Day 37

Late one night as Chakotay wandered through Voyager, with his head full Mawasi political dynamics and cultural intricacies, he found himself at Kathryn's door. He looked at it and realized he missed her.

After receiving no answer, he let himself in. His heart sank when he saw the conditions she was living in. There was still battle debris about the room. The replicator was half out of the wall yet somehow rigged to work. He walked through each room. In the bathroom, he discovered that the sonic shower still functioned, but the bath did not.

On further inspection, he found it was merely a few fused relays between the replicator and the faucet that prevented the steady flow of water to the tub. Chakotay fixed the relays and found a few more problems as he got more involved in the project. By the time he was finished, he cleaned Kathryn's quarters.

Early in the morning when Kathryn arrived, Chakotay had run a full steaming hot tub. And when she entered her quarters, the large man in full uniform stepped out of her bathroom.

"Well, that is one more system running," he said, dusting off his hands.

Kathryn could smell the water and feel the humidity. It enticed her and softened her resolve. How long had it been since she had a bath? She looked at Chakotay and thought she would cry. How she had missed him!

Fighting off the tears, she, as if by reflex, verbally abused him instead. "If I were in charge, I'd be fixing vital systems."

Chakotay smiled calmly and replied, "Oh, but I am. As I see it, you, Kathryn, are vital."

Did his eyes twinkle when he said that? Again she bit her lip. Walking into the bathroom, she saw what he had done.

She loved him. She appreciated his tenderness. She wanted him. She was angry at every part of her that chose to deny his companionship. In the swirling emotions, sparks of anger lit those long pent up desires, and Kathryn chose a radical action. With her back to Chakotay who had followed her, she undid her shirt and undergarment let them drop to the floor. Before he could back out of the room, she turned to face him, naked from the waist up.

For a moment he was stunned and confused.

Her words contained traces of spite but still came across as intensely sexy, "You want to fix me, Chakotay?" She took one step toward him and put her hands on her hips.

His eyes dropped to the floor as his heart pounded.

"It hardly seems like I feel anything anymore. But, you could make me feel."

"Kathryn," he whispered. Slowly his eyes rose from the floor and traced her form. The dermal regeneration worked, and for that he was relieved. The sight of the scars hurt him, but now they were gone. She was beautiful, but he couldn't ignore her behaviour. It revealed the deeper scar.

"Chakotay, it doesn't matter now. I'm sick of holding back. Not anymore." She reached out to touch his arm.

Her husky voice enticed him, but he couldn't ignore the traces of frustration, even bitterness.

Think, Chakotay. Think! What had the Doctor said about her, 'acute stress disorder… difficulty regulating emotion?' He remembered the years of anger and defeat he experienced as a rebel Maquis. He knew what she wanted, emotional release. He sensed her tension and her anger.

"No, Kathryn," he said as he reached for a towel. He covered her shoulders and stroked her cheek, "It still matters. I'm still your first officer. I'm just filling in until the ship is yours again. You aren't yourself right now, and I have to conduct myself on my watch as you would have me do so on yours."

Her jaw clenched and she scoffed, "You can't be serious."

Standing within inches of each other, their eyes locked, as if in some wild contest.

"Oh, but I am." He spoke gently. "But, I must confess I'm being selfish."

She smiled almost wickedly. "Selfish, Chakotay?"

"Yes. You see, if I take you in your anger, then I may never have you in your love."

Her countenance melted as his words made their impact.

He kissed her forehead. "Now, enjoy your bath and take care of Kathryn for me. I'll be gone for a while."

Her jaw dropped as he exited her quarters.

After he left, she stripped off the rest of her clothes, climbed into the tub and cursed herself. You could've just said 'thank you,' Kathryn. She sunk her head under the water and tried to forget about life.

Day 38

Early in the morning, Chakotay strode in to sick bay. "Doctor, I need to see you in your office."

He proceeded to the Doctor's office, ordered a coffee from the replicator, took a large gulp, and sat down. The Doctor, acting uppity, was slow to follow him in, but then he saw that the commander's mood offered no room for smart remarks.

"How may I be of assistance?" He walked around his desk and looked back at Chakotay whose feet were on the desk and hands on his temples. Picking up a medical tricorder, the Doctor leaned over to quickly scanned him.

"It's not about me." Chakotay waved the tricorder away, irritably. "Sit down."

"Aye, sir."

"I need to talk to you about Captain Janeway. Are you expecting Paris in any time soon?"

The Doctor frowned. "That is highly unlikely."

"Even so… Computer seal the doors."

"Commander?"

He rubbed his tired eyes, pulled his feet off the desk and gave the Doctor his full attention. "Tell me about this disorder. What are the symptoms? I want to know all the ways this thing can affect her. And is she in any danger?"

"Danger? What are you concerned about, Commander?"

"What are the symptoms, Doctor?" Chakotay repeated himself in a curt manner.

The Doctor began to rattle off the symptoms. "Difficulty falling or staying asleep, irritability or outbursts of anger, difficulty concentrating, hyper-vigilance, exaggerated startle response, difficulty remembering aspects of the trauma, or re-experiencing aspects of the trauma in various ways, feeling detached or estranged from others, restricted ability to feel emotions…"

"Stop."

"Of course, any combinations of these and other symptoms, are indicators of Post Traumatic Stress. And as a result of these symptoms one becomes socially and occupationally impaired."

Chakotay rubbed his face with his hands. The picture of Kathryn standing in her bathroom burned in his mind. "Talk to me about that restricted ability to feel emotions, what does that mean?"

"Chakotay, you should be aware that in all likelihood, what Captain Janeway suffers from is more likely Complex Post Traumatic Stress."

"What does that mean?"

"She has experienced severe trauma throughout her life. Some before being catapulted into the delta quadrant, and some sustained over long periods of time. I have been concerned with how she suppresses her emotions for a long time. Some of those symptoms that concern me are: massive denial, indifference to pain, absence of feelings, an inability to manage emotions and impulses, dissociation and somatization."

"What can we do?"

"There are some useful therapeutic techniques but, you are right, she has to want help. Healing occurs best in a safe and compassionate environment. You've been patient with her, but she isn't choosing to seek help. You are her closest friend. Can you convince her to reach out?"

"I can try, Doctor, but she hasn't been speaking to me, and now I'm going away for a week." He thought for a moment. "She is sleeping now and I don't want to disturb her. When she goes out to work tonight, can you leave some thing in her quarters for me?"

"I'd be glad, too."

"Thank you, Doctor. I'll drop it by before I go."

Day 39

Kathryn continued her routine of working all night and returned to her quarters tired. Except this time she looked forward to soaking in her tub. She stopped when she found a peace rose on the table and a sealed envelope with her name on it.

She opened it and found a plain note. It read:

Dearest Kathryn,

Please don't worry about yesterday. I understand it's been hard and I do want to help you feel again. Nothing pains me more than to see you experiencing the anger and defeat I once felt and in greater measure than anything I've ever known.

Serving you gave me peace, and I ever desire to make your burden lighter. I want only one thing, Kathryn, to somehow give you that peace you gave me.

I hope we can talk when I get back. Like old times.

Yours,

Chakotay

Kathryn held the note to her heart for a long time then she set it down. She picked up the rose, put it in water and took it to the bath with her.