Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of KNOW YOUR STARS LA CORDA D'ORO. Tonight's guest is charming, tall and kind – who else can it be but Tsuchiura Ryou!
Tsuchiura Ryou: It's great to be here tonight
Announcer: that's good to know, we're all expecting great things from you
*gong noise*
Announcer: You started off as a black horse, didn't you. What kind of animal do you think of yourself as?
Tsuchiura Ryou: in the concours, i'll admit that i came in completely unknown. Although... for me... the animal wouldn't be a black horse, it'd be a big stuffed teddy bear
*crowd goes "awwww"*
Announcer: A big stuffed teddy bear, hmm? One that likes cracking his fingers... and most likely dislocating them as well?
Tsuchiura Ryou: i don't crack my fingers! It only sounds like it! Although, i did more than dislocate my fingers - they've be become so flexible that i can bend them so easily
*demonstrates bending – it looks very gross, bending all his fingers on themselves (opposite to making them become a fist in the palm)*
Announcer: that can't be your only bad habit, right? I would've expected General Ed students to have a lot more fun than that...
Tsuchiura Ryou: *laughs* well... i do have a very odd casual job...
*Announcer waits*
Tsuchiura Ryou: i got recruited by my cousin to work at a bar as a male prostitute
*crowd gapes in horror*
Announcer: like... some kind of guy who wears a g-string and eventually tantalizes all the ladies by taking it off or something? Instead of the girls being the ones barely dressed working in those bars as "female dancers"... right?
Tsuchiura Ryou: ahahahaha... usually, yeah. But, my cousin, who's also female... kinda... wants to do all sorts of things with me
Announcer: wow... but, family intermarriage is a no-no, isn't it?
Tsuchiura Ryou: yeah, it is... but... she pays my work... and well... it feels good to know that i have power over her when i do what i do
Announcer: I demand you to make things clearer. What is the "when i do what i do" line in PLAIN ENGLISH!!
Tsuchiura Ryou: umm... well... r-rated stuff...
Announcer: wait, so you do IT with your cousin for CASH?!
Tsuchiura Ryou: i never said i did IT!! I'm still waiting for...
Announcer: for..?
Tsuchiura Ryou: *sighs* i've been feeling guilty, you know. Doing the things i did with my female cousin for cash, and realising that maybe, maybe, i should've saved it for something more special... cause now I feel kinda wasted...
Announcer: like a prostitute, you mean?
*Tsuchiura nods*
Announcer: i really do want to know what you did... so, you'll have to tell me after the show, Tsuchiura Ryou.
*Tsuchiura laughs, and leans over to kiss Announcer*
*crowd gapes at the kiss, which is just between the lips – no hands around each other – somewhat like the famous Madonna and Britney kiss – it lasts long, and all you can hear is the sound of their lips against each other, kissing long and hard*
*Announcer breaks super long kiss*
Announcer: Tsuchiura Ryou, that kiss gives me more questions than answers, you know that?
*Tsuchiura grins at Announcer and shrugs*
Tsuchiura Ryou: what can I say, i'm a wanted man. A very bad wanted man, who is very good at what he does.
*Announcer is stunned into silence*
Announcer: w-well...
Tsuchiura Ryou: ohh, i also work at a farm, too
Announcer: as a handyman?
Tsuchiura Ryou: nah, I help tend to the animals
Announcer: ohh really. HOW do you tend to them?
Tsuchiura Ryou: Well... i give them some of my special VIP treatment, and they're all happy
Announcer: Special VIP treatment, hmm...
Tsuchiura Ryou: then again, some of them are kinda cranky or love me
Announcer: oh dear. That must be hard on the other helpers
Tsuchiura Ryou: *laughs* well, i guess it's because i pretend some of the animals are girls that i like, and i say sweet nothings and stroke their faces...
Announcer: and do IT with them?
Tsuchiura Ryou: you're really fixated with IT, aren't you?
Announcer: *looks at Tsuchiura Ryou in fascination* isn't that what all you teenagers at your age are fascinated in?
Tsuchiura Ryou: well, i won't deny it... after that hot kiss between us, I think I need to go and tame my wild thing down there...
*Announcer laughs*
Announcer: are you SURE no horses or anything have tried humping you?
Tsuchiura Ryou: oh, of course they've tried. Even a dog has humped me furiously...
Announcer: ohh, so besides a dog, what other animals have done so?
Tsuchiura Ryou: hmm... there were a few times i got rolled around in the mud by several pigs... i've been chased furiously by sheep and goat and come out with all my clothes shredded...
Announcer: GOD DAMMIT, you've even done better than me!!! I haven't gotten anywhere yet!
Tsuchiura Ryou: well, we could always go somewhere... you and me... and have a little private party of our own, hmm?
*Announcer nervously laughs*
Announcer: Tsuchiura Ryou, you have a hidden sexual relationship with Tsukimori Len, am i correct?
Tsuchiura Ryou: SAY WHAT?! I'd never, ever, EVER be in some kind of relationship with that blue-haired violinist, at all!
Tsukimori Len: i'm devastated you've denied our love, Tsuchi
*crowd gapes as Tsukimori Len comes onto the show*
Announcer: Tsukimori Len, welcome back. Do tell us, how bad is Tsuchiura Ryou, really?
Tsukimori Len: how bad? Ohh, Tsuchi's REALLY bad. Everyone thinks he's such a good guy, but he's so good at being bad that he's a master at both. Under alcohol and the game of truth or dare, you actually did IT to an inflatable, didn't you?
Tsuchiura Ryou: did I? Oh yeah, that was the best... but i could show you loads better, Announcer-san... and you know that *winks suggestively at Announcer-san*
Announcer: did you, or didn't you?
Tsuchiura Ryou: i did... *stands up from chair and stands behind announcer-san* (whisper) and you know, after 10, i go wild...
*announcer realises they're in a desperate situation between an AV wannabe and an IT addict*
Announcer: WHAT THE F***?! THERE'S NO WAY IN THE WORLD I'M LETTING SOME ...
*gong sounds again*
Announcer: well, it looks like it's the end of KNOW YOUR STARS LA CORDA D'ORO for tonight – we'll see you next time!!!
After the cameras are turned off and everyone has left the building... there are only two...
*Announcer begins moaning as Tsuchiura began to kiss along the neck, cheek and ears*
Announcer: why must I be so swayed by you...
Tsuchiura Ryou: (whisper) i told you already, i'm good at what i do
Announcer: well, i won't be denying that anytime soon
Tsuchiura Ryou: it's our private party, and tonight (nibbles earlobe and whispers into ear) you're mine