RISK AND REWARD

(references to TNG episode In Theory)

Crusher woke to find a pair of hazel eyes intently studying her. Picard was propped up on one elbow beside her and she wondered how long he'd been watching her sleep. They were in her quarters, he had joined the senior staff in their poker game for the first time last night. She had known that he was a good poker player, Jack had often commented on Jean-Luc's poker skills; however, his ease with the game had come as a surprise to the others and she hoped it had been a pleasant surprise. After the game broke up, he'd walked her back to her quarters and a kiss good night quickly turned into more. She stretched, trying not to look too disconcerted at her state of nudity; it was nothing he hadn't already seen and judging by his reaction, it was a sight he enjoyed. "Good morning."

"Good morning, Doctor Beverly," he murmured as he leaned over to brush a soft kiss across her lips. His hand brushed the covers down and began stroking her body.

The feel of his hand cupping her breast, his thumb flicking idly across her nipple had her practically purring under his touch. She arched into the pressure of his caress. A sense of warmth flowed through her, utter contentment filling her. There was nothing more she needed at this moment. When his hand slid down across her stomach to fondle her more intimately, her legs parted in invitation. After several minutes of his talented fingers just aimlessly building her arousal without any indication of urgency on his part, her frustration took over. She trailed one fingernail down his chest before reaching down to grasp him firmly. Feeling him shudder at her touch emboldened her. She dragged her fingernail across the tip of his erection, smiling when he gasped in response. His body shifted to cover hers and she welcomed his weight pressing her into the mattress, her legs wrapping around his waist in anticipation.

"You know, if we shared quarters we could be doing this every morning," he whispered in her ear. Then, abruptly he cursed. "Merde."

Startled by the invitation and just as quickly confused by his reaction, she wasn't really sure what to say and the proximity of their bodies made it difficult to concentrate. "Odan?"

"I'm sorry," he said as he tried to pull away from her.

She tightened her legs around him, holding him in position. "No, please just talk to me. What's wrong?"

Picard closed his eyes, avoiding her gaze. "This feels . . . Odan wants to wake up next to you every morning. I enjoy having you in my life but I'm concerned that if we push things too quickly and something doesn't work out, I'll lose my closest friend. Odan and I were discussing that before you woke up, he simply took advantage of my distracted state to broach the subject with you directly."

The corners of her mouth twitched. "Are you saying that Odan seduced you with my body and then took advantage of you?"

He saw the humor in the situation and began chuckling. "Something like that. I love you, Doctor Beverly and I would love to share my quarters and my life with you. There's just a part of me that's not certain it's the right time to move forward with us quite yet."

Not sure how she knew, somehow she was certain that his reluctance to take their relationship to the next level had everything to do with his currently uncertain relationship with his crew. He needed to gain their support back first. She tenderly caressed his cheek. "I love you, too and we can wait until the time is right; I'm not going anywhere."

Relaxing into her embrace, his lips sought hers for a deep, passionate kiss. "Now, where were we?"

...

The stares were getting less obvious although she still felt the urge to check her clothing for holes or stains on occasion. While Captain Picard was mostly disturbed by the loss of his crew's confidence, Odan was a social person and the sense of isolation bothered him more than he let on. Picard and she were having dinner in Ten Forward, something they had been doing a couple times a week or more. They had also attended social events on the ship such as the quintet recital a few days ago. Strangely, seeing Guinan accept Odan Picard and treat him as a friend seemed to make a difference to the crew. It was like if Guinan thought he was all right, that was good enough for everyone else.

"Class M planets inside a dark matter nebula," Picard was saying. "Commander Data believes that the increased density of the dark matter may have caused life to develop in unforeseen ways. The idea of life evolving under these conditions is just incredible. I must admit to being very excited about the possibility of a first contact."

"Are there any signs of sentient life or warp-capable societies?" Crusher asked as the waiter set their dinner orders in front of them.

Pausing to thank the waiter, he returned his attention to their conversation. "No, but the nebula might be affecting long-range scans. For that matter we might find signs of prior civilizations; we've only known about this nebula for just over a century."

"Only a hundred years," she echoed.

"Two lifetimes or so for me and, archaeologically speaking, barely the blink of an eye," he pointed out. "So tell me, what types of life forms might develop in this type of environment-physiologically speaking?"

