Yu Yu Hakusho: New Dreams, Old Nightmares

Chapter six. I am more coherent while writing this one, though still sick. Thanks for sticking with me so far. Tearjerker/completely unexpected twist in this one.

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho. Without further ado, the next installment.

New Dreams, Old Nightmares

Chapter Six: I Can't Say It Back

The moon was shining brightly over the compound. A slight breeze was blowing through the trees, causing them to rustle against the sounds of nighttime wildlife.

Yusuke and Keiko were seated on the deck outside of one of the shrines, the one that Puu took residence in. He had asked her outside to talk, and she was curious as to what he wanted to say.

"It's a nice night, isn't it?" Keiko said.

"Yeah, it is," he answered, looking up at the sky. There were a few clouds drifting in front of the moon, but not enough to threaten any rain.

"What did you want to talk about?" she asked him.

Yusuke stood up, taking a few steps forward, thinking of how he wanted to start this conversation. He placed his hands in his jacket pockets, and his right hand felt the rose there. He sighed, and pulled it out.

"Here, this is for you." He said, turning towards Keiko, holding the rose nervously.

"Oh, Yusuke," she said as she stood up and took the rose from him. "Thank you…it's so beautiful…"

Keiko's eyes teared up. Yusuke had never given her a flower before. She placed her hands over her heart as she breathed in its amorous scent.

"Look, there's something I need to ask you, Keiko…" Yusuke said. Just get it over with already, you idiot.

"You remember that promise I made? About how I would come back and we would get married?" he nervously asked, turning away from her.

"Of course I do…" Keiko said to him. "You were adamant about it…"

"I have to know…did you stay single this entire time because of that?" Yusuke asked, obviously struggling for words. "I mean, did you think that I would come back, and everything would be perfect and all that type of stuff?"

Keiko was shocked. Why was he bringing this up? On the other hand, she thought, it's a valid question…the last he had known, she had left him without an answer to his half-hearted proposal. He went to Makai not knowing if she would be carrying a torch for him, and for all he knew, he could have come back and she could have been involved with someone else.

She had wanted to…but somehow, it was an all or nothing promise. Keiko had spent over half her life waiting on Yusuke in some form or another, and in some way, she had determined that this was going to be the last time she had waited for him…but why was he asking her this?

"Yusuke…?" she said, still not comprehending what he was saying.

"Keiko, please don't tell me that's the reason," he stated, turning to look at her.

"Wh…what do you mean?"

"Because…I didn't come back for that promise."

Keiko felt her heart shattering when he said that. A half whispered why slipped from her lips as a few tears blurred her vision.

"When I made that promise, I wasn't thinking clearly…but please, hear me out…"

Are you taking it back? Are you backing out again, Yusuke? Why do you run from me? Why do I always have to chase you?

Yusuke walked back over to the deck and said in an exasperated sigh, "I'm not in a position to get married, and neither are you. I mean, we're both sixteen and you're just starting high school. I'm an idiot who's been out of school for two years and there's no way we could make it work, Keiko."

"What are you saying, Yusuke?"

"Don't hold me to that promise, Keiko, at least not right now. It wouldn't be good for either of us," he said as he sat down.

She hung her head as a tear rolled down her cheek. "I know that, but…but is that all you have to say? After all we've been through? And after what you promised? That was the reason I stayed single, Yusuke, because you said you'd come back to me, and I believed you!" she ended in a shout.

Yusuke grimaced. "Keiko, I'm not saying I don't want to be with you, but think about it! How can we get married and make something work?"

"Yusuke, we don't have to get married! I know more than anything that it won't work right now. But I'm happy to have you back and you sound like you're trying to weasel your way out of being with me!"

"Damnit, Keiko, that's not it! I realized that you were the one I wanted to be with. When I was in Makai I was trying to find an answer to that question, I was trying to find myself…"

"I know that, Yusuke. I basically put my life on hold for two years because of that. Don't tell me it was wasted…"

"And what would have happened if I hadn't shown up just then?" Yusuke yelled back, his frustration at the inability to say what he wanted clearly clouding his judgment. "Did you have another guy lined up?"

How dare you.

"How can you even think that? Is that the real reason you came back, to see if I would? Yusuke, I had a lot of guys that wanted to go out with me but I stayed single. I barely so much as glanced as another guy. Do you know how hard that was on me? You were in Makai, fighting, training, doing all this stuff and you could have come back any time you wanted to, but I had to wait for you to do it. I had to wait again. I want to be with you too, Yusuke, so why are we fighting?" she yelled.

"I don't know why!" he yelled back at her. "Geez, I'm trying to figure out what to say. I want to be with you but not because of what I said two years ago…Damnit this is hard!"

