A/N: Here, the double-chapter update (: Enjoy this long(er) chapter :D

3

"What hurts the most was being so close
And havin' so much to say, and watchin' you walk away
And never knowin' what could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you is what I was tryin' to do" - Rascal Flatts, What hurts the most.

1976, May 17th

James Potter was lounging outside the classroom after class. Other 5th years milled out of the classroom, and many threw him a curious glance. What was the guy who topped this class for five years waiting after lesson for?

James ignored the glances in amusement. His friends stopped by and asked him whether he wanted them to wait for him. He shook his head briefly, eyes fixated on the door. His friends exchanged knowing glances and walked off, not before throwing looks of sympathy at their love-struck friend.

James saw his target walk out of the classroom alone. She was one of the last few to, obviously having stayed back to clear a few doubts with the transfiguration teacher.

Truth to be told, he was a bit nervous about this run-in. James Potter seldom felt that emotion, but now his stomach churned uncomfortably.

He made to approach her, but she had looked up from her book and had seen him. Her face immediately contorted into a frown and she turned to walk another direction.

"Hey Evans, wait up!" he called. His agility from years of training for Quidditch helped as he slipped up easily to block Lily's path.

Lily gave a scowl in irritation and decided to change direction again. Anything to get away from this annoying and persistent toerag in front of her.

She was thwarted by James again. "Hey, I just want to confirm our tutoring session tonight at 7?"

If there was one thing Lily Evans needed help in that would be Transfiguration. The irony of the situation was that only James had the ability to help her in that subject. She had unwilling agreed to Professor McGonagall's suggestion of getting him to tutor her.

Strangely enough, their tutoring sessions were rather productive after all. They did manage to complete many spells and Lily felt her own improvement. The only drawback was that James took any available opportunity to ask her out. You might have thought, after all these years of rejecting him he would have given up. No, James Potter was one hard nut to crack.

But today, Lily was in no mood for a one-on-one session with said Potter. They had a nasty argument yesterday by the lake, one that involved Severus Snape. Severus had called Lily a 'mudblood' and that constituted the end of their friendship. What made her blood boil was that James was the sole cause of the end of a treasured friendship. Sure, she had forgiven Severus, but she knew that their friendship would never be the same again. All thanks to Potter.

"No, I am fine studying alone," she replied and coldly, getting ready to leave.

James frowned. "And why would that be? Transfiguration O.W.L.s is tomorrow and you would need all the help you can get."

Lily gritted her teeth. What an arrogant statement. Like she couldn't do it without him.

She turned on him. "You think you are so smart and I need to be begging you for that bit of help. You know what, SAVE IT. I will rather fail tomorrow than accept your help!"

She had raised her voice. The end of the sentence came out more like a shout. Panting slightly after the shouting, she turned to walk away.

He softened. He was at a loss what to do. He had made her this mad.

"I am sorry. I just thought you would appreciate some help," he started.

Lily felt genuinely sorry that she had yelled at him. He sounded hurt. She turned and offered a slight smile that did not quite reach her eyes. "I mean…I just need sometime alone. It will be more productive, you know…"

Lily felt James tense up. He was beginning to frown. Oh no, he's going to bring up yesterday's events.

"About yesterday, I am sorry…"

"Sorry about what?" Lily asked, with a slight accusation in her tone.

"Sorry about your loss of a friend," he said simply. "But you never should have mixed with people like Snivellus."

Hearing him call Severus the nickname he had given him from day one made her blood boil. "Well, you don't have to be sorry then, because we are still friends."

James eyes widened at the news. "After what he called you, you can still forgive him?"

Lily was not so sure either. She tried to put on a brave front to hide her own insecurities. "It slipped out, he said he made a mistake."

"He calls everyone your birth that. Why should you be of an exception?" James retorted quietly, echoing the words Lily has been asking herself every day after their fight.

She was at a loss of what to say, but seeing the smirk form on Potter's face was enough to irk her into defensive mode. "We are friends…me and Sev, we have been friends since forever. He will not throw away our friendship just like that…it was a mistake," Lily fought for words.

She knew she was not only trying to show Potter that he was wrong, but the majority of her words were also targeted at herself, convincing herself that forgiving Severus was the correct thing to do. They have been friends since before Hogwarts, and he was the one who introduced her to this magical world. Of course she trusted him.

James stared at the redhead in front of him in disbelief. After Snivellus had shown his true colours, Lily still trusted him? Snape immersed himself in the dark arts, for goodness sake. He was convinced that Lily knew just how he was. Anger boiled up in him.

"After he called you…that, you still speak up for him?" James said coldly.

Lily was struck by how cold he sounded. Potter never used this sort of tone with her. Their eyes met, and what she saw in his hazel eyes startled her. He was furious. His eyes flashed with anger, anger directed at her. In surprise, Lily stepped back instinctively.

In the second, she was flung down. She had tripped over something on the floor. She winced as she struggled to stand up.

A hand appeared in front of her eyes. She looked up to see Potter offering his hand to pull her up. He no longer looked angry and his eyes flashed concern. Lily smiled inwardly and reached her hand for his.

She saw a flicker of Potter's trademark smirk. She saw yesterday's events flash before her eyes. He had that same smirk on when he bullied Severus. And when he asked me out…

She recoiled just before her hands touched Potter's. She saw a frown creep onto Potter's face.

"What's the matter?"

She threw him a look of disdain as she hoisted herself up. "You are just as bad as him anyway!"

"What? What did I even do?" he yelped, feeling the anger that left him a few seconds ago return. His hands ran instinctively to his hair and he ruffled his hair in anger and confusion.