She thought for a moment. "With M class environments it would certainly be possible to see mammalian humanoid life forms. Life native to a dark matter nebula, I think we'd probably see something with an exoskeleton, possibly even reptilian characteristics. Greater density of dark matter might stunt growth but lend itself to greater bulk. I wouldn't be surprised to find a race like the Gorn but more likely something silicon-based like the Horta or Excalbian. Preliminary scans of the nebula that I've seen don't show any environments hot enough for a race like the Tholians. For that matter, we could encounter non-corporeal life like the Organians. If that's the case then there might be ruins dating back to when they had corporeal form on one of the Class M planets. Unless they developed as a life form in a non-corporeal state, we've encountered energy-based life before."

"Non-corporeal?"

Lost in her own hypothesizing on the possibilities of life forms, she had missed his reaction to her rambling list. Now she saw the questioning expression on his face. "Odan, is something wrong?"

"Earlier today I entered my ready room to find the contents of my desk on the floor," he said. "There was no sign of anyone else present. I dislike the idea that a member of my crew might have done such a thing intentionally, but under the current circumstances I couldn't rule it out. It's actually been bothering me. I discouraged Mr. Worf from conducting an investigation not feeling that it was warranted; however, I hadn't considered the possibility of encountering non-corporeal life in here either."

"Something similar happened in Sickbay," she told him. "A piece of equipment fell off of a rack for no apparent reason. I didn't think too much of it at the time, but it would have been just after we entered the nebula."

Picard tapped his index finger against the handle of his fork, thinking. "Well, we'll be at the coordinates for one of the M class planets in a few hours; that may yield some answers."

"There haven't been any unusual injuries," she noted. "If there are non-corporeal life forms in here, maybe they're just trying to get our attention."

He nodded in agreement. "Quite possible, which means we need to figure out how to say hello. Well, enough work. I've been wondering what the drama department is working on."

"We're between productions at the moment. I've been a bit preoccupied."

Smiling, he reached across the table to caress her hand. "I was just thinking that it might be advantageous for me to appear in a production."

Her eyebrow arched. "Voluntarily?"

"I've never participated in theatrical exploits with any of my previous hosts," he replied. "It would help the crew see Captain Picard as just a man and it seems like a fun experience for both of us to share with you."

"I see and have you given any thought to what production you might want to do?"

Dabbing at his mouth with his napkin, he winked at her. "I was thinking that The Taming of the Shrew would be fun." He quoted in a dramatic tone, "I tell you, 'tis incredible to believe how much she loves me. O, the kindest Kate, she hung about my neck, and kiss on kiss she vied so fast, protesting oath on oath, that in a twink she won me to her love'."

"I hope you're not suggesting that I'm shrewish," she countered playfully. This type of openly flirty, fun banter was a bit unlike her prior relationship with Picard. Odan was quite roguish and when combined with Jean-Luc's sense of humor, this light-hearted give-and-take happened regularly.

"Of course not. I was just thinking of all the opportunities in the play to publicly kiss you," he admitted with a suggestive leer.

Chuckling, she shook her head. "At the time it was written, all of the roles were played by men. There's no kissing in Shakespeare and you know it."

He gave a feigned look of disappointment. "Petruchio certainly seems to talk about kissing Kate quite a bit. Perhaps we could update the Bard a bit."

"Well, I would get to hit you without consequence and be applauded for it," she pointed out with a mischievous grin. "Maybe this warrants some thought after all."

"And maybe I didn't think this through quite enough," he muttered.

She took a bite of her dinner and considered the possibilities. "What about a production of La Traviata? Alfredo, Alfredo, you can't imagine the love in my heart for you."

...

Ten Forward was quiet, a handful of people sitting around but the room was mostly deserted. Crusher glanced around and quickly spied the person she'd come to see. Picard and she had finished dinner a couple of hours ago but there was something she hadn't been able to get off her mind. Even though she had just made the decision to come here less than ten minutes ago, it was almost like the other woman was waiting for her.

"What can I get you, Doctor Crusher?" Guinan asked with her usual enigmatic smile.

"Some peace of mind, hopefully." If anyone could put her mind to ease over this, it would be Guinan.

Reaching under the bar, she retrieved a cup and saucer. "Mareuvian tea with a dash of cinnamon it is."

