Chapter 2-
Mark: -gets in, closes the door, and collapses on the couch-
Roger: -lifts eyebrows from across the room- you don't look good.
Mark: geez thanks Rog, you're so sweet.
Roger: what happened?
Mark: Maureen.
Roger: oh. Let me guess. Who did she sleep with this time? Must be someone really hot. Hmm... Brad Pitt?
Mark: I wish.
Roger: Really?! Who was it? The President?!
Mark: I wish.
Roger: A ghost?
Mark: even that would have been better.
Roger: well who?
Mark: don't laugh too hard.
Roger: umm. Okay.
Mark: remember you promised!
Roger: who the hell was it?!
Mark: a lawyer.
Roger: ...and that's worse than Brad Pitt because...
Mark: a lawyer named Joanne.
Roger: -stares-
Mark: oh yeah. And it's not just sex. She dumped me. For her. Because she promised me she'll stop cheating. So she stopped. Cheating on her that is.
Roger: -bursts out laughing-
Mark: remember you promised not to laugh too hard.
Roger: -rolls on the floor laughing-
Mark: she offered to set me up.
Roger: -in between waves of laughter- well that was nice of her wasn't it?
Mark: …with Joanne's brother.
Roger: -stares then starts weeping with laughter on his guitar-
Mark: …yeah.
Roger: -hits fist on the floor-
Mark: …now you're pushing it.
Roger: -screams with laughter Jaffar-style-
Mark: oh shut up.
Roger: I gotta ask, are you going?
Mark: …-hits him-
Roger: I just asked! Anyway, is she like, a lesbian now?
Mark: for now I guess. At least until she meets Brad Pitt or something…
Roger: boy, she really likes to try new stuff doesn't she? Next thing you know, she'll dump that lawyer girl for her Labrador.
Mark: or for that cow that lives in her head.
Roger: or for your scarf.
Mark: no way, she ain't touching Scarfy.
Roger: SCARFY? ...no WONDER she gave up on men.
Mark: hey how many girls ran away from here when you talked about Susan, your stupid fucking guitar because they thought you had another girl here?!
Roger: well yeah. You're right. But they ran off to find another GUY.
Mark: actually, I saw two of them getting it on outside yesterday.
Roger: yeah right.
Mark: I have videotaped proof.
Roger: oh well. It wasn't because of me though. I haven't been with anyone for a year now and before that I was with April for two years, so they would have had time to be disappointed in other men by now.
Mark: ACTUALLY, I talked to them. And they said they started dating that night they ran away from you.
Roger: oh.
Mark: yeah.
Roger: lucky I wasn't dating any of them for eighteen months, huh?
Mark: …four if you count like Maureen.
Roger: she thought it was four months?
Mark: …yeah.
Roger: ...any other pathetic things she said?
Mark: like that's not pathetic enough?
Roger: oh I know, did she tease you about the size of your bed?
Mark: doesn't she always?
Roger: did she tease you about the size of… other things you possibly own?
Mark: the other things are in perfectly normal size!!! -blush-
Roger: well she's a lesbian, you never know what size they want it.
Mark: they don't want it, that's why they're lesbians Roger.
Roger: did she tease you about talking during sex?
Mark: …how do you even know about that?!
Roger: umm. We do share a wall.
Mark: …yeah but I left when you did it! Jesus Roger!
Roger: well what? Maureen lived here, you want me to leave EVERY night?!
Mark: we didn't do it every night, she cheated on my like 85 per cent of the time!
Roger: well. I guess I just made some mistakes in my calculations of the nights she would actually spend here.
Mark: I guess you did.
Roger: will you be okay? You really should start dating someone else. Perhaps someone less hot.
Mark: yeah, I'm a regular chick-magnet. Give me five minutes and I have a date.
Roger: sorry about that buddy.
Mark: not your fault.
Roger: umm.
Mark: …what?
Roger: nothing. It's just that. Umm. I sort of introduced Maureen to this... lawyer girl.
Mark: you WHAT?! Where do you even know a lawyer from?!
Roger: I was at Jamie's party the other night and she was there, and we got to talking over a glass of wine, and Maureen arrived later that night and she was the only person I knew there so I called her over and... introduced her to Joanne...
Mark: …and you call yourself my best friend!
Roger: I didn't know either of them was a lesbian!!!
Mark: it's MAUREEN! You don't introduce her to anything that can have sex!
Roger: well... I thought it would be rude not to...
Mark: you've been rude all your life and NOW you get polite on me?!
Roger: sorry.
Mark: oh THAT'S helpful!
Roger: they could have met at that party without my help you know.
Mark: but they could have not met too!
Roger: yeah. I guess that was also a possibility.
Mark: you do realize I will now blame you for this forever.
Roger: go ahead. If that helps you.
Mark: I got dumped. For a girl. On my birthday. I'll take anything.
