Winter is on my head, but eternal spring is in my heart.

Victor Hugo

Chapter four:

Mayuko yawned as she unlocked the door to the classroom. It was early, and the second coffee in her hand hadn't quite kicked in yet. Mayuko set down her bag on the desk and sat down without removing her coat. She took a sip of the coffee and yawned again. She had been up late the night before for no real reason at all—it was a terrible habit she had yet to break.

Mayuko forced herself to slip out of her coat and extract her folders from the bag in front of her. She was not a morning person, and reflected every day on the train ride into work whether or not she was self-destructive—why else would she select a profession that required her to be up at the crack of dawn?

Distantly the first warning bell rang, and Mayuko groaned inwardly. Maybe if she assigned the class to read the whole period, she could sneak in a nap.

After a few minutes, the students began to trickle in, looking tired but chatting happily with their friends. Mayuko downed the rest of the coffee, ignoring the sharp burn of the hot liquid on the roof of her mouth. The last bell rang, but it didn't deter the chatter of her students.

"All right, settle down," she said, stretching. Mayuko leaned against the front of her desk and folded her arms, pulling the sleeves of her sweater tightly around her hands. "How did the final chapters of The Woman in the Dunes go?"

A few students rubbed their eyes tiredly and fidgeted in their seats. One girl raised her hand. "I just don't understand why he would stay. I mean, through most of the book, he was basically being held prisoner, and he couldn't stand the woman."

"Do you think Junpei resigned himself to his fate to stay in the village?"

The girl shrugged. "It sounded like he had halfway through, but at the end, he had a chance to leave and he didn't take it."

Mayuko smiled wryly. "Was he brainwashed?"

A few students smirked at each other.

"Do you think that's what happened? Junpei just got so used to his prison that he couldn't comprehend leaving? I mean, he'd been there for seven years. Or do you think he made the conscious choice to stay?"

The girl spoke up again. "I think he went crazy. He worked so hard to leave, and the villagers kept finding ways to hold him prisoner. I think he just gave up and accepted it as his fate. Maybe he thought if he escaped, it would be pointless, because the village would just find him again."

Mayuko glanced once around the classroom. "Kishida, you look like you disagree."

The girl named Kishida straightened up at her name being called. "Well, he was in love with the widow, wasn't he? Junpei still wanted his old life, but he had found a new one, as weird as it was. I think Junpei thought he wanted to leave, but once the opportunity was there, he realized he didn't."

Mayuko nodded thoughtfully. "Let's talk about the sand. It's almost a character unto itself, isn't it? It's what the widow is digging up, it supports the village, it traps Junpei, and it's even what Junpei falls back on to stay sane in the village. The sand is almost a supernatural force—it's like a bond that keeps Junpei in his situation. Is the sand like a curse? Or do you think it's a blessing? Honda? What do you think?"

Tohru Honda looked startled at being called on, just as Mayuko anticipated. The girl was always so quiet in class, but her papers were startlingly thoughtful, and Mayuko made sure to worm a few comments out of Tohru at least once a week.

"I think it can be viewed both ways," she said slowly. "The sand supports the village financially, and towards the end of the book, Junpei masters a technique with the sand to stay sane. In that respect, the sand is a blessing. But on the other hand," she said, clearing her throat. "It traps Junpei in the village when he's trying so hard to get out. But I don't think the sand itself is a curse—I think it looks like one because its purpose became warped in Junpei's situation. It went from being something that was helpful to a hindrance, because it trapped Junpei in a place he tried so hard to escape from."

"So what do you make of him choosing to stay behind? Is that just part of the curse?"

Tohru bit her lip in thought. "He grew to love the woman, didn't he? I think the sand kept getting in his way of escape, but ultimately it wasn't a dictating factor. He still chose to stay for the woman."

"Do you guys think Junpei had free will in this story?" Mayuko asked, sitting on the top of her desk. She vageuly wondered whether she could leave to grab a third coffee from the staff lounge. Maybe after the first period...

A boy raised his hand. "I think so. Junpei worked so hard to escape, but he chose to stay behind. He wasn't forced to. And the woman, too—she doesn't have to shovel sand for her community, but she chose to."