Without thinking, Crusher picked up the beverage and took a sip. She could almost feel the anxiety begin to dissipate. "I was actually thinking more along the line of answers but thank you for the tea; it is good."

Guinan began wiping the top of the bar. "I have tea, answers are usually in short supply."

"You know everything that happens on this ship." It was a statement. Crusher knew there was a great deal more to her than met the eye. Even Q was unnerved by Guinan and she wasn't the least bit intimidated by his omnipotence.

"I hear things," Guinan acknowledged.

Sliding her cup of tea aside, she leaned forward and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Have you heard anything about Captain Picard?"

"Well now, that's quite the popular topic," Guinan said. "I've been hearing a lot about the captain and you for that matter."

"Like what?"

Guinan just shrugged and continued to clean the sparkling bar top.

"Has anyone been . . . Is there . . . " Crusher cast around for how to put her concern into words since it was obvious that Guinan wasn't going to engage in idle gossip. "Do you think anyone is angry or frightened enough of Odan to do something spiteful?"

"No," Guinan looked a bit surprised at the question.

Crusher reached for her tea and took another sip. "Earlier tonight Odan mentioned that everything from his desk had somehow ended up scattered on his ready room floor and I recalled a medical instrument mysteriously ending up on the floor in Sickbay recently. He didn't want to think that someone had intentionally done that; he's hoping that it has something to do with this nebula, maybe even a non-corporeal life form making itself known. It's just that with all of the strange looks I've been getting and the only two incidents like this involving Odan and me, I can't help but wonder and I'm a little afraid that I'm getting paranoid. I thought maybe if you've heard anything even about another strange event or if you can tell if there's a life form in here with us."

"People are confused by the change in the captain," Guinan said. "There are a few individuals who are frightened by what's happened to Captain Picard and fear can make people behave unpredictably. Some of the crew feel like they should have some sort of memorial service for Jean-Luc Picard and yet it doesn't seem appropriate since he's not technically dead. As for you, mostly people are worried about you; although they're starting to see that you're happy and they're glad for you."

"What about . . . ?"

Guinan reached across the bar to rest her hand on top of Crusher's. "They need time to adjust and get to know the new Captain Picard, which will be hard given how little anyone really knew the old Captain Picard. I haven't heard anyone with strong enough feelings to act harshly toward either Captain Picard or you. As for strange events, no, I'm sorry but I haven't heard anyone talking about anything like that. There is something different about this place, then again dark matter can distort things as darkness in general tends to do."

Crusher finished her tea and smiled gratefully at the bartender. There was nothing sinister going on, this ship was still her home and its crew her family even under the present circumstances. Mysteries were fine, they dealt with those every week it seemed. At least she knew that those events were not man-made, that was enough to put her mind at ease. "If that's your way of saying that things will look better in the morning, I'll just take that wonderful advice and go to bed."

"Goodnight, Doctor Crusher, sleep tight."

...

"Doctor Beverly."

At the sound of her name, she looked up from the scans that she had been studying. The mysteries presented by this nebula seemed to be compounding by the hour. A number of other strange events had been reported so, while they didn't have an explanation yet, it wasn't isolated to Picard and her. Right now Picard was standing just inside the Sickbay door. When he saw her looking at him, he gestured toward her office. A sick feeling began gaining strength in the pit of her stomach as she walked toward him.

Once they were inside her office, he tenderly stroked her cheek as if to blunt the impact of his words. "I only have a moment. I just couldn't go without speaking to you first."

"Go? Where?"

"Commander Data has determined the cause of the recent occurrences," he prefaced his answer. "There are pockets of subspace distortions throughout this nebula. Every time we hit one or one of them drifts into us, the area affected phases out of normal space."

"I know, I've already completed the autopsy on Lieutenant Van Mayter and sent the results to Data for his analysis."

He grasped her hands and cradled them in his. "We can't detect these pockets soon enough for even Mr. Data to navigate around. Our strategy is to use a shuttlecraft far enough in front of the Enterprise to provide sufficient maneuvering room out of the nebula."

She felt the blood rush out of her face. "Odan, no. Please, let Data or Will-"

"Shh," he covered her lips with his finger. "I have to do this."

Pulling his hand away, she urged. "If you're doing this because you think you have something to prove, you-"

"Are the captain of this ship," he firmly overrode her argument. "And yes, I do have to prove it. This is my ship and these are my people; I am responsible for their safety. I need my crew to know that I will still do whatever it takes to keep them safe, no matter the personal cost."

