A/N: And you all patiently all waited two months and what did I give you? Something which wasn't really worth waiting two months for. Yeah, I suck. Hopefully this will help make up for it ^^

It is always darkest before the dawn and nowhere is this truer than in the case of intoxication.

Shepard's stomach lurched; she was lying down on her bed, feeling distraught and hollow. She had what she wanted; shouldn't she be allowed to feel happy for herself? Could it just be first time nerves?

It wasn't like she'd ever tried anything like this with a Turian before.

"Yeah... definitely."

Shepard remembered the happy expression on his face as he said it and her stomach flipped. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to blot it out.

This definitely wasn't a case of first-time nerves.

Jenkins, Kaiden and everyone else, all she could remember of them was sex: She beckoned, they came. Had any of them looked at her like that before? She turned over on her bed: It wasn't supposed to turn out like this.

She was supposed to beckon, he was supposed to come. Nothing more and nothing less, just like always.

But the way he was looking at her... he wasn't eying her up like a piece of meat in a shop window; eyeing her up like she was already so used to. But was what he was looking at her with necessarily any better? Happiness was there, certainly; however, there was also a sense that he was holding her up like a revered paragon from the heavens, like she could play no foul in his eyes. A shiver ran down her spine; she wasn't sure she liked that part of his expression. Everywhere she turned beings of all species looked at her in that same way, like the Saviour of the Citadel had floated down from the skies to solve all their problems personally: any second all of them could turn on her, just like the council did, and all it needed to do was suit them. Could she really trust Garrus in that way, especially with his son-of-a-bitch alter ego Archangel hanging over them?

But, as always, there were two sides to that coin. For the first time she knew that sex wasn't enough; the look on his face had confirmed that. She wanted more, but did she necessarily need it? She'd pursued a half-hearted relationship with Kaiden on the original Normandy because it had seemed the right thing to do and had even pretended to care when she met him again on Horizon for much the same reason. When she received a half-assed apology email from him she'd completely ignored it because, quite frankly, she couldn't be bothered with 'the right thing to do' anymore. Now she wasn't sure that there was even such a thing; had it ever been there or was it just a fabrication of her wild imagination? Something to help ease the regret from every bad decision she had ever made.

Bad decisions, those she had made plenty of. It was her call: Ashley or Kaiden. Had she allowed the promise of a night together blur her decision? No her mind had rationalized; Kaiden was the higher ranked officer, he was the highest priority. But what would her head say to her if she made the wrong decision with Garrus?

Well, here you are back in the same position as always. Betrayed, hurt. Congratulations.

Are you really happy now that you've gotten what you wanted? Honestly? Or are you just kidding yourself, yet again.

It seemed either way she was damned.

Pain jolted through her head, her stomach gave another stabbing lurch. She closed her eyes and let her mind drift off...

[...]

She was standing alone on a beach somewhere; the sea breeze cascaded around her, pushing the light fabric of her dress around her body. She could feel cool sea water lapping around her ankles and the gently setting sun warming her shoulders, the serene call of birds cried out to her in the distance and the deep blue of the ocean seemed to stretch out for all eternity.

It seemed she'd recreated her own personal hell: Virmirie.

"Why did you do it Shepard?"

Ashley was walking up to her from down the beach, having come apparently from nowhere. She too was wearing a light, summer dress which flapped about helplessly in the breeze.

"Ashley, what are you talking about? Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Why did you do it Shepard?"

"Don't you remember? You gave up your life – sacrificed yourself – in order to stop Saren."

"Why me? Why not Kaiden?"

"You volunteered-"

"Why? You could have come back, gotten me, gotten him. Simple."

"There wasn't time! Besides, Kai- Lieutenant Alenko was overwhelmed-"

"Lieutenant Alenko? Really? You've changed your tune."

"If I'd have left him there any longer it would have been suicide-"

She snorted. "Suicide? You mean like the time when you left me here with absolutely nothing for company except a live atomic bomb and a fistful of geth!" Ashley's glare became menacing "I want to know why."

Shepard swallowed "Kaiden is the higher ranking officer, Alliance protocol states-"

"Oh, please spare me the crap already. I saw the way you looked at your little toy boy back on the Normandy. Everyone did. Tell me something, did he really ever mean anything to you? Was he worth it?"

"No I-"

"Is he worth it now that he's sold you out for a promotion in the military? You act so high and mighty, as though men are purely things for you to use and throw away, when in actual fact he was the one doing the using. You think he'd be where he is without you?"