"Treating everyone else like they are beneath you, humiliating someone for the fun of it, laughing with your friends about your latest pranks, enjoying all the attention from the stupid fangirls of yours, annoying me every single second of the day, and…and…ruffling your hair just to look cool… James Potter, you disgust me," Lily went into a rant.

She had not bothered looking at him when she was raving off about all the things she hated about him and now when she finally looked at him, she realised something wrong. He was expressionless, face devoid of any kind of emotion.

James Potter was very good at hiding his inner emotions. Every time Lily turned down his requests for a date, he learnt to put on a nonchalant façade and laugh it off in front of his friends. But he was hurt, every single time. His trademark smirk had been his best weapon, in both charming chicks and covering up his real pain.

After a silent inner struggle, James forced his mouth to form that smirk. It usually came easily, but this time, he felt like he was mustering all his strength just to do it.

His smirk was tight. Lily noticed that he had lost that glint in his eyes. Had she gone overboard this time? But she didn't care if she had hurt him, did she?

James looked at the girl in front of him. She was mustering up a slight apologetic smile, but her eyes betrayed her loathing for him. This time it really sunk in – she really hated him. His self-control snapped.

His smirk faded. "You really care for Snape, huh? After all the pain he's put you through, you will still forgive him. I admire you, Lily Evans, for being able to accept him the way he is – a Slytherin with his greasy nose stuck in the dark arts…" he saw Lily flare up at the description and he knew he did not want to deal with her right now. "No, wait, you listen. You gave him chances after chances. You are really noble you know that? No but wait, you never gave ME a chance. Snape deserved your respect and friendship. And I don't. All those years of snagging you, since 3rd year, you think I am just toying with you? I stood up for you yesterday, and how did you react? You told me off, as usual, because you blame me for everything that happened. Yeah, I am an arrogant toerag in your eyes – and that is only because you never bothered to see me for who I am. In your "Ms-prefect" eyes, I am just a bastard who can't stop bullying others. You never bothered to see WHY I actually hexed Snape, it's always all my fault."

He paused slightly for breath. "You know what, yesterday I saw him with that Avery guy. I overheard their plot to hurt Marlene. They were going to slip something into her drink. I couldn't tell anyone, but yesterday I pranked Snape for Marlene."

"No, he wouldn't. He wasn't going to hurt anyone," Lily replied tiredly but firmly, seeming to have been drained of all her energy. "You are just making excuses."

James bit his lower lips in anger. "Excuses? That's the problem with you, you NEVER trust me. You will rather believe in someone you have already lost faith in rather than me. Snape was given a chance to explain; I am not. But you don't exactly believe in your own judgements of Snape and those words you used to convince yourself that he's still the guy you wanted him to be?"

Lily avoided his burning stare. "He made a mistake, he told me. I trust him. I can't be wrong."

James took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm himself down from the frustration he was feeling. His blood was boiling at Lily's foolish insistence. She just refused to see…

"The problem with you, Lily Evans, is that you are scared of being wrong. You are scared that if you let me in, I will show you that you have always been wrong about me. Your judgement of me has been skewed from day one, and you firmly believe in what you think I am, refusing to see the truth that is right in front of you. You can't stand it if I prove to you that I am not the bastard you make me out to be. You refuse to acknowledge the fact that I can be rather decent when I am tutoring you Transfiguration. You refuse to take in the fact that I do not prank people just for the fun of it – I usually have a damn good enough reason. You refuse to see the fact that the only reason I hexed all the guys who asked you out was because I was jealous and I wanted you badly."

Lily was rendered speechless. However much she wanted to deny and counter him, she could not find the words to do so.

James waited for Lily's headstrong rebuttal, but it never came. He looked into Lily's eyes. "I am sorry I am such a pain in the arse. You really cannot stand me, can you? You know what, I don't care anymore. From today onwards, I will no longer waste my bloody time on you. You can go away with belief today that I am a fucking asshole and I don't care. I am an asshole, a coward who realised that he no longer wants to bother with Ms Perfect. He's sick of everything. You are right; I was fucking making excuses when I said I pranked Snape solely for Marlene. No, I pranked him to fulfil an inner desire. Happy? I never could be trusted. There. Isn't it a good feeling to be told that you have always been correct? Good-bye, Evans."

He turned around and walked away, leaving her feeling strangely empty.

James felt his legs carry him back to the common room – his mind was wandering somewhere else. In the comfort of his dormitory, he finally had some time to think. He had no idea whether what he had done was right. But who cares about right and wrong? One thing he knew for certain, he had to get over Evans – she was affecting him far too much.

The face of the charming redhead appeared before his eyes. He had just poured out all the frustrations he felt because of her to her. He had just shown his weak side to her. He wondered how she would take it. She's probably laughing at me right now.

But I think I am seriously done with her, he told himself. Earlier before he left, he had looked at Evans and felt nothing more than anger – no hurt, no pain. He was angry at her for being so unfair to him. More than that, he was angry at himself for letting go so easily. But what else could be done?

He was not going to wallow in self-pity. He told himself he would no longer have to waste time on Evans, someone who was never going to reciprocate his feelings.

He thought of countless number of times Lily had shouted to him to "Leave me (her) alone". He smiled inwardly, feeling a tinge of sadness and regret.

I am leaving you alone now, Evans.

That night, they both studied with their own circle of friends for transfiguration O.W.L. The next day during the exam, James Potter could be seen casting concerned glances at Lily Evans throughout the written exams. He had gone through most of the key-points in his tutoring sessions. She had better be able to do them.

He later tried to convince himself that all the worry was simply the concern of an overly-passionate Transfiguration tutor who wanted to make sure he did a good job.

Damn, I am screwed.

A/N: my personal favourite chapter so far. Hope i did okay in trying to portray the tension and the angst. You know it, a review is the best encouragement!

Till next time,

Jess-Siriusly