Chapter Three
A Chaotic Beginning
The plains of Rohan vanished instantly. Then, for a moment, everything became muddled. The next thing Aragorn knew was that there was a soft green light coming down on him from above, and darkness below. He didn't seem to be standing on anything, or sitting, or lying. Nothing appeared to be touching him. "I believe I'm in water," said Aragorn. "Or under water." This frightened him for a second, but almost at once he could feel that he was rushing upward. Then his head suddenly came out into the air and he found himself scrambling ashore, out on to smooth grassy ground at the edge of a pool
As he rose to his feet he noticed that he was neither dripping nor panting for breath as anyone would expect after being under water. His clothes were perfectly dry. He was standing by the edge of a small pool, which was not more than ten feet from side to side, in a wood. The trees grew close together and were so leafy that he could get no glimpse of the sky. All the light was green light that came through the leaves: but there must have been a very strong sun overhead, for this green daylight was bright and warm. It was the quietest wood you could possibly imagine. There were no birds, no insects, no animals, and no wind. You could almost feel the trees growing. The pool he had just gotten out of was not the only pool. There were dozens of others, a pool every few yards as far as his eyes could reach. You could almost feel the trees drinking the water up with their roots. This wood was very much alive.
Looking about, Viggo (I mean Aragorn) found himself very much alone, and decided to stretch out and have a bit of a nap. This may have seemed silly, but one must keep in mind that Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli had been running nonstop for the past two days on their desperate pursuit of Merry and Pippin, eating nothing but stale lembas from the Elves, and only stopping when Gimli would pause to puke.
He closed his eyes, preparing to slip away from reality and into a tantalizing dream of Arwen, when all of a sudden he felt a tongue on his mouth.
"Brego!" yelled Aragorn, pushing the grand chestnut stallion away from him. "I told you no more kissies! Besides, that part doesn't come until later in the movie. Don't ruin it for everybody."
Brego snorted and clopped away in search of greener grass, which he prudently found on the other side.
Gandalf watched with satisfaction as Aragorn crawled out of the pool. He chuckled when the horse Brego bestowed it's decidedly European kiss on the future king. Within seconds, other heroic characters began splashing out of the pools.
Merry and Pippin emerged lying atop an Uruk-hai. Sam appeared attempting to wrench Gollum's long fingers off Frodo's neck. Drizzt looked puzzled as he gripped an emblem of Mielikki. Innovindil screamed and leapt back into the pool, where she slipped her robe back on. Legolas seemed to be busily brushing vomit out of Gimli's beard. Roran, Saphira, Eragon, and the crispy remains of a partridge were thrown out of yet another pool.
"Welcome!" greeted Gandalf, but was interrupted by the emergence of Arya, primly powdering her nose. Eragon perked up a bit. Gandalf cleared his throat and began again; "Welcome!" he cried, but was interrupted yet again by Bruenor and Wulfgar, engaged in a fierce arm-wrestling match. Gandalf tapped his foot irritably because nobody was paying any attention to him as they gossiped amongst themselves, and because he kept getting cut off by new arrivals. He threw his arms out wide, brilliant white light bursting forth from his robes. He hated using the old shining light trick because it was so cheesy, and it was hard to find light bulbs of that wattage in large quantities at Wal-Mart, and it was hard to conceal all of the said light bulbs in his pockets without breaking them whenever he sat down. However, it seemed to work; the din settled down. "Welcome, one and all," said Gandalf huffily, feeling a bit winded. "I suppose you're wondering why you're all here…"
"It's Saruman!" shouted Aragorn, drawing his sword. "Kill him!"
"It's who?" asked Eragon, bewildered.
"What are you talking about?" demanded Drizzt.
"I am not," said Gandalf crossly.
"Yes you are!" insisted Aragorn. "Don't speak, wizard! I'll not have your spell on me."
"What are you guys talking about?" asked Eragon.
"Where are we?" wondered Drizzt.
"I've already spoken, so I could've put a spell on you if I wanted," said Gandalf. "Now listen to me, really. I've got something you've got to hear."
"No! Legolas! Get him!"
"Hold on, good elf," said Gandalf hastily. "There's no need for HEY!"
An arrow thudded into his ivory staff that he was holding in front of him. Legolas cursed profusely in Elvish, his bottom lip quivering dangerously. "Sorry, Aragorn. I missed."
"It's all right, Legolas," consoled Aragorn, patting Legolas on the back as the elf collapsed to the ground in tears.
"B-b-b-but I never miss!" wailed Legolas. "Watch the movies. I never miss once! Stupid wizard; I hate him." He threw his bow onto the ground in a tantrum.
"There now, look what you've done," accused Aragorn, brandishing his sword at Gandalf. "You've gone and made him cry, you monster."
"Now see here," said Gandalf, rather distressed, but getting very angry that his plan wasn't going according to plan, "he's the one that shot at me. It's not my fault he poked a hole in my staff. Now listen. I'm Gandalf, not Saruman."
"Gandalf's dead," said Aragorn.
"No he's not. I mean, no I'm not. Well, I was, but now I'm alive."
"Bull."
"No, really. See, I was fighting the balrog. We fell down that big hole, see, and we splashed into this big black pool. Then the coward ran and climbed up the durned mountain. Well, I chased him and whupped his butt. But, being seven thousand years old, I had a heart attack and died out of sheer exuberance. Then the Valar told me to get my old, wrinkled butt back to Middle-Earth and take care of business. Now this is where I deviate from what Tolkien wrote and go into what the MAGNIFICENT, ILLUSTRIOUS, SUPREME, OMNISCENT, ALL-POWERFUL, MASTER OF THE ARTS DROW ELF writes."
"Would someone please tell me what's going on?" pleaded Eragon.
"Sure, I'll tell you, young man," said Gandalf, pleased. "Now here's the deal…"
But he was interrupted by the arrival of Thibbledorf Pwent.