A single tear trailed down her cheek. He was right; this ship and his duty would always be paramount to him just as the health and well-being of her patients were important to her. She wouldn't want him to be any different no matter how hard times like these would be to endure. "Please be careful. I love you."

He leaned in to brush a kiss across her lips and whisper. "De miei bollenti spiriti."

As soon as he was gone, she wiped her face. Pulling herself together, she made a beeline for the door. She needed to be on the Bridge, there was no way she could just pace in her office while Picard was putting his life on the line. The distance from Sickbay to the Bridge never seemed so long. By the time she stepped off the turbolift, his shuttle was launching. Riker noted her arrival and joined her at one of the science stations. Using the pretext of monitoring Picard's vital signs as justification for her presence on the Brige, she activated the station and programmed in a display of his biosign readings.

"Doctor," Riker said in a low voice. "He insisted on being the one in the shuttle."

"I know, Will."

He caught her arm, turning her to face him. "Is this Odan?"

Crusher gave a harsh laugh. "No, this is vintage Jean-Luc Picard. There's a reason he was the youngest captain in Starfleet or have you forgotten everything you learned about him over the past few years?"

"Why is he doing this?"

There was no anger or bitterness in her tone, only resignation. "To prove to all of you that you still have the full measure of his loyalty even if he doesn't have yours yet. He's doing this to earn your trust and respect back. He's doing this because it's who he is; he's the Captain of this ship."

Riker tapped his communicator. "Bridge to O'Brien, lock on to the Captain's communicator. I want to be able to pull him out of there if I have to."

...

Crusher was futzing nervously with the table setting in Picard's quarters. Watching his shuttle spiral out of control, it had taken every ounce of restraint to stay silent on the Bridge. Near the end she had stopped breathing for one agonizing moment while she and the rest of the Bridge crew waited for confirmation from O'Brien that he'd managed to retrieve the captain. Breathing a sigh of relief herself, she had been touched to see the obvious relief from Riker and Worf at the news of Picard's safe return. Not trusting herself to maintain her composure, she left the Bridge before he arrived.

She still hadn't worked out exactly how to broach the subject but she knew what she wanted. Events over the recent months had coalesced into an instant of perfect clarity for her on the Bridge; she just wasn't sure how Picard would react. The door slid open and she couldn't quite stop the corners of her mouth from twitching with amusement at his wary manner as he entered.

"I stopped by Sickbay," he held up a PADD almost defensively. "Will told me that you'd been on the Bridge earlier and I assumed that you would want to run a scan to see for yourself that I was fine. Dr. Selar informed me that you weren't expected back today and performed the scans herself."

She took the PADD but tossed it aside without looking. "I was monitoring your bio-signs from the Bridge; I knew you were fine. Since you'd had a long day, I thought you might be hungry and tired so I let myself in to start dinner."

"That's . . . very . . . considerate," he said slowly, obviously choosing his words very carefully.

'But uncharacteristic,' she could almost hear the unspoken sentiment. He would be right. Usually this was the point where fear drove her to retreat into her shell, the 'icy exterior' that Odan had broken through. She had realized in that moment on the Bridge that whether she ran away from the possibility of loss or had to face the reality of loss, the pain and grief would still be there in the end. She was tired of fear; she was tired of isolating herself emotionally from everyone around her in order to avoid the pain of loss. If she had known how short a time she would have Jack, would she still have married him or would she erase their time together and Wesley with the same stroke that would erase the pain of Jack's death? As hard as it was, the answer was yes but she would have focused more on the time they had instead of the future they never got. Here, right in front of her, were two individuals who both loved her in their own ways and all she had to do was embrace the present, experience the love that Odan Picard wanted to share with her now. The future would happen regardless, but the memories they made would always be there. "I assure you that you did not return to an alternate universe version of the Enterprise."

"That's good to know," he commented in a neutral tone, uncertainty still obvious in his demeanor. "We're enroute to Starbase Two but all systems appear to be operating within normal parameters."

"There haven't been any reports of illness among the crew to this point," she advised him as she handed him a glass of wine.

He gently swirled the liquid in his glass, studying her. "Any reports of unusual behavior?"