"So with that sense of obligation, does it even matter that they have free will?" Mayuko asked. "Could the woman have just told her village, 'Sorry, too bad,' and walked off?"

"She could, but then the village would chase her."

Mayuko smiled at that. "The woman chose the needs of the community over her own. Would any of you dig sand all day for someone else? Shinoda, you want to be a biologist, right? Would you give that up to dig sand all day?"

Shinoda pulled a face. "Probably not."

"But what about doing it for your classmates? Your family? If it meant supporting them financially—keeping food on the table and a roof over their heads—would you do it?"

Shinoda shrugged. "I guess if it was my last option. But it would be so messed up. I mean, sand?"

"Am I safe to say that it's love for your family that would make you do that?" Mayuko asked. "So if love makes you do something as asinine as dig up sand all day, is it really worth it? I mean, if all love gets you is a job digging in the sand, is love even worth it anymore? Or does it stop being love at some point, and turn into something else?"

Surprisingly, Yuki raised his hand. Taken aback, Mayuko called on him. "Yes, Sohma?"

"I think love could get a person to do almost anything, but only if it's the giver who's making the choice. The widow chose to support her community—they didn't force her, like they did with Junpei. So that's free will and love. But Junpei was forced to do the exact same thing—and because he was forced, it wasn't love so much as a curse."

"So what do you think made him stay behind?"

Yuki shrugged. "Obligation. He was forced to do something for so long, that maybe it didn't occur to him that he could say no. He probably didn't even consider escape all too seriously towards the end. I think he settled, and just learned to live with it."

Tohru stole a glance at Yuki. For some reason, there was a strange expression on the girl's face that Mayuko couldn't quite place.

"Mayu-sensei, I have a question about the paper you want us to write," said one of the boys in the back. Mayuko took her gaze off of Tohru and turned to the student.

"You waited until the day before it's due to ask questions?" she asked wryly. "All right, Nagano, what's your question? It'll cost you fifty points."

The rest of the day seemed to pass in a sort of haze. Mayuko was vaguely aware of teaching, but her brain felt foggy and made it hard to focus. As she packed up her belongings at the end of the afternoon, Mayuko hoped she hadn't supplied her students with any false information. Mayuko was halfway off the school grounds when her cell phone went off.

"Hi mom."

"Oh, Mayu, why didn't you tell us?" came Setsu's excited voice from the other end.

"Tell you what?" Mayuko asked, frowning.

"A very handsome man just came in asking for you, Mayu! You never told us you had a boyfriend!"

Mayuko's frown deepened. "Mom, that's just Shigure—we're not dating anymore, remember? He's probably just trying to annoy me—"

"Shigure?" Setsu intoned. "No, Mayu, he said his name was Hatori."

Mayuko stopped dead in her tracks. "What?" she asked weakly.

"Hatori, dear! He was just here, asking for you! He said you loaned him a book, and he was paying you back for it."

Mayuko realized she was standing in the middle of the path, and started walking again. Her heart was beating a million times a minute, and her head felt light. "Is he still there?" she asked, having half a mind to run to the shop.

"No, no, he's left. Said he didn't have much time." Setsu sighed contentedly on the other end. "So when is the wedding?"

Mayuko grimaced. "There's no wedding, mom. Hatori-kun and I aren't even dating. He's just a friend—I know him through Kana."

"Well, Kana-chan didn't snatch him up when she had the chance, so it's up to you! Don't let such a handsome man go to waste!"

Mayuko unstuck her throat. She always had a constricted feeling in her chest whenever someone off-handedly mentioned Kana and Hatori. "Yeah, I don't think it's going to work out that way."

Setsu sighed into the phone. "Mayuko, you're killing us here. You're well past marriageable age, and you've got such a good-looking man asking for you. You'll never get an opportunity like this again!"

Mayuko pulled her coat tighter about herself as she walked down the street. "Yeah, okay, mom. I'll talk to you later, all right?"

Mayuko spent the train ride into her neighborhood brooding about Hatori. She had managed to avoid thinking about him too much lately, but now he was front and center again. She wasn't necessarily surprised that he had gone to the family store, but she was taken aback that he had actually been asking for her. Mayuko was sure it was nothing more than paying for the book she had loaned him, but she couldn't help but feel a jump in her stomach at the thought.