"What do you want from me, Yusuke?" Keiko said, feeling very drained, her voice heading back to its normal tone. "More time? Because you really don't sound sure of yourself…"

Yusuke hung his head. "No, I…"

"I'm sorry," Keiko said, hanging her own head and moving to sit beside him.

Yusuke gave an uneasy laugh. "Well, it's not like we haven't fought like this before. This is the part where you call me a jerk, I yell back, and we blow off steam for a few days…"

That was true enough. Except this time, it was different…

Keiko thought back to one of the last times she had seen him before he left. He had told her that he had yokai blood seething through his veins, and that he needed to go to Makai to see his ancestor. He said he would take three years, and a lot had changed since then.

Every night, she thought about him. Every night, she would wish he were back. But over time, the longing grew a little dimmer, the thoughts a little more distant. It was almost as if missing him had become a ritual as less and less emotion fueled it. When he came back, it all came back with him.

She threw herself into it, unquestioningly. She believed that things would be perfect when he came back because she hadn't thought of any other possibilities. Sure, she had considered that he wouldn't come back, but she had never thought about what she would do after that, if that was the case. She looked at the young man next to her, seeing how much he had changed.

After all that time apart…she realized she was stupid for thinking things would be the same, that they would pick up exactly where they had left off. Too much had happened to both of them since then. She didn't quite know everything that had happened to Yusuke, but she couldn't look back and say she hadn't changed in the last few years herself.

They were more distant than she thought they would be. This conversation was proving it.

"Yusuke…will we be okay?" she said with a cracked voice.

"I hope so, Keiko…a lot has changed." he sighed.

Keiko thought back to that conversation they had a long time ago. She hadn't wanted him to go, but he insisted that it was something he had needed to do, and her own selflessness wouldn't let her say anything to the contrary. Sure, she dropped some subtle threats, but that was all she could do. Was she just supposed to come right out and tell him he was an idiot and he would lose her for doing it?

"Remember that day, when we sat by the river?" Keiko asked him, breaking the silence.

"Before I left?"

"Yeah. When you said 'Please don't leave me,' I came so close to saying that I loved you. I've never said those words to you before, Yusuke. I almost said it again when you came and saw me at my father's shop. But I didn't…do you know why?"

"No," he said, looking at her with sad eyes.

"Because I would have been selfish. I did feel that way, but I would have been saying it to try and get you to stay."

Yusuke felt horrible at that moment. He had been the selfish one, admitting to himself – and later to Kurama – that he had said what he did to buy some time, and in retrospect, it wasn't the smartest thing to say or the smartest reason for saying it.

He looked down, grabbing a handful of grass out of the ground by his feet and idly ripping it in half as he spoke. "It would have worked, Keiko. I was kind of hoping that you wouldn't say it."

"What?"

"If you had said that to me, I wouldn't have left. I knew I needed to go, but the reason I didn't stay when I had the chance after beating Sensui was because I wanted to see you and everyone else, and I would have never been able to return. But you saw what happened…it bugged me, I couldn't let it go." The grass was torn into quarters, then eighths as he continued. "I was so on the fence at that point it wasn't even funny."

Keiko wished she would have known. She had seen the desire in his eyes, and it was almost like he was asking her to provide an excuse to not go…but why? Was it because he truly felt torn, or was he simply trying to use her as an excuse, and have her make up his mind for him…?

She wanted to believe it was the first reason, but rift between them left room for a seed of doubt to be planted.

"And if I said it," she heard herself say, "I know you wouldn't have been happy. I know you would have been so determined that it wouldn't have mattered what I said…I know you, Yusuke. You would have pissed and moaned every second. Would it have been fair to put yourself through that? Would it have been fair to put me through that?"

Yusuke was taken aback. He knew he deserved a tongue-lashing and he was prepared for one, but he had hoped it wouldn't have been so emotional…at least, not this quickly.

"No, it wouldn't have."

They sat in silence again, neither one of them wanting to continue, both knowing that almost anything they could say at this point would reveal just how far they had grown apart in two years, and in the revealing, cause that gap to widen.

"You're right…now do you see why I'm not good boyfriend or husband material?" Yusuke said as he stood up. "I'm too self centered, I'm an obnoxious asshole, and I end up hurting the one person who would have said she loved me, and I'll probably just do it again in the future."

Stop making excuses, Yusuke…

"Why are you scared of me, Yusuke?"

"I'm not scared."

"Liar!" she yelled, loud enough for the nearby wildlife to cease its chattering. "You were always scared when it came to me, and to us…you just seem like you're making excuses and using me as an excuse!"

"Keiko…" Yusuke started to say as he turned to face her, but she cut him off.

"Why are you running from me, Yusuke?" she said, crying.

