7
Notes: Hi! This is Chapter 5 of "Airplanes & Hospitals." There is more to come, but until then, I sincerely hope you enjoy this one. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and/or read this story—you are truly appreciated.
Disclaimer: I don't own ER, unfortunately. If I did, there would certainly be more happy endings.
The words didn't seem to register in Neela's mind. I'm sick. What? Sick how?
"Jamail, do you have the flu or something?" Even as she said it, she knew it was much deeper; she had seen it in the way he looked at her, at the immense sadness in his eyes. Please…please let it be something trivial…
Jamail began to walk slowly toward his sister, knowing that this was going to be the most difficult conversation of their lives. He wished to God he didn't have to do this to her, but if he didn't tell her now, she would figure it out herself and he knew that would cause her even more pain than if he was there to hold her through it. Jamail took Neela's hand and led her to the area where the bright green grass met the edge of the precipice just above the lake. He gingerly sat down, choosing a spot that allowed them to overlook the dark waters below while still feeling the comfort of the soft grass beneath their bodies. Neela followed suit, not knowing whether to feel comforted or afraid. The one sensation that crept into Neela was the feeling of impatience, which she voiced as soon as she sat down next to her brother. "Jamail, what's going on?"
Taking a deep breath and keeping his eyes on the dark blue water below, Jamail began. "Neela, I…I have a large tumor in my brain. I've been going to the doctor regularly for tests and scans to see if there's any way that they can operate but…it doesn't look like there's any possibility that…that I'll get better…"
Neela couldn't believe this was happening. Her head reeled with images of patients she had seen with the same diagnosis, while simultaneously producing a sort of slideshow of her brother. No, this has to be some sort of joke…
"Wha…but, you look fine…and Mum and Dad didn't say anything…you still play soccer, don't you? This has to be some sort of misdiagnosis, Jamail…" Neela was rambling as if her life depended on it.
Jamail's eyes moved to the now-dusky sky, still unable to look at his sister's confused and puzzle-riddled face. "I haven't played soccer for a while now…the tumor is in a region where it causes me to black out, and it's been happening a lot more lately. The coaches told me I could still be on the team, but I can't play." With a genuine chuckle he added, "I'm officially a benchwarmer."
Knowing Neela wanted more answers than just his soccer schedule, he said quietly, "Mum and Dad didn't tell you because I told them not to."
"Why would you do that? I could've done something…I could've come to Britain and talked to your doctors…"
"Neela, it would've only complicated things, don't you see? You wouldn't have been able to do anything and all it would've done was make you feel helpless." There was a pleading tone to his voice that made Neela feel as if her heart was physically breaking in two. Her little brother was trying to protect her, but she still couldn't stop the nagging doubts in her mind.
"But…you could've come to Chicago and seen a doctor here. There are so many new techniques and procedures…" Neela was now the one pleading.
Jamail took another deep breath, trying to remember that acceptance was the most difficult aspect of dealing with a terminal illness. If anyone knew that, it was Jamail. But he had navigated through it and was now in a position to take life one day at a time, living it to the fullest. How was he to explain this to his sister, the one person in the entire world that he had wanted to protect, the person that he wanted to be truly happy?
"There's nothing anyone could've done, Neela."
"But…" Neela began, but Jamail cut her off with a firm tone of voice that he had never used when speaking to her before.
"There's nothing anyone could've done." For the first time he looked her dead in the eye. His eyes were filled with a pain that was unfathomable, but he swore that he wouldn't cry in front of her. Jamail blinked a few times and managed to force the droplets into the back of his eyes.
Neela knew what he was trying to do, and suddenly the realization hit her that this was it—life had dealt her brother a hand that was unchangeable, unfixable. Forcefully pulling her eyes away from his, Neela turned her head in the opposite direction as she felt the warm tears spill softly onto her face.
Just as Neela could tell when Jamail was trying to stop himself from crying, Jamail could tell when Neela was trying to make sure no one saw her cry. It was one more aspect of their characters that they had in common—the reluctance to show weakness.
"Neela, I needed to see you…I needed to make sure you were okay…" before something happens. I needed to make sure there was someone here to take care of you…
Neela began sobbing quietly, her head now resting gently in her hands, unable to face the sibling that would leave her sooner than he should. She couldn't even bring herself to ask 'How much longer?'
Jamail couldn't take seeing her like this. He moved to sit closer to her and slowly wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Reacting to his touch, Neela looked up and enveloped him in a powerful hug as she sobbed over his shoulder. Failing to keep his promise not to cry, quiet tears of sorrow poured from his eyes as he tried to ingrain the sweet smell of his sister in his mind. He was crying more for Neela than in self-pity, but he had never faced the fact that this may be the last time he actually saw her. It killed him.
His moment of weakness lasted only a minute. I need to be strong, he reminded himself, and gently pulled himself out of Neela's tight grip. He locked his eyes onto hers as he said, "Neela, listen to me."
Neela was still crying, but the firmness and insistence in Jamail's voice unconsciously caused her to stop.
"I know this sounds stupid right now…but I promise you that everything's going to be okay." He nodded his head as if this gesture would make his words sink into Neela's brain, but she continued to look pained and lost as she listened.
"We have so much in common, Neela—have you ever thought about it? We're stubborn, hard-headed, athletic, smart…well, you're smart, anyway…and we love extra anchovies…" He was glad to see a weak smile spread across Neela's face in response to the one that now graced his. Jamail continued, "But most importantly we're both strong, Neela, don't you see? We can get through this…"
Neela didn't understand how her 14-year-old brother could be so compliant, so accepting. "How do you know? How do you know that Mum and Dad aren't going to fall apart…that I'm not going to fall apart…" She could feel hot tears burning her face yet again.