She couldn't stop the eruption of laughter. The combination of her own emotional turmoil and nerves with his calm, wry comment struck her as too funny. "I've stopped counting how many times I've almost lost you. I can see the difference in you since you got your command back, Odan. This is where you belong, this is where Jean-Luc's heart is. The captain of a starship is who you are; if you're not Captain Picard, you're lost. I want you to be happy, Odan. The fact is that if I want you to be in my life, this is how it has to be and I do want you to be in my life. Even if we only have a few years, I want those years to matter. I don't want to waste any of the time we have being scared of losing you."

Picard set his glass down so he could pull her into his embrace. "My darling, Doctor Beverly, I can almost promise you that you will not lose me. It is far more likely, near certain that I will lose you as I've lost many before you; dear friends, family and past loves who have died over the course of my lifetime, too many to count. I savor every individual who comes through my life because I know that their presence is transient. Only other symbionts know the weight of loss that we accumulate through the centuries. Adar and others of our kind are the only constants in our respective lives. That's one reason that it's so important for us to remain connected to one another throughout our many lifetimes. I live each day knowing that I will one day stand over your grave just as certainly as I will mark Jean-Luc's grave with my zhian'om one day."

"Oh, Odan." With all of the loss she'd experienced, her parents, all of the those people on Arvada, Nana, Jack, Walker, patients and friends, multiplying that loss by all of the former hosts whom she'd met during Odan's zhian'tara seemed too overwhelming to endure. The idea of immortality always seemed so enticing, to have an eternity to live and learn all of the secrets of the universe. It was so easy to overlook the price that long-lived individuals paid for that longevity, especially when the majority of those around them didn't have the same life span.

"In many respects I am more myself in this lifetime than I have ever been," Picard said, not relinquishing his hold on her. "Jean-Luc and I co-exist in this body, working together as a team. In some ways we have merged ourselves into one but I have been forced to be much more aware of myself as an individual in this process than I have with Trill hosts who choose to merge. Being both Odan and Picard, feeling everything either of us has ever felt, I am so much more aware of time passing and the difference between living and existing. I know that you were frightened today and both Jean-Luc and I expected you to withdraw from us, back into your shell. You are finally embracing the strength that both of us knew was there. Jean-Luc may not have known the passion and fire that you possess, but he has always known and respected your intelligence and strength. That is why he has always valued your opinions, Doctor Beverly. Even in those times where you did not feel strong, you have always exuded strength to all those around you. It has been a comfort to me-both of me- many times. I love your strength, your wisdom, your compassion and your fire."

She kissed him hard and passionately. "Marry me."

He pulled back, a quizzical expression on his face.

Before he could respond, she pressed one finger against his lips. "I know that you're still unsure of some things, so I don't expect an answer right now. Just think about it, discuss it amongst yourselves. I love you and I want to be able to come home at the end of a day-good or bad-and tell you all about it over dinner. I want to wake up in the morning and talk about the upcoming day over Fanalian tea and omelets. I want you. I'm asking you to marry me."

Kissing her finger, he gave her a soft, barely-there smile. "Well, I'm no expert on these things but if this is an official proposal of marriage, shouldn't the person proposing be on bended knee?"

Anticipation sent her heart fluttering wildly. She hadn't been sure how he would react and this wasn't exactly how she'd planned to broach the subject of their sharing quarters. Once the words were out of her mouth, she actually wanted him to say yes. She wanted this more than anything she had wanted in a long time. He hadn't said no and she could tell that Odan and Jean-Luc were having a heated debate on the matter-his humorous retort was a stalling tactic. It was incredible how well she had learned to read Odan Picard in their time together. She also knew how to influence his internal debate. Trailing her finger down his lean torso, she arched an eyebrow at him. "If you insist."

Crusher slid her hand into the waistband of his trousers and deftly unfastened them. As she lowered herself to kneel in front of Picard, she drew his trousers and underwear down as well. Feeling very daring, she licked up the inside of first one thigh then the other. His hands wound themselves into her hair, holding her tight but not forcing her attention anywhere specific. She nuzzled the growing evidence of his desire, grinning sassily up at him. "I am on bended knee and officially asking for your hand in marriage, Odan Picard."

When her mouth encircled him and began moving, "Oh yes, Doctor Beverly," were the only words he said for a long time.

*De miei bollenti spiriti – Wild my dream of ecstasy (a line from La Traviata)