Shigure was right. She was worse than pathetic to still be this much in love with Hatori.

Mayuko exited the train when it stopped at her station. She wormed her way through the evening commuter crowd and walked down the dim street to her apartment. Vaguely Mayuko wondered when she would next see Hatori—now that Hatori had paid for his book, there wasn't a reason that they would run into each other again. Not unless the man decided to return to the store, and she just happened to be working.

Mayuko sighed, and wondered if it made her a crazy person to consider working the store on weekends in the hopeful event that Hatori eventually showed up.

Mayuko unlocked her apartment, slid off her shoes, and tossed her keys on the small table she kept next to the door. She made a beeline towards the kitchen, where she hung her coat on the back of one of the chairs at the breakfast bar, and dumped her bag on top. Before doing anything else, Mayuko pulled out the ingredients for dinner and got the rice-cooker going. As a child, Mayuko's mother had drilled into her the importance of cooking meals, and it was only later that Mayuko realized it was because cooking was a desirable skill in a potential wife.

Either way, Mayuko had grown fond of cooking. It was a task that was both distracting and mindless, and she enjoyed toying with the recipes to accommodate her moods. Back in college, she and Kana did a considerable amount of stress-cooking; when studying for final exams and writing papers became too much, Kana would call up Mayuko and they would cook some foreign dish that neither of them could quite pronounce.

With dinner finished, Mayuko brought her plate to the breakfast bar and extracted her lesson plans from her bag. Mayuko used to sit at a table and eat, but it started to feel lonely and pathetic after a while. Now her dining table was used as a place for storing mail, newspapers, and random objects that didn't quite have a home. By eating in the kitchen and working, Mayuko had given herself an excuse for eating alone every night.

The moment she sat down, her cell phone went off. Mayuko dug around for it in her coat pocket, expecting her mother again. When she answered it, however, she was surprised to hear Shigure's voice.

"Hello, Mayu-chan! How are things going along?"

"Shigure?" Mayuko said incredulously. "What do you want?" She was so surprised to hear from Shigure that she didn't bother worrying about how rude her tone sounded.

"My, my, Mayuko, are you always so abrupt with people?" Shigure teased.

Mayuko rolled her eyes. "Only with my ex-boyfriend."

"Ouch," said Shigure, not sounding hurt in the slightest. "Anyway, I'm calling to inform you that I will need you to be at the bookstore on Saturday. I don't know the exact time, so if you could arrange to be there all afternoon, that would be perfect."

Mayuko paused, immediately suspicious. "What on earth for?"

"Well, the forecast says heavy rain on Saturday, so I can't very well walk to the store, can I? I will have to have Haa-san drive me—"

"Shigure, don't—"

"—because I have a deadline coming up, and I'm going to need some research materials. It'll all be very last minute, so if you could pretend you and I never had this conversation, that would be even better."

Mayuko sighed. "Shigure, why do you do crap like this? You're making my life so difficult—"

"Difficult? Ne, I think I'm doing you some good, Mayu-chan," said Shigure dismissively. "Let me guess—you're eating dinner alone in your kitchen, going over essays or something?"

Mayuko looked down at the lone dinner and the folders on the counter. "No, of course I'm not," she said defensively.

"Haa-san is going to need a firm, heavy push in the right direction, Mayu-chan," said Shigure, sounding extremely satisfied with himself. "You're going to have to put up with my machinations if you want Haa-san. And you'll have to do whatever I ask to ensure that the fateful lovers meet up again."

Mayuko's temper flared. "You really are enjoying this, aren't you?"

"I owe it to Ha'ri, but yes—I figured I should have some fun! You know, with it being Haa-san and all, it might take five or ten years to get him to warm up. But you've persisted in loving him this long, haven't you? It should be no trouble at all—"

Mayuko's patience broke. "Shut up! Don't you ever call me again!" she snapped. She hung up the phone and had an urge to throw it, but knew it wouldn't do her any good. Instead, she took a deep breath and exhaled heavily, slumping into her chair. As irritated as she was with Shigure, Mayuko couldn't deny that a part of her was elated at the prospect of seeing Hatori again.

