Here's the next part. Hope you enjoy! :)
Immediately after school that day Courtney was escorted to her first therapy session, a requirement for her to be let out of the surveillance of the hospital. Courtney had been dreading it all day long and after her breakdown she didn't want to go even more than before. Still, her mother made her. After all, what was worse? Enduring a couple days a week of this or going back to the hospital?
If only her mother knew that the latter was more favorable for Courtney.
Her mother was just as jittery about this as she had been about school. Her hands shook intensely as she held on to the wheel, watching her baby exit the car in the same manner as before. "Honey!" she called as her daughter reached the door to the prison. "Just-" she stopped, rethinking her words. "Cooperate!"
Courtney looked back over her shoulder at her mother, rolling her eyes at her like any other teenager would have. The only problem was that this mother's worries, unlike most, were well placed. Her daughter had been planning to screw with the therapist all along for the lol's and because she knew nothing this person would say could make her feel any better.
Nevertheless she found herself being carried by her feet in to the foreign building made for those who weren't quite right.
She wasn't quite sure what she'd been expecting, a room full of wackos waiting to be seen, a full white backdrop, or a frenzy of employees who looked half dead from the work they did with people and their insecurities. But whatever she thought would be there most certainly wasn't. The place was strangely at peace, only one other person present in the room, the walls were a neutral color of beige, not plain, and there was zero percent sign of any past struggles. This place was certainly no mental institute.
"Hello." the woman behind the desk said cheerfully. "You must be Courtney."
Courtney cringed at how happy she was able to sound. Shouldn't there be a rule against being happier than the people you were seeing? These people were depressed after all. Still, Courtney managed a tiny wave with extreme lackluster, walking unsurely over to the desk.
The woman kept her look of cheer. "Now if you'd just sit down and wait for a minute you'll be seen shortly." she instructed, pointing over to a row of chairs set against the wall.
Courtney frowned, wondering who else's life was miserable enough for them to end up here, doing the same routine as herself. Who else in this town was suicidal? As she pondered this she made her way to a seat, settling down to wait for whatever amount of time was necessary.
About five minutes later another woman appeared at the door set to the right of the desk, a content look present on her face. Courtney had to wonder what she might have accomplished in the last few minutes that would cause any amount of happiness. Then again, it was suicidal people they were talking about here. Just keeping them from killing themselves was an accomplishment in and of itself.
"Courtney?" she chirped with a soft smile.
Courtney kept her frown, raising up to stand and then walk over to her.
"Come on in." she said in that false sweet voice that was common when talking to those one thought to be unwell. It was a voice that Courtney no longer appreciated too. She heard it all too much over the past little bit of her life. She just wanted it to disappear from the face of the earth. That would make her smile.
Courtney stepped through the door as the lady stepped aside, eyes widening as a plain old room was revealed to her senses. There were no foreign gadgets present like when she'd been supervised at the hospital. It was as ordinary as her own room.
The back wall was covered by a row of bookshelves littered with all kinds of books, the right wall had a brown armchair pressed against it, facing another chair on the opposite side of the room. Although, upon a second look, Courtney saw that it was more like a couch than a chair. A brown couch. The walls were, in great contrast, bright yellow, purple flowers painted as an add-on, and the floor was carpeted in a likewise fashion.
Courtney made a face at the place. It was so strange.
"Not what you expected, huh?" the lady said amusedly, shutting the door behind her before heading over to the armchair and settling in with a soft sigh.
Courtney didn't respond nor did she move.
"I get that a lot." she chuckled. "My place isn't exactly the norm for therapy sessions." she moved her gaze away from Courtney to look at the ceiling. "But why should it be? When people are depressed why in the world would they want to have murky colors around?" she crossed her arms. "So I made my space unique."
Courtney really didn't care why this was such a strange out there room, all she wanted to know was how this person could do anything for her. Anything else was useless info.
"But I'm rambling." she chortled, leaning back. "This is about you, not the decor." a pause. "So why don't you sit down?"
Courtney frowned deeply, not moving for a minute out of pure stubbornness. Only when she saw that this woman was unfazed by her resistance did she give up and dawdle over to the couch where many before her had occupied.
The woman folded her hands together. "Alright then." she smiled. "What do you want to talk about?" she said without care to the answer.
Courtney stared blankly at her, blinking twice as if it would disperse the illusion. "...Huh?" she finally uttered a word. Why on earth would she want to know random stories from her? Wasn't there some sort of method that all therapists used to cure their patients? Or was this really it?
This got a laugh from the woman. "You were expecting something more?"