"I'm not trying to run, Keiko! You know I tackle anything that scares me, and this is the first time I just can't do that! I'm scared of hurting you again…"

"So you're trying to use that as a reason to justify that you don't want to get into a relationship and be an official couple? Because you're scared that I'll be hurt again?"

"Yes! I mean, no, I mean…damnit!" he yelled in frustration as he shook his fists.

The wind blew a few leaves by their feet, as Yusuke tried to gain his composure again.

"Keiko, there's another reason I wanted to talk to you about this."

"Go ahead," she simply stated.

"The next Makai tournament is in a few months. I've made up my mind that I'm going to participate. I need to train, and I can't do it here. But…" he said, looking at her, "if you want me to stay, I'll stay."

After a pause, she responded with a question. "Did you make up your mind before you came back to see me?"

"Yes, I did."

So, last night and yesterday…when you said you were back, and you weren't going anywhere, this was your home… Keiko felt her heart go numb at that statement.

She had no way to prepare herself for that answer and the revelation it brought. He had just cut her so deeply, so quickly, that he had sliced through her ability to feel. She couldn't cry about it. She couldn't even be angry about it. Her wound froze over, as she finally settled on a hurt resignation.

You coward. You're using me as an excuse again. Well, fine. I'll let you do it. But you will never use me this way again. I swear…

Yusuke sensed her demeanor changed when he said that. He knew he had hurt her with that statement, and he sensed what she was thinking…

He moved in to hug her, wrapping his arms around her still form. She made no movement to return it, or place her own arms around him.

Go ahead. Just use me. That's all you do. But I won't let you do it anymore.

She was clenching the stem of the rose so tightly that the thorns bit into her palm, causing it to bleed slightly.

After a full two minutes, she spoke up. "You can let go of me now."

Yusuke took a step back. "Keiko, what's wrong?"

"Don't ask me that, please…I need some time to think about this, and I think you need some more time to see if being with me is really what you want," she stated without emotion as she turned and started to walk away from him.

No, he thought, as he watched her walk away. Don't do this to me, Keiko…not like this…don't, Keiko! How can you do this to me?

"What the hell do you mean, 'being with me is what you really want'?" He said, anger welling inside of him. "Don't you get it? I came back to be with you!"

"And you're turning right back around and running off to Makai again! What's worse is that you knew what you were doing! You knew what this would do to me, and you did it anyway, Yusuke! Do you have any idea how much that hurts me right now?" she said, turning back towards him and shouting each word louder than the last. "After the things you said to me when you came back yesterday, and last night, letting me build my hopes up higher and higher, and then you pull the rug out from under me?"

"I'm telling you that if you don't want me to enter the tournament, then I won't! Why are you so pissed off, I thought that's what you wanted!"

"Do have no idea how cowardly that is, do you? I won't make that decision for you, Yusuke! It would be no different than when you went to Makai in the first place!"

"Then why the hell did I come back if it wasn't to be with you?"

"Because you're still on the fucking fence, that's why!" Keiko screamed. She never used profanity and she felt a grim satisfaction when the look of shock registered on his face. Good, did I finally get through?

His thoughts were reeling. Was this the same Keiko he grew up with? He put her through a lot of stuff, he'd be the first to admit it now, but he came back to change that! He was even letting her decide whether or not he was going to participate in the tournament, after he had seemingly made up his mind to do it.

"Damnit, Keiko, you know how I feel about you! Doesn't the fact that I care about you, that I love you count for anything?"

Keiko looked into the eyes of the boy that she had once loved with all her heart, the one she had shown so much devotion to over the years. As much as the answer hurt her, it was the truth.

"It…it did," she said in a sad voice. She turned and started to walk away from him.

"Keiko." Yusuke said with more force than he probably should have. "I'm going to say it anyway. I-"

"Don't say it, Yusuke," she said, stopping, trembling. "Just please, don't say it."

"Why?" he asked in hurt confusion. "Because it would have the same effect it would have had on me, that you wouldn't be able to go?"

Keiko's head hung as tears fell freely.

"No."

"Then why?" he demanded with a shout.

She turned towards him, with wet cheeks and the saddest expression Yusuke had ever seen on her face, in all the years they had known each other.

"Because," she said quietly, "I can't say it back."

Ooooh, I'm evil. But in all honesty, if you were Keiko, wouldn't you be feeling resent for Yusuke after all he put her through? I speak from personal experience that after having someone come back into your life after a two year absence…things just aren't the same. They aren't normal, and they never will be…especially if that person has a history of hurting you, either intentionally, or unintentionally.

Please review! This chapter came out exactly how I had played it out in my head. And for everyone that's read through the 20,000+ words at this point (holy shit), there will finally be action in the next chapter. I've written enough dialogue and I feel like having Kurama kick some ass, muahahaha.

Next chapter's title: "Battle in the Graveyard"

See you soon!