"Because I know you. I know this is hard but you're going to be okay…you will still be here for Mum and Dad even if I'm not…be strong for them, Neela, they need you."
"Yeah? Well we need you…Jamail, you're bloody 14 years old! This is so…unfair." More to herself than to Jamail, she quietly added, "It should've been me…"
Jamail could feel the anger rise in his throat. "Oh don't you start with that bullshit, Neela. You know as well as I do that guilt solves nothing…this is the way things are meant to be, we can't change that no matter how much we hope and pray that they were different." Suddenly regretting the reckless bout of anger he had let through, Jamail took Neela by the shoulders and repeated his declaration. "Everything is going to be okay."
Neela closed her eyes and let his voice wash over her, attempting to take in every word, every intonation. She believed in him—she always had—but Neela knew that this was different, that if she didn't begin to believe in his reassurances, she would completely lose herself. Despite his claim, Neela knew in her heart that Jamail was stronger than she was.
Pulling herself together, Neela repeated his statement more to herself than to Jamail, as if saying it out loud would finally let it sink into her consciousness. "Everything is going to be okay."
They sat, brother and sister, on the edge of the lake for what seemed to be hours, reveling in the colors of the sunset and the darkness of the waters below, calm and mysterious. For once, they didn't need to say anything; it was enough to be in each other's company.
The silence was broken on the ride home, a question burning in Jamail's mind that he couldn't seem to find his way around.
"Neela, are you going to tell Ray?" He didn't want to cause Ray the sort of pain that he had just witnessed Neela go through, and ideally it would be best if he didn't find out, but Jamail couldn't help but think that he needed to know. He needed to know because of Neela—he needed to help her through this.
Neela's mind turned to Josh and the overwhelming agony in Ray's eyes as he had told her of the death of his younger brother. She couldn't cause him that sort of anguish all over again. "No, Jamail, I'm not going to."
Jamail chose his words carefully, not wanting to make it seem like he thought she couldn't deal with this on her own. He knew she could, but Ray needed to be that light at the end of the tunnel that he was sure she would see. "I think you should…" Seeing the incredulous look in Neela's eyes, he took another route to his goal. "At least promise me that you'll tell him when I leave then."
Again, Neela sat amazed at the incredible maturity Jamail exuded. Always the protective brother… "Alright."
Jamail felt better. "Good."
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
It was around seven o'clock by the time Jamail and Neela reached the apartment. Ray had just finished his shift and was busy preparing dinner in the kitchen when he heard the sound of the key in the lock and the swinging of the door.
He couldn't help but smile at the pair of them in their soccer outfits, Neela in a big sweatshirt and shorts, and Jamail in his Manchester United jersey and soccer uniform shorts.
"So who won?" Ray bellowed across the kitchen and into the living room.
Neela and Jamail looked at each other with confusion, both of them having forgotten that they had actually played soccer after the difficult conversation they had just had. In unison they cried, "It was a tie!"
Ray laughed, "Yeah right." He knew they were lying but he had no idea why. Lifting his eyes from the plates of pasta he was fixing, he noticed a hollowness to Jay's face that he hadn't seen before. And Neela…were her eyes red? Has she been crying?
Feeling slightly uneasy, Ray asked, "Hey, is everything okay?" He directed his question toward both of them, not knowing who would answer.
A little two quickly, Neela said, "Yeah everything's fine." As if to ward off any more questions, she added, "I'm a…I'm going to shower first, if that's okay with you, Jamail?"
"Yeah, yeah that's fine. Go ahead." Jamail was feeling anxious for Ray's probing eyes to leave his. He didn't realize how awkward this would be.
"Jay, you're sure everything's okay? Have you had anything to eat, man?" Ray was getting worried at the look on Jay's face—he looked lost, nervous, and dehydrated all at the same time.
"Uh no, I haven't actually…I'm starving—that looks great." He hoped his admission of hunger would put Ray's mind at ease.
"Alright, well as soon as you guys are ready we can have dinner. It's just about done anyway." Ray couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, something they weren't telling him. But like sister, like brother: he couldn't force it out of them.
They sat down to dinner less than 15 minutes later, both Neela and Jamail freshly-showered and exhausted. It was a quiet dinner—the quietest one since Jamail had first arrived, actually. Neela found it difficult to take part in the conversation, constantly feeling as if a sob would leave her lips if she so much as opened them. Jamail was doing his best to engage Ray in every subject that came to his mind; they talked about everything from cars to soccer to dream jobs. Jamail had not realized how difficult it would be knowing that Neela now knew what was happening. All he wanted to do when he looked at her was hold her and repeat his assertion that she would be fine. But that would be Ray's job now, and Jamail knew he would be there for her in a capacity that no one else could.
Ray's voice broke through Jamail's thoughts. "So you guys are still coming to the show tomorrow night, right?"
A wide grin spread across Jamail's face—he had been looking forward to it all week. "For sure. We'll be there." He felt the need to add the 'we' in order to bring Neela into the conversation; she couldn't stay this quiet all night or Ray would badger her with questions again.
Neela looked up and forced a smile on her face. "We wouldn't miss it."
"It's our last night together, after all." Ray wasn't the least bit surprised at the involuntarily melancholic tone of his voice as he said the last few words. In little less than a week he had found closure to the death of his brother, a newfound love, and a young friend that had virtually turned into a brother.
"I wouldn't say it's our last. Only until we meet again, which I'm sure we will." Jamail smiled at the two of them, a certainty to his words that somehow brightened the room just as his beaming face always did.