closed. "I feel sick." He clenched his fist tightly. "I couldn't save her. I tried, but it wasn't working."

"You found her when she was still alive?"

"I was there when she was killed." She was rather confused by this set of events. According to the police record filed by the officers who were called in, the story given by Riku and Sora was that the two men were out late and when they got home, they discovered Kairi dead in Sora's room, the victim of a break-in. But Quistis was being given a very different story by Sora himself. She knew he couldn't be lying because when she used this hypnosis technique on patients, they could only recall true events and dreams, not things their mind made up. Usually, patients were able to tell the difference between a dream and a memory. Clearly something was off.

Inside Sora's mind, he watched from the side of the room as his memory self stood in the doorway to his room, dumbstruck, while Riku cradled Kairi's lifeless body, sobbing hard. He forced his stomach to settle down, reminding himself that he was in control and this wasn't real, it was just a replay. He paused the memory and waited for further instructions from Quistis.

"Sora…" she said slowly, almost afraid to ask the question. She had a pretty good idea of what the answer would be, but she refused to believe it until she heard it from Sora's mouth. "Do you know who killed Kairi?" Sora was silent for a full minute.

"Yes…" he whispered.

"Who killed her?" Again, he hesitated. Quistis was silently praying she was wrong. She was hoping that Sora's delusions were nothing more than that – delusions. And Sora's answer shattered her hopes.

"I did."

"…" The rain and wind outside got heavier, rattling the windows slightly. If it were possible, Quistis' jaw would have hit the floor. "How did it happen?" She heard a barely audible whimper escape Sora's lips, as if it pained him to recall this event.

"I was dreaming. I tried to stop myself from killing Riku in the dream. I… woke up with my Keyblade drawn." As he spoke, the images coinciding with his narration appeared in his mind's eye. "Kairi was standing beside my bed, impaled on the Keyblade." He blocked out the sound of Kairi's blood tricking down the edge of the Oathkeeper onto the carpet.

"So it was an accident?" She didn't know if she should believe this or not. But how could she not? This was a true memory. There was no other way to explain it. Her hypnosis technique didn't bring up false realities. Everything that Sora had told Galuf regarding the night Kairi died was true. He really was responsible!

"Yes…" In Sora's mind, he was standing above his memory self, who was holding Kairi. "She fell to the floor, so I got down beside her and held her." And then he saw it; her lips moved. Before he could lean forward to listen to what she had to say, he was decked from the side. He looked up to see Roxas brandishing the Oblivion. Sora rolled out of the way in time just as Roxas smashed the blade down on the carpet. Sora's heart was racing. "He's here!"

"Who?" From within his mind, Quistis' voice sounded distant. Sora roll-dodged again. His hands tingled with magic, but he was unable to draw any of it out, meaning summoning his Keyblade was out of the question.

"Roxas! He wasn't here the first time around! But he's attacking me, right now!"

"Remember, Sora, it's all about control." Quistis was quickly getting over the shock of the truth and returning to her doctor mode. "You control this memory, not him. Force him out!" Sora concentrated and Roxas' form dissolved like grains of sand. Catching his breath, Sora glanced back at Kairi, but she had stopped speaking and was back to coughing. He had missed it. Concentrating again, he put up something like a barrier around this single memory to keep Roxas out. He wasn't sure how well it would hold up, but he could sense he was on to something and he didn't want any more interruptions.

He walked over to Kairi, kneeling beside her and rewinding the memory. He reached the part where she opened her lips to speak, but no sound came out, only white noise. Sora frowned and rewound the memory again. It came back with the same result. It definitely wasn't natural. It wasn't the same as someone losing their voice, it was like someone was intentionally blocking specifically Kairi's voice alone.

"Kairi's trying to say something," Sora explained out loud. "I can't hear her." Quistis pondered this.

"That could be the missing link you've needed this whole time." Sora pursed his lips. He wasn't about to come out of this empty handed. He focused in on Kairi's lips, trying to force some sound out. Her form became obscured and fuzzy for a moment. Voices in the background signaled that Roxas was drawing near. Sora focused harder. He was determined to uncover this memory before he woke up and he didn't have much time before Roxas arrived to deal his mind some more damage.

Kairi's form became distorted. Sora clenched his teeth. He was close, he knew it. He didn't bother to wipe the blood off his face as his nose began to bleed from forcing his brain to play back the memory over and over again. Her hair flickered blonde.

Almost there…

Then her clothes went white. Now lying in the memory Sora's arms was Naminé. She turned her eyes to the real Sora and whispered something garbled, but Sora did his best to repeat it out loud for Quistis to record.

"Yehk woh sih nethfeervet," Sora repeated phonetically. "Yehk woh tsih." Suddenly, he began shaking. It was too much for his mind to handle.

On the outside, Quistis quickly wrote down the phonetic version of what Sora said and looked up in time to see Sora beginning to go into a seizure.

"When I snap my fingers, you'll wake up!" she said quickly and snapped her fingers. Sora's shaking subsided and he relaxed, opening his eyes. They sat in silence over the new revelations uncovered during the last half hour. Both were breathing deeply. Quistis broke the silence by laughing nervously. "Didn't I warn you about forcing your recovery?" She handed him a box of tissues from her desk so he could wipe the blood from his nose and top lip. The rain outside calmed down to a light patter.

So Quistis had learned the truth. Sora really was the one behind Kairi's death. But he didn't do it intentionally. It was clear enough now that his condition was a result of guilt and mental trauma from taking the life of a close friend. But what to do about it, she didn't know. The first thing would have been to contact local authorities, but she struck that right off the list instantly. She knew that involving police at this point was pointless and harmful to Sora's recovering psyche. She was a doctor first and foremost, and her duty was to help people in need. Sora was clearly in need, so calling the cops on him was the last thing Quistis would ever do.

She made up her mind that she'd keep quiet about this. In the meantime, they had discovered what potentially could be a blocked memory due to Sora's PTSD. Whatever Kairi had said that night might hold the key to helping Sora recover. Quistis made it her number one priority to unlock that blocked memory for Sora's sake.

"You made good progress today," she announced. Sora tilted his head towards her, surprised she wasn't backing away screaming, 'Murderer!' "Now we know there's something missing from your memory. Let's work towards getting it out."

"What about…" He was afraid of pushing his luck. "Blood on my hands that won't wash off. You… see?"

"Sora, you're my patient," Quistis explained gently. "And I'd like to think you're my friend as well. You're here to get help. There will be no calling of authorities to take you away. They'll never give you the help you need." She clasped her hands and leaned forward on her chair. "Let's just keep this whole Kairi business between you and me, alright? Patient confidentiality." She winked as she stood up. "I'll see you in two days for our next appointment." Sora took a deep breath and nodded. Never was he so glad to have someone like Quistis on his side right now.

OOOoooOOO

A/N: So how 'bout that? Quistis knows the truth:o Just so you know, she still doesn't believe in the whole business with the Keyblade and Heartless, but she knows that Sora accidentally killed Kairi and she's not going to turn him in:D

I just wanna thank all the new reviewers on board here. It's good that I'm getting some diverse opinions from people who have gone through PTSD themselves and it's nice to know I'm going down the right track here and not screwing up the symptoms. So thanks! Cookies for everyone!

SPOILER WARNING: If you want to know what Naminé is saying and you happen to have a microphone, record yourself speaking what Sora said phonetically. Pronounce the words exactly as they are spelled (no need for an accent, until you happen to have one regardless :P) and then…. …reverse it. The result should be a creepy version of a phrase (I'm not going to say what). You can either do that or simply wait until the story's last chapter. :D