"That's not true-"

"Do you think he'd even be alive right now without you? Just think; if the great Commander Shepard turned out male I could have used my feminine wiles on him and damn well lived!"

"Ashley..."

"What?"

"Your dress is on fire."

The fire flicked up from the hem of her dress, burning her arm.

"I'm sorry, but it looks like times up for me. And it's been so soon too." Her voice was thick but she still managed to wink at Shepard. "Tick tock, bombs about to go off."

Ashley's entire form became engulfed in flames; she seemed to burn away into the air.

Shepard grasped at where Ashley was just standing; she felt her knees buckle out from under her. She kneeled on the white sand, helpless, as the raw sobs forced their way out of her throat.

"Shhh, it's okay."

A pair of arms scooped her up into a tight embrace.

"Ashey- She was here, but now she's was gone-"

Shepard buried her face into Garrus' armour.

"Listen," he held onto her slightly tighter "you made a very hard decision, one which none of us wanted to make."

"I made a horrible mistake, and now Ashley hates me."

"Ashley doesn't hate you. She died a hero's death, one she was prepared for when she signed up to help fight Saren. One which we all were. There was no right choice between Kaiden and Ashley; you did what you had to do. Nobody expected any less of you, nobody expected anymore of you."

"But Kaiden- Why am I such a bitch? No wonder no one ever wants me."

"Shepard," He pulled back and held her face in his hand, wiping away some of her tears "that's complete and utter crap and you know it."

She looked up at his face clearly for the first time.

"Garrus, your scar, it's gone..."

"What scar?"

"There's a gunship, and you're on the ground and I'm scared out of my mind for losing you again-"

"But I'm standing here now aren't I?" He let go of her face "Listen, I have to go now Shepard. We may not see each other for awhile, but I need you to promise me one thing before I can leave."

"I don't want you to leave."

"I have to, but we will cross paths again, I promise. And when we do, I will need you more than anything else in this Galaxy. Please be there for me, no matter what?"

"...I promise."

He turned and started to walk away.

"Wait! Can I ask you one thing before you leave?"

"Yes?"

"Where are you going?"

He continued to walk.

"Omega. Where else?"

Garrus disappeared into the horizon and Shepard was left standing alone again, the sun had almost set and a cold wind had set in around the area. Slowly she began to walk into the sea, she didn't know how far she was going to walk, or where for the matter, but she was going to find her way back into the Normady, no matter what...

Shepard woke up in a cold sweat. Her head pounded and every muscle in her body ached. She swung her legs out of bed, and walked into her bathroom. Leaning against the sink, she looked at her reflection: Her hair clumped around her head in a complete mess, her eyes were red and lined with dark circles, and her face was pale and sallow. She looked like complete and utter crap.

"That's complete and utter crap and you know it."

Shepard turned around and sank down into the floor of the bathroom. She remembered Ashley's harsh words, feeling sick and disgusted with herself, the warm embrace of a friend...

"Be there for me, no matter what."

"I promise."

Garrus. He needed her far more than he would ever let on: In her anger at Sidonis - her anger at Archangel - had she even stopped to think about him? The Garrus she had known lived in a bubble where justice was always served; the thought that Sidonis was wandering around unpunished for his crime nearly destroyed him. Why did it take a stupid, surreal dream for her to realise that?

Had she ever thought about what she wanted when all of this was over? She sighed; honestly, she knew that they were all screwed. She wasn't humanities golden girl, nor was she anymore capable of the miracle it would require to get everyone out of this mess alive than the next person. Still, it wouldn't hurt to close her eyes and imagine a galaxy free of the reapers, even if it was just for a fleeting second...

The sun was set high in the sky and the hot sand warmed the balls of her feet. She breathed in the salty, sea air; there was absolutely nothing here to worry about. She could stand here blissfully for all of eternity and watch time pass by along with the waxing and waning of the tide. She felt a pair of familiar arms wrap herself around her from behind.

Slowly, she placed her hand on his cool wrist and breathed in the moment. In the end maybe she and Garrus wouldn't work out, but that didn't mean it wasn't worth trying. For his sake and for hers, to see where it went.

Just this once.

The ice cold barrel of the gun pressed across Garrus' temple. One little squeeze, that would be all it would take. One little push and all of this would be over. His mistakes would be scourged off of the face of existence once and for all. He wouldn't have to live with the guilt any longer.

