Okay just to say, the "I love you" what Ziva said in the last chapter was purely a friendship I love you. Who ells thinks that Jimmy is really cute *raises hand* okay enough for the Little jimmy crush, on with the story.
The story is almost till an end *snif*
CHAPTER 29- Hurts Like Hell
When Tony had come home that day from work, he had expected Jimmy to be long gone, and Ziva tossing and turning in their bed, but that was not what Tony saw when he arrived.
He opened the door and walked to the couch, there he saw Jimmy still sitting on the couch and Ziva in his arms. At the sound of Tony standing in front of him Jimmy looked up. He nodded at Tony, who walked forward and picked Ziva up and carried her to the bed room. When he came back Jimmy had pulled on his coat and was ready to leave.
Tony turned to him and said "Thank you"
With a last nod Jimmy opened the door and had left.
Tony was thankful that Jimmy had stayed, and that Ziva trusted him enough. In the time that Gibbs had been away to Mexico Jimmy and Tony had grown closer to good friends. Ziva did not sleep well since she had come back from the hospital and Tony was glad she at least had slept normally now.
Tony had crawled into bed next to Ziva and had softly stroke her hair. He had seen the fallen glass in the garbage and also the bandage around her hand. He was glad it had been Jimmy who had been with her, because if it had been Abby she would have freaked out.
The next day he had wanted to ask Ziva what exactly had happened. But when he had begun about it she had just simply smiled at him weakly and walked to another room.
When Tony sat on the couch watching movies Ziva sat in the windowsill looking outside. Tony was wondering what went on inside her head but was also wondering if he really wanted to know. Because somewhere inside him he feared for what would come out if he pushed her.
The days seemed to pass quicker, less exhausting and more filled with joy. Everyone had not forgotten what had happened. And since they all knew Ziva and Tony they knew they had not moved on. Well not completely at least. They knew Tony did joke his way out of it and Ziva just suppressed it. That was why Ducky was surprised that Tony had turned up at autopsy.
He had told Ducky everything and it had lightened his heart. He had even told Ziva that he had talked with Ducky. From that point on everything seemed to go even better than before. And every one believed it, even Tony and Gibbs did. The most of the week Ziva was alone now. She seemed to do better on the outside but no one knew what was going on in her head and maybe it was best they did not know.
Just like often the last week Ziva sat in the windowsill and was thinking.
She kept seeing her mother's face in front of her eyes. Sometimes she was day dreaming, more of a day-nightmare. She would see the things from a distance; she would see herself with a newborn in her arms. But after a few moments the baby always stopped moving, stopped crying and making sounds and slowly it would turn pale. That was always the moment she was being brought back to reality. Ziva also had thoughts she was wondering why she had them.
She did not want to feel anymore, she felt like she was nothing anymore, she did not want to feel this low anymore. Actually not feel at all. Because life was too painful. Because of Jimmy she had understand why Tony had forgiven her, and the pain she felt that it would go away that it would lessen. But Ziva knew it would not. Because with her mother's dead all the pain from the past had come back, all her mistakes. Ari, Tali, her best friend Chémy, they had all been her fault and her mother was added to that mix. Never had see been allowed to cry for them, they had been put away in a deep and dark corner of her mind, and had now crept to the front. Life hurt like hell…
Suddenly she was woken from her thoughts by a big and hard thunder that had come as suddenly as the thoughts. Then the rain began. It rained like it had never done before. Ziva opened the window to the outside and kept sitting in the windowsill. Some of the rain hit her face it was cool and icy at the same time.
She looked down, the street below her was empty at once, the last few people run for shelter. Ziva swept her legs out the window, almost immediately they were soaking wet but she did not care. Her hands grabbed the sides of the window and slowly she pulled herself up by them. It was like hanging above a cliff. Her just healed arm screamed from the heavy work it had to do but she ignored it.
What if she just threw herself off? Yes it would hurt like hell when she landed but then the hell of life would be over. She had the same flash she had when she dropped the glasses, the world jumped out and in again. In that second her wet hands became very slippery and if at that moment when the flash was over her cell phone would not have ringed she would have fallen. Her arms let go of the window and she sat still with her legs outside in the windowsill, she picked up.
"Ziva"
"Hey sweet cheeks, I just called to tell you I am on my way home"
"okay, love you"
"Love you, bye"
She looked outside again, her hands now only reaching out to touch the rain. It was raining so hard that even her hair was wet. After another ten minutes she closed the window. It would have been a long way down and it would have hurt like hell.
