By Joker's Specter
Haha, I bumped up the rating due to this story. I'm not sure if I had to or not, but it's just in case. Hama is great.
-Joker
Disclaimer: Golden Sun is owned by Nintendo and Camelot.
Garet scratched his stomach. He was having fun, but the kids didn't seem to be as amused as he hoped they would be. What was going on? He thought he was hilarious.
"Hey, kids," he said. "I don't get you. I'm doing you a favor here."
The kids cowered as the large Mars Adept stood to his feet--which was quite intimidating with the flames roaring in front of him.
Garet eyed them and tried to comprehend the situation. "Well..." he said more to himself as he thought it over, "I guess zombies might scare little kids..." He then thought back to the Wise One story. "And you might be too young to understand childbirth." Garet had to admit even he was in the dark on a lot of details regarding that topic.
He snapped his fingers as a sudden realization came to him: he was going over their heads with his stories. A small laugh escaped him. "Silly me. I need to take it down to your level!"
The Adept sat back down on his log. "Okay... I think I've got a good one. Raise of hands here; who knows what mind reading is?"
Nearly every hand went up. Some were a bit slower than others, clearly being cautious of what they were getting into.
"Good, good. You little ones seem to get mind reading, so this story should work," Garet said with a wide grin. He stuck his hand out and used a little psynergy to build up the fire some more to keep the area lit up. "This is the story of how Hama ruins everything."
!-Hama Ruins Everything-!
"I'll raise 50 coins," Felix said with confidence. He pushed a stack of coins into the center of the wooden table he was sitting at with his friends. They were all playing late into the afternoon in Isaac's backyard, and Felix had just barely shown up thanks to an invite from Isaac.
Felix had the perfect poker face. His expression never changed for the few rounds he had been playing. That would have been to his advantage, except for one detail he overlooked.
Ivan's older sister, Hama, was in town for a short visit and decided to spend time with the other Adepts. The Jupiter Adept was sitting to the left of Felix, so when it was her turn she turned to look directly at him. Her hard eyes bored into Felix, making him extremely uncomfortable. Every other person at the table--Garet, Isaac, Jenna, and Mia--were looking at Hama intently. They all held their breath.
"I fold," Hama said quietly, laying her cards down.
"Me too," Isaac said immediately after.
Garet tossed his cards onto the table."Count me out."
"Lucky Felix..." Jenna murmured, laying hers down as well.
Mia gave a shrug and a small smile. "Fold."
Felix looked around at them all. He had just pulled a straight flush...and suddenly they all fold. "What the heck, guys?" he exclaimed, showing he clearly didn't know what was going on.
Nobody responded. In fact, they were acting quite innocent. Too innocent. Felix scowled and collected the few coins he managed to win from the blinds. "What a waste of a straight flush..."
Felix was more than a little irritated. The next hand he managed to get a small pair dealt to him. He tried to bluff that one. He raised big.
Hama only considered for a few seconds before calling. That spurred the others to call as well, except Isaac, who didn't seem to be happy with his hand.
Felix was dominated. Hama re-raised him on the next bet, and while everyone folded, Felix kept up with his bluff and went all-in. Hama didn't even hesitate, and took him for all he had. He had a pair of fives, she had a pair of eights.
"Agh. I've only been here five minutes!" Felix said as he sadly watched Hama gather all the gold coins on the table.
Garet stood up and stretched. "Well, now that the only oblivious one has nothing, I'm out of here." He turned to walk away, but couldn't resist it. He added," By the way Felix, Hama is probably the best Mind Reader in the world." After taking in Felix's shocked expression, Garet grinned and walked off. Everyone else departed too, with Isaac and Jenna patting Felix on the back as they strode past him.
Felix stood there, stunned. That wasn't fair--he'd been scammed!
He stuck his hands in his empty pockets and frowned, suddenly wondering how much his sword would sell for.
!-M- -U- -R- -P- -H-!
!-Y- -S- -L- -A- -W-!
Isaac caught up to Hama later that evening with hopes of congratulating her and, well, since he was the one who invited Felix...maybe receiving some of the winnings. He desperately wanted to refurnish his house, and he needed new socks.
"Hey Hama!" Isaac said as he ran up to the older woman.
"Hello Isaac," she greeted with a warm smile. The purple-haired Jupiter Adept stopped walking and allowed Isaac to catch up to her.
Returning her smile, Isaac said, "So, I was wondering--"
"If you could have some of my winnings? I don't think that's how it works, Isaac," Hama cut in.
Isaac's face fell. "Er, well, yeah... That's what I--"
"Wanted, yes, I know."
"I know you know. But--"
"You wanted to tell me yourself. Yes, I know."
Isaac was getting a little creeped out now. "Um. Well, I guess--"
"You'll be going off now? I know," she interrupted again, still smiling. Hama was apparently taking great pride in her abilities.
"I know you know! But I--"
"Still wanted to tell me. By the way, you have to go to the bathroom in three minutes. Please head home." After using both her gift of mind reading and foresight, she then leaned in and looked at him very seriously. "We mustn't have any more accidents like that one time."
