Garet's Crack Stories
By Joker's Specter
Special thanks to Dracobolt who helped with the title of this particular story, as well as a few ideas. For the sake of this story, I have used "Jerra" as Garet's last name, even though I know that's not accurate.
-Joker
Disclaimer: Golden Sun is owned by Nintendo and Camelot.
"Who here likes scary stories?" Garet asked as he shot a dark look around his young audience. A few hands sprang up immediately from the kids, followed by a couple of hesitant hands.
Garet grinned. "Awesome! Brave kids, haha, this should be fun!" He stood up and began walking around the campfire, taking his time to look at each kid. "So, did you all know that once, not too long ago, the living dead roamed through Vale? In fact...some of them still exist to this day."
One of the little girls gasped and looked over her shoulder. Her action prompted several other children to do the same.
"Yep! Some walked lazily through this very area, dragging their feet...eyes cold and dead, showing no emotion whatsoever." Garet adopted a low, spooky voice for his next line. "Some say they still wander through here on the darkest of nights..."
A kid interrupted, saying, "No, that's just my dad they see. He's an 'alca-ma-hol'." He said the last word with difficulty.
Garet ceased his slow pacing and returned to his regular voice. "Brat, interruptions like that can ruin the story. And it's 'alcoholic'."
"Yeah, that!"
Sighing, Garet plopped down on his log. "Well, anyway kids, the next story is one of my favorites. Before tonight, I had amazing powers. I've had them taken away since th--, I mean, I've lost them since then. I wish I could show them to you, but you'll just have to take my word for it. See, kids...some time ago... I was a Necromancer!"
!-I Was a Teenage Necromancer-!
"Let's see..." Garet ran his fingers through a row of books, naming off one every now and then. "Nancy and The Banana... Narcolepsy for Dummies... Nat Sat on Pat. Uh-uh." He quickened his pace. "Neb and The Banana? Bananas, yeesh, authors these days..." He shook his head and kept moving, dragging his fingers across the somewhat dusty books in the "N" section of the Vale library.
Suddenly, the word he was looking for caught his eye. "Ah ha! Necromancy!" Garet grinned brightly as he pulled the heavy leather book from its spot. He walked proudly to the front desk of the library and checked the book out. Even the librarian's look of concern over the book he was checking out didn't bother him. He was on top of the world, and had a mission to complete.
"Thanks!" He said to the old lady as she handed him back the book. "Don't worry, I'll get the book back in one piece," he added, thinking that that's why she had a worried expression.
Humming to himself, the large Mars Adept walked at a brisk pace to his home. He looked up at the sun, taking note that it hadn't been long since he left. "Good, they're probably not home yet." He quickened his speed just in case, leaping over rocks and dodging trees with ease as he took a shortcut.
Upon reaching his house, he looked all around the area for signs of his family. Once he was certain nobody was home, he walked inside, locked the door, and ran up to his and Aaron's bedroom. Inside the bedroom, Garet slammed the door shut behind him and moved to his bed. Reaching underneath the bed he pulled out a box, and then proceeded to dump a very dead hamster onto the ground in front of him.
"Okay you little rodent. Let's see what this book can do to you before Aaron gets home and finds out I accidentally killed you," said a determined Garet. He momentarily thought back to how the tragic death came to pass--about how he created a miniature amusement park for Aaron's hamster, including a roller coaster. Also about how the roller coaster derailed, and...
Garet shook his head; he had to focus on the task at hand. He flipped open the book. "Alright fuzz-face," he murmured, thumbing through the pages. "Let's get those cute whiskers twitching again."
Ten minutes later, Garet was waving his hand in front of the deceased hamster's face and citing a phrase from the book. The hamster, which had been placed on its back, was completely still with its eyes closed. The phrase was supposed to bring whatever being that was within a short radius back to life. "This is ridiculous," Garet said to himself as he repeated the phrase over and over again. "It's not even working... Argh, Mom's going to kill me!" He tried one more time, then dropped his hand. After thinking about it for a moment, he tried again; it was worth trying all day if it would help him stay out of trouble.
Suddenly, beyond all reasoning, and much to Garet's surprise, the hamster's eyes popped open. The little animal's legs waved around the air in a sickeningly cute manner until it flipped itself off of its back. Garet, who was sitting cross-legged, yelped and fell backwards. He started to crawl away as fast as he could while keeping his eyes glued to the hamster.
After a short pause, Garet stood up. "No way!" he exclaimed, watching the hamster scurry slowly around a small area on the floor. "That's so awesome!"
Unable to contain his smile, he went to pick up the hamster. "No more theme parks for you, okay?" he said. He'd avoided being in trouble! Aaron would have his hamster back, and everything would be just fine.
"Geez, you're freezing. I'd help heat you up, but I'll just leave you alone for now. I'd better not push my luck with you," said the overjoyed Mars Adept. He placed the hamster in its cage, put his hands on his hips, and nodded. The animal wandered around its cage lazily, inspecting everything.