Courtney nodded slowly. "Uh-huh."
Her smile widened. "Afraid there's nothing special up my sleeve. No magic or draught to 'fix' you." she paused to stretch. "All we do is talk. If you want to you'll tell me about what's up. But you don't have to."
Courtney's eyes widened greatly, a smile slipping past her once confused expression. "Really?"
She nodded. "Sure." a pause. "The best I, or anyone else, can hope for is that just having someone to talk to will make things better for you."
Courtney frowned again. "But...what if it doesn't...?" she asked tentatively.
The woman flinched slightly, but for the most part she kept her cool and content demeanor. "Then it doesn't." she shrugged. "I mean, it is my job to prevent it, but after a certain point it's not up to me what happens. What you do is in your hands."
Courtney scrunched her face up. She found this a little hard to believe. True this person cared not what happened to her, but still...what about those who did? What about her mom, Gwen, or Bridgette? If they realized she killed herself later on because her shrink didn't do anything to stop it they would be devastated.
The woman saw that Courtney was not convinced. "I really will try to help, honest. But there's only so much I can do." she frowned then. "I'm no miracle worker...just your friendly therapist." she chuckled with a more sad feel than was intended.
Courtney shrugged. "Whatever." a pause. "It's not that I want to be here-or alive for that matter. I just don't want to hurt people." she lowered her head slightly, all to familiar guilt sweeping over her.
This made the woman lower her gaze, but no more. What would have terrified ordinary people to hear was an every day thing to her. She'd heard it a million times before and would likely hear it millions of times after. It was what next to all suicidal people thought. If not for the relationships they held in the world they would not have a prayer of living. It's what bound them. "I know."
Courtney was astounded by her calm nature toward what Courtney had just told her. She couldn't imagine staying calm if someone told her this. Then again, she wasn't faced with this every day of her life. All she had to face was her own stupidity and lack of judgement which led her to where she was now.
"So, what else do you want to say? You can say whatever." she reminded.
Courtney shrugged, averting her eyes. "I dunno." she muttered. "I guess about my mom and Gwen."
She cocked her head. "Who's Gwen?"
Courtney's frown deepened. "My friend." a pause. "My best friend."
She nodded. "Why is she your friend?"
"Just cause." Courtney shrugged. "Why is anyone anyone else's friend?" she countered softly.
"Hmm." she murmured. "I don't know."
Courtney knew she was prompting her to give her the reason she figured to be adequate and as such did so. Besides, this was nice. Being able to just talk about things that, in her opinion, made no difference was refreshing. It was not at all like the prison of the hospital where it was a constant cycle of orders, no time for peaceful conversations, not when you were insane. "Well...she's kind."
The woman nodded, smiling faintly.
"She's very considerate of me and my problems, she usually won't press issues that are delicate, and more so she knows what is 'delicate'." she made quotation marks with her fingers. "She even goes out of her way to tiptoe around these things, even though she doesn't think I know this. She is just a good person."
"You're lucky." she said brightly. "Good people are hard to find these days."
Courtney smiled slightly. She was somehow pleased at hearing that she had had any amount of luck. Maybe this therapy stuff wasn't some hoax. "I wouldn't say so." she murmured, not willing to express what little pleasure she possessed out loud.
The woman kept her content expression, Courtney's bitterness affecting her little. "No. You wouldn't." a pause. "But that doesn't mean it isn't true." she assured Courtney.
Courtney snorted. "Maybe..." she trailed off.
The woman sensed they'd hit a dead end in the conversation and started something up again. "Do you think tiptoeing around your problems annoys her?"
Courtney thought deeply on this. There were so many plausible answers. "Sure. She'd have to have never ending patience to not be a little upset by it. But she never says it irritates her, that's part of what makes her so great." Courtney smiled a bit wider, thoughts of Gwen pleasing her.
"You just let her do it then?" she pondered, sincerely wondering.
Courtney blinked twice, smile slipping slightly. "I'm sorry?"
"You see that she doesn't love doing as she does, yet you still let her?"
Courtney swallowed hard. "Well...yeah." she hesitated, rubbing the back of her neck. "But even if I were to say something she wouldn't listen. It's how she is."
"Hmm." she looked back to the ceiling. "Interesting friend."
Courtney didn't like the woman's tone one bit. Sure it was better than that false happy voice she tried to do at the start, but just barely. "What's that supposed to mean?" she growled.
The woman looked back to Courtney, shrugging. "Just that from personal experience a friend who doesn't complain about her lot in life doesn't necessarily like it. She merely does it because her friend needs her too."