Only one person would know. And that person is out there somewhere, unpunished. Nobody would know what he's done. Garrus laughed at the idea; it almost seemed a fair price to pay for a clean and tidy end. Give up on all his principles, everything he'd ever believed in, all just so that he could end things on his terms. Like the pathetic coward he was.

He ran his finger down the smooth curve of the trigger. No need to hurry, he was a doomed man but he had all of the time in the world. There was nothing anybody could do to him anymore. Sidonis' laughter rang through his head. He held the gun slightly more firmly in his grasp. He could do it, all he needed to do was count to three...

He inhaled deeply.

Count to three and that bastard will get away scott free...

The gun clattered to the ground, he couldn't go through with it. He couldn't go without punishing Sidonis first; he knew owed that much to his men. He was going to fight his way out of here, track him down and make damn well sure he suffered. Then... then he didn't know. The best days of his life on the Normandy had already passed him, there was now nothing left for him to do. He had failed at everything he'd ever tried; the only thing he'd ever achieved at, the only thing he had been happy doing, had gone up in flames. Maybe he'd take the gun with him when he left...

Garrus jolted awake; he'd fallen asleep in the main battery again.

Damn it, hadn't he promised it to himself that he wouldn't think about it any longer? Garrus smacked his fist into the main computer. He isn't worth it, he's gone now, he got what he deserved; those where the words which spiralled repeatedly through his mind every day. But equally so, he shouldn't even be alive right now either: He didn't deserve it.

He should have killed himself when he had the chance, he should have been butchered by mercenaries. Somehow, against all odds, he was still standing here.

Incredibly she had been standing here too, only mere hours ago.

And even more so the words she had uttered so casually...

"We can test your reach... and my flexibility."

What the hell was running through Shepard's mind when she said that? Didn't she realise he was a Turian? That they weren't compatible? That neither of them had any idea to work this; oh Spirits, he had absolutely no idea what the hell he was supposed with a human of all things. And yet a part of him still wanted this: He didn't love Shepard, he wasn't even remotely attracted to her, true, but he respected her. She was the only person he could rely on, the only person he could trust. He wanted to make her happy; he wanted them to be happy together, even if it were only for a few short, fleeting moments.

Dying for Shepard's suicidal cause... Should he be worried since it didn't bother him? Now that Sidonis was gone he felt he owed nothing to the world, nothing but to stand at Shepard's side for as long as she needed him. There was no place left for him to go except the Normandy; his life back on Palaven... he didn't like to think about that. He wanted to forget; he was still a coward, still running away from his problems as always. Would Shepard still be interested if she knew that about him?

And even if they did 'take off', where exactly would this thing go? Would they do this thing and would that just be that? Shepard probably just wanted to have her fun now before it was too late, maybe she had just been harbouring a secret Turian fetish all along and realised this was her last chance at living it out. Perhaps not: If Shepard wanted a Turian she could walk out anytime she damn well pleased and go get one. Because that's exactly the kind of woman she was.

Garrus felt his chest tighten. That was who Shepard was; she was used to being swept off her feet by dozens of suitors every week. She was probably expecting a hugely romantic evening with him where he said flattering things, flirted and made her both blush and giggle devilishly at the same time. How exactly did humans flirt anyway? What if he inadvertently said something which offended her culture? What if something went wrong when they were... oh spirits, the thought alone made him inwardly blush. What if he hurt her? What if she changed her mind at the very last second because he wasn't good enough? Then things would be weird between them and he'd ruined just about the only friendship he has left with only himself to blame. Why had he agreed? Why had it ever seemed like such a good idea to him? All the endless possibilities of how things could go wrong, all just so they could try to grasp at a thin film of happiness, almost as though it was the sun out peeking out from behind dense clouds. He had to call it off; he couldn't risk losing her over something so primal. Shepard didn't need him, she needed something familiar. Something like Jacob, something she understood. As for him? He didn't need anyone; he was resigned to spend the rest of his life alone. Everything he touched - everything he got close to - always went horribly wrong. He was being painfully naive if he thought this would be any different.

His heart gave a painful twinge. It would hurt, but he would get through it. He had to do it so he could be there for Shepard when she needed him the most. Besides, she deserved better than him. She deserved someone she could have a future with, not some deadbeat vigilante.

In the end, she deserved the right thing.