That's when Garet's thoughts turned back to the book, and his smile disappeared. He turned his head and looked at the black, leathery book still open on the floor. Its faded yellow pages seemed to call him, giving him ideas. Beautiful, wonderful ideas he had never dreamed of being possible. It had worked once, after all. It should work again, as often as he wanted. His smile immediately returned with full force as he strode up to the book, grabbed it, and walked outside to his yard.
!-L- -O- -U- -I- -S-!
!-C- -R- -E- -E- -D-!
"I still don't think Garet would like it, Mom. He doesn't wear ties," Kay said as she, her parents, grandparents, and Aaron all approached their house. Garet had opted to stay home from their monthly trip to go shopping as a family together, much to his mother's irritation. She had been trying for weeks to get Garet to dress nicer, or at the very least to add one nice outfit to his wardrobe.
"Well, if he doesn't want his mother to do his shopping for him, then he should have come along," explained Mrs. Jerra.
Aaron, who had been playing with a stick, tossed it to the side when they reached the front door. "Why did you get me a tie? I don't want to dress up."
Kay opened the door and moved inside, eager to put the bags she carried down on a counter. What she didn't expect was a cat to be in the way. More out of surprise than actual force, she stumbled forward. Her hands went out to catch herself on the floor as a scream escaped from her mouth, and her bags and the contents inside scattered everywhere.
"Kay! Are you okay?" asked Aaron running in after her. The rest of the family wasn't far behind.
What they saw was like a slap to the face. They could only stare, dumbstruck at the scene before them.
"Hey! Welcome home everyone!" Garet said happily from a chair. In his arms he held a very ill-looking dog. The dog's eyes were cold and red, and showed no emotion as Garet scratched behind its ears. Most of its body was in a state that would make anybody else drop the dog and back away. Suddenly, Garet's smile was replaced with a scowl. "Mom! Dad! You told me Pete ran away! How come he was buried in the backyard?!" he inquired angrily, motioning to the dog in his lap.
But they didn't even hear Garet. All around the room, various decomposed cats, dogs and rodents were wandering around aimlessly. They all seemed listless, and most looked like they shouldn't even be alive, let alone moving around a living room. There was even a decomposing fish inside a clear vase on the table, swimming very slowly and bumping into the sides of the container.
Garet's mom screamed. That prompted Kay and Aaron to scream, and soon everyone was yelling and cursing in surprise and horror. Aaron bolted outside, slamming the door behind him in fright. Mr. Jerra ran to the kitchen to grab a knife while Kay struggled to get to her feet, covering her mouth. Her eyes were wide open as she watched the cat that she tripped over walk up to her, look up, and let out a rough, yet still cute, "Mew."
Garet's smile appeared again momentarily. "Look Kay! It's Mary. Remember her? She was yours!"
Then Kay fainted. Garet's grandfather caught her and pulled her back towards the door as the cat turned around and walked away on thin legs.
"GARET! WHAT DID YOU DO?!" screamed Mrs. Jerra.
"Hey, I asked you a question first!" Garet replied, folding his arms. He was a little confused at their reactions. He loved having his old pets back. How come they didn't?
Pete jumped from his lap and walked on shaky legs up to the rest of the Jerra's. Before he could reach them, however, Mr. Jerra jumped in the way and held his knife up.
Garet leaped to his feet. "Hey! I just got finished reviving him! Don't do that!"
"He's dead, Garet!" Garet's grandfather exclaimed loudly.
Waving his hand as if dismissing the remark, Garet said, "Oh, that. You get used to the smell."
"Garet!" Mr. Jerra yelled. "This isn't a joke! We have dead animals in our house!"
"Awww, but Daaad!" Garet whined. "They're so cute!" He proceeded to bend down and pick up a very dead-looking squirrel. "Look, see? Remember Carl? My first pet ever!"
"He doesn't have any eyes!" Mr. Jerra exclaimed, getting very upset at the fact that Garet couldn't see why it was wrong.
Garet sighed. "Yeah, I tried finding them, but they were gone. Maybe I can put some fake ones in there so it looks better," he said, prodding the squirrel softly. The squirrel fell over on his hand, then climbed lazily back up into a standing position. "We'll need some for Great Grandma, too."
"That's it Garet! Get these...these...zombie animals out! Out!" shouted Mr. Jerra as he walked back to hold a sobbing Mrs. Jerra. Then, his head snapped back towards Garet. "Wait, what did you say?"
Finally seeing that he made a big mistake, Garet shuffled his feet nervously and said, "Well... I sort've may have revived Great Grandma, too...she's upstairs. I wanted to see her again!"
Garet's grandfather's eyes went wide. "Mother...?"
Biting his lip, Garet added, "And...I sort've, might've, probably revived everyone in the cemetery, too. 'Cause when I revived her, it revived everyone else. So...yeah."
As if on cue, there was a scream from outside, followed by someone shouting, "Zombies! Help!"
Everyone stared hard at Garet as the moans of the undead could be heard outside, approaching the house. Garet backed up while looking as innocent as he possibly could, and said, "Er...whoops?"
