*********AUTHOR'S NOTE*********
Thanks again to everyone who's reviewed or is following this! I've read fanfic for a long time but never posted one before, and it is amazing how encouraging those words of appreciation are.
Well, in order to get to the Wesley/Buffy goodness, (which I'm hoping to develop over the course of several chapters,) we have to clear some of the air on Spike. The good stuff is coming, I promise!
Again, the standard fanfic disclaimer: I am merely a fan, not in any sense an owner, of these characters. Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own it all, and much love to them both. Now on to the story!
CHAPTER 3
Late the following morning, Buffy awoke and didn't remember where she was or how she had gotten there. The moment of panic quickly subsided and was replaced by the sense of a heavy weight descending upon her chest when she remembered the events of the day before. Spike, she thought, tears already threatening in her eyes just at the thought of the name, I miss you. I miss you so much already.
A soft knock at the door interrupted her imminent breakdown. Brushing at her eyes and trying to straighten her hair, she let her visitor in. It turned out to be Dawn, who looked at her sister apprehensively. "Hi Buffy," she said softly, sitting down on the edge of the bed. She seemed to be trying to think of something to say. "Uh, just wanted to be sure you didn't sleep the entire day away. There's still a little breakfast left downstairs, if you hustle. Xander, Willow and Giles didn't want to talk plans until you were up, so you're not missing much if you'd rather stay in bed." She paused. "I'd understand if you wanted to stay up here for a while."
Buffy smiled at her sister through her wet eyes. She knew that Dawn was still angry about what she had heard from Xander about the... incident… in her bathroom the previous year. Xander and his big mouth, Buffy thought bitterly. She had hoped that nobody, especially Dawn, would ever hear about that. It had it wasn't quite as simple as black and white, consent and force. Everything between her and Spike had always been shades of grey, in fact it had been one of the hallmarks of all of their previous sexual activities: no safe words and poorly defined limits that both of them constantly tested. It didn't make what he had done okay, (Not by a long shot,) but she remembered the horrified look on his face when he had realized that she was serious about her refusal that night and that what he had done was a violation. And then he had run off to Africa the very next day to win back his soul.
He had fought her at first, the only competitor she'd ever had who had been truly an equal match for her strength. After joining the Scooby side he had frequently been a source of aggravation and miscommunication, but he had also been a source of comfort and quiet strength to her during her darkest times. And now he was gone in a crater that contained the remains of what had been her home along with her mother's grave...
A tear rolled down Buffy's cheek, and she buried her face in her hands. Dawn pulled her sister into her arms and merely held her, stroking her hair, waiting for her to talk. "Dawn," she said feebly, "Dawnie, I miss him so much! I really did love him, even though it's confusing, it was never simple… And there were moments that neither of us were proud of. But I really, truly did love Spike." She paused and took a shaky breath. "He was always there. I was so used to him being around! I guess I just assumed that he was always going to be there, you know? Teasing me with that smirk of his, or pointing out the flaws in my less-than-perfect plans. Maybe holding me when I slept, I don't know, at the end it started seeming like a possibility again. And now, now I have NO plans and NO smirking and no one to hold me at night and it's all been swallowed up in a hole and..." She broke down, weeping openly.
"Buffy, shhhhh, it's okay! I know it's not what you want to hear, but you'll meet someone else, eventually. Maybe someone human, normal even! Someone who will really understand you."
Buffy forced a smile and looked her in the eyes, determined to set the record straight once and for all. Everything seems so clear now… "No, Dawnie. That was Angel's dream for me, probably Xander's too, that I would find some nice human boy and we'd do the house in the suburbs with the white picket fence. But really, honestly, that's not my dream. It can't ever be. I mean, how could an average guy on the streets understand what I've been through? Do you think he would understand being called to this life, if you can call it a life, at age 15, killing demons and, oh yeah, occasionally saving the world from time to time? Even Riley's ego couldn't handle it, and he already knew the back story. And slaying isn't something you can exactly give up, like smoking or carbs." She sniffed and rubbed her eyes and cheeks, feeling older than her years. "Dawn," she said as she straightened up and took her sister's hands in hers, "I'm never going to be able to have normal. I'd never be able to DO normal. How can I when I don't even understand it? I mean, can you imagine me having a kid? Every time I even think about it, which isn't often, I think about what happened to Principal Wood's Slayer mom, how he was left to fend for himself when she died. I can't do that to a child. This has been my reality for so long, there's no going back. Spike was right. He was right about a lot of things. And Dawn," she saw her sister starting to scoff and look away, and pulled her chin around so she could look her in the eyes again, "what happened between Spike and me last year," she shuddered slightly at the thought, "was… awful, but it was born out of a lot of angst, and misunderstanding, and our own crazy history. This isn't the victim defending her attacker; this is me being honest with you because there were lots of good times and I really don't want you remembering him that way. Think about him teaching you to play poker in his crypt, or guarding your identity with his life when he had been captured by Glory. He loved you like an adopted sister, Dawnie. I've made my peace with that night and forgiven him, and it would help if you would, too."
Dawn's face crumpled as her eyes teared up. "Okay, Buffy. Okay," She laughed ironically and looked up to the ceiling. "I had actually really missed him this whole year, didn't talk to him because I was angry… But that summer after Glory when you… uh…"
Buffy nodded sadly. "When I was dead. You can say that, too."
"Right, when you… died… He actually listened. He was the only one of the gang who treated me like an adult. I appreciated that." Dawn sighed again. "But I never said so, so I guess he died thinking I hated him, but I didn't, I didn't…" she trailed off, her voice cracking.
Now it was Buffy's turn to play comforter, and she held Dawn tightly to soothe her. "He knew, Dawnie, he knew. You had a lot to figure out. He knew."
They sat there in a comfortable silence for a few minutes more before Dawn remembered why she had come to Buffy's room in the first place. "Okay," she sniffed, "enough of the weepies for today." She brushed her tears away and resolved her face into a businesslike expression that made Buffy smile, seeing her little sister all grown-up and mature. "Buffy, get showered, brush your hair... Fred loaned us some of her clothes. They fit me just right so they'll probably be long on you, but that's okay. We'll get you some food, assuming there's any left, and then we can go shopping. If you ever make it out of bed!" Buffy smiled and tickled Dawn's sides until Dawn jumped up laughing and headed for the door. "I'll go threaten bodily harm to any rogue Slayers who try to polish off the leftovers from breakfast!" The door closed behind her, and Buffy got out of bed feeling like a little of the weight had been lifted from her heart.
*************AUTHOR'S NOTE***********
Okay, the infamous Bathroom Scene… I tried to get around talking about it in this chapter, but couldn't have Dawn and Buffy have a serious conversation about Spike without bringing it up. It seemed natural in the wake of Spike's death, with the world saved and time to actually talk to each other again, that it would eventually come up and Buffy would have to at least give her the Cliff's Notes.
This is my version of what might have been going on in Buffy's head after Seeing Red and through the end of the series when she was back to spending her nights with Spike. I think it was pretty clear by the last few episodes that she had, guardedly, forgiven him, so I tried to work backwards from that. I am NOT trying to excuse Spike's actions in that scene, but I did always think that that whole incident was borne out of the violence that had always characterized their relationship throughout the series. Dawn and Buffy might have a deeper discussion about it later, but I haven't decided yet. I really don't want to focus on Spike, (especially on all of the season six drama,) in a fic about Wesley. We'll see.
Anyways, on to the next chapter! I'm posting two at once because I wouldn't want to leave things on a sour note, especially after such a long time without an update.