Isaac was a little dumbfounded as Hama smiled and walked off. A few girls giggled and ran off after having heard the conversation, much to Isaac's embarrassment. He gritted his teeth.
Already feeling quite annoyed, his irritation rose to a new level moments after that. Grimacing, he made a beeline for his bathroom.
!-M- -U- -R- -P- -H-!
!-Y- -S- -L- -A- -W-!
Ivan blushed.
Sheba blushed, too.
"This was a nice date, Ivan," Sheba said sincerely. "I'm glad you asked me out."
Ivan smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, well... It was fun. I just hope we can do it again someti--"
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Hama appeared from behind them. Ivan and Sheba had been sitting on a bench, having just finished a picnic. Hama laid her hand on Ivan's shoulder.
"The relationship you're seeking is not going to work out. It ends with you being stuck with nine kids. I'm...I'm sorry, Ivan," Hama said solemnly, then walked off. She was gone as quickly as she had appeared.
Ivan frowned and turned to look at Sheba, who looked very confused. "What did she mean?" the girl inquired.
A heavy sigh escaped Ivan. "Dang it," he muttered, then wandered off without saying a word.
"Ivan?" Sheba called after him. "Ivan! What about our date tomorrow?!"
!-M- -U- -R- -P- -H-!
!-Y- -S- -L- -A- -W-!
Jenna yawned as she walked to her house. It was getting late, and she still needed to do some chores when she got back home. The Mars Adept grumbled at the thought, wondering if maybe she could bribe her brother to do them. Maybe if she paid him a couple of coins... He was hurting for money now, so she imagined he'd be putty in her hands for a few weeks until he made back what he lost earlier.
The girl began pondering on other things she could try to get Felix to do for her as she walked into her house. She was so focused, she didn't even realize Hama was in the room with her parents until they called out to her.
"Jenna! Look, we have a visitor!" her mother said with a smile. "Come say hello."
Since Jenna had just recently left the poker game an hour before that, she merely gave a half-hearted wave. "What's up?" she asked.
Hama stood up and bowed respectfully. "I was just telling your parents how I earlier read your mind and came across some very interesting information."
Jenna sat in a chair and raised her eyebrow. This couldn't be good. "Oh?" she said with a wary look.
"Yes," Hama said. "Normally I could figure this out myself, but I became quite curious and requested an audience with you so that I may ask some questions. Your parents were kind enough to wait with me. Also, they're interested in the topic of the conversation."
Jenna held her breath. She had several thoughts in her head she would rather keep private, and having her parents here made her extremely nervous. "Can you two, uh...leave us alone for a minute?"
Jenna's dad waved dismissively. "Nonsense Jenna! Hama told us that it's about something you've written. We didn't know you're an author-we're quite pleased!"
Her mom agreed. "I'd like to read your stories, sweetie."
A small pop could be heard from Jenna's knuckles as her hands gripped the arm of her chair tightly. Her face had paled, and she wasn't breathing anymore. "S-Something I've written?" she managed to squeak out. She only wrote one type of story...and it was meant for her eyes only.
Hama smiled. "I'm very curious Jenna... In your stories you've created some very unusual positions that I need a bit more detail on."
Jenna started sputtering. "P-Positions? What are you t-talking about?" she said, trying to act innocent. The color in her face changed directions and went from pale to bright red. Her parents looked back and forth between Hama and Jenna, trying to figure out why their daughter suddenly looked like she was ill.
To make things worse, at that very moment Felix walked in with Garet and Mia right behind him.
"Well, Jenna" Hama said, tapping her chin and looking up with a quizzical expression on her face. "It's been a long time since I've been intimate with someone, but in your stories the male often penetrates the female in the most unusual positions, like the one where they're both standing and her leg is--"
By this point Jenna's heartbeat was all that she could hear. It shook her entire body as time seemed to come to a standstill. She watched every detail of her parents' faces as they went from smiling to looks of shock and horror. She could hear the loud laugh of Garet, the embarrassed gasp of Mia, and she could feel Felix's eyes staring at her. And Hama still went on and on. Jenna wanted to die.
Almost a full minute had passed by the time Hama began wrapping it up. Jenna wasn't sure if she took a breath the entire time.
"--finishing with the naked ritual chant and dancing. Does that actually increase the pleasure? And how is it possible?" Hama asked, ending her rather long and detailed question. She looked at Jenna with genuine curiosity.
The rest of the room was silent, except for Garet who had tears on his face and fell over laughing.
!-M- -U- -R- -P- -H-!
!-Y- -S- -L- -A- -W-!
It was late into the night before Felix finally sent Garet home. Jenna had passed out shortly after Hama practically destroyed her in front of her family and friends. Felix suspected Jenna somehow managed to force herself to pass out more than it being accidental. Nobody would want to stay awake in her position, no matter how tough they were. Before he left, Garet joked that Hama had downed Jenna with Mind Read.
