"You don't need to hold my hand!"
"But Zoro might get lost!"
"I know how to find the goddamn dining hall," the swordsman snarls as he lunges forward to grab the edge of the door Luffy's just shoved open, preventing it from rebounding into his captain's face because he's stopped dead in the doorway to argue.
"But Zoro always-" Luffy's nostrils distend, scenting the air, and he spins and bounds inside with a squeal of excitement. "Food! Foodfoodfoodfoodfood!"
"Oi, Luffy, give that back!" Usopp yelps as stretchy fingers assault his plate. He tackles the frantically chewing captain to the floor, struggling to pry his jaws open, and they roll around and nearly knock Zoro off his feet as he passes, heading for an empty chair.
"It's about time, you two! I was just asking someone to go-" A delicate cough. "-wake you from your nap."
"A-Anything for Nami-san," Sanji agrees weakly, because the navigator obviously didn't buy his story about not retrieving their shitty nakama because he didn't want to disturb their sleep. He fixes Zoro with a stony glare before his mellorine's raised fist sends him scurrying to the opposite end of the table to refill Robin-chwan's glass.
The swordsman's gloating ends abruptly as a fist connects forcefully with his head. "OW! What the hell's your problem, Nami?"
"You-" the navigator emphasizes that he's definitely the source of her ill temper by jabbing her index finger repeatedly into his temple, "-owe me for a very expensive flacon of perfume."
Zoro knocks her hand away, ignoring Sanji's squall of indignation several seats down. "Bullshit; I've never touched any of your crap, much less that bottled cat piss."
"Rosewater," Nami hisses, narrowing her eyes, and Franky and Brook take one look at her and flee to join Sanji at Robin's end of the table, where they start a loud and animated conversation about the weather.
"Cat piss, rosewater, whatever, it all smells the-"
"It cost me 250,000 beli and it fell off my dresser when you idiots started throwing the furniture around!"
Which isn't exactly true, she thinks, but there's no way she's going to admit that she accidentally broke it herself. It's still their fault, anyway, for nearly sending her through the ceiling with all that thumping and caterwauling. At least they both showed up for dinner freshly washed and dressed, and she most certainly is not feeling a faint twinge of disappointment at this. No, no, she isn't.
Usopp and Luffy freeze where they've been flailing around under the table, the sniper's hands wrapped around the captain's neck in a last ditch attempt to make him spit out his ill-gotten dinner roll by banging his head against the floor. They both know you don't piss Nami off where money is concerned, and their best bet for survival involves cowering quietly until Zoro agrees to pay her back.
Unfortunately, the swordsman - who would really love to know why HE's always held responsible regardless of Luffy's involvement - is too incensed by the fact that a bottle of scented water costs nearly a quarter as much as a Ryo Wazamono-grade kitana to just peacefully capitulate, so it's very possible that no one will escape alive. "That's fucking insane!"
"Watch your mouth, shitty Marimo! Show some respect!"
"Watch your own goddamn mouth, you stupid asshole!"
Nami's ire is temporarily forgotten as everyone scrambles to escape flying feet and swinging swords, and the navigator slumps back into her chair with a sigh, offering Robin a wry smile. "I should have known that two years wouldn't make a difference. Those two still act like a couple of five-year-olds fighting over a toy."
"True, but it's no less entertaining to watch," the historian laughs, sprouting a small cluster of hands that work together to prevent Zoro from smashing into the table hard enough send plates of food flying when he skids backwards under the force of the cook's foot braced on his swords. They soften the impact and he promptly bounces off them back into the fray.
The squabbling finally stops when Chopper unexpectedly emerges from the infirmary and the swordsman, dodging a heel aimed at his nose, trips over the startled doctor and crashes to the floor. In the process of twisting to avoid crushing his much smaller nakama, he lands hard on his already tender rear and immediately decides he's had enough roughhousing for one day, thank you. He re-sheathes his swords and chooses to ignore Sanji's strident demands for him to stop being a pussy and fight seriously.
"Ah, Zoro, are you alright?"
Grimacing up at Robin, his face pale, he crosses his arms across his chest. "I'm just- fine. Somebody pass me a plate."
"You're going to eat on the floor?"