Mayuko sighed heavily, rubbing her eyes. She really was pathetic. Who else in their right mind would go along with Shigure's insane schemes?

Come Saturday, Mayuko went to the bookstore just as Shigure had asked. She volunteered to man the register while her parents counted stock in the back room—this way she could catch Hatori and Shigure before her parents said anything too embarrassing. Of course, working the shop also forced Mayuko to go over the week's essays, as she didn't have much else to do. The poor weather was deterring much of the crowd.

A little past noon, the front door opened for the first time in over two hours, and Mayuko looked up to see an animated Shigure talking with Hatori.

"Ah, Mayu-chan! So you're moonlighting again today, are you?" Shigure asked pleasantly, walking towards the counter.

Mayuko's grip tightened on the pen she was using to grade. "It's hardly moonlighting if I'm being forced into it," she said calmly.

Shigure gave her a wink that went unnoticed by Hatori. "Well, I need some research materials. What have you got on Renaissance Europe?"

"Well, that's a really broad category," said Mayuko, tapping the pen against the papers in her lap. "Are you looking for literature, or do you want more of a history?"

"You know, I should probably get both," said Shigure thoughtfully, tapping a finger against his chin. "I like to be thorough."

Mayuko set down her essay and stood up. "Well, history will probably cover most of your bases," she said, trying to keep her tone neutral and business-like when she would have preferred to turn around and strangle Shigure. "Here, I'll show you—"

"Ne, I can find it myself, Mayu-chan," said Shigure pleasantly. "I'll just be a moment, Haa-san!" he called over his shoulder as he disappeared between the shelves.

Hatori sighed, and Mayuko turned to him, just realizing that they were left alone at the front of the shop. Shigure did this on purpose, Mayuko thought darkly.

"So Shigure managed to drag you out of the estate, huh?" Mayuko asked.

"Yes, he claimed he had a deadline sneak up on him," said Hatori, hands in his pockets. "Though I'm not sure if I believe him. I imagine he's avoiding his editor and was just too lazy to pay for a taxi to take him into town."

"Yeah, that sounds like something he would do," said Mayuko, rolling her eyes. She tapped her fingers against the counter, then said conversationally, "What did you think of the book?"

"Oh, the one you recommended? I did like it," said Hatori. "though I admit I haven't finished it yet. I don't have too much spare time."

"Well, if you ever need future recommendations, I can always find you something," said Mayuko. "I know you prefer old literature, and we tend to get new shipments in about every three weeks—"

"Oh, Shigure-san! I didn't hear you come in!" came Setsu's voice from the back of the shop. Mayuko smacked her forehead with the palm of her hand.

"Yes, I'm just getting some research for my newest book."

"Mayu, where are you?" Setsu called loudly. Mayuko sighed. "You're not on your lunch break, are you? You shouldn't make Shigure-san look all by himself!" Setsu suddenly appeared from behind a shelf with a box of books in her arms. She stopped dead when she saw Hatori and Mayuko, and her face split into a wide grin. "Oh! Hatori-san, wasn't it? I'm pleased to see you back so soon!"

Mayuko could feel her cheeks burn. "I'll take those, Mom," she said firmly, taking the box from her mother. "Does Dad need your help in the back?" she asked pointedly.

Setsu ignored her. "How are you? Can I have Mayu help you find anything?"

"I'm fine, thank you," said Hatori. "I came with Shigure."

"Mayu, why don't I watch the register for a while?" Setsu offered, not bothering to mask the pleasure in her voice. "You haven't eaten lunch yet, have you? Why don't you take Hatori-san with you so he's not waiting around here?"

"Yes, I think I'm going to be a while," added Shigure, walking up to the counter with a few books in his hands. "There's no sense in the two of you waiting around on my account! Setsu-san, could you make a recommendation? I'm stuck between these three—"

Mayuko opened her mouth to speak, but no words formed. She quickly set the box of books on the counter and glanced once at Hatori before turning back to her mother. "Mom, I—"

"Nonsense, Mayuko, go on!" she said dismissively, leading Shigure back to the history section.

