CHAPTER 15: Atonement.
Astoria watched, from a cautious distance, how Blaise made Helena laugh. She couldn't hear what he was saying, but knew perfectly well that he was being as charming as possible; and that, was a lot. She had not talked to her friend, yet, even though a couple of days had passed, and although she would not admit it out in the open, she was terribly worried that their friendship had been severely damaged. She would have to trust Blaise with that. Observing him flash his 10000 watt smile at her Ravenclaw friend, she started feeling calmer about the whole situation. She had already accepted that Draco was not going to write back at her, but she was at peace with herself, for she had said what had been killing her during those silent days of reclusion.
-They do make a good couple, don't they?
Luna's dreamy voice interrupted Astoria's thoughts. Without taking her dark eyes off the laughing couple, she nodded. All the anger she had been feeling towards Helena had now faded away in favour of a much more unbearable emotion: guilt. Was it possible that she had monopolized Blaise to such an extent? Maybe. Who the hell knew. How things could have changed so vastly in less than a school year was a mystery to her.
-I really hope everything goes alright with those two –she muttered.
-Even if it doesn't, you know she won't stay mad forever.
-Are you sure of that, Luna?
-Yes.
-How can you?
-Because… It's the way things are supposed to be. Us three… We belong together.
Astoria looked at her friend, and admired her ability to smile wide even in the worst possible moments. She had not had an easy life, Luna. Loosing her mom, being raised by a single father (who was not precisely normal), being an outcast in school… She could see now why the three of them were always together. They were the same, somehow. Lack of affection, inability to fit in… Astoria brought her hand to Luna's platinum blonde hair and stroked it delicately. She was not perfect. And she was definitely weird. But Luna was much more of a sister to her than she could have ever expected when she first met her. And even though it was very hard for her to show her affection for her friends, they both knew it was there, and believed firmly in it.
Astoria had not told Luna (nor Helena, obviously), that she had written a letter to Draco. Only Blaise knew, and he had avoided the subject until that day. Sitting one in front of the other, at the end of the Slytherin table, they stared at each other.
-What? –Astoria snapped.
-Any news?
-Bad weather approaching, it seems –she snorted.
-Astoria… You know what I'm talking about.
-I do.
-So…? –he insisted.
Astoria fixed her black irises on his dark chocolate ones. He was supposed to get the point, but raised his eyebrows interrogatively.
-How are things going with you and Lena? –she asked, softly.
This time he did get her point, since such an abrupt change of subject was definitely significant and sighed out loud.
-Fine, they're going fine.
-Have you talked to her about me, yet?
-No, I'm not that stupid, Astoria –he laughed at her expression-. If I start talking to her about you right away she will think I'm only approaching her to do you a favour, then she'll get mad and start becoming paranoid about you and me again.
-How the fuck can you have such an insight view of the female mind?
-Sometimes I think it's the only thing I'm good at…
A shadow of sadness crossed Blaise's gaze, quick as a ghost. She snapped her tongue, in disapproval.
-You know that is a big, fat lie. Almost as big and fat as my dear sister.
Blaise smirked ironically and glanced sideways at the other end of the table. She followed his eyes. Daphne was wearing a revealing shirt and kept placing her hand on one of the guys' arm. Astoria thought, with grief, how beautiful she was, and how different from her.
-She's not big and fat –she said, out of random.
-I can see that –Blaise laughed.
-Do you like her?
-Of course not.
-But if you didn't know her personally, would you like her?
-Well… Of course. She is pretty.
-Yeah…
-What is going through your mind in this precise moment, Astoria?
-I thought you always knew about the female mind.
-I do.
-Okay, so what am I thinking?
-That you're ugly. And she's not. And that it is very unfair because she is disgusting on the inside, which you are not.
-I thought you said I was not ugly.
-I don't think you're ugly. This is your mind, we're talking about, not mine.
-And what else?
-And you feel rejection towards her and the way she behaves.
-That I do.
-And you'd also like to become closer to her.
-What?
-You do –he nodded, while gulping down his pumpkin juice.
-No, I don't.
-Yes, you do. You're not conscious about it yet, but you do wish you had a good relationship with your sister.
Astoria could not open her mouth after that. Blaise's words had been so assertive she did not dare contradict them. At least not until she had thought of a good argument to do so. And the second she started looking for one, she realized that Blaise was actually VERY right. He smiled genuinely at her, but she didn't notice, absorbed as she was in her thoughts. Lost in her stream of consciousness, Astoria abandoned her usual predatory look. Her always narrowed eyes had become wide now, with surprise, and all of a sudden, she looked a little bit like a child. She was trying to recall the times when she and her sister had gotten along. Long lost memories were now flowing through her mind, in a succession of images that seemed now distant to her. She and Daphne, talking at night, under the blankets. She and Daphne trying on clothes. Daphne brushing her long, blond hair before she died it black and cut it. When had things started to fuck up between them both? Astoria had never had a good relationship with her parents, but Daphne had always been more or less nice and normal to her until things changed. But when was that? Her eyes widened even more, and she looked up at Blaise, who was observing her with curiosity. She had finally remembered the last civilized conversation she had had with her sister.
-Daphne, you look gorgeous –Astoria smiled, brushing her long, blond fringe off her eyes.
Her sister was looking in the mirror, turning around so she could she her crème coloured dress from all angles. She smiled at Astoria and clapped her hands nervously.
-I'm so excited! This is going to be the best fourteen birthday party ever!
She sat on her bed, and started doing Astoria's nails with a pastel pink colour. Her younger sister stared at her with a smile as she worked on them. She was feeling nervous, though, seeing as she was not the most social kid ever and there were a lot of guests coming over for Daphne's party.
-Just promise me one thing… -she said- Don't leave me alone, today.
-Don't worry, silly! –Daphne shook her head, and her beautiful golden locks danced around her bright smile- I won't.
So that was it. The reason why she hated Daphne with such a passion was out there, in the light. She remembered now how her parents kept the whole story with Uncle Philip a secret, and never told Daphne a single word about it. Disgusted, Astoria closed up and blamed the only person she could hurt; her sister. After so many years, the girl was finally conscious of her reasons to stay away from her sister. She had not been there. She had promised she'd be there, and then had left her alone, ready to become that bastard's prey. And up until now, Astoria had repressed this truth inside of her, just to use it as fuel against her sister, against everything that she could never be. Against her fears. As she turned her head to the side to take another look at Daphne, her sister's green eyes met hers. Daphne's were full of scorn, and she did not notice the immense sadness and concern in Astoria's. The younger sister continued to stare in silence, wondering how much damage she had caused Daphne by refusing to talk to her, to let her in, after that night. Could it be as much as she had caused her? Was there another narrator for the same story? As she felt her throat tighten, she promised herself she would make up for that. She would make it up to Daphne, somehow. If Blaise hadn't known better, he would have believed Astoria's jet black eyes were starting to water. But in the blink of an eye the sparkles were gone. Nah, now that he came to think about it, who had ever seen Astoria cry?
In that exact moment, a majestic, dark owl batted its wings, heading for Hogwarts School of Magic, a letter firmly tied to its claw.