Mia had stuck around to help tend to Jenna. The Mercury Adept had a prominent blush on her cheeks the entire time. She hadn't heard of any positions like those before, and she actually found herself wondering how they would work as well, despite her resistance to such thoughts.
"How's she doing?" Felix asked. He managed to calm his parents down a bit. They wanted to go through Jenna's stuff to find the offending stories, but he talked them out of it. He would make sure Jenna knew that she owed him big when she woke up.
Mia's hands were glowing as she moved them back and forth over Jenna's body, which had been propped up on some pillows. "She's healing up wonderfully," she said with a smile.
Felix sat in a chair and watched as Mia went about her business. "What's wrong with her?"
Mia blinked. "Well," she said in a professional voice. "All of the blood that rushed to her head in her embarrassment overloaded her brain and shut it down."
That prompted an understanding nod from Felix. "Ahh, I see."
Hama looked up from one of the stories she was reading--one of Jenna's stories. "That's wrong Mia."
Mia nearly fell over when she heard Hama speak.
"You don't know what's wrong with her," Hama said with a yawn. "You're just guessing, like you've always done your whole life. You just leave it up to Ply and hope it works."
Felix was stunned. "Whaaaat?" he heard himself say. Mia was the healer. Everyone preferred going to her when they were sick or wounded. And if Hama said she didn't know what she was doing, then it must be true. It was mind-boggling. Mia, the healer, not having a clue as to what she'd been doing this entire time.
Mia's head turned to Felix, and she looked like she was going to cry. "I...I..."
Felix raised an eyebrow. He already had one teenage girl he'd have to deal with--whenever the little pervert would wake up that is. He really didn't want to handle another sobbing female.
"F-Felix, I...." Mia whispered.
Felix couldn't really imagine Mia as one to keep a secret like this, but who was he to stop whatever worked? The Venus Adept held up his hand to silence her. "My mouth is shut if the price is right," he said. There. That should solve both their problems.
Mia's eyes lit up. Then they narrowed, and she leaned in and whispered, "I'll double it if you help me kick Hama out."
Hama stood up and waved Jenna's story at them. "Okay, okay, I know what you're planning. I'm leaving," she said.
And with that, Hama walked out of the house, still clutching Jenna's story. She had quite a few friends she wanted to show it to.
"Hama's a jerk," Felix muttered as soon as Hama shut the door.
Hama opened it again and peeked back in. "Am not."
When she left again, Felix and Mia both decided not to say anything more about Hama.
Ever again.
"Good idea!" they heard her call from outside.
!-Hama Ruins Everything-!
Garet finished his story with a big smile. Then he looked at his audience and his face fell. "Oh, shoot. I forgot about the whole part with Jenna," he said, rubbing his chin. "Definitely not intended for you little ones."
He got a bright idea and stood to his feet. "I know how to fix this. Show of hands--who knows what 'being intimate' is?" he asked.
The little boys and girls looked around at each other, but nobody raised their hands.
"Problem solved!" Garet exclaimed. He folded his arms and--
"You're about to nod," a voice behind him said. Garet screamed.
"Hello Garet," Hama said, stepping into the light. "You were going to nod, anyway."
Letting out a sigh of relief, Garet said "Oh, it's--"
"You," Hama finished for him. "Yes, it's me."
Garet's eyebrows creased. "Please--"
"Stop that."
Garet stared hard at Hama. Hama just smiled. "I just came to visit," she said. "And you can forget about taping my mouth shut. I know what you're thinking."
"I know you--"
"Know. Yes, you're quite right."
A growl escaped Garet's throat. "What am I thinking--"
"Now? You're thinking I should be running," Hama said with an amused tone in her voice. She thought about that for a moment, then added, "Yes, that's a good idea."
Hama turned to walk away. Before she left, she turned her head to look at the kids and said, "These little kids remind me of the time you were afraid of the potty as a child."
At that point, Hama was forced to start running, because Garet was chasing her and flinging fire at her.
"You stupid--"
"Purple-headed creep fest? Amusing, but you can do better than that!" Hama called back to Garet.
"Argh! I'll make you eat fire you--"
"Garet! That's a naughty word! Not in front of the children!"
"Aaaagggghhhh--"
"I'd finish that angry yell for you, but it just doesn't suit me!"
The kids were laughing as they watched the sight. One of the younger ones clapped her hands together and said with a giggle, "I like Hama!"
Meanwhile, across Weyard in the hidden city of Lemuria, Piers walked through his ship. He finally felt like it was time to break open his hidden cupboard and experience the best drink he'll ever have. The wine he stashed away was ancient; hundreds of years old. He was getting excited just at the thought of it. It would be delicious. It had been a long wait for him, and a lifetime for others.
Removing the proper boxes and prying away a few loose boards, he discovered the small dusty cupboard right where he left it. He smiled and opened it.
A note fell out of the otherwise empty cupboard. Piers bent down to pick it up. The note only had three words on it. In big, loopy letters, it said, "Hama was here."
End: Hama Ruins Everything