Realizing she lost, Mayuko turned back to Hatori in embarrassment. Would he even want to eat with her? Mayuko was sure Hatori was very busy, and would much rather be somewhere else.

"Well, knowing Shigure, they'll probably be a while," said Hatori. "Are you hungry?"

Mayuko cleared her throat. "Erm—that is…well, I haven't eaten yet, but don't feel obligated to go or anything. My mom's just being—"

"I haven't eaten, either," said Hatori, offering the faintest reassuring smile. Mayuko felt her heart melt.

"Okay, let me just grab my coat," said Mayuko weakly, reaching behind the counter for her things.

Silently they exited the shop and walked down the street towards Hatori's car. Mayuko pulled her coat tightly around herself, wondering what to say. She had gotten to know Hatori pretty well when he had been with Kana, but that was over two years ago—it was almost like they were strangers again.

Hatori pulled out his keys and pointed them at a dark sedan. The lights flashed to signal that it was unlocked. Mayuko peered in the window to figure out which side was hers.

"It's a western car," said Hatori, opening the door for her.

Mayuko could feel herself blushing, and hoped Hatori hadn't noticed. "Thanks."

Hatori got inside and started up the engine. He turned on the heat and clicked his seatbelt. "You can adjust the heater if it's too hot or cold," he offered, looking over his shoulder before pulling into traffic.

"Oh. Okay."

They drove in silence for several minutes. Mayuko fidgeted, absently wringing her hands in her lap. She couldn't believe she was this close to Hatori—she was actually sitting in his car, only inches from him, and they were going out to eat! As they drove, Mayuko wondered what to say. Was the silence awkward for Hatori? But he wasn't really a talkative person, so maybe he didn't mind…

"Is teishoku-ya fine?" Hatori asked as he parked the car. "I didn't ask."

"Yes, that's fine," said Mayuko quickly, looking out the window at the restaurant.

They were still silent when they sat down at their table and it wasn't until they had ordered their food that Mayuko spoke up. "You know, I've passed this place at least a hundred times, but I've never come inside."

"I've only been here a handful of times," said Hatori. "I don't usually eat out, but sometimes if I have Momiji with me, we'll come here."

"Momiji?"

"Oh, sorry—he's a relative of mine. He's a year younger than Yuki and the others, though you wouldn't guess it by looking at him. Most people think he's still in elementary school."

"Hmm. I didn't picture you as the baby-sitting type," Mayuko mused. She smiled at the mental image of Hatori trying to entertain a teenager.

Hatori shrugged at that. "Yes, I suppose it does look strange. Momiji's parents aren't around, so I try to do what I can when I have time."

Mayuko dropped her gaze to her teacup, suddenly feeling like she had just found out something very private about Hatori. "Sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

Mayuko felt embarrassed. "I don't know—I guess I just feel like I'm prying or something. It's probably none of my business."

"You're not prying," said Hatori flatly. "I volunteered the information."

Mayuko looked up at Hatori. His tone and expression were sober, as usual. If Mayuko didn't know better, she wouldn't have been able to tell that Hatori was trying to reassure her.

"Is something funny?"

Mayuko started, realizing she had been smiling. She shrugged. "You're always so serious, Hatori-kun." Then she added, teasingly, "If I didn't know you better, I would almost think you were scary."

"That's what Shigure and Ayame tell me," said Hatori, a slightly puzzled expression on his face as he took a sip of his tea. "I don't mean to come off that way."

Mayuko's smile widened. "But I suppose it can't hurt, can it? You can frighten all your patients into behaving and doing as they're told."

Hatori smiled that ghost of a smile at that. "It doesn't matter what I do, they never listen to me. Patients always somehow think they know better than their doctor."

"You should hear some of the excuses my students give me," said Mayuko, rolling her eyes. "If they put half as much effort into their homework as they do into their elaborate excuses… For the last essay I assigned, one student gave me this impressive story about how his essay slipped under the train and was shredded to pieces the morning it was due. Unfortunately for him, I know for a fact that he doesn't take the train to school."