!-L- -O- -U- -I- -S-!
!-C- -R- -E- -E- -D-!
Vale was in a state of pure terror. At least, in a sense. The zombies weren't exactly doing what was expected of them.
"Y-you're...you're dead! You've been dead for years!" exclaimed the Blacksmith.
"I can't believe it son," said the zombie from across the counter. He looked around the store with his pale, soulless eyes and put his hands firmly on his hips. "I thought I was leaving the store in good hands. This place is miserable! Sticks? You're selling sticks?! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned folded steel?!"
Several buildings away at the Inn, a few zombies were standing at the counter and attempting to talk the terrified inn-keeper into giving them some rooms because they were bored of sleeping in the dirt. Upon realizing they had no money, the zombies simply turned and wandered aimlessly around the room.
More shouts could be heard outside the Inn. "What is going on here?!" an aged female zombie shouted, walking hastily towards an elderly man and his wife. "What ever happened to me being your 'one true love'?! I'm dead for 20 years and I wake up to see this?!"
The man's eyes practically shot out of his head. "P-Petunia?!"
The zombie wrenched a ring off of her hand--taking the finger it was attached to with it--and threw it at the man's feet. "I can't believe you'd do this to me after promising I'd be your one and only! I want a divorce!" she sobbed.
Not ten feet away, two zombies were in what appeared to be a duel. "You may have cheated last time, fool, but this time I know all about your dastardly trickery!" shouted the taller, skinnier of the two.
"Dullard! We killed each other at the same time; there was no cheating to be had!" replied the shorter, bulkier zombie, swishing his sword in a high arc, only to have it blocked by the other zombie's sword.
"To the death, then! Again!"
"Aye! Taste my blade, vermin!"
They both let out a battle cry and continued their duel as they slowly made their way around Vale, passing by an old woman zombie who was lecturing Ivan.
"Look at that hair--disgraceful! You must get it cut, boy!" she stated while nodding firmly. "Come with me, dear, I'll make you look like a handsome young man!"
Ivan couldn't figure out whether he should attack her for being a zombie, or attack her for trying to cut his hair. Either way, he knew he couldn't stick around, and he turned on his heels and ran away.
"Wait! Come back! I've got a great-great-great-great-great granddaughter you might like to meet!" called the zombie, waving after him.
Halfway through Vale, near her old house, Jenna was crouched, ready to attack. She wasn't going to be fooled, she told herself. The green skin, the red eyes, the stumbling, slow walk...these were zombies alright.
"Hey Fred," waved one zombie to another as they walked by each other. The one called "Fred" disappeared down a path, and the other one neared Jenna's position. Using that moment to her advantage, she leapt out of the bushes and struck hard, swinging her staff at the zombie's head.
Following a loud thunk, the zombie shook his head and grabbed it in surprise. "Ow! What'd you do that for? Oww!"
Raising an eyebrow, Jenna said, "You're not attacking me."
The zombie was furious. "Darn it, that's going to leave the biggest goose egg! You...you...brat! Your parents will hear from me!" he exclaimed, and then he wandered off, muttering about kids these days and everything he didn't like about them.
"Hi Jenna, bye Jenna," Ivan yelled as he ran right by her, leaving her with an even more confused look. The icing on the cake was when an old zombie lady appeared, chasing Ivan into the distance, saying something about proper hairstyles.
Sighing, Jenna sat down. "Why do all the weird things happen to me?" she said, placing her head in her hands.
Everywhere around Vale, zombies and humans were encountering each other in similar strange fashions. It truly was an odd day. However, the most unfortunate zombie to be revived by Garet's spell was not even in Vale at the time.
Not very far away, behind Vale, a voice was crying out.
"Hellooooo?! Can anybody hear me??" a male voice from beneath the crumpled Mt. Aleph shouted. "It's dark, and I don't know how I got here! Hellooooo??"
!-I Was a Teenage Necromancer-!
Garet leaned back with a look of satisfaction on his face. "And that's the story of how I brought zombies to Vale." Then he thought about that last zombie and scratched his chin, wondering if the inconsistency from his previous story would be brought to the attention of the kids.
An older child immediately spoke up. "Wait, what happened to the zombies? I've never seen them around. Did you kill them?"
Laughing, Garet sat up straight and looked evilly at the kid. "Kill them? Oh no. Definitely not. We did something even better than that."
The stare from Garet made the kid uneasy, which caused him squirmed slightly in his seat. "So, what happened?"
Garet waited a moment, then waved his hand. "Oh, nothing fancy. We gave them medical degrees and now they work as healers. You know how doctors always have cold hands? Well...I'm sure you can figure out why." He grinned wider. "Oh, and if they ever have to check your head...kick and scream kids, kick and scream. You know what zombies crave, after all."
Whether they believed him or not, the kids all huddled closer together. They were terrified. Seeing this, Garet laughed loudly, and once again his maniacle laughter echoed through the night. He was having fun!
End: I Was a Teenage Necromancer