I've lost count of often I've stood in a room and watched Donna work I've lost count of how many times I've been sitting behind a desk and looked up to see Donna watching me work. She used to say it was like a live poli sci class, it was like watching the world get better. It's been some time since she approached me with that much innocence. What Donna doesn't know is I've watched her too. She's always been methodical; I used to watch her at her desk in the bull pen. She'd take piles of paper off my desk and bring it to her own, suddenly coloured folders would appear, post it notes, and markers and she'd make short work out of making sense from my chaos. That's what she's always done – make sense from my chaos. 'If you can keep your head when all about you are loosing theirs and blaming it on you' you'll be a Donna, my son…
Tonight, however she's the reason for my chaos. Most of the times I've watched Donna, I've imagined what it would be like to walk up and kiss her. Every time she's come to me and said 'Poll results are in', 'We got them, Josh', 'The speaker just caved' I've wanted to pull her into my arms and kiss her. I've pulled her into my arms before; the night of the President's first state of the union after the MS broke was one of the many times I realised that someday I was going to really kiss Donna Moss. It only took me six years. The thing is, Donna is the one thing I can't mess up, I had six months of having her on the peripheries of my life and that's not where I want her. I realised watching her in a hospital bed in Germany that not having Donna in my life is just not an option. That's why it hurt so much when she walked out of the bullpen – I didn't realise that little sentiment wasn't mutual. Donna walked into my room this morning with the new Gallop polls and we're tied, for the first time since we brought this dark horse out of the stable, we're tied. Something clicked and I kissed her – it feels like the best thing I've ever done and the worst. The highest high because she kissed me back and the lowest low because what now? We patched up the friendship, but what if this doesn't work, what if after eight years of 'us' what if 'us' isn't what I imagine it to be? That's why I freaked for a second too long and Edie got to Donna's key before me.
I came back to my room about five minutes ago, I should have gone to Donna's but I guess I don't know what I'd say when I get there and you never ever go into a meeting without knowing what you want your outcome to be – never – and I don't. I turn and place the glass of Jack on the desk and take my laptop into the bathroom, plug it in to charge, walk back out into the empty room and fall on to the bed. I hear finger nails tap on the door of the room and I ease myself up from the bed and go to the door.
"Hey"
"Hi"
"Edie said…"
"Yeah?"
"No… well actually Lou was talking about…"
"Yeah?"
"I have no earthly excuse for being here"
"That's good to know"
"Can I come in?"
"You've never asked before"
"You've never stood in the door before"
"Oh… right… um come in…"
"So"
"So?"
"You apologised"
"To who? What for?"
"To whom and for what"
"You're critiquing my grammar?"
"'Who' as an indirect object following 'to' is 'whom' and you can't end a sentence with a preposition?"
"Is 'for' a preposition?"
"You're wandering"
"You started it"
"I…"
"I…"
"Sorry… You go first"
"No you"
"So?"
"That's a start"
"You can do better?"
"No"
"We've broken this again haven't we?"
"Broken what?"
"This. Us?"
"Us?"
"Yes. Us"
She's sitting on the bed with her head on her hands, her elbows balanced on her knees. It's the same stance I remember from the bus weeks back.
"I'm in one piece. Are you?"
"That's not what I mean Josh"
"It's what I'm asking"
"You're not making any sense"
"I'm asking you if you're in one piece"
"I suppose… what does that mean?"
"Ah you see you ask because you've never heard the story of Fishhooks McCarthey…"
"Is that a Josh person or a real person?"
"… someone once told me he was a corrupt politician on the Lower East Side in the '20s. Every morning he stopped at the St. James Church on Oliver Street and said the same prayer: 'O Lord, give me health and strength. We'll steal the rest…"
"Not that there needs to be but do you have a point?"
She's grinning at me and I know she remembers…
"You've got health and strength. Both of which, coincidentally, I prayed for after seeing a suburban blow into the air"
"Yeah"
"You forgot the reference to Kryptonite"
"Josh"
"What do you think we broke?"
"This…us… we've been teetering on the top of the cliff for years and this feels like we jumped?"
"Yeah… but if we hold hands on the way down we won't break when we hit the bottom"
"So the fall's not gonna kill us?"
"Not if we're in it together"
"Why did you apologise?"
"I… I didn't want a sexual harassment law suit"
"Josh!"
"Seriously Donna… as I seem to have to keep reminding you I am your boss and legally…"
"Legally?"
"Yes legally…"
"Legally I should have sued your ass when you made me dress up as a German cocktail waitress"
"That was for charity"
"You keep hiding behind it"
"Charity?"
"Josh!"
"Sorry"
"You keep hiding behind the fact you're my boss, that's your excuse for pulling away every time…"
"Every time?"
"That Christmas, that night in your office, the last inauguration, when I came back from Germany – this light seems to suddenly switch on which says 'hey what am I doing she's just an assistant I can't get involved with…'"
"You honestly think that?"
"What?"
"You honestly think that it was your resumé that held me back?"
"Yes"
"Donna, if I'd touched you in the white house you'd have got dragged through the papers, not me, you… I wasn't prepared to do that to you"
"No…"
"That and C.J., Leo, Toby, and probably the President would have buried me alive in the rose garden"
"Josh!"
"Donna, it wasn't your resumé - you were the smartest, brightest, most loving, most intelligent woman I knew…"
"You knew C.J, you know Dr Bartlet, you know Lou"
"Your point being?"
"I…can't be…"
"Donna, I held back because I can't mess this up with you, it's not an option"
"Apologising wasn't a good start"
"I know… but I was grinning"
"You were"
"You noticed?"
"I did… I also noticed that you've been in a good mood all day"
"Nothing could kill my mood right now"
"Rehab?"
"Have you been talking to C.J.?"
"Girls talk Josh"
"Fantastic"
"Smack high uhh?"
"I wasn't talking about you"
"You so were"
"Maybe… Donna all I've wanted to do for many years was exactly what I did this morning"
"So it wasn't just another odd moment?"
"We have odd moments?"
"You're half of this 'we' there has to be something odd about it"
"You see there you go again"
"What?"
"Insulting me"
"I play to my strengths"
"Really?"
"Of course"
"So do I"
"Really?"
I move over and sit down beside her on the bed and tuck a piece of hair that's fallen out behind her ear. My other hand is resting on the bed just at the small of her back. I lean in slightly and I can still detect the scent of the shampoo she used this morning…
"That's why I'm going to do this again"
I lean in and my lips meet hers, gently at first then I feel her lips part beneath mine and I bring my free hand to the back of her neck and softly deepen the kiss. I can feel her respond her finger nails moving up my back rubbing against the stiff cotton of my shirt. We break the kiss but she doesn't move away. I lean my forehead against hers and I can see her smiling.
"We're not broken Donna, we're just getting started"