"What's wrong with that?" Zoro grumbles, although he's glaring past Usopp when he answers, giving his captain a very dirty look, and at least Luffy's got enough consideration to look sheepish as he stares back, considering he's the rubbery bastard responsible for the swordsman's aching ass and lower back.
He decides right then and there that he's heading straight to the bathhouse after this, and nobody - including Nami - is prying him out of the tub until he's damn well decided that he's done soaking.
In the end, he's forced to drag himself upright and ease gingerly into the nearest empty chair, because Sanji steadfastly refuses to let anyone, even the shitty swordsman who doesn't appreciate his culinary masterpieces, eat off the floor. Luffy clambers into the seat beside him and, still looking uncharacteristically cowed, slides the platter of roast meat in his direction.
Zoro's sufficiently appeased that he pretends not to notice the captain not-so-stealthily appropriating slices under his nose as he loads his plate, although the cook is not so forgiving and nonchalantly clocks his rival's elbow in the process of smacking Luffy's fingers with a serving spoon.
"Oi, watch it, ero-cook!"
"My fingers slipped."
The swordsman decides he's too hungry to bother retaliating and settles for glowering menacingly at the sneering cook, shoveling food into his mouth even as he reaches across the table to add the finishing touches to his plate, because Luffy's now eyeing it longingly. Although his captain's displaying remarkable restraint, he doesn't trust it to last, so he concentrates on filling his empty stomach before everything starts vanishing down the younger pirate's bottomless gullet.
"You guys are disgusting," Nami sighs, lifting her own plate out of reach as a questing hand shoots across the table to snag any morsel that's not being meticulously guarded. "Is it too much to ask for you to eat like normal, civilized-"
She breaks off, staring.
"Huh?" Zoro grunts around the biscuit he's just crammed into his mouth to prevent Luffy from stealing it right out of his hand. He frowns, realizing that the room's gone silent and everyone's staring at- no, they're staring behind him, and a rather large shadow's fallen over both him and his captain.
"Zoro," a low voice growls, voice filled with outrage. "-why are you bleeding?"
"Holy shit!" Franky blurts, his eyes enormous, and when Luffy glances up curiously, his jaw drops open and he utters an ear-splitting squeal of delight.
"Chopper, that's so COOL!"
"Oh my, Doctor-san's changed quite a bit, hasn't he?"
"Very impressive, Chopper-san - my eyes are absolutely bulging from their very sockets! Or they would be, if I had eyes! Yohohohoho, skull joke!"
Zoro, who's finally glanced around to see why the hell everyone's freaking out, blinks once as he gazes up at the doctor but remains otherwise unruffled, although he finds himself mentally agreeing with Robin. The reindeer's Heavy Point form was already formidable to being with, but two years of training have resulted in some pretty impressive developments.
A bit more fur and far more muscle, like they've already seen the first time he showed them his new Walking Point, but the swordsman immediately recognizes that the most dramatic change is Chopper's demeanor. He's relaxed and at ease in his own skin, no longer stiff or awkward in the form that allows him to pass as almost human.
He's also seriously pissed off.
"Why didn't you tell me you were injured?"
"Wha- oh, that. Don't freak out, I already washed it." Zoro grunts when he follows the doctor's gaze and discovers that there's several small crimson blotches blooming through his shirt. The brief exchange with Sanji must have reopened a few of the deeper tooth marks. He shrugs and lunges for another biscuit, because they're rapidly vanishing as Luffy, still staring gleefully up at Chopper, is stuffing them into his mouth one by one.
His fingers close on empty air as he's grabbed by the scruff and hauled back into his seat. "Oi, Chopper, I said don't worry about it! I'll go soak it after I'm done eating."
The reindeer ignores this, yanking the swordsman's shirt sideways off his shoulder and muttering angrily under his breath when the fabric sticks stubbornly before pulling loose where it's glued itself to the broken skin beneath. Zoro doesn't bother flinching, because the same thing's only happened about a hundred times before and he's too busy hoping that he can wriggle free before Luffy notices that last unclaimed dinner roll on the-
Fuck, too late, there it goes.