"I was never any good at lying," said Hatori, taking a sip of his tea. "Maybe that's why I always did my homework in school. Ayame and Shigure, though—they got away with just about everything. Ayame, especially—the teachers all liked him. I think they felt guilty whenever they tried to rein him in a bit. I think they all hoped that I would keep him in line."

"You know, Shigure and Ayame are so different from you," said Mayuko, looking into her tea cup. "Well, I guess Shigure can be serious when he wants to," she relented. "But Ayame—I could hardly keep up with him. How did you guys become friends, exactly?"

"Ayame can be serious, but he just chooses not to," said Hatori. "And he and Shigure goad each other into progressively more outrageous behavior. I know some members of our family say I'm their babysitter." Hatori took a deep breath and shrugged. "But we grew up together; we've known each other since we could walk. I suppose you could say we're like brothers. Of course, they like to play games with my patience whenever they can." Hatori shook his head at some distant memory. He gave a small sigh, then added, "I know what those two look like on the outside—but they really are good friends." He paused, then added hastily, "Don't tell either of them that I've said that."

"Really?" Mayuko teased. "You don't want them to know that you actually like them? Relax," she added at the look on Hatori's face. "I won't say anything. Shigure's head is big enough as it is," said Mayuko, rubbing her temple. "They would never let you live it down."

The rest of the meal passed pleasantly. Mayuko felt awkward around Hatori at first, but once food was put on the table between them, conversation became easier. At first Mayuko worried that she was doing most of the talking, but Hatori was always a quiet person and he didn't seem to mind. Occasionally he would give that faint shadow of a smile at something Mayuko said, but it was always so fleeting. Mayuko soon found herself telling Hatori stories of her students just to try to get him to smile.

When they returned to the bookstore, they found Shigure and Setsu chatting happily at the front register.

"Back so soon?" Setsu asked when the door opened, a smile playing around her lips.

Mayuko frowned. "We were gone an hour."

"Hey, Haa-san, check this out—" said Shigure, grabbing Hatori by his arm and leading him toward a nearby shelf. He plucked a book off and showed it to him. "Our dear Mayu-chan carries my books!"

"What?" said Mayuko, snatching the book from Shigure's hands to look at it. "How many pen names do you have?" she asked, shoving the book back at him. "I thought I had gotten rid of all yours around here."

"Nope," said Shigure happily, gently re-shelving his book.. "A good author has at least a dozen—"

Mayuko rolled her eyes. "Well, I'll make sure to burn all of those copies, then."

"Hatori-san," said Setsu pleasantly, completely ignoring her daughter's obvious discomfort. "May I ask how you know Shiugre-san?"

"We're best friends," Shigure chimed in, slinging an arm over Hatori's shoulders. "We've known each other since we were kids!"

"We're cousins," said Hatori flatly, shrugging out from under Shigure. "So there's no getting rid of him."

"Now, now, you'll make her think you only came with me today because I tricked you into it," said Shigure. He wagged a finger at Hatori, whose expression said that's clearly what had happened. "Well, we should be heading back. Can't stay out too long when there's work to be done, right?"

"I'll look forward to your next visit, Shigure-san," said Setsu, beaming. "And do bring Hatori-san with you again!"

"Shigure's right," said Mayuko quickly, pushing the two men towards the door. "You both have lots of work to do, so you should get going! You're both very busy, so go now. Go!"

"Oh, Mayu-chan, don't be embarrassed that your parents wish you and I had never broken up!" said Shigure just before Mayuko slammed the door shut on him.

"You shouldn't antagonize her, Shigure…" came Hatori's voice from the other side.

Mayuko turned to her mother. "All right—well, we should get back to work, too—"

"How was lunch, dear?" Setsu asked happily. "Do you think Hatori-san might propose soon?"

"Mom!"

Setsu pressed a hand against her cheek. "Mayu, you can hardly blame your poor mother. You're past marriageable age, and you keep letting prospects slip by—"

"Shigure's hardly a prospect," muttered Mayuko darkly, slipping her coat off and draping it over the back of the chair. She sat down heavily and picked up her essays. After a moment, she looked up and realized that her mother was still watching her with a funny sort of half-smile on her face. "What?"

"Oh, nothing," said Setsu vaguely, drifting towards the back of the shop.