Courtney bristled. "Personal experience!" she snapped. "What? From all those depressed people you see! Huh?"
The woman showed the first signs of anger, teeth bared and eyes narrowed slightly. "No." she hissed. "Not even close."
Courtney snorted. "What other experiences are there?"
"How about my own life!" she barked. "I was your age once!"
"Were you suicidal then?" Courtney laughed. "Did going through all hell bring you out on the other side of the tunnel as a new enlightened person or some shit? After that you knew your lot in life was to help people!" she found the very notion to be ridiculous.
"NO!" she said harshly. "I know because my best friend was suicidal!"
Courtney started, fire suddenly drawn out of her with this one sharp blow.
The woman sighed deeply, holding her head in her hand as she shut her eyes tight. "I was about your age when she tried it. She went for the bullet to her brain. The only thing was she was so afraid of it hurting that she was shaking like crazy and completely missed the target." she let out a heavy breath. "Her parents heard the shot and raced to see what was wrong. Not long after she was admitted to the hospital."
Courtney listened intently to her tale, not at all intending to interrupt.
The woman really didn't want to go on, it still hurt to think about even to this day. However this seemed to hold the girls attention rather well and she had to admit that this would definitely give a new light to Courtney and her friends relationship. "I found out not long after when word started to spread like wildfire." she paused, being sure to keep her emotions in check. "I wanted to know what had possessed her, but she never would tell me. It was really hard too, not knowing what would set her off."
Courtney cringed. It sounded just like them.
"After a while though I learned the ropes and stayed away from the topics that were draped with caution signs, no matter how hard it was, no matter how much I had to go out of my way, no matter what." she tensed greatly. "It was especially important to make her believe it was nothing big even when deep down I hated every waking moment of it. It was a chore which I was never completely done with, an ever going struggle." a pause. "But I did it anyway. I did it because it was better than the alternative. I didn't want to lose her."
Courtney didn't quite know how she was supposed to react to all this. She got that the point behind all this was to show her that no matter what Gwen said she was probably feeling completely different. But...what else? Was this woman looking for sympathy? "So..." she started uncertainly. "What happened...?"
This made the woman cringe, a shiver running down her spine. "It didn't matter." she said bitterly. "Despite all I did it made no difference. A year later, our senior year, she successfully ended her life." her mouth twitched unnaturally, tears lacing her eyes. "I'll never forget that day, not until the day I die."
Courtney lowered her eyes to the ground, fidgeting slightly from discomfort. "I'm-I...sorry..." she whispered near inaudibly. She felt downright rotten for bringing this to the surface, especially considering the way she'd done it. She was nothing short of a brat.
The woman shook her head. "It's nothing." she assured. "Besides, I don't need your sympathies. It was too long ago for that." she chuckled falsely, mouth turning into a deep frown, eyes void of their previous warmth.
Courtney decided to take a different approach now. "Well...I get your point I guess." she admitted painfully, not liking to think of Gwen hating every moment around her even if it was better than the alternative. "I just hate to believe it."
"I know." she muttered softly, some of her sadness beginning to ebb. "But that's life for you."
"Ain't that the truth." Courtney grumbled, sighing heavily.
The woman glanced up at the clock above Courtney's head. They didn't have much time left. "Not that I deserve an answer, but...does Gwen know your problem?"
Courtney sucked in a sharp breath. "No!" she shrieked, shaking her head back and forth furtively.
"I figured." a pause. "It's pretty common for suicidal people to admit they have problems but not say what." she sighed. "Sadly that makes it pretty hard for others to help." she grit her teeth. "It's why a lot end up like my friend. Dead."
Courtney scowled. "It's because no one can help us, not completely at least." she averted her gaze, not wishing to see what the woman thought of this. "They'd only make it worse. Then what? We don't need unnecessary pain."
The woman raised a brow in interest. She always found this bit of her conversations with people interesting. There were no constant answers, peoples opinions varied greatly. Only certain things were similar. She wondered whether this would hold true for the girl before her.
"Besides, getting others involved not only hurts us, but them too. No one wants to hear that their kid wants to end it all, to die right where they stand. We all know that. So we tell one person that we know won't squeal and they try their best to ease the pain in both our hearts. Or at least we let them know we are miserable. That's all they need to know. Anything else is unnecessary and drags them further into our dark world."
"Hmm..." she murmured thoughtfully. "I see." she was falling back into her calm mood.
"It's the way it has to be." Courtney grumbled, looking back at the woman before her.