"Damn it, Zoro, I'm a doctor - you're supposed to let me treat your injuries, not try to patch them up yourself! And no, your shirt doesn't count as a bandage! This will probably scar if I don't-"
"Quit bugging me and grab some food before our idiot captain eats it all," the older pirate grumbles, yanking his shirt out of Chopper's grasp and shrugging it back into place.
"I said-"
"Leave it alone, Chopper."
Although he's using his serious Sencho voice - the sedate you're-going-to-listen-to-me-right-now tone and not the overly excited ooh-ooh-quick-follow-that-giant-frog-cause-I-wanna-eat-it one - their captain's displaying a toothy grin so wide that not much else is visible under the shadow of his hat.
"LUFFY-!"
"You heard the captain," Zoro tells the infuriated doctor before turning his attention back to the table, and apparently Luffy's been sufficiently distracted with the knowledge that he might have left a permanent scar on his lover, because the swordsman's amazed to see that there's actually still food on his plate.
"There's something wrong with you, Mugiwara, being proud about leaving scratches and bite marks all over other people," Franky mutters as he uses the smaller hand concealed in his gigantic palm to scratch his head, because the rubber man's puffed up like a rooster and looking exceedingly pleased with himself.
"Nah, nobody else, just Zoro-" Luffy laughs, flinging his arms around the green-haired pirate's torso in a rib-crushing hug. "-cause he's mine."
Several heads turn to gauge the swordsman's reaction to this abrupt proclamation, but Zoro just quirks an eyebrow at the smaller pirate clinging to his side and calmly continues eating. At least until Luffy leans in and brushes lips against his ear. "Ro-ro-no-a."
Zoro's fork completely misses the potato he's stretching out to spear, and Usopp - who's reaching innocently for the salad tongs - shrieks as the utensil's tongs stab into the back of his hand. Pandemonium ensues as the sniper explodes out of his chair, colliding with Brook, while Chopper - no longer in Heavy Point - runs wildly around the table screaming for a doctor and Sanji hollers for the shitty long nose to quit bleeding all over the table cloth.
Red-faced and cursing, the swordsman nearly jabs his captain in the eye with the silverware he's still clutching in one hand as he reaches out to grab him by the collar, intent on shaking Luffy until his brains rattle. He drops the fork and it clatters to the floor. "DON'T DO THAT!"
"Why not? Zoro sure liked when I said it while I-"
"Enough, I don't need details!" Franky roars, knocking both men clear over the kitchen counter as he tries to clap a massive hand over Luffy's mouth. "Even a pervert has standards!"
Sighing, because she's obviously the only one capable of restoring order - the historian is laughing too hard to offer any real help - Nami thumps Chopper on the head as he passes her, sharply reminding the doctor of his duties and pushing him towards the wailing sniper.
"Courage, Usopp-san!" Brook soothes as he nudges his nakama back into his seat so the reindeer can examine his injured hand. "I would sympathize with your pain if I only-"
"Look what you made me do!" Zoro hisses at Luffy as they peer over the countertop, reluctant to rejoin the table because their navigator's smacking the protesting skeleton in his bushy afro with her empty plate and demanding stridently that he put a rest to his deplorable jokes.
"I didn't tell Zoro to fork Usopp!" his captain protests, and the swordsman winces because the younger pirate's whisper is possibly louder than his normal speaking voice.
He grabs Luffy around the waist, muffling the yip of surprise with his free hand. "C'mon, let's get out of here before that crazy bitch starts hitting us too."
The rubber man paws at his captor's arm, eyes rolling imploringly towards the table, because there's still food on it, but Zoro ignores him and bolts for the dining hall door. He'll apologize to Usopp later, when the sniper's settled down and they're less likely to draw an angry mob.
The swordsman's sure he's going to have another fight on his hands when Sanji's head snaps up and turns in his direction, but the cook loses precious moments trying to squeeze past Franky's ridiculous bulk - it's a mystery just how the hell he fit through the doorway like that anyway - and is reduced to shouting insults when he's unwittingly trapped between the cyborg and the table.
Nami's also yelling after him, something about watch and skinning him alive if he hogs all the hot water, as he throws open the door and charges out onto the deck with Luffy in tow, confidently telling himself that they're not running away but merely making a strategic retreat.