She had dried herself of before Tony had entered the house. Only she and the rain knew what happened and they would be the only ones to ever know.
Ziva had lay curled up against Tony at the couch. She was about to get up and go to bed when another flash came. Tony looked concerned.
"Are you okay?"
For a moment she wondered if she should tell him what had happened today. She had felt a short pang of fear when she had said there. Ziva decided it was best not to tell him because fear you spoke up about would become more then fear, it could come true. So she decided not to tell him.
"Yeah I am fine just tired"
When she lay in their bed she had opened the window. It was still raining and thundering, it Sheppard her from silence, because with the silence the thoughts would come back, the thoughts that she did not want to feel.
Tony had come to bed not much later than Ziva, he saw the window open and went to close it. He did not know that Ziva had opened it on purpose.
The next day came too soon, for both of them. Tony got out of bed thinking that Ziva was still asleep, but she was not.
When the morning had come Ziva felt already dead, just as if she could not breathe normally anymore. Tony was drinking his coffee in the kitchen when Ziva came to him. In the hall way her world flashed again. When she entered the kitchen she had painted a smile on her face, let him believe the world was good and peaceful when it was not. Because it hurt like hell.
Tony had left and Ziva was alone once again, today was another day she knew no one would come. She took her place in the windowsill and thoughts began to cloud her mind.
For the outside world everything seemed perfect, even for Tony, and she even wanted to believe it herself, but it was far from true. She had made them believe that it was perfect or at least fine, but they were all lies, lies that her friends her family had to believe to be happy. They did not see how she really felt, and maybe that was a good thing
How time could fly so fast she did not know but it was at least 5 o'clock now. And the thoughts she did not want to feel anymore had not left her head only turned stronger.
The sun had begun to set; little did she know that Gibbs had just ordered Tony to go home. And that he would be home in about 20 minutes.
She walked to the bathroom and let the water fill the bathtub. The only thing she pulled out was the bands that hold her hair into a ponytail, and her socks. When she looked back up again she cached her own face in the mirror. But it did not see the bathroom behind her. It was dark; she thought she could see the inside of a car. Another flash. A tear left her eye.
Ziva turned the water of. The tube was now filled to the top. Slowly she lowered herself in the water, and was met by the ice cold water. Goosebumps run up her whole skin but she could not care less. Another flash.
This was Ziva alone, her mask had fallen, and the pain came out. Ziva slowly let go of the sides of the tube. More water spilled over and came onto the floor. Her cloths had became wet, and slowly turned darker cause of the water, and turned heavy. Slowly she let her head go underwater. First her hair became wet and with her eyes closed the rest of her face followed. She opened her eyes but was not met with the light of the bathroom, she was not even in the tube anymore. No she was met by dark water; in front of her it was weakly lightened. Lightened by the lights of her car.
That was when she knew it, the truth, she had never left the car, the flashes were from her lack of air. She had been in a dream if only for a second, but it did not matter, because in one dream ages could pass. She had been trapped inside herself for a long yet short time. She had never found her mother, never lost her baby, never told Tony she loved him, she had herself fooled if only for a few seconds, which seemed almost a year. At that moment she wanted to be saved, she wanted to live, to tell everyone she loved them, to tell Tony she loved him, even if she had to endure all the pain again, she wanted to be saved.
Then suddenly there was a figure in front of her, it was a man that stared into her eyes. And she left for her dream world again.
The tube, which was where she was once again. The lights of her bathroom above her, she thought she heard a door open and someone run in. It was Tony he saw the light of the bathroom on and thought he heard water spill on the floor.
The moment that Tony was above the tube that was when Ziva looked into the eyes of the strange man who turned into Tony. She felt herself being pulled up, but knew it was just a dream. And with the last thing she had in her she said "I love you Tony" Though it seemed more like a single bubble to the man.
In her dream world the lights went out, just as in her real world, and the last thing she saw were Tony's eyes, though that was only just a dream.
Finally he could hear the sirens of the ambulance, with another breath he got back to the car. By the pressure of the water there was a crack in the window. He slammed at it and it broke. He took the woman and got her to the surface.
He checked if the woman was breathing which she was not. He began CPR, but when the ambulances came he knew it was too late. Ten minutes had passed and she had not woken up, he knew the woman was dead.
What he did not know was that the woman, from the inside almost still a girl was saved from a world full of pain, hate and heartbreak. This girl was saved by the salvation of death, saved from the hell of life.
Yes in this chapter I have put a few music lyrics from Evanescence- Everybody's fool, listening to it the whole time I wrote this chapter. And don't worry there is still one last chapter.
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