Roger: umm. I don't know how that fits into all this, but I bought you a present.
Mark: …with whose money?
Roger: my uncle's.
Mark: well as long as it's not with mine like last year.
Roger: you want it?
Mark: yeah, thanks.
Roger: ...you sure?
Mark: …why?
Roger: -hands it over- it's. umm. A double voucher for the most romantic restaurant on the block.
Mark: …-glares- of course. Of course it is. How could it possibly be anything else today?!
Roger: sorry. I thought you could, you know, surprise Maureen.
Mark: Sure. Well maybe I'll take Joanne's brother there. -darkly-
Roger: so you do have something to do with it! Now I won't feel so bad! Let me know how it works out!
Mark: …Roger you do realize I'm not gay?
Roger: but isn't it easier going out with a guy now and get back at Maureen?
Mark: that'll only work if the girl cares. And she doesn't.
Roger: but now you can tell people you had such a bad time with girls that you gave up on the whole gender. And point out that the one who pushed you over the edge was Maureen. Which is true, given she introduced you to the first one.
Mark: I'm gonna start thinking that you want me to date guys so you could listen you perv!
Roger: well. Guys usually don't talk too much you know. (haven't you seen Brokeback Mountain?)
Mark: -throws a pillow at him- shut up.
Roger: so are you going?
Mark: I'm not gay.
Roger: might as well give it a shot. What have you got to lose?!
Mark: …wow. Sadly nothing.
Roger: so are you going?!
Mark: you know, Maureen just offered. I bet he's not even gay.
Roger: call Maureen and ask.
Mark: that'll be too humiliating. Even for me.
Roger: -picks up the phone and dials-
Mark: -stares in horror- hang up RIGHT NOW!
Roger: -ignores him completely- Hi Maureen! What's up?! Congratulations on the new relationship! Hey listen, I'm calling for Mark cause he's too shy to do it himself –
Mark: -hits him- HANG UP YOU MORON OR I'LL KICK YOU OUT!
Roger: -runs around the apartment while talking- so he told me you offered to set him up with Joanne's brother. Yeah. What's the guy's name, by the way? John? to Mark it's John. Lovely name, isn't it?
Mark: -chases him and tries to snatch the phone- you don't hang up and you won't live to have Aids!
Roger: -runs away- so Maureen, when is the guy free? Is he available for a blind date? Sure, you say? So when? How about tomorrow night?
Mark: ROGER HANG UP!!!!
Roger: 8 o'clock at Bridges? Sure.
Mark: You asshole!!! HANG UP!!!
Roger: he'll be there. He can't wait. Oh, so how is the guy? Is he hot?
Mark: ROGER!!!!!!
Roger: okay, so see ya Maureen. -hangs up-
Mark: I LOATHE you.
Roger: what? I just set you up with a guy who can do belly dancing.
Mark: …that's just wrong!
Roger: have fun! Hope you score! -gets into his room-
Mark: I'm NOT going!
Roger: okay, good luck telling Maureen that. -slams door-
Mark: …I hate you.
Roger: -starts playing love songs on the guitar-
Mark: …
Roger: -plays the wedding march-
Mark: son of a bitch.
Roger: just call Maureen already. -plays Have I Told You Lately-
Mark: -grunts- damn bastard…-calls- Maureen?
Maureen: Hi baby!
Mark: …I'm calling about what Roger just did.
Maureen: What did Roger just do?
Mark: you know…called you about whatever-his-name-is.
Maureen: who?
Mark: you know…he told you I want…-shudders- to date Joanne's brother.
Maureen: you do?! That's so great! I'll call him right away!
Mark: I DON'T! That's what Roger said, I'm calling to tell you that I'm NOT INTERESTED!
Maureen: I just got home baby, didn't talk to Roger in two weeks. Anyway, that's great news, I'll tell Joanne to call Jake at once.
Mark: JAKE?! Oh that bastard…look Maureen, I DON'T WANT to date him. I'm not gay.
Maureen: what did you say? There's a bad connection, I can hardly hear what you're saying. Anyway, how's Friday for you? Just scream "yes" or "no".
Mark: -screams at the top of his lungs- NO!
Maureen: oh, okay, then I'll just give him your number and he'll call you to set up the date. Anyway, gotta go, Joanne's surprise was, like, the sexiest thing ever, she's usually a geek but for me she just got a tattoo on her hip. I LOVE it. So, I'm gonna be busy for a while, you know.
Mark: -stares at the phone in horror, unplugs it and throws it out the window-
Roger: -plays Can You Feel the Love Tonight-
Mark: YOU'RE A DEAD MAN ROGER DAVIS!!!
Roger: -locks the door-
Mark: just wait- you gotta eat or pee sooner or later! I CAN WAIT! -sits in front of his door-
Roger: -starts carving a door to the hallway-
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A/N: Ah, the way Lyan portraits Mark oh so perfectly.
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