"But it's not." she insisted. "As much as it would hurt to know that someone is planning on killing themselves that pain is nothing compared to actually losing that person. You might not believe it, but those who care about you would do anything to preserve your life and innocence."
Courtney snorted, resting her head in her hand. "It's too late for that one." she growled. "My innocence was destroyed months ago. And no one could have stopped it. Only he knew it was going to happen, and he didn't want anyone to find out." she spat, bitterness seeping from her words as well as sadness.
The woman saw that their time was up now, but she wanted to see where this would lead Courtney. She was awfully close to saying something important. "He? He who?"
Courtney emitted a low growl. "My boyfriend." she immediately snapped to attention then. "But you can't tell anyone!"
The woman smiled wanly. "Of course not. Nothing you say leaves this room."
Courtney breathed a sigh of relief. "Really? That's awesome." she then slipped back into defense mode. "But don't think that means I'll tell you anything!" she warned.
The woman shrugged. "Ok." she cared to an extent, but not enough to force her to spit anything out. "It's up to you what I know."
Courtney nodded with uncertainty, still not trusting this person as much as she was sure she was supposed to. Only Gwen got that much trust. Not even mother could compare with Gwen. She wasn't entirely sure why this was so, all she knew was that it was the way things were. "Cool." she mumbled, standing.
The woman raised a brow. "Going somewhere?"
"My times up." she shrugged. "And as enlightening this has all been I don't much care for staying. Besides, mom'll be worried sick if I'm not out their on the dot." she rolled her eyes. "She'll probably think I killed myself or something." she half joked, knowing that saying such to anyone else would warrant immediate attention, and not the good kind.
The lady snorted lightly. "It's natural, especially for parents."
Courtney shook her head, crossing her arms across her chest. "Gwen doesn't do it." she informed. "She just let me go despite the danger."
The woman frowned. "Without a word?" she sounded perplexed.
Courtney sighed. "No. She went on for a while before hand, but still! Mom wouldn't have even considered letting me leave her sight afterward. What Gwen did was so selfless and I appreciated it to no end after all the unwanted guarding I had going on with everyone else."
The woman smiled. "I should imagine so." she hesitated, picking up quickly. "Now go." she half ordered. "Unless you want to say anything else."
Courtney snorted. "No thanks. Maybe some other time." she hopped over to the door, freezing with her hand on the knob as the therapists voice reached her.
"Wait!" she cried, jumping up and walking slowly to her. "Take that door." she nodded toward the door that Courtney had missed when she first scanned the room.
"Why?" Courtney said slowly.
"In case someone else is out there waiting." she chuckled nervously. "I mean...for you it wouldn't matter so much since everyone already knows, but still...it's an option." a pause. "And whoever is out there now could be from out of town. They might not know you."
Realization dawned on Courtney. "Oh!" she squeaked. "Ok." she walked over to where she was directed, taking a hold of the knob and turning it quickly. "And..." she trailed off, searching for a word to complete her thought. In the end she decided on a word which she rarely ever used in sincerity. It was logged away for deceit and being a suck-up. "...thanks..." Courtney whispered, shutting the door in a hurry to leave the establishment.
Just as Courtney expected her mother was a nervous wreck when she reached her. She was pacing back and forth outside her car murmuring words that were inaudible to all others present. What was worse was that her mother looked like she had gotten into a fight with a porcupine or some strange creature for her face was a nearly foreign being to Courtney's eyes.
"Mom...?" Courtney muttered carefully.
Her mother jumped, looking as if she might lash out until she realized who was speaking. "Oh! Honey...it's you."
"Yeah." Courtney sighed. "Look, mom...I'm sorry."
Her mother cocked her head.
"I hate that you're a wreck because of me."
Her mother started. "Oh, no! I'm fine! Really!" she lied through her teeth, flashing an equally fake smile.
Courtney rolled her eyes. "Ok mom. Let's go home then." so much for apologizing and making people feel better. Not that she tried very hard. She supposed she merely wanted to be able to go back to the therapist and say 'I at least tried'. So her acts weren't quite noble. But whatever. And, despite the guilt that flooded her when thinking of the pain she caused others, she didn't much care about 'making amends', as the therapist might call it. She was only sorry she didn't finish what she started. Did that make her a bad person? She sure hoped not.
I don't know about this one. I've never done therapy or anything so this whole scenario could be completely off base. So, if it is, don't lecture me on the fact. Cause I don't want to hear it. Things on ooc of Courtney are fine, but no saying my therapy scenario sucks! :( But I suppose constructive criticism on it is ok. Anyway, review please! :D